Relapse by wayward spouse with OM - Talk About Marriage
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post #1 of 69 (permalink) Old 02-23-2011, 07:54 AM Thread Starter
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Relapse by wayward spouse with OM

My wife had another email address she had created when she was still in the A. We have been R for about 3 months. I had asked repeatedly about other email messenger or phones since R and she told me there were none. I discovered she had sent the OM a text from this account about an email right after her father died. I confronted her because there were no emails in or out of the account. She had deleted everything. I told her initially that was it. We had a NC agreement, she broke it and I was done. She insisted it was in her grief and she only told offer fathers death with no I love yous or miss you in the message. I expressed my pain that she lied about the account and did not tell me of the contact when I voiced concern that she would turn to him In her grief which she insisted she wouldn't. I backed off and told her I wouldn't D but that my confidence and trust had been severely shaken if not destroyed. She hadn't even told her IC and insisted she would in her next session. Because she was so close to her dad I've had to back off any marital discussions and cancel MC appts. We went to see our son the last three days with my youngest daughter so we haven't been able to talk. Gotta run. Will add more later
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post #2 of 69 (permalink) Old 02-23-2011, 08:03 AM
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Re: Relapse by wayward spouse with OM

After an affair, it's either "all in" or over! She needs to understand this! You can't rebuild trust and save a marriage if she's sneaking. She needs to emotionally suffer the same loss that you are suffering. She needs to end the contact and feel the pain by not communicating with him.
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post #3 of 69 (permalink) Old 02-23-2011, 08:04 AM
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Re: Relapse by wayward spouse with OM

That's bull****. If there was nothning to hide, why hide it?
What is more important, her relationmship to you or letting this guy know about something in HER FAMILY that he has no business to your wife a death in her family is YOUR business, as you are by marriage, family. NO CONTACT means NO CONTACT. Divorce this ***** and get a wife who understands the English language (i.e. NO contact does not mean SOME CONTACT or ONE EMAIL or and ESPECIALLY NOT SECRET CONTACT).

Seriously...WTF?! if there's nothing to hide...HIDE NOTHING. Ditch her. You're better than that. She's treated you and your feelings with total and utter lack of respect and had you not discovered this on your own it doesn't sound like she'd have told you.

She's shown she is happy to break NC and not get caught...who knows what else she is not telling you?
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post #4 of 69 (permalink) Old 02-23-2011, 08:12 AM
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Re: Relapse by wayward spouse with OM

So sorry to hear 8. Do what's best for you, morale support flying your way.
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post #5 of 69 (permalink) Old 02-23-2011, 10:22 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Relapse by wayward spouse with OM

I plan on going over it in the next MC session. I presently have lost almost all of my confidence and trust. There is a small part of me that says she was overwhelmed with grief but I've told her it hurts severely that she was hiding an email, lying about it because I asked repeatedly if there were any and then going to him. I don't know what I want to do. Part of me says it was a one time reaction. Part of me says the lying hasn't stopped and the fact that she did this means it's still going on even though she insists it it isn't. My confidence in her is so severely torn up I feel like telling her I'm done for good and then a couple of hours later I feel like I can't give up. I know there is no way I can ever be certain there us not a prepaid cell or another email or that she is communicating from work. Been so far down and barely up lately. She is planning to head to see her mother tomorrow and I feel like telling her she needs to stay home so we can talk. In the dumps and not sure I can pull out this time
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post #6 of 69 (permalink) Old 02-23-2011, 10:52 AM
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Re: Relapse by wayward spouse with OM

You know, as people we dont like change much. Kind of ironic that change is the only consistant thing in our lives, huh?

Pain has a purpose. It lets us know something is wrong. It lets us know we need to pay attention to something and that something need to change. A sore back tells you to slow down your activity or to see a doctor. Well this is no different.

Let's work this out like a math problem... Since we can not change other people. And she is not changing on her own... There are only two things POSSIBLE to change. YOU or Your Environment.

