Regarding the love notes and such...is that something she previously enjoyed? If not, you're spinning wheels. When I speak of your half, I'm referring to whatever Love Busters YOU may have been engaging in before her affair. Common ones would be taking her for granted, not engaging in conversations with her, treating her like your maid or mother, not providing financial or emotional stability...skip the EN questionnaire for now and focus on the Love Buster one. If she won't fill it out, try to fill it out for her, things she's said to you in the past that make her unhappy. Focus on eliminating your LBs. Whether or not you end up with her, you need to do that for YOU.
Are you prepared to expose the affair if she contacts him again?
Absolutely! I told her sister's husband yesterday. I'm sure he told her on their way home. I do expect her to contact him. Those are some things she enjoyed. I haven't sent her roses in years. I did in the beginning. She is so picky on the roses, though, she was never satisfied. "They're not very fresh" etc. I have grown roses, but I haven't kept them up in the past few years. I'll work on the flower bed next weekend.
Exposure on his end has started. I called his father's phone number and a lady answered. He has said several things about his family and I don't know what to believe. I didn't ask her relationship. She is either his mother or step-mother. I do know he went there to visit for a week about a month or so ago, so there is a relationship. He had told them he was playing spades with someone. She said she didn't think he knew she was married. I told her I don't know when he found out she was married, but he has known for at least a month.
We had a pleasant conversation and she said that she doesn't want to see a marriage broken up. She is going to call him this evening and also talk to her husband.
6. Expand your social relationships (Being especially aware of your own vulnerability and keeping sharing and time with opposite sex relationships to an absolute minimum)
Yes, I am extremely vulnerable right now. That may be as hard of a challenge as ending her affair. With the hurt and pain my wife has caused and continues to cause, a little attention from a lovely lady this weekend has me wanting to see her again. I only saw her for 5 minutes as I was purchasing something from her place of employment. Thank goodness it was out of town and not a place I frequent. I can't imagine the temptation if a loyal spouse worked with someone they were attracted to during the venom spitting phase. At least I hope it is a phase. If not, I can always go shopping again. lol
Exposure on his end has started. I called his father's phone number and a lady answered. He has said several things about his family and I don't know what to believe. I didn't ask her relationship. She is either his mother or step-mother. I do know he went there to visit for a week about a month or so ago, so there is a relationship. He had told them he was playing spades with someone. She said she didn't think he knew she was married. I told her I don't know when he found out she was married, but he has known for at least a month.
We had a pleasant conversation and she said that she doesn't want to see a marriage broken up. She is going to call him this evening and also talk to her husband.
Splendid .
Hopefully they do something however I do not expect much from his family traditionally parents support their children and believe their lies. If your wife ever shows her face near them they will know he was lying or if you were to track his network site and expose it there then they will be forced to accept the truth . I am pushing the social network site as it is highly likely he is on one somewhere.
Keep focused this is the lull before the storm,one step at a time. Formulate your plan and expect the worst at all times so there are no surprises.
Carry on Plan A'ing her in combination with the 180, loving does not mean being a doormat.
Do you have to scope to go to Walmart and buy a VAR they go for around $79, place it in her car and wait. You snoop until there is certainty she has stopped the affair and is committed to the marriage.
Another book alongside "surviving an affair" is the "his needs her needs" By Harley. These two books are on Amazon and will help you understand what emotional needs your wife may want fulfilled . Read these, what you are doing is attacking the affair on all sides and undermining any reason she may have for conducting the affair.
OK, I read the love busters on Marriage builders. They seem to contradict my current actions. How do I reconcile the two? I have pulled the modem from the home. Therefore, there is no internet service for her to be spending time with him.
Now, the love busters mention selfish demands. While I don't believe denying internet access is a selfish demand, she certainly does. She even threatened to call the police last night because it was her house and computer, too. I laughed and said go ahead. Internet access isn't a right required by law.
"Neither of you is a sergeant and neither of you is a private. You do not have the right to tell each other what to do, and if you try, you will find that it doesn't work. If you try to force your spouse to meet your needs, it becomes a temporary solution at best, and resentment is sure to rear it's ugly head. Demands and other forms of manipulation do not build compatibility; they build resentment." quote from Marriage Builders.
Disrespectful judgements - Is she being extremely disrespectful by carrying out this affair? A resounding yes, as far as I'm concerned. However, how is my judgment of her actions different from this section?
"A disrespectful judgment occurs whenever one spouse tries to impose a system of values and beliefs on the other. When a husband tries to force his point of view on his wife, he's just asking for trouble. When a wife assumes that her own views are right and her husband is woefully misguided -- and tells him so -- she enters a minefield."
Of course, this one is self-explanatory. I have had several angry outbursts over this affair. However, she considers the telling of the family as "punishment" and "vindictiveness."
