That's great! I know for me, it did help me feel more at peace within myself once I forgave him. It didn't make the bad thoughts instantly go away, but it did help me to push them out of my head much quicker than before because I would force myself to think about what's ahead for us in our relationship and marriage. I'm really glad taking time for yourself and having fun are back on your priority list! With 4 kids, I'm sure it won't be easy to find the time, but YOU deserve it!
That's great! I know for me, it did help me feel more at peace within myself once I forgave him. It didn't make the bad thoughts instantly go away, but it did help me to push them out of my head much quicker than before because I would force myself to think about what's ahead for us in our relationship and marriage. I'm really glad taking time for yourself and having fun are back on your priority list! With 4 kids, I'm sure it won't be easy to find the time, but YOU deserve it!
that's exactly what i feel! i feel a sense of peace. although i can never erase what happened, i can choose to move past it & see the positive over the negative. we have 4 beautiful children & run a successful business together. in the letter i made reference to some of the fun things we used to do hoping to spark some fire. we just need to have fun - plain & simple! we need to focus on the good things in life! i am tired of sitting around & wondering "what if" all the time. i'm talking a good talk but i think sometimes that's half the battle! swedish, thanks so much for your insight! you have been such a help to me. every time i post, i feel like you know exactly how i'm feeling & exactly what to say to get me through another day! i will still keep you posted! i'm free!!!!!
Both of you every day talk together more time.....
such simple advice yet so completely true! that is exactly what we need to do. sometimes we just get so wrapped up in small things that we lose sight of what matters most. we need peace in our lives! thanks for the wisdom!
although i can never erase what happened, i can choose to move past it & see the positive over the negative.
I summed that up for myself as 'I can forgive, but I'll never forget', which isn't the worst thing in the world because I certainly learned a lot in the process.
having a rough week! still holding it together but feel sorta dead inside! am i just telling myself i'm ready to forgive & move on in the hopes that i will actually believe it or just hoping this whole thing will just go away? i honestly don't know! i have been taking everything that my husband says & does to heart. i think i'm just not happy when it comes down to it!?? am i depressed? i hate this feeling! anyone else ever feel this way after forgiving? i feel super alone right now! what do i do? honestly, i am usually a very rational, secure & confident person & i am so out of my comfort zone!
I believe I have felt as you do now. At one point my thoughts (wanting to forgive and rebuild and have a stronger marriage) were in conflict of my feelings (of betrayal and hurt) so trying to put that behind me as much as I wanted to do so also made me feel sad and lonely, as if it's my cross to bear alone while he gets all the good stuff (having fun together, sex, dating again, etc.)
So while with forgiveness, you may have gotten to the point where you see how your marriage was and how he was tempted and be able to forgive, but the feelings of hurt and betrayal don't magically disappear.
It goes back to giving it time...I was most definitely depressed, but I don't know whether that's the case for you. It may be that by trying to let go and move forward you are dealing with the fallout of now trying to keep this pain to yourself so it doesn't get in the way of your progress. I don't know the best solution...I still needed to talk once in a while but other times kept it to myself and as time goes on it gets easier only because it's less frequent.
I'm afraid I can't give much in the way of advice or what to do but wanted you to know you're not alone in how you feel.
it helps just to know that i'm not the only one going up & down all the time. i just don't know how much more i can take. i think i am definitely depressed but don't get to address that because of course, i have too much to do (business, kids, house, etc.) in order to take care of myself. i think that's my biggest issue. this is the worst i have ever felt about myself but i still don't make the time to help myself. i struggle daily with these awful thoughts & honestly, i still don't understand why it happened, yet i still want to move on. i don't know if my marriage will ever work. maybe i will never be able to let it go??? now that i have told my husband i forgive him, i actually feel worse & alone. it sucks! thanks for the words of encouragement, but i have reached an all time low today.
