I want to confront the OW...to verify details and give her WHAT FOR...PLEASE ADVISE!

Xena · 02-24-2011, 08:09 AM

Not sure who has read my story, so I'll sum it up here:

My partner was unfaithful through the internet for 9 months, doing webcam sex with strangers and also a 3 week 'fling' through second life (an online virtual world). He's very remorseful and we're well on the way to putting things back together.

Here is the current problem:

He is answering whatever questions I ask about his infidelity and giving me whatever info I request. However it is important for me to know that he is NOW telling the truth 100% and not leaving things out or lying. It is so important to know he is being honest...for example, he says with the virtual world fling, that they only had sex chat, not voice chat. I want to verify this and other details.

I asked him if he would be willing to get back in touch with the woman he did this with and ask her, while I was looking over his shoulder, the answers to whatever questions I wanted to know - her answers matching with his would verify what he is saying is 100% true. He said yes he would be willing to do this as he will do whatever it takes. I also said once we have these answers I want him to tell her certain other things like NO CONTACT, that what he did was wrong, that I am the centre of his world...etc. Things to make it clear it's over between them and he loves me so much and she means nothing to him. He said he is willing to do this too. I also said if she is willing I want to be able to speak with her over voice and camera, to look into her eyes and tell her how much her selfishness hurt me - and also that she had no business getting close to MY fiance and finally that she's a selfish, dishonourable ***** because she showed no regard for my partner, just used him for sex - and was cheating on her own boyfriend / husband while she did it.

We tried contacting the other woman through his account (she does NOT yet know that I know). We thought if she knew what it was about she wouldn't come online. Twice she has not been online when we tried (this has all been with me observing, and I also now have all his passwords and he said I can go into his accounts anytime). This was getting too stressful, so we sent her a message asking her to meet us (well, him, she doesn't know about me yet) online next Sunday night.

She wrote back saying
- she would not meet him
- he should just ask what he wants
- she will never talk about 'those conversations we had', and then she said 'not that interesting sorry'.

I don't know if she meant to say 'not that interesting' as in 'the conversations weren't interesting' or as in 'not INTERESTED' ..'i'm not INTERESTED in you or what we talked about' and she just made a typo.

We haven't replied yet. Fiance is upset by this as am I...we need her to co-operate to put this behind us. He's still willing to do whatever it takes and whatever I deem necessary to fix this. I'm not sure where to go from here. My fiance said from what he could tell she was a selfish and reckless person (yes he is aware he was being the same at the time) so appealing to her 'better nature' might not do anything.

What I am TEMPTED to do is send her a message on that world from my fiance's account (with him knowing of course). To tell her that I am aware of the 3 week affair and that the two of us are trying to heal and move on, but we need her help and I need to talk to the woman that was intimate with my fiance so can she please meet us online? On the other hand if she is such a selfish ***** she will cheat on her own partner I don't know if she would turn up.

Can anyone suggest anything please? I want to talk to this woman face to face and verify some answers and also ask her what the hell she thought she was doing. I know it's my fiance I am engaged to and he is the one that cheated but she has morally wronged ME and I want the chance to face her down!

bluesky · 02-24-2011, 08:21 AM

Do not confront the OW.

Facing the OM/OW will not bring you satisfaction or closure.

This affair occurred because of your fiance.
He has the commitment with you.
There are a MILLION people out there whose morals are not in alignment with ours.

The only final contact should be your fiance sending her a no contact letter.

Xena · 02-24-2011, 08:43 AM

Thanks for the reply, bluesky. Are you able to tell me why I shouldn't contact her? As I see it at the moment, there are good reasons for me to:

1. verify info I was given, this in turn reinforces me seeing that fiance is now being 100% truthful.

2. Have it out with her - she has treated me with extreme disrespect; It is wrong for me to be insulted in this way and allow her to get away with it. It feels like a slight on my honour.

2b. She also treated my fiance with extreme disrespect by USING him for sex chat...whatever he did or did not do, I want to rip apart ANYONE who dishonours him in this way.

3. He tells her what he did was wrong and advises NO CONTACT.

Now, if I do not speak with her, all I get is number 3 on that list. If I do speak with her, I possibly get 1, 2, 2b and 3. Why should I not speak with her?

I do appreciate your contribution, I just don't understand the advice. Thanks

Eli-Zor · 02-24-2011, 09:35 AM

The process is straight forward, he sends her a no contact mail that you read and approve, a sample can be found on the affaircare.com website under articles . It is up to you to verify you have been told he truth, arrange a polygraph give two or three days notice to your fiancé to come clean about everything , he has the polygraph and if he passes you move to the next stage of transparency and recovery. If he declines then this is a red flag for you. Do not lower your requirements for the full truth.
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Xena · 02-24-2011, 09:50 AM

Thanks for your contribution, Eli-Zor. I've just done a websearch and it seems a polygraph is quite expensive.

Sorry if I'm missing the point here, but two people have told me NOT to contact the OW, and neither of you have really said WHY not to. As I can see it, if I DID afford a polygraph, I would still only get number 1 and number 3 on my above list. I would not get number 2...being able to confront this monster. So again, it feels like I would get more if I contact her than if I don't...but no one has told me why I should NOT contact...just that I shouldn't.

I was more looking for advice on what to say to her to get her to come and talk to me. But if you think I shouldn't contact her, please say why not, rather than just saying what I should / shouldn't do.

Thank you again.

bluesky · 02-24-2011, 09:52 AM

1. verify info I was given, this in turn reinforces me seeing that fiance is now being 100% truthful.

It's up to him to be honest....not her. Also, she can lie as well....causing you MORE problems.

2. Have it out with her - she has treated me with extreme disrespect; It is wrong for me to be insulted in this way and allow her to get away with it. It feels like a slight on my honour.

