I recently (finally) got divorced from a man I was married to for 17 years. I believe he has some very strong narcissistic traits including control, manipulation, deceit, and infidelity. But he doesn't call names or belittle me and he usually has a side of him that is kind and caring. It's just that he is unsafe because he can do selfish things that safe people wouldn't do. Reading through the posts, I can see myself in the same "stuck" situation as others who think it will get better with patience and more kindness & attentiveness. He had a very cruel affair 4 years ago, moved out into our vacation home (in another state) and moved her in. I went to our home to surprised him on his birthday and I got the surprise....her belongings were in my closet and on my night stand. More lies to justify it wasn't what it looked like. 6 months later, he was still trying to break it off but he was just gaslighting both of us, essentially telling the same sob story. I finally told him to stay there & that's when he decided he wanted to come back. Since it was the first (that I know of), and he seemed remorseful, I took hiim back but told him I wouldn't be able to survive another affair. 2 1/2 years later, he started cashing money. He wouldn't tell me where he spent it but after I found out about the new affair, I realized he spent the money on her (she was a masseuse with extras). Again, he moved out, flew across the country to get her and move her in. They spent 6 months planning to purchase a massage business (!##~~!!) & they both moved back across the country. They both own this business and have been together for almost 2 years. He gave up and lost so much. He says he wants to have her buy him out and return but needs money to move and start back here. The divorce was complicated financially as he lost a substantial amount of our money in bad investments. I had to short sale our new house and our vacation home and now have to find a place to live. I was very close to retiring but I'm glad I did not as it will take several years to get back on my feet. Because we were still working on our finances, he has kept in contact by emailing and some calling (he can only call when she is not at home). She does not usually know he contacts me; if she finds out, he lies about the content our conversation & leaves out the emotional connection he extends. I have not answered his emails for 2 days but it is hard, mimicking overcoming an addiction. I get angry with myself. I should be so angry with him for all the dupings, lies, financial hardships, and for being made a fool of after putting him first and trying so hard to make him feel loved for our entire relationship. I do get angry but it subsides and I'm back to being his soft pillow. This is my first post...sorry it goes on and on but I need advice. I think he really does want to come back and would if he knew I would take him. When I don't answer him, I think he pouts and tries to manipulate by not contacting me. He must think I should and hopefully will always be here for him. How do you minimizing feeling bad about not contacting him, not receiving like from him, for knowing he chose to hurt me so he could be selfish with someone & is still with her until he can get something better? How do you stay angry enough to overcome loneliness and familiarity and move on? I think I should be further along...what am I doing wrong that it's taking so long to move forward?