If you change YOU, then that means one of two things.

A. letting the balls drop a little and becoming assertive and proactive in laying out your demands and requirements for a marriage to continue. This means adopting a zero tolerence policy.


B. Changing your environment. Also Known as "Leave"

Look, Ive been in two marriages with each one having an affair. One ended in divorce, one is currently under the "saved" categorey. The whole infidelity thing is pretty easy to figure out as long you remember a few things.

Forgiveness is not Acceptance. Acceptance is not Tolerence. You can never unlearn what you know. Never sway from your criteria for redemption.

The emotional crap will end. It really will. Either you will just not give a crap, or you will learn to deal with it in a "matter of fact" way. If you divorce you will probably never give it another thought, but it will change your perceptions. The point is, that the emotional damage will work out eventually. Dont let your actions reflect your emotions. NEVER EVER do that. Act logically and responsibly, not emotionally.

Take a deep breath, let the emotions fade for a moment or "give it to God" then look at this as objectively as possible. The answer will come to you a lot quicker than you think.
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post #7 of 69 (permalink) Old 02-23-2011, 07:30 PM
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Re: Relapse by wayward spouse with OM

I want to believe it will never happen to me, but I/we just never know. I wish I had something wise to say but I just don't. Man, I hope for the best, and you will come out ahead no matter what.

Stay focused and remember we diserve good things and we diserve to be happy.. period
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post #8 of 69 (permalink) Old 02-23-2011, 07:37 PM
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Re: Relapse by wayward spouse with OM

Sorry, I threw up in my mouth a little.

I think we work on this crap b/c in the end as we retire we will be happy with the one we took vows with "for better or for worse"
Well you know my deal, the jury is still out in who treated who worse, but for you I want to believe it will work out know the marriege and all.

We have are reasons to carry on but when sh*t like this happens it just makes you doubt.

What been her response to......what ever... her dad, her OM, you?
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post #9 of 69 (permalink) Old 02-23-2011, 09:22 PM
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Lightbulb Re: Relapse by wayward spouse with OM


nuttin' we havent read before here at TAM.

even tho' u think/talk tough, u wont be until u follow a
plan u've already made up for REPEAT OFFENDER cases
just like this one.

i could "wax on" forever with pt after pt but, best u read up
on Andrews (gosh, whats his number/id again?)thread.
u'll see/read he's taking the bull er, the cow by the horns
and getting ready to drop the hammer down w/out her even
knowing its coming. no whining. no crying. just cool, calm
collected legal maneuvering that the ladies usually pull on
the gents these days.
[sorry ladies, but u know its true....usually]

man up i say.........but only after u pray.
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post #10 of 69 (permalink) Old 02-23-2011, 11:09 PM
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Re: Relapse by wayward spouse with OM

Originally Posted by RWB View Post

What the hell is she thinking. You give her a chance at something real, something whole, something forever. Does she not understand that there are no more second chances. You are her only choice. My wife cheated on me for 6 years. When I found out it was all or nothing. I gave her 1 chance, 1 hour, 1 moment... me or she will be gone like from me and our children like a passing mist of morn. Was that hard on her, YES. But so is life.

I have to agree, the time is now. She knew she wasn't supposed to contact him, right? That's the same as if, I get arrested for drug dealing. I know upon my release from prison that I'm not supposed to do it again, so there's no excuse for me to do it again as far as the judge is concerned.

If she's feeling that down about the loss, you, her husband, are the man to turn to. You tried to pick up the pieces and soldier on for the marriage and that's admirable and the most we can expect from you, she's the one that has to get it together. Maybe leaving her alone will help her with that, when she's by herself with no one else to cuddle with her but her decisions and actions, she'll have no choice but to figure it out and maybe, if you're still into her later, you can work together to build your marriage up bigger and better than before.

