what does he get out of being so busy???? he says he gets sick of being away but then adds other stuff. what do i do?
It kind of sounds like he has an anxiety problem.
My H used to have a hundred different things going on. I wanted him to stop and I did get him to stop. But now i feel bad. He misses the things he used to do. He's depressed and out of shape. So i got my way, but he's not happy anymore.
that's just it though. he's not happy when he's home. he complains that he has too much to do. he's grumpy & doesn't know how to relax anymore. i just want him to take a step back & see what he is missing out on at home. all of his activities not only stress him out but it's also at my expense. the kids hate when he walks out the door & i am left to explain... we need to find a happy medium somehow. he never used to do as much as he does now. i think he just runs from any kind of problem & figures that the more things he fills his schedule up, the less he has to deal with the problems!??? plus, i should be happy too! i haven't been for a while, but always would let things go because i knew he truly loved me. i still know he loves me but after the ea, i am tired of letting things go. maybe if i had put my foot down earlier & stood up for what i wanted, we wouldn't be in this position???? omg, i am so tired...
being firm just doesn't work - words to him are like saying "blah, blah, blah." sometimes i talk & he doesn't even hear me. ----god i hate writing this...it makes me realize how desperate i actually am at this point.
You are being just like your hubby. You are just not hearing me! I said be firm! I did not say nag him. Being firm means taking the time to make a short check-list of what you want and telling him, I want this or else. But you can't start that process until you have been firm with yourself. That way, when it comes out, it will sound powerful - and he will be left with a genuine choice.
Because you have been wishy-washy up 'till now he has been left with a far simpler choice - Help you, or just ignore you and hope your demands evaporate. And he has taken the easy option because you always accommodate him. You may complain, but it's accommodation, because in the end he always gets away with it. He had an EA, and got away with it - which is all credit to you on the forgiveness angle, but you must use that as the wake up call.
The irony is that he will be much happier with the new firm you! He needs saving from himself. That is one of the benefits of marriage. My wife sometimes tells me when to "knock it off", and upon reflection I see she was right.
This is probably over-simplifying what you are going through, but I thought i'd throw it out here anyway.
Have you ever joined in with some of his activities? Have you taken real interest in his hobbies?
I've started to take a real interest in what my H does. I'm being patient and trying to appreciate what he does do, even if its not exactly what i want, which it usually isnt.
I'd like him to take more of an interest in what I do. But i've found with my new approach im way more relaxed. Plus, I am starting to appreciate more what he does do and be patient with getting exactly what I want.
it isn't that I'm worried that my husband doesn't love me or want to be with me. it's that I'm worried that maybe i don't want to be with him after all the years i have spent trying to get him to see that our marriage needed some work. we were OK, but i wanted more. i always felt as if he was never totally plugged in. it was far too easy for him to put so many other things first before our family and when i would try to talk to him, i usually gave up because of his temper. i think that now that this whole "affair" has happened, i saw it as my catalyst to improve & make things better. i think he just wants to go back to the way things were. i don't!!!!
I can relate to you on many levels-because this is exactly what my struggle has been throughout our marriage.Here's what I've learned, and what i have began doing differently.First off, it's a losing battle, and you're going to end up being hurt or upset again as you undoubtedly keep moving farther and farther away from what YOU ideally want and closer and closer to whatever strange and unhealthy situation he's creating.f you feel like you HAVE to Stay and try to work things out, then be careful. You're going against the odds.I want you to step back from everything going on around you and in your love life right now.Get in touch with what's going on for YOU, instead of what's going on with your husband. Now answer a simple question for me-Answering honestly, how many of the things that you do, or the things that you've chosen for yourself
when it comes to men and relationships, stems from your own personal fear of being alone? Take out a pen and a piece of paper right now and write down what you just learned or identified about yourself.To compare notes now, let me share some common and unbelievably stupid things I've done to avoid my fear of being single or alone...
1.Dated "Unavailable Men": This one is common but counter-intuitive to understand. Lots of women who are afraid of being alone end up picking the same kind of men over and over who just don't "get it" and don't show up emotionally in relationships. Of course, if you do this, at the root of the problem is YOU. You don't believe in your ability to meet a REAL MAN, or to have a REAL relationship... so you take what comes
along (anything) and try to make the situation, and the man, into something more than it is.
2-Accepting "Unacceptable" Behavior From Men: If you're a woman who's afraid of being alone more than you are of being in a BAD, NEGATIVE, HURTFUL RELATIONSHIP... then guess what you're likely to end up with? That's right... a bad relationship.
3-Acting "Needy": When you are afraid of being alone, or living independently, men can quickly sense this inside you... even if you don't ever say it. You send off a kind of "vibe" or "energy"when you get close to a man. Usually this looks, in part, like clingy
or needy behavior. And guess what?This is 100% Grade A Man-Repellent if you are looking to build the foundation for a lasting relationship.
