ok well hubby dropped son off this morning, he got called into work, he hadn't realized I had moved the counseling apt from today to last monday, the day after he left. He asked what time it was, and that he could probably be off work in time. So luckily I was able to get one today with the same counseler, says as long as he's off he'll go.
I am afraid to put any hope in this. I am praying the counsler pulls his head out. Of course he's still talking to her. We hugged, and I said I love you, he said it back. I am not sure if he's just going to make me happy, thinking he's willing to work on the marriage, or if he's curious or what. I guess it shows he is not completely throwing the idea of our marriage down the toilet. I am thinking now....ok, we do this apt, and keep going while still talking to her, we are may as well put our money in a pile in the yard and torch it. I hope the counsler tells him he needs to stop, maybe hearing it from someone other than me or friends and family will bear some weight.
At the very least, it will make him realize he needs to start IC. We can work on ourselves, then us. I am on the fence about being hopeful, lol.
I wouldn't put too much hope in therapy saving a marriage while one partner is still actively involved with another person. That being said, I suppose keeping communication open is less scary than being in the dark.
On a side note, I really think you should keep all your posts in a single thread that tells your complete story. These multiple threads make it really difficult for folks to jump in an advise properly. Just my opinion, of course.
duly noted baldmale. I wasn't putting faith into this first apt to save the marriage. I am just kind of hoping after a few sessions of counseling together will make him see how he needs IC. I am hoping that it will make him see the light so to speak, that speaking to her isn't helping him help himself gain clarity, for what he wants for his future, for his healing, if that makes any sense. That this feeling he has for her is clouding his vision, because it is clouding his perception of me.
Well, went to first counseling session. Addressed some of the issues we have with each other, the swap, etc. We were talking on the way home, and he said he kind of thinks that me wanting him to come home to show him the changes in me is just a way of getting what I want, which is one of the issues he has with me (doing what I want, no matter the consequences) I told him no, I am making the changes for ME, because I am trying to get myself personally in a better place, and hoping you see this, and maybe you will want to rejoin our family, and our lives will be better because of it.
He said back, well of course a person would say that, but I don't know since I'm not you, and I said well, you can believe it if you want to or not, I know what I mean is true. He thinks that if we are meant to work out he'll stop talking to the b$%$# on his own. he'll get to a point where it's like, this isn't working, I want to be with my family....*sighs*, on the positive note, he agreed to go to another session.
So still in limbo, haven't gained any hope, but haven't lost any either. He also said, if I think *** is clouding his head, wouldn't coming home at this point be clouding his head in the other direction? Bleh, I don't effin know, I don't see it that way, but who knows. Then *imagining smacking his head against a wall* stop talking to her so you aren't swayed either way....the counseler even said that. She suggested that perhaps he stop talking to her so he could come to a decision easier. She said in her opinion, our situation is worth working on, we just have to be on the same page, which is what I already knew. It's just getting him to that point where he's on the same page. Which will take time, I totally get that. He may or may not, I think he will in time though.
But he is tired of being told what to do, he wants to be able to make the decision to do it on his own. He sees this as standing up for himself, I think he's being selfish, but i didn't say that. This man, I swear.... I think he's gonna be out of the home for awhile, I think a month or two of only seeing the kids once a week, or even not at all, depending on his work schedule, will take it's toll. While I'll be here slowly evolving and changing, boy if he makes the wrong decision...he's gonna realize what he's missing in me. He's gonna look at me and be like damn, I was stupid, while I laugh in his face, hahahaha.
I stood my ground on coming home, he never asked, but I reiterated that he is welcome to come home tonight, but you gotta stop talking to her. He says, that's just to get what YOU want, well yeah. But I am giving you the choice, so it's not me trying to force your hand, you have a choice. Forcing your hand would be making threats, tons of ultimatums, begging, crying pleading to make him feel guilty, am I correct?
