Pain /heartbreak/disbelief/

Ham987 · 09-11-2008, 01:43 PM

I have posted here a few months back
I never really felt heart break till now this is the worst time in my life
I knew my wife was unhappy, we talked and she told me we needed to change things if we where to continue
I did an inventory of my self and agreed that major changes needed to happen
I start to talk with a councilor and basically rediscovered my self
I have dropped 55 lbs ,gave up all the overtime ,start to spend time with my wife doing things we have love to do in the past and making a effort every day to bring her some kind of happiness
Let me state that I have always loved my wife and shown her that I do
I have always trusted with all I have, my inner core I know how that’s sound but can’t figure a better way to put it

As I stated in the previous post last year she had breast cancer and she just turned 40
So I had chalk some of the problems up to the bad year and the tomoxfien that she takes every day

The other day I noticed a guy in about 6 pictures with his arm around her
So I ask who he was and got a strange and nervous answer
Then the next day pictures disappeared

So last night I had to work the overnight and I picked up a pastry for her to have at work and put it on her front seat in the car
I saw her blackberry I couldn’t help my self

I almost wish I hadn’t I scrolled thru the call history she has been calling this guy at least 7-10 times a day for ever

I was heartbroken stunted I woke her up and confronted her
She started to lie at 1st then told me that she has been friend s with him for the last 11 months
Going places with him meeting him and talking I am not a jalousie man by nature so I have always trust her

She works in sales on the road and is around guys all day

Last January she had him go on a roar trip to Germany with her for two weeks
That where the pictures are from I had no idea

I am lost shes says that nothing has happened
but I don’t know what to belive
All of a sudden now that I caught her she want to work on our marriage

I love her but feel betrayed and don’t know if I can ever get around this we have been together from 1989 and have had what I thought was a good marriage

How can I still feel love and not fell like a fool

Amplexor · 09-11-2008, 01:54 PM

I’ve worn your shoes. The initial shock will wear off with a little time and distance. If she is now willing to work on your marriage take advantage of that. There is a possible PA here but definitely an EA. An EA is easy to slip into as it usually does just start as a friendship but develops into more if TOM is filling some void in her life. Spouses don’t generally set out to get involved it just kind of happens. Begin to communicate with each other and find out what each of you wants in the marriage. Take special note of her needs and what TOM provided her. She must end all contact and be transparent with you in order to regain your trust. She needs to disclose the depth of the relationship. Don’t feel like a fool, you simply made a mistake. More importantly so did she.

swedish · 09-11-2008, 02:05 PM

Good for you on the weight loss!

I think in order to move forward with your marriage and not feel like a fool, you need some assurance that she is being honest and forthcoming with you regarding her friendship with this man. It is only then that you will gain an understanding of what she was lacking that she sought outside of your marriage so you can work on those things within the marriage.

I would also recommend that she end this friendship, as it has negatively impacted the marriage and if she does find comfort in him, she will be unable to focus on working on it.

You are in no way a fool for working for a marriage you believe in, especially if she is willing to put forth the effort. It takes a strong person to look past such serious missteps and the hurt they cause to keep their marriage together.

Ham987 · 09-11-2008, 02:14 PM

thanks I never thought I would need the help of strangers

But this pain has made me look at others very diffrently I have been humbled
Thank you all for being there for a stranger you are far better people than I
I hope i have the opertunty to help someone eles and repay this debit
my heart is shattered

swedish · 09-11-2008, 02:41 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Ham987

All of a sudden now that I caught her she want to work on our marriage

It does seem all of a sudden, especially since you discussed these issues and you've made some major changes for yourself and how you relate to her, so I'm sure it's both shocking and confusing. But if she befriended him before that talk and became emotionally attached to him for support, it may have been hard for her to walk away from that, even when seeing your changes.

You finding out and confronting her is probably the wake-up call she needed to think about what she really wants and force her to make a decision for herself. In that sense, it's a good thing.

Ham987 · 09-13-2008, 07:56 AM

Funny its only been two days and the emotions Iam feeling are like a rollercoaster from rage to tears

I even have moments when I think every thing is normal
but then reality crashes back down and I want to throw up

I feel like is is a bad dream I cant wake up from

Amplexor · 09-13-2008, 09:09 AM

The emotional rollercoaster is hell but with time and effort from the two of you it will get better. Try to give yourself a break from the emotions and fill your time with some other things. Go to a movie, read, work out, pick up a hobby. Emotions 24x7 will tear you up. This will take time to heal for you both. Spend time together as a couple and have some fun. Don’t dote on her, don’t spend all your time trying to figure things our or talk. Take it a day at a time and it will start to smooth out. She wants to work on your marriage. That’s a huge first step. Good luck.

bluebutterfly0808 · 09-13-2008, 09:28 AM

this is probably one of the toughest times in your life. hang in there! you will have days when you think your fine & days when you know you are not. don't worry, you are not crazy. work through this together. tell her she needs to be an open book if that's what you want. also, when you need to talk because you get that "fight or flight" feeling, she needs to listen in a big way. it will be hard but take one step at a time! good luck.