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post #11 of 69 (permalink) Old 02-23-2011, 11:28 PM
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Re: Relapse by wayward spouse with OM

8 years I have been following your progress and can not express my sadness at this development.

When I first read of your situation, I felt that you wife was in love with the other man and kept you around for security and does not care how you feel. She is with you for the security you continue to provide her. She had the secret email account ready and waiting for until you were lulled into a sense of security and then she planned to begin the machinations again. She loves this man and will never let him go. He is the father of one of her children even. She was married to him for all of the time she was with you and gave him up because she was found out.

She has the best of two would all of needs are met with two men, however, none of your needs are being met. Why stay in this ask your self that. Because you love her, no you love what you have convinced yourself she is not who she really is. She seems to be a heartless, lying, narcissistic , soulless shell of a women with no compassion or morality. Are you sure you want to trust your heart to that.

8 years she is unlikely to ever to commit to you in a loving caring relationship. You are useful to her but it seems that it is no more than that. I can not think of any other interpretation of her continued deception sneakiness and lies. She will never stop, you can never trust her she will always find her way back to this man. This will likely be a repeating cycle if you stay with her. Each time she will have a ready made justification for hurting you because you are not important enough to her to worry about your emotions.

I hope you take the steps to deny her the security that she does not deserve. You will be fine with out her she however will never find the security that you provided and her lover will not provide her with that security, she is not important enough to him. Get rid of her let her taste the consequences of her choices. Please think and examine the meaning of this development and how much peace and happiness you will eventually have when she is no longer using you.

The best revenge is to live well, when you recover you will have no problem meeting someone that will return your love, respect your steadfastness and cherish you.
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post #12 of 69 (permalink) Old 02-24-2011, 12:18 AM
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Re: Relapse by wayward spouse with OM

You know, a lot of people are going to come on and say "Throw her out!" or "Man up!" but I'm going to say something different.

This is up to you. You need to decide what you are and are not willing to put up with--and then live with your decision.

Look, we don't live in your skin or at your home. None of us have to look at your kids as you put them to bed at night. None of us even KNOW you! You do. You know you; you live in your skin, in your home, with your kids. You know what you can stand and what you can not.

So I would, at minimum, suggest that you ask her to stay with a friend or with her mom until you've had some time to yourself to think. I would possibly even suggest that you take a day or two off work so you can "get away" and really think about yourself, what you want, what you believe, who you want to be, how much you can endure, and what you want to be for your kids. THEN based on those answers, make a plan how you intend to act, and then ACT. Be deliberate and be in line with the Inner You. We can't decide that for you or even tell you what to do--only you can do that. Some people might be able to endure 6 months of waiting...some 6 weeks...some "decide now, leave or go". Really what we can tell you is that choosing to have an affair to address the issues in your marriage is definitely wrong. Choosing to continue an affair after you're found out is definitely wrong. Choosing to re-contact after claiming that you're trying to reconcile--even if it's in grief over the death of your father--is wrong. So we already know she has done wrong, and we already know she is willing to lie and place the blame "on her grief" The question is this: do you choose to reconcile?

I can say that I won't be one encouraging you to just end your marriage. I can also remind you that unfaithfulness is the one moral, ethical reason given in almost every religious and legal system I know to divorce your spouse with a free conscience. You have the right--there is absolutely no doubt of that. The question is whether you are going to choose to exercise that right. I can also say on a personal level that if it were me, I'm pretty sure I wouldn't just "end the marriage" but I sure as heck would count that as an enormous boundary crossing with consequences that matched that sort of devastation. I would probably go with, at minimum, a separation of X endurance, and whilst holding VERY little hope, give that X endurance to see exactly what deep and dire changes were made...with an attitude a little bit of "I'm not helping one bit but you have X months to prove to me it is or is not worth it to exercise my right. The end." Finally I can also say that I would be someone who encourages you to forgive her--not based on whether or not she apologizes or is remorseful, but based on the fact that holding onto the pain and grudge will hurt YOU. Whether you two reconcile is irrelevant--even if you divorce, at some point forgive her for yourself...and let her deal with her demons.

