I still can not get right to the point of why I did it.
It happened 2 weeks after H and I decided to take a break ! It was a ONS , never seen him again !
When H asked me why I did it , I didn't know what to say ! I know I was hurting , cause H never showed me attention, and love. But I also know that is not a reason to cheat !
H and I are seperating and I would love to try and make some sense of this . It eats at me , as this is one of the reason he is leaving !
I don't know what the future holds but if I could make sense of all this maybe we both could have some closure to it.
I have explained to him, that I was hurting and that I felt unloved and unwanted. He says " it wouldn't matter how much he felt unloved he would never do this to me "
I know alot of you have been following my posts and know that he had an EA .
My Cheat was 14 years ago, and maybe if I would have been able to figure out why I did this years ago maybe we wouldn't be going through this at all!
Do you think that means that they don't love their spouse.
I know I loved my Husband, and I that I felt bad the minute it happened. I was 26 at the time , had 4 babies ages 8,6,4, and 1 .
H and I had just got into the internet and we both got caught up on chat rooms. He was staying up all night when I was sleeping and I was up all day when he was sleeping. We both were in the wrong.
I seriously need to figure this all out , I need to make sense of it for myself as well as him.
Even how much I hate that he is doing and what he is done to me. I hate that I have caused him so much pain over the last 14 years. I know I can't take it back . But I need to understand this all.
People cheat for different reasons I suppose. Most do because they are lacking something in their life. Does it make it right to do that? Of course not, everyone has choices.
However I think you have banged your head against the wall for long enough. You can try to make sense of it all, all you want, doesn't mean it will happen. I think the best thing to do now, is to focus on taking care of you and if you have any kids etc.
You can't change the past. You can't make your husband stay etc. You wil have to try your best to move forward, its all you can do right now.
Mama, you need to see a therapist if you want to get to the root of why you cheated. I can tell you some of the contributing factors and make generalizations regarding the psychology of cheating and why people do it... It really can be very very deep. But as far as your individual reason for doing it, I dont want to go there... It would be speculation...
You stated you were hurting, felt unloved and unwanted, so I think you answered your own question as to why you did.
No, it doesn't make it right, and yes there are many people who feel unloved and unwanted and do not cheat, but for whatever reason that was your choice back then.
You need to stop beating yourself up over something that happend 14 years ago. I also agree with what the other poster had said about the fact your husband is just blaming you and using what you did as an excuse.
if he was truly that hurt, looks like he would have left you when it happened years ago. He is just looking to take the guilt off of himself and how he feels about leaving.
I would say that you don't cheat on those that you really truly love. If you are cheating, there is something very wrong with your relationship. People who are truly in love put the well-being of their partner ahead of their own. Why would you hurt the person you love? And don't tell me you did it on a whim, it meant nothing! "I Don't Know" referencing why you did something, works great for a 5 year old but is a complete and utter cop out for an adult to say. You may have cheated because you felt unappreciated, unwanted but those are mere symptoms of a greater problem...you were not in love with your husband.
To be honest it is a good question at the heart of it. I personal can not wrap my heard around it. Every time I think about it, or even the "could I do that to her"....I just can't come come around to thinking someone gets to that point. My DW and I have had some pretty big lows, and 2 of those lows she either had an EA or a PA.... where as I stayed faithful to the end. I don't get it....nor will I ever I suppose.
__________________
"Is God willing to prevent evil, but not able? Then he is not omnipotent. Is he able, but not willing? Then he is malevolent. Is he both able and willing? Then whence cometh evil? Is he neither able nor willing? Then why call him God?"
You're brave to tell ppl you're the one who cheated here.
Pls allow me to share some interesting views with you.
I think the worst thing was not you cheated. The worst thing was you regretted what you had done to make yourself and your life more balanced and the worst thing is you let the bygone haunt you.
You felt your life unbalanced, that's why you searched a thing to balance it.