"But in the end, we have nothing to gain from anger. Punishment does not solve marital problems; it only makes your punished spouse want to inflict punishment on you, or if that doesn't work, leave you. When you become angry with your spouse, you threaten your spouse's safety and security -- you fail to provide protection. Your spouse rises to the challenge and tries to destroy you in retaliation. When anger wins, love loses."
I don't think cutting off the internet to prevent easy access to her internet lover is controlling. She thinks it is extremely controlling. I understand that it is like an addiction. I do believe that she is in a DEEEEEEEEEEEP fog. I am guessing that the love busters are great guidelines in a normal relationship. The affair is a trump card and the ending of the affair takes precedence over everything else. However, I am supposed to avoid love busters. The cutting of the internet fits "selfish demands" and "disrespectful judgements" in her mind. Any thoughts?
The affair is a trump card and the ending of the affair takes precedence over everything else. However, I am supposed to avoid love busters. The cutting of the internet fits "selfish demands" and "disrespectful judgements" in her mind. Any thoughts?
It is the trump card to end all trump cards.
The bigger trump is that your wife is an addict.
Everything she says and everything she does will be in an effort to manipulate you.
Do not get into arguements with her, her addiction sounds like it's on par with my W's addiction... The reason I have taken an interest specifically in your situation is that some of the things you posted that your wife was saying were almost exactly in the same "spirit" as the things my wife was saying...
TN, I have been aggressively trying to get you to listen because I know first hand and I can't tell you the shock and depth of "OMG WTF!?" I have gone through and seen with my W an her addiction/affair... I've read everything that you have said, and your wife sounds like she has the exact same level of addiction... You have no idea. Really. This is going to get crazy, like crazy you can't fathom right now. If your not prepared for this and you can't view it with some healthy detachment you may not recover from what your about to see.
Please try to remember this IS NOT your wife. She is a crack head, a herion junky, whatever... She is essentially possesed. Do not listen to her. Rather, do not allow anything she says to dictate what type of action you take. Stay the course. She will pull out every card. She needs to satisfy this addiction. It will drive her to lie to anyone and everyone, decieve, she will try bullying, defaming, trivializing, harassing, interrogating, accusing, blaming, blocking, insulting, countering, diverting, lying, berating, taunting, putting down, discounting, threatening, name-calling, yelling, and raging.
I just tried to check her cell phone online. Somehow, she has changed the password and pin number. She hasn't had access to the internet, so it must have been her boyfriend. She didn't have the password, so I'm not sure how she did it. But the fact is, the password has been changed. That shows further contact and further cover-up, in my opinion.
You can fight for your marriage while still being a great husband. Try to remember that fighting the affair is in an area all its own - it does NOT correspond to how you should act as a husband. Vow to never raise your voice again, not to take the 'bait' when she rails at you, to speak to her logically, to show her what you are willing to accept in a marriage, to let her know that she is free to move out and divorce you (as she always has been, and as are YOU) but as long as you ARE married you will expect a certain level of commitment from your wife and that means no other men.
The reason it's called a script is all waywards say the same thing, act the same way, treat you the same - it's an addiction, plain and siimple. You wouldn't try to logic a heroin addict into stopping, would you?
When she spouts off at you, just smile and offer her a cookie. It'll drive her crazy, and it makes as much sense as trying to logic with her.
Then pack her bags. Move them to the porch. Tell her that as long as she's in contact with him, she's not welcome. She NEEDS you to act swiftly and decisively on this.
She hasn't had access to the internet, so it must have been her boyfriend. She didn't have the password, so I'm not sure how she did it. But the fact is, the password has been changed. That shows further contact and further cover-up, in my opinion.
Does she have access to money? a car?
If she has access to money, she has access to the internet.
you are grossly underestimating this addiction and your wife's motivation to continue it.
you think taking away her modem will stop her? lol.
If she has access to money, she has access to the internet.
you are grossly underestimating this addiction and your wife's motivation to continue it.
you think taking away her modem will stop her? lol.
Indeed.
Assuming the computer in question is a laptop, all she needs is a Starbuck's or McDonald's or another such establishment and - BAM - free wi-fi. Posted via Mobile Device
No, taking away the modem just stops the nightly hours playing spades. We only have 1 car and she home schools the kids. She doesn't have access to the internet currently since the modem is at work with me. With the 20+ hours per week together of having fun gone, the pressure from both families (at least that is what his family told me. Who knows what they told him), and the distance between TN and CO, those things combined will make it more difficult. Possibly, it will make it not worth the effort. He can't accept phone calls at work (according the lady I spoke to yesterday) so she can only contact him in the evenings and the weekends. Again, with the changing of the password on the cell phone, I put the odds at 5%. However, for my kids' sake, I will do my best to save this marriage.
lol - McDonald's. That is precisely where I was the night she declined a date with me for her online love fest with him. I was watching and trying to eat a Quarter Pounder.
Re: Dealing with an ongoing emotional affair 