Just because you have told him you've forgiven him (even if it included that you don't want to talk about it anymore and want to move forward) doesn't mean you can no longer ask him for support. Lean on him and let him be there for you...if you need to ask more questions about why it happened, tell him you are having a hard time again and desperately want to put this behind you but there are too many unsettled feelings you need his help to resolve.
Open up about how you are feeling within the marriage...are you still feeling overwhelmed and empty?
BTW, at some point I was thinking I was bi-polar because of the drastic mood changes. Just remember, today is not every day...it will get better again.
i did actually tell him last night & again this morning before he left for work. he has called a couple times to ask me how i am. he said we will have to talk later. i told him i hate talking to him because there are things i am afraid to say because he ends up mad. he said we just have to set some ground rules before talking (no yelling, letting the other finish what they are saying, etc.) sounds great, but i have been married to this man for 12 years & i know how these talks go - i pour my heart out & he's nice at first, then, eventually he can't take it & gets mad. he throws a fit, belittles me, throws things in the house, etc. i'm just not up for that anymore. i've done it long enough.
i think what really upset me is that i wrote him that letter after we had a big fight about him adding yet another extracuricular activity into his life without even running it by me (he does a lot outside the house, both community & his own fun activites). he doesn't seem to remember, & never has, that i am at home with 4 kids & a business & a house. i get very lonely. funny thing is i know that he gets lonely too because he's away so much. that's why i think he was able to call this girl (using a tracphone that he bought to secretly call her). he was totally disconnected from me & our life, except when he's at home. so, after he was caught, he was extremely remorseful, embarassed, etc. he said he would do whatever to get us to a better place. he didn't want to lose me or mess up what we have as a family. i believed him & decided to work on things. we went on a date that next weekend & a few since it happened. he did get me a card once saying that things were going to get better & we would take time to reconnect. problem is, i don't see any of that in his actions.
anyway, what i was going to say is that he never responded to my letter. if he only knew what it meant to me! he had to know it was hard for me to say that i forgive him. wasn't he glad. i wasn't expecting fireworks or anything, just a simple "thanks, that means a lot to me." would have been great! when i asked him last night why he hasn't said anything about it, he said he didn't want to bring it up if i was trying to move on. i just don't know how to feel about that! my husband is not stupid but what do i need to do to quit being this emotional doormat?
it isn't that i'm worried that my husband doesn't love me or want to be with me. it's that i'm worried that maybe i don't want to be with him after all the years i have spent trying to get him to see that our marriage needed some work. we were ok, but i wanted more. i always felt as if he was never totally plugged in. it was far too easy for him to put so many other things first before our family and when i would try to talk to him, i usually gave up because of his temper. i think that now that this whole "affair" has happened, i saw it as my catalyst to improve & make things better. i think he just wants to go back to the way things were. i don't!!!!
how do i approach this? i have already told him (several times) that i was not happy with the way things were & that i was lonely so often. how do i get him to realize how serious it is that i am feeling? do we need counselling? we are in such a financial pinch right now, i don't know how we would do it. but i realize that i am not getting through to him! i never have been able to!!! i have forgiven the affair yet can't move on because i want change. i am lost!!!!
I only just read your thread. Very interesting. On a practical note, I think your husband likes to distract himself with all his extracurricular activities. I think you should ask him to pick one and drop it, so that you have more time together. Any chance of that?
I'd have to agree. His response to your letter tells me he is uncomfortable having serious, intimate discussions so avoids them and brushes things off. Maybe instead of having talks that are uncomfortable, the better approach would be as MT says, spend time having fun...and re-affirm how much fun you had and how this is what you've been hoping your marriage would be like.
