Yes, and she says she is not ready to make that choice yet (him or me). How long could she possibly take? She wants to see how things go with him and string me along for the back-up plan.
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Originally Posted by Jellybeans
I'm gonna put it to you this way: if you do the same thing over and over, you will get the same results.
Isn't that the definition of insanity?
So try a different approach -- LET HER GO.
Yes, that is absolutely true about insanity. Basically, the 180 is "letting her go." In order to truly do the 180, you have to let it go.
I'm not working on myself to compete with him. I'm doing it for myself. I can't change her. I can't change her mind. I can't force her to commit to the marriage or to me. I can, however, work on myself.
Now that's more like it. Good work.
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Originally Posted by HurtinginTN
I'd say there is about a 5% chance she will come around.
Less.
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Originally Posted by HurtinginTN
I also agree about the background information on him. I believe I have enough to convince a sane person that he should never be around my kids.
She's not sane.
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Originally Posted by HurtinginTN
He has admitted attempting suicide 5 times. He claims to have been in jail at one point and a 1-year work release at another point. He has 2 kids (verified with his step-mom) with a woman he was never married to. He never sees his kids. He lives with a man right now. He doesn't even support himself, much less a family. He supposedly was taken from his parents at a young age for abuse.
lol. Funny how the mind works in these fuct up DS's, I'd be curious just for a laugh how she rebuilt the above information into.... "Mysterious bad boy type, misunderstood rebel, tough guy with a puppy dog heart. Poor hurt soul, diamond in the rough, hopeless romantic"
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Originally Posted by HurtinginTN
Perhaps I should try to track down the mother of his children. I don't know how to go about that except to ask his step-mom. I doubt she would be willing to divulge that information. Perhaps I could track down his home phone number and talk to his roommate.
Probably a waste of time.
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Originally Posted by HurtinginTN
I have attempted to call him many times, but he won't answer my calls. I have left messages saying something to the effect of, "You continue to answer my wife's calls, but you won't answer my calls. What kind of a man is that?"
Won't do you any good. Eliminate the scenario's in your head that include reasoning with him or getting him to see your point of view. Threatening or intimidating him is also not going to happen. Any scenario you are thinking about along those lines is a waste or your time and mental/emotional capitol... You will need that emotional/mental energy don't waste it there... that's a dead end.
Don't forget the reality that they live in doesn't exist. Also remember In this carefully sculpted fanasty, they have already written your character... Your W has spent an enormous amount of energy making you the bad guy in in their fantasy world... partially because she needs to so she can deal with her guilt, partially as a benefit to him... He fits into the "knight in shining armor" role more comforatbly if there is an evil villain to rescue his damsel in distress from... lol, funny and sick, but true.
I agree. I was talking about family, court possibly, etc.
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Originally Posted by Pit-of-my-stomach
Funny how the mind works in these fuct up DS's, I'd be curious just for a laugh how she rebuilt the above information into.... "Mysterious bad boy type, misunderstood rebel, tough guy with a puppy dog heart. Poor hurt soul, diamond in the rough, hopeless romantic".
Someday, I'll have to ask that question. lol It would be insightful to know the answer to that question.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Pit-of-my-stomach
Eliminate the scenario's in your head that include reasoning with him or getting him to see your point of view. Threatening or intimidating him is also not going to happen. Any scenario you are thinking about along those lines is a waste or your time and mental/emotional capitol... You will need that emotional/mental energy don't waste it there... that's a dead end. .
Good point.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Pit-of-my-stomach
Also remember In this carefully sculpted fanasty, they have already written your character... Your W has spent an enormous amount of energy making you the bad guy in in their fantasy world... partially because she needs to so she can deal with her guilt, partially as a benefit to him... He fits into the "knight in shining armor" role more comforatbly if there is an evil villain to rescue his damsel in distress from... lol, funny and sick, but true.
Shouldn't I get some "bad boy" attraction out of my villain role in the fantasy world? lol I did have the thought that a good approach may be to act like the OM (not him in particular, just the outlook). Look at it like they have a relationship and act like an OM trying to steal her from him. If it works for an affair partner, why not try act like an affair partner?
Shouldn't I get some "bad boy" attraction out of my villain role in the fantasy world?
No, this is their fantasy. Afraid they wrote your character as a villain closer to a "Jabba the Hut" type bad guy... tough break. Maybe your best bet is to stop reading the lines the wrote for you, walk off stage and quit the play? These directors are fuct in the head, the production is doomed anyway.
Maybe your best bet is to stop reading the lines the wrote for you, walk off stage and quit the play? These directors are fuct in the head, the production is doomed anyway.
That should be added to the 180. My angry outbursts were part of thier play. Nice correlation. Plan A and 180 are not on thier script.
Your W has spent an enormous amount of energy making you the bad guy in in their fantasy world... partially because she needs to so she can deal with her guilt, partially as a benefit to him... He fits into the "knight in shining armor" role more comforatbly if there is an evil villain to rescue his damsel in distress from
It just hit me. I am the evil villain that wants to take her children away from her. She has said on a couple of occassions, including our discussion yesterday, "A real man would realize that the children are better off with their mother and not try to take them away from her." I said, "That sounds like it came from your boyfriend who never sees his kids." That is where I still fit into their script of a villain. I told her that I will not allow my kids to be around that man. Therefore, I am Jabba the Hut forcing her to choose between Prince Charming and her kids.