He doesn't wanna stop talking to her, fine. Then you have made the choice to not see our children until next week at least until Wednesday, you have made the choice to miss them. Still making her more important than your children because you don't want to be told what to do, to make a point. Like I said before, it's not me now, it's him. He doesn't see how his vision is so askew. Why does he think coming home would be clouding his vision the other way, but allowing his vision to be clouded by her? GAH!!! Some men.
What he wants is both of you. He's not ready to quit the OW for whatever reason, and he probably is scared of losing you completely. That's what needs to happen though. If he is choosing contact with her, go dark and let him experience life without you. Only then do you stand a chance.
It's a scary idea though, I know; letting go to get him back. But really, what other choice do you have? He's already gone and just taking you through emotional hell while he cake eats.
Runs, yes, I tell him all of this stuff, he knows my stance on everything. Oh I know, he wants one in case the other doesn't work out. He doesn't want to be told what to do, so I think he's testing me to see if I demand again? It is scary as heck bald, but as I said, I am not giving permission, I am just accepting that there's nothing I can do about it....the consequences will hit him sooner or later. I do know this...he has said he doesn't want to meet up with her cuz it'll make it real. If I find out he broke his word, and they are seen about town together or if they slept together, then it's done. Last nail in the coffin so to speak. I haven't decided how much time I will wait for it to fizzle out.
Right now his reasoning for attending counseling isn't to work on marriage, but for our relationship, because regardless, we have to get along and be friends, sensible, I agree....but there is gonna come a time where he's gonna have to decide to end it with her. I need to sit down and think how long I am gonna wait. 2 years? heck no, right now I am not going to make any personal ultimatums on time because I am such an emotional rollercoaster.
I am gonna wait til my head settles before I make any personal decisions. For all I know, 1 month from now he may come to his senses, he may not. Right now it's still so fresh, they can't do this for 6 7 months and have it not get old, assuming the dingdong is telling the truth about not seeing each other at all,(I still don't have complete faith in that). Bleh, such an unfortunate situation...
Well finally went 24 hours with no tears, none yet today too, I think i have finally hit the anger/resentment stage. The more I think about it, the angrier I get. Anger is a much better emotion I can channel into something positive than grief. A friend was reading me some paragraphs from a Christian wife book, a phrase caught me, Make yourself the lovelier person, the better choice. That's a win/win situation for me. I become lovelier I have that it follows me through the rest of my life, and he notices and chooses to come to his senses....or I become lovelier inside and out, and that follows me through the rest of my life, and he remains the fool. There's no losing for me there, at least I will have a better me. I may not be perfect, but I sure as heck know I am a good person, and a HECK of a alot better person than her. I found her on fb last night....not gonna say how since I was blocked teehee, my daughter asked who's that? I said a girl I used to know, she goes she is UGLY!!!!! I laughed and said I know. I know I am mean, but she looks like a pig faced troll.
My God, it's amazing how much you can love and hate a person so much at the same time. Whenever I think about him now, I feel so much hate, anger and resentment. I am channeling it into positive stuff though. My house is purdy, I worked out, and now I am venting on here lol. I wonder if that's normal at this stage. I am developing an eff you attitude, you are looking out for you? I am looking out for me now, like I'll show you. I am not obsessing though, that is a positive thing, have not contacted him at all. Sucks cuz I need to find something to do this weekend, it's supposed to snow a ton, and there's only so much you can do in the house, I think I may repaint a room or something to keep busy. He think she's so great...just wait til you see what you could leave behind. I am almost to the point of not caring today, like you do what you want to do, I am gonna do what I want to do. I'm gonna make him eat his heart out. I am working my way back to myself finally after all of these years. Unfortunately my anger is motivating me right now, but that will come with time, baby steps right?
I guess I'm missing that part of my brain. To me there is no such thing as loving and hating someone at the same time. It's one or the other. I also think anger is a waste of time. I don't feel anger towards my wife no matter what I feel she's done to me. She wouldn't care if I were angry with her anyway.
