Plan A is going OK. I just saw the rest of the chat from 2 weeks ago. He has done time in jail. And another 1 year work release. Why didn't that show up on the criminal history I purchased? I know I have the right guy because I have talked to his step-mom twice. She confirmed the information that I had. He said he settled down after the kids were born. He has said his oldest is 11 and he turned 34 today, according to the date of birth on the supposed criminal history report. That doesn't make it sound like it would have been a juvenile record. Also, the 1 year work release was supposed to be after his kids were born. Is he lying to her about the jail time or is the criminal history report in error? I don't understand why he would lie about being in jail unless it is trying to sound like a "bad boy".
We talked a while last night. Again, she told me she wants to meet him before she ends it. I told her that the only reason to meet him is to see if there is a physical connection as well as an emotional connection. She has already left me in her heart and mind for her image of this man. She just wants to meet him to see if her image is correct or not. If she goes to meet him, the deal is done.
She went to her counsellor yesterday. (I know, the advice has been to stop paying for that. However, I do love her and want her to be able to work through the issues that she has been struggling with for years.) She said the counsellor asked her what she would do if she got out there and found out Romeo wasn't all she thought he was. She told the counsellor that she guesses she would go to marriage counselling.
I told her that what she is basically saying is that I am her fall-back plan. She doesn't want to end it with me until she finds out if Romeo is all he's cracked up to be. IF she meets Prince Charming and he is what she imagines, then she would leave me and the kids. She said she doesn't know that. So I asked her what the point would be in meeting him then.
I told her that, of course, they would hit it off on a brief visit. He could put his best foot forward and hide anything bad very easily on a weekend visit. It would take a while before everything came to the surface above the infatuation which would hide all imperfections.
She asked if I would try to take away her kids. I told her that I DO NOT want to take the kids away from their mother. However, I will not allow them to go with her to her trainwreck relationship with this other man. It would last at best 6 months to a year because it is based on lies and cheating. I WILL NOT subject my children to that.
I reiterated that she is the one that wants to take them away from me by separating over this other man. She is the one that wants to deprive the children of having both parents.
She finally said that she will not meet him. Also, she will stop calling him. She still refused to give me her password to her cell phone and write a no-contact letter. I told her that just shows me that she is not telling the truth. Also, she will not agree to work on the marriage, no marriage counselling, no marriage builder game (which has been sitting in the closet for over a month unopened), etc.
I did not raise my voice or cuss during the entire conversation. We kept it calm and just discussed it. I went to the store and called her with a question while we were out. She was crying. When I got home, I asked her if she had called him. She said yes, that she called him to tell him she wouldn't be calling anymore.
Do I believe it is over? No, I give it 3 days at best before she re-initiates contact. I'll just keep working on the carrot. I will continue to improve myself. I will continue working on being Super Dad. (I'm probably on You Tube somewhere. My attempt at skating with the kids this weekend was quite comical, I am sure. lol However, I was having fun with the kids.)
She said the jail time was because he had bought an expensive sports car and couldn't afford the insurance. He kept getting tickets for no insurance and subsequently went to jail for it. I said, "Great, he is rich." because of her description of the "expensive sports car". She said "No, he is far from rich." I said Yeah, I guess so. He couldn't afford the insurance because he bought too much car and went to jail for it, supposedly. Also, I pointed out that HE HAS A ROOMMATE. He isn't even supporting himself. How could she expect him to support a family?
Sorry for the rambling. I needed to get it off my chest.
Please. He probably lied to her about what he went to jail for. Can you find out what he went to jail for?
You need to really ask yourself if this is someone you want to be with TN. I know you love her to pieces but she is showing ove rand over again she isn't willing to give him up, she lies to you about saying she'll end contact, then calls him again, then waffles, then says she doesn't watn to do counselling. It's like she's got you as a safe back up. It's wrong.
If she wanted to give it her all with you, she'd sever all ties, become transparent and give you the passcodes.
She can't even be 100% honest with you after you'd called her out on the fact. The fact she is choosing to possibly shack up with a convicted felon she has NEVER EVEN MET BEFORE is crazy.
I doubt the whole jail story. I did purchase a background check that only showed a few judgements on bad debt. Nothing at all about jail time. I have a brother-in-law that is a police officer. I may ask him what he can dig up. I don't know if that is ethical or not, so I'm not sure whether to even ask him. He may get in trouble using his police resources for personal reasons. I emailed the background check company today asking them why his supposed jail time didn't show up. I got an automated response saying it may be 2 - 3 days while they research it.
