How to begin...

Jezcoe · 09-13-2008, 01:57 PM

I am posting here really out of a need to write my thoughts down in some sort of desperate attempt to salvage my marriage. I Love my wife and she says that she loves me. We have been together 10 years and married for 4. This past thursday after being out of town on work for 3 1/2 weeks when I tried for some intimacy (which has been harder as the years go by) She rebuffed me. When I pressed the issue she told that she was unhappy. That she did not have any passion for me. That she saw our relationship as platonic at best. Not a way to have a marriage. She agreed with me that we will go to counseling and we will try to repair things.

I blame a lot of this on my own inability to stop drinking when she has asked me to. In hindsight I see all of the signs but I did not care. For years I was sneaking beer and Gin really to cope with my own underlying depression that affects those of the Western world who do not have to worry about starvation and therefore fall into the dull rigor of modern life without their dreams met. I get that. I knew why I was doing it.

This past 3 1/2 week work trip. was when I hit bottom with my drinking. I got drunk, propositioned a woman she responded and thankfully she left before any real damage was done. I was horrified at my actions, I could not believe that I had gone so low. I spent the rest of the trip drinking like I wanted to kill myself.

When I got home, I did get a warm reception from my wife we had a nice dinner. She had to be up early for work the next morning so the common night happened.

The next day I had the day off. I went to the bar. Had a few there. Went home.. had a couple of beers and hid the empty bottles as I had done so many time before. When my wife got home all was pleasant. I had the beer that was already in the fridge. At that time I could feel that I was slurring my words. She gave me the look of dissapointment that I have seen so often. It is the look that hurts her more than me. So the next morning I made the decision not to drink. I need self control before I drink anything again if that is ever. The drinking had also made me slightly overweight, not too bad though, so I feel that my wife doesn't find me as attractive.

The night after that was when our conversation began about the direction of our marriage. To add to this long and convoluted story. An ex of my wife was in town all summer long. A very serious ex from way back in her past. I told her she could go and see him, I am no the kind of person who tells my partner what to do. I trusted her, but personally, since I knew their background I wanted nothing to do with him.

In my 10 years with my wife I had never felt threatened or jealous but this I knew was trouble. A compulsion led me to snoop on her. Before I left for my business trip, which would be the longest that we had been apart, I told her my fears about this other guy. I told her that the last time I had been away from a significant other on business that long that the relationship fell apart. (I was too young to be that serious in that first relationship) That I was scared.

Last night(friday), after long talks and discussions and painful talks I could not help myself. I got her laptop and went looking. I found emails about their affair while I was away. It was a kick in the chest. But I don't blame her. I know that the affair is not the reason we are having problems but a symptom of a greater ill. In reading their emails I understand that he filled a need that I was not providing and I forgive her. I told her of my almost affair and how that was the bottom of my alcohol abuse. She needed the passion and I was unable to. Reading the emails I told her I get. That I don't talk to her like that. She did stop the affair before I came home. He left town back to where he lives. She pushed the affair away from herself. Feeling guilty but not ashamed she told me that she never meant for me ever to find out. That she had hoped that ten years form now I would never have had a clue.

My obsession in digging out this affair did hurt things more. I hope though just for the short term. Today she has left for the weekend. Needing space. I said ok. If that is what she needs. We are flogging the same dead horse for hours. In all of our talking about what is going on there has been no screaming. No blaming, well blame my drinking and she blames herself for suppressing her real feelings for so long. But I was not there for her. I hope that my rock bottom moment that made me wake up to what I was doing to her wasn't too late to save our marriage.

I love her. She told the she loves me or she wouldn't be here. I want the couples therapy to work for us to rebuild our relationship. She says she will do that with me. To work to rebuild our marriage, but I get a feeling from her that she has been suppressing her feelings for so long that there may be no coming back. We want each others happiness. I want to be together and I think that she wants to work towards that too. But she doesn't know what she needs or what I could do to basically reignite the passion that she is missing. All of our talks in the past few days have been emotionally draining and filled with the greatest sadness that I think either of us have experienced. I hope that we can get through this with a stronger relationship. But I am scared of the future.

I really came here to just write down my thoughts to complete strangers. Trying to cleanse my mind and cope with what lies ahead.

draconis · 09-13-2008, 04:33 PM

Okay so she ha an affair, covered it up and was willing to lie about it.

You have shown no affection, abused alcohol, and willing to snoop showing her no real trust.

The best thing you both can do is counciling and for you to get into AA as soon as you can.

You both have a long road ahead of you, I wish you the best of luck.

draconis

ljtseng · 09-13-2008, 09:37 PM

I wish you all the luck. I know the struggles with alcohol can be unbearable. All i can say is be patient with your situation. Give yourself and your wife as much time to get out of it as it took you to get into it.

Never give up on yourself.

bluebutterfly0808 · 09-13-2008, 10:26 PM

don't be too hard on yourselves. at least the secret lives you were both living have been exposed. as long as you both are committed to working on your marriage, you have a shot! good luck!

voivod · 09-13-2008, 11:58 PM

do yourself a favor and read my very first post here "separated and it's killing me..." and find out the hell that alcohol use over a long period of time creates. i don't know why i drank. you sound very poetic about the reason you drink. i think it's much simpler than that. but i almost f-ing died buddy, and i'm separated from the love of my life, which is, as i said, killing me. AA and individual counseling are great first steps as far as i'm concerned. your self esteem sucks probably, that's why the snooping and suspicion. her affair? i don't know, but neither do you. you wanna save your marriage. AA, sobriety and counseling for YOU, let everything fall into place. it sounds like it can. but do the work.