Good and Bad Days

Marie84 · 03-07-2011, 08:26 AM

Its been almost two years. I don't think about it alot anymore. Or if I do I push it to the side. Some days I think about it and feel sick and consumed like I can't breathe or think about anything else.

Is this normal? My husband is supportive and tells me that I can talk to him whenever I need to but I don't want to bring it up all the time. Eventhough he says he can handle it I'm afraid that he can't and that he will get overwhelmed and cheat again. Eventhough he says he won't.

I'm just overall mad that I've been put in this predictament. I'm mad that I even have to think about it. Any help and positive feedback would be great.
Thanks for reading either way.

Bigwayneo · 03-07-2011, 09:03 AM

Two years? That brings me hope that I can go threw with it to. I am only on month 2 after D-day. Everything I read, and everyone I talk to says its normal even after 2-3 years. I think if you can make it this long, you can make it further and get to the point were it does not even come on your radar anymore. Do you have any advice to make it to the 2 year mark?

Marie84 · 03-07-2011, 09:54 AM

Yeah its been a long road. I think my best advice is to not think that your going crazy. Some days you will feel like you haven't made any progress at all and that you will never get over it. But trust me things will get better. As the days go past you will think about it less and less.

Also, don't give yourself a time line. I kept thinking that I should just stop thinking about it and forget it. Its not that easy.

One big thing is that I immediately stopped talking to everyone about it. At first when it happened I had to vent and it was what was on my mind all the time. But once I made the decision to stay and that we were going to work it out I stopped talking to all my friends about it.

I prayed and talked to my husband. I think too much advice from people who aren't married or don't agree with staying after infedlity will throw you off. Its definately possible to get past it I'm just having a bad day. Tomorrow will be better. Good Luck.

Saffron · 03-07-2011, 10:55 AM

It also gives me hope to hear that you've made it to the 2 year mark. I'm just 2 months past D-day, so I have those days you're describing a couple days a week. I'm hoping that it decreases over time, but I'm not surprised you're still getting them 2 years out.

I found out recently that my Grandfather cheated on my Grandmother after about 30 years of marriage. Anyway, my Grandparents stayed married and I never knew it happened until after his death. I would love to talk to my Grandma about it, but I'm not ready to share my husband's infidelity with family. However, from what I've heard, my Grandma would have bad days decades after it happened. She would get angry, deal, then move on yet again.

Sometimes I wonder if she ever regretted staying with him. But I only saw a happily married couple who square danced, played cards, attended our birthday parties, and traveled the world together. We celebrated their 70th wedding anniversary a few years before his death and I never doubted the love they had for each other. When I look at my Grandma, I see someone who lived a life full of love, not regret. Her strength gives me strength, and hope.

DawnD · 03-07-2011, 12:40 PM

I would think that it would still be normal. We are about a year and 5 monthish out from his Dday ( I actually had to count that so woo hoo) ha ha ha. It comes up every now and again, but I do the same, and redirect. Every now and again I get that day where I feel like I just can't shake it, but I do tell him. And he does something sweet, like brings me home my favorite candy bar or something to make me smile again. It helps.

twotimeloser · 03-07-2011, 03:02 PM

Marie,

Do you have a pastor to talk to? did you go to a MC?

What is it you need to get off your chest? Have you written him a letter of diclosure in regards to your feelings? Are you afraid to bring it up to him?

As far as the thoughts... unless you are obsessing... this is going to be present for a pretty long time, which is normal.

Normal may not be great, but it is what you have. There is a level of acceptance you have to have when you agree to forgive. And if you do forgive, you can nevermake him pay for it.

upstate_guy · 03-17-2011, 08:37 AM

4 months from D-Day for me and I'm still going through the good day/bad day thing every week.

It's frustrating that the bad days seem to come from nowhere, and often follow a string of great days, but I guess that's just part of the process.

As time goes on I'm learning more about what puts me in the mindset to have a bad day and it's always obsessive thoughts about the EA and the past. When I stay busy I seem to be able to keep those thoughts from taking hold, but when I have too much free time and my mind starts wandering, I start to focus in on the hurt and spiral downward. It's one of those "idle hands do the devil's work" things. It's pretty clear to me that I am obsessing about my wife's past with the guy she had the EA with (ex-bf) and I am going to IC but haven't been able to break through yet.