Yes, and she says she is not ready to make that choice yet (him or me). How long could she possibly take? She wants to see how things go with him and string me along for the back-up plan.
Anytime you are WAITING for something you are WASTING your time. Why are you waiting for her to make a decision? You don't have to. What about what YOU want? If she can't give you what YOU want and at the very least try to meet you halfway, then you have to decide if you are willing to be second best to some Random Stranger Anonmyous Possibly Been in Jail Living with a Roommate "Dude."
He is a fantasy like POMS, excuse me, Pit, (lol) said, and she is being a ding dong if she thinks for a minute this is a wise decision.
It just hit me. I am the evil villain that wants to take her children away from her. She has said on a couple of occassions, including our discussion yesterday, "A real man would realize that the children are better off with their mother and not try to take them away from her." I said, "That sounds like it came from your boyfriend who never sees his kids." That is where I still fit into their script of a villain. I told her that I will not allow my kids to be around that man. Therefore, I am Jabba the Hut forcing her to choose between Prince Charming and her kids.
Now your starting to get it. This is what I was talking about.. Pretty bizarre level of fuct up huh? lol.
Originally Posted by Jellybeans;285603If she can't give you what YOU want and at the very least try to meet you halfway, then you have to decide if you are willing to be second best to some [I
Random Stranger Anonmyous Possibly Been in Jail Living with a Roommate "Dude." [/I]
I'm not second best. I am far superior to him, at least in reality. I'm not trying to sound conceited, but I will no longer allow her decision to dictate how I feel about myself.
Currently, we are flat broke. I'll be selling some stuff to get through the next month or so. We have a few months left on our car payments and a repayment plan on our mortgage. She knows in a few months, we'll have an extra several hundred dollars per month available. I just realized that her willingness to stop calling him (supposedly) is a stall tactic until we have more cash available. Then, she'll probably bring up the trip to meet him again.
No, this is their fantasy. Afraid they wrote your character as a villain closer to a "Jabba the Hut" type bad guy... tough break. Maybe your best bet is to stop reading the lines the wrote for you, walk off stage and quit the play? These directors are fuct in the head, the production is doomed anyway.
True.
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Originally Posted by HurtinginTN
I'm not second best. I am far superior to him, at least in reality. .
How do you do the quotes in the shaded areas? Anyway, are you saying to let her go meet him? I don't see how that would help anything.
"Let her go" as in don't be there for her. Tell her you're done. You won't continue in an open relationship with her while she carries on with someone else. Cause right now you have an open marriage. And the longer you sit back and let things happen the way she dictates them, the longer you are stuck in the hell that is limbo, allowing her to call the shots.
So if she wants to meet him, let her. But by all means, don't be the doting husband/ doormat/her back up plan when she gets back and realizes Random Stranger Anonmyous Possibly Been in Jail Living with a Roommate "Dude" wasn't all he was cracked up to be. Or all she was cracked up to be. LOL.
If she tells you she's unsure of the marriage, tell her YOU are unsure you even want to be with her at this point.
I am her backup plan if he doesn't end up being Mr. Wonderful. We also discussed my "backup plan" yesterday. She mentioned that I didn't meet her emotional needs and he did. Why can't I understand that?
I said, I do understand that. She has called me ugly over the years. She asked how long has it been since she said that. I agreed that it has been a few years, but she never said anything to the contrary. The only time she has called me handsome was the night she "sent" me out to a bar so she could have her online lovefest with Mr. Wonderful. She said that night "You are quite a handsome man. You have to wear this to the bar." and handed me my wedding ring. (I went to McDonald's with the laptop and copied her chat.)
I told her that I met the other girl after staying up all night watching her flirt online with her lover. I slept in my clothes and got up early to watch her affair (more to copy the transcripts for documentation than a morbid curiosity) the next morning. I know I hadn't shaved, brushed my teeth, changed clothes, put in my contacts, or anything else. I don't know if I had even brushed my hair that morning when I realized the store was about to close. I went out to get the dog food and cat food that my wife called me to remind me of while she was flirting with boyfriend. I saw this girl and, even though I was looking my worst, she was attracted to me and enthusiastically agreed to a date. I told my wife yesterday that in 5 minutes of seeing this other girl, she fulfilled an emotional need that my wife hasn't met in years. I agreed that is extremely powerful.
One reason I called to ask the other girl out is to see if I was imagining that she was indeed attracted to me. Her immediate acceptance of a date confirmed it. However, I did call her the next day and told her I shouldn't date while I am still married. I have not contacted her further. I told my wife yesterday that she doesn't know what Phantom Boyfriend looks like (supposedly). I know this girl is HOT!
The difference is that I am not pursuing her, even though she is ready, willing, and able. I did not tell my wife that this other girl is my "backup plan". I will call her and ask her out again at some point if the marriage does indeed continue on the current course and end. But it will be after I have tried my best. I will have a clear conscience knowing that I did my best to save our marriage, even though my wife has already thrown it in the garbage.
Re: Dealing with an ongoing emotional affair 
