02-23-2011, 10:43 AM
Join Date: Sep 2009
| | Re: I cheated 10 years ago
You are going to have to stop trying to make it sound like you don't know what happened. You do know. You were there and you did it. Tell the truth, be honest with him. That is the only thing that can save your marriage. By continuing on as if you really don't know, you are manipulating him and harming your marriage. He has already been manipulated for 10 years by you allowing him to believe you were in a committed relationship while you really weren't. You withheld information to make sure you didn't have any consequences for your actions. That doesn't help him, it only makes it worse. Learn from what happened.
Originally Posted by thetwoofus
I had an affair 10 years ago with a person I met through work. I never really thought of it as an affair until it all came out over the last 6 months. It was brief, I wasn't looking for anything else at the time. I can't explain why I did what I did or why I felt what I felt.I bet you can, but you don't want to for fear of being judged. That is a legitimate fear, but you need to come clean with your husband about the why, so healing can begin. I'm not even sure what it is that I felt, mainly confusion about having any feelings for another person.
I met this person in a meeting he was from interstate and I was trying to be one of those high achieving types. I went for drinks that night with a whole group of people who I was a little in awe of. I think I really lacked confidence and rubbing shoulders with a bunch of lawyers and other industry specialists and being considered an equal gave me a bit of an ego boost.And there you go, he stroked your ego and you like it. Too much
So this one person who I was chatting to grabs my hand (wedding band hand) and says thats a pity. I guess I felt flattered but thought nothing of it. Then I was heading home in a cab and offered to drop him off at his hotel. I was just being friendly and would have offered the same to anyone. In hindsight maybe he saw this as a bit of a green light. But I was certainly not intending to give any green anything.
As he got out of the cab he leant over and kissed me (not just a peck) and then got out. I went home in shock not really knowing what to think. I never told my husband what happened. I guess I thought he would go bonkers and embarass me at work.
Then same guy invited me to go to high profile sporting event very good seats access to good bars that I wouldn't ordinarily be visiting and I thought cool. I didn't think about why he was asking me to go I just thought sounds like fun.BS. You put yourself in a position to spend time with a man who you KNEW was interested in more than your job skills, and you chose to go to it while still lying about him kissing you to your husband. It was my husbands birthday and I told him and said I wouldn't go but he said I should. If you had been honest with him about the happenings before this, I can guarentee you it wouldn't have been okay. And you knew that, which is why you chose to test the waters and see where it would go.So I did. Lots of drinks stayed out til 4am, went to taxi rank and he suggested I come back to his hotel. I said no but was obvioulsy enjoying myself and we moved out of the taxi rank and into my work building across the road. There was some fumbling and then I fell asleep and next remember him waking me up and I caught a cab home feeling pretty crap.
I know we spoke and I said that cannot happen again and I meant it.No you didn't. If you meant it you would have removed yourself from the situation. Again, testing the waters to see how far you can get without sinking. However we continued to socialise in the same circles and one night we kept drinking together and he had been suggesting for the past couple of hours I go to his hotel room we were drinking in the complex and at around 3am I said to myself wtf its just sex right!!! Why is that okay for a married woman to be having "just sex" with someone other than her husband?
We ate a meal together before a work social event one night, this was the only time we spent time alone.
Then I was in his home town for work and we ended up at my hotel room. We had sex that was interupted (I'm not giving details as to why). He went home and that was the last time it happened. We briefly spoke two days later and didn't speak again.
I told my husband some time after that I had had sex with someone else. I said it was a once only and it was drunken and messy.
3 years later we had our first of four children. We a happy and solid couple. We love eachother and have future plans that we hope to live out together.
Something was said over 6 months ago that suggested my once only wasn't once only. Over that period It took a good deal of probing for me to tell the whole story.Which was you trying to protect yourself, not your husband. If you wanted to protect him you would have told him the truth and let him decide what he wanted.
I was in denial that it was an affair then I didn't want to admit that there were some emotions wrapped up in all that confusion and I didn't want to admit it now. If I don't think it, it isn't so!
Anyway I've had to work through this with my husband now and I accept that it was in fact an affair. It was out of character, I fought for my relationship with my husband then, even if he didn't know it and I'm fighting for it now. I majorly f'd up and as we all know you can't undo what you've done no matter how hard you wish you could.
What i did was selfish and indulgent and I'm sorry to myself because I find the whole thing quite disappointing but I'm mostly devastated by the hurt I have caused my husband the exact reason why I kept all the details from him in the first place.Sorry, I don't believe that for a second. I truly believe that you withheld details to spare yourself the pain of being caught. I still say I'd have rather taken this to the grave and my husband is starting to agree.
Now my husband is struggling to move past the anger he feels towards that person and I think he is not admitting that some of that is really for me.That's a hard place to be, and yes he does have some misplaced anger.
What can I do to help heal these wounds. He says trust is not an issue which I agree as we've had 10 years of bliss and happiness.But it isn't. Its ten years of lies and manipulation. He is probably asking himself if there are any other affairs since you hid this one from him. There is the issue of trust, and it has been lost on some level. But I feel any time alone and he's slips into stewing on things and wanting to understand why, and I just don't know the answer to that other than explaining what happened and how.
Our sex life has improved heaps and heaps but he questions if this is sincere. It is our youngest child is 3 and last few years have been pretty busy so the time was nigh that things would pick up in the bedroom since sleep improved but there is no question this has given it a boost and that I'm trying harder in that department but its coming easy.
Any suggestions would be appreciated.