Ok, saw him in the van on the way into town, had to keep my fury under control while I ran errands. I am DEFINITELY in the anger stage, luckily my mom listened to me vent, and unfortunately when I am that angry, I cry. First time in almost 2 days. I was saying all sorts of How dare he statements. I looked at anytime minutes used in last 24 hours, not sure till I can see the call logs, but pretty sure they were mostly if not all her, and on the day of our appt too. I swear if he's talking to her about our counseling session, that's bullsh*t. I realize it's gonna get worse before it gets better, (if it does) but GRRRRR!!!!! After my rant, I am better now, but I wish he was here right now in front of me so I could scream at him.
I wish I could put a plug in him so he could feel all of my pain, maybe he'd gain some perspective. He's so stoic it's hard to honestly tell if he's feeling anything. Our sons birthday is on Monday, and I believe he's gonna come over for cake and ice cream. I don't even want him here, I am afraid if I see him, I am gonna unload on him. I can control my fury fairly well, but I don't want to, (I will though.) Why do I have to be the one to take the high road???? How dare he go about life like it's all normal. I am here with his kids while he sits at his sisters, laughing and joking, and getting his ego stroked by that ******. I had better stop before my temper starts boiling over lol.
and I know he's off work now, I am sorry for making this my personal diary, I want so badly to ask him to come over so I can unload on him, I know he has been speaking to her. How can he do this to us????? I just wanna smack him with brass knuckles!!!!! I just wonder how long I can deal with this limbo and anger over speaking with her. I have asked him if he's looking for a way out and he has always said no. I hate real life.
Ok well something interesting....I needed to get my mobile charger for my phone, and luckily my dad fixed my pickup. So I went to his work, he happened to be on break. He told me he called her this morning and said they have to break contact. Keep in mind I didn't bring anything up, I was just there to get my charger, he came back from the building as he saw me pull up and volunteered that info to me. She was crying OH WELL!!!! Secretly I was laughing on the inside, man I am a terrible person haha. He said he realized how much he was hurting everyone by doing this. I asked him so what does that mean we are working on, he said working through our issues to try and figure out where we go from there, isn't that kind of working on the marriage???? You can't really work on the issues to decide to stay together or not without working on the marriage. lol.
Anyways, gonna sit down with him tonight and ask him what his expectations are, I'd like to make a list of expectations and boundaries that we work on now, and reevaluate them in near future. I found that she had refriended him on fb in the last day or two. One of my expectations is that in my presence, he unfriend her and block her, and I am gonna bring up the access to cell phones, we'll see how he reacts to that one. I will simply explain to him, ok, you want to work forward so we can decide what we are gonna do, well don't give me any reason to doubt you, I won't give you any reason to doubt you. It should be interesting, gonna put on my poker face and bring my A game.
Ok, something really hit me this morning, I was doing some real thinking. After it all hit the fan, really me talking to the man after it all went down is in theory the same thing as my husbands EA. While we didn't cross the line into I love you like they did, I needed someone to listen to me. I didn't realize in the midst of emotion and turmoil that it bothered him. I had asked him at one point at time do you want me to stop talking to him? He said I don't care do what you wanna do, I wanted him to say yes. It took some time and courage, as I didn't want to hurt feelings, I finally had told him no more contact. Really, my husband followed the same pattern, his just crossed that line. I really have no right to come down on him the way I did, when not realizing it, I did the exact same thing. Now the guilt is really setting in, how much it must have hurt him me talking to the man. Again, I was just as guilty then of adding to the problem, as he is now. My God I have been such an idiot. No wonder my husband doesn't know what to do. I am supposed to be his comfort, his safe place, and I have violated that so badly. I am crying as I type this, my guilt is so great it's just overwhelming right now. I pray he can find it in his heart to forgive and trust me again. I love him so much. I feel like such a piece of trash right now. How dare I come down on him so hard, when I am just as in the wrong. All I can do is put a little trust in him to start doing the right thing, as he needs to do with me.