Your fiance dishonored you, not her. She owes you nothing. There are scumbags all over the place. It's up to the people we love to not bring them into our lives.

2b. She also treated my fiance with extreme disrespect by USING him for sex chat...whatever he did or did not do, I want to rip apart ANYONE who dishonours him in this way.

This must be a joke. Sex chat is a 2 way street. He engaged in sex chat.....that is all you need to know.

3. He tells her what he did was wrong and advises NO CONTACT.
Now, if I do not speak with her, all I get is number 3 on that list. If I do speak with her, I possibly get 1, 2, 2b and 3. Why should I not speak with her?

You wont get ANYTHING positive from contacting OW. Furthermore, it can get MUCH more complicated than you expect. The blame should be place precisely where it belongs.....on your finance.

Eli-Zor · 02-24-2011, 10:19 AM

To add to the above they may have plan agreed between them as to what to say and to who, do not underestimate the ability of waywards to work together and support the common lie. The only sure fire way of you knowing if your fiancé is telling the truth is a polygraph, get him to pay for it.
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Xena · 02-24-2011, 10:21 AM

Thanks Bluesky. I am wondering though...what reason would she have to lie? Just to be spiteful? Do OWs / OMs do this? I am just so damn angry with her...I want to wipe her of the face of the earth! And I would LOVE if we could get in touch with her 'other' to let him know what she's been doing!

As a side note: would you say the fact that my partner agreed yes I could speak to her, he could speak to her, verify anything...does that say he no longer has anything to hide? He's being very very open now.

Eli-Zor · 02-24-2011, 10:33 AM

How do you know he has not agreed a way forward with her, you distrust him enough to want to talk to the OW so why imply you trust him because he agreed you can call her. Park all thoughts of talking to the OW and focus on what you require to secure your relationship.

If you want to ensure she stays away from your fiancé you do an exposure to her friends, if you chose this route there is a template of words, do not tell anyone you are going to expose, copy all her friend contacts into a word document. Post if you choose to do this and further advice will be given.
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Deejo · 02-24-2011, 10:41 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Xena

Thanks Bluesky. I am wondering though...what reason would she have to lie? Just to be spiteful? Do OWs / OMs do this? I am just so damn angry with her...I want to wipe her of the face of the earth! And I would LOVE if we could get in touch with her 'other' to let him know what she's been doing!

As a side note: would you say the fact that my partner agreed yes I could speak to her, he could speak to her, verify anything...does that say he no longer has anything to hide? He's being very very open now.

You stand absolutely nothing to gain by trying to get 'facts' from TOW.
She has zero incentive to tell you a blessed thing. Given the nature of the interaction with your husband, (virtual) she likely would find it bizarre that you would want information at all. She obviously isn't interested in your man ... she was titillated by the online interaction. As far as trying to 'confront' her ... let it go.

Certainly sounds like your man is trying to atone. Only time and his ongoing behavior will tell.

Andrew2011 · 02-24-2011, 10:45 AM

I have no experience in these matters (yet). But however tempting to the imagination it might be to give the OW/OM a thorough talking-to (we don't duel any more), I would tend to suggest not to do it. I concur that the downside of this action is potentially much worse than any benefit. And it also takes the focus off of your spouse, which, as others have mentioned, is where it is properly placed.

Bigwayneo · 02-24-2011, 10:47 AM

I can understand why you would want to. The OP was my ex best friend of 8 years. I should have decked him, (not even for the A, but the lies that followed, and during) but instead I talked to him, gave him one last chance to fess up to everything before we departed and to never see each other. I told my wife not to bother let me add a note on the NC letter because I saw him the day before and laid it on him. He is scum, he has no friends, some of his own family is pissed at him, any girl that knows what happened won't talk to him, and he is pretty much a homeless bum. A part of me still wants to punch him, or at least get him to admit to some of the BS he did, but he never will. but, I can smile knowing that in the end his life is sucking more for it. Sure I have to work on my marriage, and right now life is kind of dim.....but if everything works out, I know I will be much better off then he will be.

Saffron · 02-24-2011, 11:55 AM

I agree with everyone that is suggesting not to contact the OW.

My husband had a 7 month EA in which they ended up having sex on two different occasions. When I kept asking my DS if it was only the two times, he offered to let me contact the OW and ask her myself for verification. I said "What if she tells me you had sex 10 times?" My husband's eyes nearly bugged out of his head and he responded, "Why would she tell you that?" Duh! Because she's already a liar and may possibly be mad that you didn't keep the PA secret! His response, "Well, that would be b!%*#y." No $#!t Sherlock! Needless to say, I never contacted the OW.

If you're wondering if I believe the part about him having sex just the two times... the answer is yes. Believe me, I have the details of those two times and I think I would've prefered the fabricated 10 as long as they were all rushed encounters in a parking lot or something. He didn't sugar coat his answers to the questions I asked regarding those two incidents, but the transparency is helping to SLOWLY build back trust. Although I doubt it will ever be 100% again... with anyone.

tpb72 · 02-24-2011, 01:12 PM

And here's another do not contact the OW vote.

The idea that some random woman or man owes you anything is just not so. By the way on SL a lot of men pick female avatars and pretend to be female - the idea is to live a life different than your current life after all. If they never did the voice chatting, the chances are pretty high it could have been a man because voice chatting is pretty big there.

I think you are really displacing your rage to avoid raging at your SO. I get that your pi$$ed off at him but your turning the brunt of it onto someone who doesn't matter. IMO there are two ways that could go for you ... your rage burns out and your better able to deal with your SO, or it will linger for a very long time.

twotimeloser · 02-24-2011, 11:11 PM

Video games kill relationships.

Delete the account and give +5 dexterity to your life.