I wouldn't regret about it and i'd keep my mouth zipped.
It's your emotional and sexual life. Most ppl rely on their spouses for those needs, only to discover the very ignorant sides of their spouses.
You cheated because you took action to take care of your own needs and get them satisfied by someone who was able to fulfill them,which didn't mean you wanted to give up your family and marriage.
It's to take a break so you feel less painful when your spouse showed you his cold shoulder. Posted via Mobile Device
People cheat because they can. Literally. Meaning some people do not have the capacity to cheat. They actually lack the ability. Ask around. That is why so many loyal spouses can not understand how it happened, they really do not understand the concept.
This is not something you were never able to do, then suddenly were able to do. The fact is that you were always able to and chose not to for a very long time. When you did, you realized that you had set rules for yourself that you eventually broke. Breaking your own rules is where the guilt comes from. Yes, hurting someone else is part of guilt too, but the bulk of shame is from letting yourself down and realizing that you have that capacity.
Therapy will help you understand what released this ability in you. Just as your spouse is now aware that you have this capicity, you too must deal with it. Now you must figure a way to supress this. Perhaps the shame you feel will be enough. The association of emotional trauma with the act may be sufficent to accomplish this goal.
That, however, will not fix your problem with your husband and if he and you are seperating, then it is unlikely your problem will end happily ever after. Learn from it, do not make this mistake again.
I wouldnt dig too deep into the "why" of this.. because reasons are fancy ways of saying "excuses". No, I would focus on the "how" - What were your decision that led to your act of unfaithfulness.
His EA had nothing to do with it. The choice was yours. and you need to figure out HOW you came to the decision, not why.
I would be interested in knowing too, why he made you feel so unloved or unwanted. I'm not saying that because he did that you cheating was the right thing, but what has happened has happened.
I have to wonder to if he is one of these people who likes to place blame and never actually sees he might have had a hand in why things were/are the way they are. If you are involved with someone who is a blamer and never takes any kind of responsibility for anything they might have done or been a contributing factor to, then you are better off without them.
Btw, nothing to feel so proud about for being a faithful but an ignorant cold ass who doesn't care to show love and take action to take care of the spouse's emotional and physical needs.
You're faithful doesn't mean you're good.
You're faithful doesn't mean you are not heartless. You're faithful doesn't mean you're loving enough.
So ppl here enjoy cutting and judging ppl into half.
If you're a faithful spouse, you're the right one no matter how abusive you are.
If you're unfaithful, no matter how kind and great you're, you're a loser and totally evil.
That's how ppl are judged here in this forum. Posted via Mobile Device
Btw, nothing to feel so proud about for being a faithful but an ignorant cold ass who doesn't care to show love and take action to take care of the spouse's emotional and physical needs.
I actually agree with that. There is nothing to be proud about in failing to meet the emotional needs of your spouse. And when your spouse comes to you, and tells you that... You should definitely address those issues immediately. Although, in this particular part of the forum, rarely, if ever does the spouse resort to open communication instead of open legs. OK that was over the top.. but effective.
Quote:
Originally Posted by MsLonely
You're faithful doesn't mean you're good.
You're faithful doesn't mean you are not heartless. You're faithful doesn't mean you're loving enough.
Again, you make a very good and apparent observation. And so how would you suggest dealing with this horrible, faithful person? I vote for informing them of your feelings, or leaving them outright. I think that would be better than say... oh i dont know.. help me out here.. what would be a bad way of dealing with a jerk of a spouse? anyone?
Quote:
Originally Posted by MsLonely
So ppl here enjoy cutting and judging ppl into half.
Finally, I disagree. "Enjoy" would mean that people seek pleasure in it. I doubt very much that people here are getting any pleasure from the misdeeds of others. I suspect that many folks, myself included... offer a realistic perspective of the other side. This data is extremely valuable to a repentant spouse. Knowing the mindset of person whom you have offended can be a great start in the healing process. There is a reason why therapists ask " how did she make you feel?" or he... w/e. When a cheater posts, i always gain perspective into how they came to such an irrational decision and this offers us a glimpse at the mind of a cheater. I do not think there is really anything personal about it, and certainly nothing pleasurable.