Helping couples recover and reconcile after an affair or keep their marriages affair-free at Affaircare.

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post #13 of 69 (permalink) Old 02-24-2011, 04:24 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Relapse by wayward spouse with OM

By the time she walked out of here last night to go see her girlfriend, she was so angry she told me she wasn't sure she wanted to severe all contact with the OM. She said she couldn't live under the scrutiny of me checking phone numbers, emails, texts etc. and felt like a prisoner. By the time she came back from seeing her friend (I'm sure that's where she went) she said she didn't need to tlak to the oM but that the watching constantly had to stop and that we had marital problems to work on. I told her I know and have known that but we haven't had the time to get started becuase of her dad and going to see my son. When she said she couldn't cut contact before leaving it tore my heart out. We are going today to see the MC and all of this will be discussed. I don't understand how to strike a balance with her not wnating to be spied on at all and this last discovery I know I can't watch everyhting and she could sneak if she wanted to so I guess the checking up is kinda worthless anyway. When I don't find anything it builds my trust. When I do like this last time, it blows it all completely out. I've tried to be unobtrusive about it and have not pestered her with questions. It does trigger me when she is on the phone texting constantly to ask who it is. The trigger is because that is how she used to communicate when I was out of the room with the OM. I'm not sure how to strike a balalnce and still not be on edge that she is back at it. I really feel her statements last night were way over the top and don't know if she was just trying to shake me up, getting me back for blowing up about the contact or really was ready to throw it all over. She said at the time, she was. Confidence is really blown now. We will see what happens in MC later.
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post #14 of 69 (permalink) Old 02-24-2011, 06:29 AM
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Re: Relapse by wayward spouse with OM

Put your helmet on:-

How does MC help when your wife is still in the affair even it it is now emotional or in her heart. Do you really think have a nice cosy chat will change her from being a wayward.

This is where you are today, you are scared to deal with this head on, you are not willing or able to change the marriage as you think you have a way forward even though your wife is on a different page. You do not even know if the OM is out of the picture, you think his wife may know he is an affair , what may have happened is your wife could have - would have told the OM and he intercepted the note.

Why does your wife not feel the need to be open , because she has something to hide, she is not ashamed, the bar has not been set high enough, she knows you are fearful and will continue to push those boundaries untill you leave or stay on her terms.

A starting point is to assume you have no marriage , ensure the OM is permanently out of her life, contact his wife and verify she knows of the affair and ALL the details. You sit with your wife , set those boundaries, she takes a polygraph to ensure there are no more secrets hidding in her locker. STOP taking responsibility for her affair, she has to do everything to secure your trust and love. You must be prepared to walk away and if you do she is to know that you will sit with the children and family and tell them why, warts and all.

You want to save your marriage then save it , carrying on as you have been has not delivered the goods.
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Last edited by Eli-Zor; 02-24-2011 at 06:34 AM.
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post #15 of 69 (permalink) Old 02-24-2011, 06:57 AM
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Re: Relapse by wayward spouse with OM

8yearscheating. Your wife has been in a very long term relationship with a man who is not her husband. In fact, she’s been 20 years in that relationship which is a lot longer than some marriages. Some say for every year of a relationship it takes one month to get over it. So 20 years, it’s going to take one year and eight months for your wife to get over her relationship with OM.

“Getting over it” starts out with the grieving process. The first six months are full of deeply felt intense emotions, there is a whole grieving process to go through for your wife.

But your wife isn’t grieving, is she? Why isn’t she grieving? Because she has not ended her affair with the OM and come to the conclusion that her relationship with him is absolutely and non negotiably over and done with. The OM is her emotional confident. You aren’t. She is treating you like a piece of ****e and still you hang on in there taking more and more abuse from her.

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