mt - i have done that a thousand times! he has so many things - hunting (which turns into time at camp, card playing, having a beer with the guys at the local bar, staying at camp, etc.), fantasy football (3 leagues total - at least 1 mtg. to attend per week, phone calls with ff partners, 1 computer league), flag football (sunday morning, can't go to church as family now, even though i told him i felt we have drifted in our spirituality - he recently picked this activity back up because he gave up a different one), darts (recently picked this up to help someone out who was in a bind - this is once per week), coaches peewee football (5 nights practice, 1 - 2 games per week), local government president (1-3 mtgs. per month), community committee president (at least 1 time per month), season tickets to pro sports team 2 hours away (several times per month), softball player (head of the team-tournaments on weekends in the summer & every monday night), remodeling, remodeling, remodeling (office & home). see how it can get confusing! i'm sure i've left something out. i simply can't keep track of it all! we have 4 children & i'm having a hard time keeping up with anything! over the years, anytime i approach him that he has too much going on, he gets very defensive & starts throwing stuff in my face. he's a very good manipulator & fighter. i back down to avoid the confrontation (it gets ugly!). then i bottle up my feelings & build resentment! i have tried so hard to be understanding but enough is enough! this is why i am not surprised that we got in this situation! how can someone be totally plugged in when they are hardly home? don't get me wrong, he's a hard worker but he's just as good at playing!
we do go out & have a blast when we go...but, if i didn't plan to go, he would not notice that we haven't been out for a long time. he just is in a different world. he's too busy to have a problem or to think about things in depth. i don't think he's necessarily uncomfortable talking. i think he just doesn't have time to talk. he has to work in the morning so late night talking after kids are in bed is not good because he can't sleep then. he always has something more important going on. i have been trained to feel like a bother. he says i'm not, but actions speak louder than words!
anyway, it's partly my fault because i used to just let stuff go because i was sick of fighting! things were good for a while, but then we had a 4th baby & everything changed again!
basically, yes, my husband definitely likes to distract himself with any activity! he always says that i'm nagging when i ask about his activities. well, guess what, i am nagging & don't care! want to know what i do as far as my own activities? - dinner with girlfriends once a month (4 hours). pretty sad, huh?
any ideas how to get his attention to focus back on me & the family & away from all those other things? what does he get out of being so busy???? he says he gets sick of being away but then adds other stuff. what do i do? i am so drained! if we didn't have children, i would tell him to leave & go figure out what he wants! can't do that, but need something drastic to get him to see the whole picture.
You simply need to be firm. Tell him to pick one activity to drop NOW. Then insist that he never take up new once without discussing it with you first. No nagging, just DEMAND it.
mt - that's what i did when the ea happened. he promised he would do anything to prove to me he was fully engaged in our marriage. i told him my biggest complaint was all of his activities. he said he would keep 1 ff league. i said ok. 2 months later, he added the darts & flag football & a partnership in another ff league that he won't "usually" have to go to meetings for. why can't he understand how upset i am. i just can't take the disappointment anymore! i've said my peace. why do i have to keep saying it over & over? i feel like a broken record & a nag if i have to remind him. it's almost like he tries to push me away. i don't get it! is he just taking me for granted. am i a dumb_ _ _ ? what does this look like from the outside?
just for some background - my husband & I were "it" when we got together! we never once second guessed about whether or not we would be together. we seemed to want the same things (marriage, 4 kids, etc.), but i feel like as soon as we had kids, the disappointment came for me. instead of growing together, he kept things the way they always were for him & i stayed home with the baby. when i think back, i wasn't happy about it then but was just naive to think things would change. i guess i was optimistic. now i've just had it. i am definitely a pessimist when it comes to our relationship. i try to feel different but it usually ends up with me being disappointed & feeling alone. i am way too young to feel so alone! i want my husband! if i could just make him understand how this is affecting my whole being, maybe he would change. is this just wishful thinking? he needs a major wake-up call!!! being firm just doesn't work - words to him are like saying "blah, blah, blah." sometimes i talk & he doesn't even hear me. ----god i hate writing this...it makes me realize how desperate i actually am at this point. i guess i have to quit masking all of this stuff but i am sick of wallowing in self pity. i want action!!!!
Re: how do you let it go? 