Quote:
Originally Posted by MsLonely
If you're a faithful spouse, you're the right one no matter how abusive you are.
If you're unfaithful, no matter how kind and great you're, you're a loser and totally evil.
That's how ppl are judged here in this forum. Posted via Mobile Device
I am not sure if i agree or disagree with this statement. Can you define "right"? Right about what? Exactly what could be right in a situation involving infidelity? Does a " right" person exist? Are you suggesting that sometimes, the unfaithful would assume this role of "right?"
I dont know about all of that, but if a "right" position does exist, I am not sure how the unfaithful spouse sits into that role. I do know that many of us faithful spouses are not abusive or jerks.. and that does not mean we would fit that role either.
I still can not get right to the point of why I did it.
It happened 2 weeks after H and I decided to take a break ! It was a ONS , never seen him again !
When H asked me why I did it , I didn't know what to say ! I know I was hurting , cause H never showed me attention, and love. But I also know that is not a reason to cheat !
H and I are seperating and I would love to try and make some sense of this . It eats at me , as this is one of the reason he is leaving !
I don't know what the future holds but if I could make sense of all this maybe we both could have some closure to it.
I have explained to him, that I was hurting and that I felt unloved and unwanted. He says " it wouldn't matter how much he felt unloved he would never do this to me "
I know alot of you have been following my posts and know that he had an EA .
My Cheat was 14 years ago, and maybe if I would have been able to figure out why I did this years ago maybe we wouldn't be going through this at all!
I heard someone once say (Oprah or some talk show) that cheating isn't problem, it's a symptom.
And when you think about it, I think for some it might be true. Some ppl are just cheats, my brother is a fine example...I don't know that he was faithful to any woman except his now wife and she runs the show...lol
Some people it's feeling taken for granted or maybe not enough attention...but if they try to fix the problem and their SO doesn't respond, then it's a symptom I believe...
I actually agree with that. There is nothing to be proud about in failing to meet the emotional needs of your spouse. And when your spouse comes to you, and tells you that... You should definitely address those issues immediately. Although, in this particular part of the forum, rarely, if ever does the spouse resort to open communication instead of open legs. OK that was over the top.. but effective.
Again, you make a very good and apparent observation. And so how would you suggest dealing with this horrible, faithful person? I vote for informing them of your feelings, or leaving them outright. I think that would be better than say... oh i dont know.. help me out here.. what would be a bad way of dealing with a jerk of a spouse? anyone?
Finally, I disagree. "Enjoy" would mean that people seek pleasure in it. I doubt very much that people here are getting any pleasure from the misdeeds of others. I suspect that many folks, myself included... offer a realistic perspective of the other side. This data is extremely valuable to a repentant spouse. Knowing the mindset of person whom you have offended can be a great start in the healing process. There is a reason why therapists ask " how did she make you feel?" or he... w/e. When a cheater posts, i always gain perspective into how they came to such an irrational decision and this offers us a glimpse at the mind of a cheater. I do not think there is really anything personal about it, and certainly nothing pleasurable.
I am not sure if i agree or disagree with this statement. Can you define "right"? Right about what? Exactly what could be right in a situation involving infidelity? Does a " right" person exist? Are you suggesting that sometimes, the unfaithful would assume this role of "right?"
I dont know about all of that, but if a "right" position does exist, I am not sure how the unfaithful spouse sits into that role. I do know that many of us faithful spouses are not abusive or jerks.. and that does not mean we would fit that role either.
Now you see. Ppl enjoy cutting ppl into half.
I don't mean faithful spouses are all jerks but they're not all angels as well. Posted via Mobile Device
Why do people cheat 