Yes, that is a big concern, whether I want to be with her or not. IF she went and met Mr. Wonderful and it didn't work out, she would go to marriage counselling. I told her that if she tried to work it out with him and used me as a fall-back, it would only be a matter of time before she ran to some other guy. For our marriage to work long-term, she will have to agree to full transparency, no future contact with OM, marriage counselling, actively working on our relationship, etc.
For the kids' sake, I'm willing to ride it out for now to see if she comes out of the "fog". All the while, I am working on myself. I even told her at one point that it would be a shame for her to throw away the new and improved me for some other woman to reap the benefit.
The Plan A work will benefit me in the end. If she chooses to let it benefit her as well, then so be it. If she still decides to throw me in the garbage, Plan A will be much better with someone who actually gives something in return later on.
lol. I agree about the lame. 9 months they have been playing Spades together. From the beginning, I told her the amount of time she was spending with this man was wrong. She gave the normal BS and I semi-bought it. "It's just a game." "You're just jealous." "You wouldn't care if it was a woman." etc.
For most of this time, we were both involved with a common mistress, of sorts. I would get upset about the time with him, and Mary Jane would ease the pain. I believe that contributed strongly to both her lack of judgement in the affair and mine in not confronting the problem sooner. She is no longer in either of our lives.
I believe the phone calls have just started in the last month and a half or so, since D-Day. I discovered her email searches and confronted her. Instead of ending the affair, she has just escalated it. My angry outbursts have definitely not helped matters. I have gotten them under control and done better on the carrot the past week or so. I had only been using the stick, which was not effective at all.
you do realize that you can not compete with this guy right? He's not real. He's an idea. Comparing yourself to him or competing against the idea of him is literally not possible... The same goes the other way, the OM is digging in his heals because he is also "in love" with an idea... They have built an elaborate fantasy world, literally an alternate reality that they have been living in... In this imaginary world they are clandestined soul mates, Bonnie & Clyde, Romeo & Juliet, etc..etc...
You should absolutely be focused on finding out more about OM and the issues in his background to leverage that information to protect your children (legally/divorce terms) against exposure to him. But, let go of the idea that you are going to uncover something that will shake you wife up and bring her out of this fog, I don't know that you are going to coax, reason or manipulate her out of the imaginary romance novel her brain lives in right now... Problem is it's in their heads and they are very much addicted to it, so they get to rewrite it anyway they want and they need to hold onto it...
How do you do the quotes in the shaded areas? Anyway, are you saying to let her go meet him? I don't see how that would help anything.
I agree POMS. The fairytale in her head is impossible to compete with. I'm not working on myself to compete with him. I'm doing it for myself. I can't change her. I can't change her mind. I can't force her to commit to the marriage or to me. I can, however, work on myself. I'd say there is about a 5% chance she will come around.
I also agree about the background information on him. I believe I have enough to convince a sane person that he should never be around my kids. He has admitted attempting suicide 5 times. He claims to have been in jail at one point and a 1-year work release at another point. He has 2 kids (verified with his step-mom) with a woman he was never married to. He never sees his kids. He lives with a man right now. He doesn't even support himself, much less a family. He supposedly was taken from his parents at a young age for abuse.
Whether any of these things help legally, I have no idea. Perhaps I should try to track down the mother of his children. I don't know how to go about that except to ask his step-mom. I doubt she would be willing to divulge that information. Perhaps I could track down his home phone number and talk to his roommate. I have attempted to call him many times, but he won't answer my calls. I have left messages saying something to the effect of, "You continue to answer my wife's calls, but you won't answer my calls. What kind of a man is that?"
I remain diligent in the search for information on him. I seriously doubt anything she says. I doubt that she will come out of the "fog" and work on this marriage. I am committed to do my best for my kids.
I am running off for a bit ut you "do the quotes with the shades" by clicking on the bottom of someone's post where it says QUOTE and then click on POST RePLY. Voila!
At the bottom of any post you see a button that says "quote"... hit that and a quote of that post will appear automatically in your reponse, you will see it. you can edit it down to the text you wish to quote. If you want to quote several different posts in one reply click the "multi" buttons on the posts you want to quote, edit accordingly.
Re: Dealing with an ongoing emotional affair 
