03-09-2011, 04:31 PM
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: Hi! my name is ~Pit~.
| | Re: Need some advice...
clearly define your boundries.
I might not being popular for giving this analogy but...
Treat her like a child.
lol, before anyone attacks me, Let me explain...
I have a small child (3 year old) he is exhibiting behavioral problems, he is very intellegent and like most kids manipulative. Because of the disfunction in my home created by my W's infidelity, my son's behavior is being affected. Because of this Ive spent a great deal of time studying child behavior and systems to deal with them.
So, let me tie together my analogy/advice.
Your wife much like a child is testing your boundries. Actually when I thought about it and read all this information on child behavior, there are some very distinct similiarities to childrens behaviors and the behaviors of disloyal spouses... I'd actually agrue that a disloyal spouse in the "fog" of an affair does revert in many ways to child like behavior patterns.
So anyway, she is testing your boundries the same as my 3 year old tests mine. She is well aware that going there was pushing into the grey area... You didn't clearly say that you didnt want her going there at all... So... Grey area...
Without going into the whole childrens behavior thing...
Re-establish your boundries clearly. Until those boundires are clear and distinct, you cant enforce any sort of "punishment" or consequences...
So, I suggest you tell her how that made you feel when she did what she did. That it was wrong, it hurt you. You will not accept being hurt. I suggest not explaining it any further, don't engage in any arguements. You have every right to be hurt by this action.
Now that you have established that as a clear boundry. If she chooses to violate that boundry, she will understand that there will be consequenses.
Like a child, when you set this clear boundry and it's violated you take action and enforce the set consequence of that violation. For my son, he gets "timeout" for 5 minutes. lol, I don't expect that will work with your wife. lol.
You have to determine what the consequence means in your relationship, I don't know anything about where you guys are in the process or what your consequence would be. Her moving out, your moving out, etc..etc...