Those are just a few off the top of my head. Recognize anything here? And I promise that you'll ruin your chances if you think you can "convince" him to commit to you through shows of affection, appeals to his desires or other "gifts" to bribe him.I tried that too, and IT DIDN'T WORK! Instead, you should think about the times you've seen that he wasn't personally ready for a committed relationship.Those things are as real as the strong feelings and emotions you feel that have kept you in this relationship. Use the issues and challenges you have had together as a guide or a reminder of what has and is still keeping you two apart now.Write down what your needs are and what you feel "needs to change" in the relationship overall. Remember your value! Your self-worth can take a "Big Time" beating from betrayal.List some of your best personal qualities. And once you start doing this, I think you're going to be strangely surprised at what starts to happen for you... when the ea happened. he promised he would do anything to prove to me he was fully engaged in our marriage. i told him my biggest complaint was all of his activities
SO In other words he didn't keep his promise, and you're fully aware he hasn't and now you are feeling resentful and angry at yourself for putting up with it? Take some time to think about this, and then compare that to what will honestly make YOU happy,and what kind of relationship you expect in your future. The truth is that you're just keeping this situation alive by pumping your time and attention into it.If instead, you step back and stop chasing him or trying to convince him he "should want to spend more time with you",you'll have an opportunity to do something that can honestly be attractive to him-You first leave a space that he'll not recognize and not understand, which will first get him thinking about you and then wondering why you aren't acting the way you used to.Men love "new" things and curiosities.Plus, you'll also be able to give him the space he's been asking you for in his emotionally-retarded, unavailable "man-speak."The bottom line is men never feel attraction for women that they can control.The more control a man has over you, the less ATTRACTION he feels for you.The less of a challenge you are - and the more predictable you become - the less attraction he feels. It's very simple.To put it another way; if you're the type of woman who lets her emotions "TAKE OVER", then you need to learn how to "own" them and improve on the way you communicate.
You know, something funny happens when a man gets the space he's asked for-If you do it in the right way, he's forced to deal with himself and his own feelings to figure out that all the things he is worried about, afraid of, fearful of "committing to", etc.And being by himself, he'll see that these things are really just in his own mind - and not bad things about YOU.In other words - he won't keep taking all the old "stuff" from the past that wasn't working and keep identifying it with YOU.But you've to go know the way to
"re-wire" the connection once you've broken the old one.And if you can do this, I guarantee he'll be the one wondering about you and wanting to make changes.
Once your guy notices that he doesn't have you waiting around for him like a puppy dog anymore to figure things out, while he's off doing his "activities", there's going to be a big change in his attitude and behavior.The more you can distance yourself from your husband, the happier you'll be.Trust me.And I know doing this is tough,but you've got to.You're making a lot of assumptions about his feelings when you say "i still know he loves me " when you know he's still not keeping his promises to you after the EA.Thinking about this only keeps you stuck on him and his feelings.If you listen closely to the signals your husband is sending you, you'll see that his "feelings" are just his way of holding onto you for his own comfort.He's still choosing all these insignificant activities over spending more time with you- despite his recent EA and his promise to do "whatever he needed to do" to work on the marriage.That should give you a clear idea of where his mind is at (not focused on working on the marriage) and what his "feelings" TRULY are. So here's what I want you to do first and foremost.... Think about making some decisions for YOURSELF.Right now it sounds like your waiting for him to make all the decisions.
Think about what YOU WANT to be happy, and remember all the things your husband has done and said to let you know he's not committed to sharing his love with you.If you give him and yourself some space, a funny thing might happen you won't expect....Your husband won't have the comfort of a woman who wants his affection. He won't know that you're still there waiting for him - and this will trigger thoughts and actions in him that will ultimately help resolve your situation.
Until then....
For your own well-being, it's important you let him know he can't keep sharing his intimate feelings with you while he's unwilling to make any real changes.
You are being just like your hubby. You are just not hearing me! I said be firm! I did not say nag him. Being firm means taking the time to make a short check-list of what you want and telling him, I want this or else. But you can't start that process until you have been firm with yourself. That way, when it comes out, it will sound powerful - and he will be left with a genuine choice.
Because you have been wishy-washy up 'till now he has been left with a far simpler choice - Help you, or just ignore you and hope your demands evaporate. And he has taken the easy option because you always accommodate him. You may complain, but it's accommodation, because in the end he always gets away with it. He had an EA, and got away with it - which is all credit to you on the forgiveness angle, but you must use that as the wake up call.
The irony is that he will be much happier with the new firm you! He needs saving from himself. That is one of the benefits of marriage. My wife sometimes tells me when to "knock it off", and upon reflection I see she was right.
you are so right! i decided to be firm this weekend & told him exactly what i needed from him. his response was that he didn't know if he could give me what i needed without compromising who he is. i said that's fine, but we have a major problem then! he left to collect his thoughts. the next day was better. we did a family activity at his suggestion. had an overall good day. then monday came. he had to go to the local club for an activity & didn't come home till super, super late. i had told him earlier that i had a project i needed to complete that was already late. therefore, i needed his help with the kids & bedtime. he totally dissed me & would not answer his cell. i called the club at 1 am, because i was still working on the project & our baby woke up. he said he would be right home but didn't come for over an hour. by the time he came through the door, i was so disheartened. he sat down to talk to me & chat as if everything was just great. when i asked why he didn't come right home, he threw a fit. he said he was done, & for the first time, i said that was fine because so was i. he said he was leaving to stay somewhere else (i usually try to stop him) & i told him that was a good idea because i was sick of being a doormat. he came home early the next morning saying how sorry he was & how he wanted to make things better because all that really mattered to him was right at home. i accepted his apology & said i hoped he truly meant what he said but honestly would not get my hopes up. i also said i did not, under any circumstances, want him to do this just because of me. i only want that if he is happy with himself doing it. i also told him i thought he should quit drinking. he is not an alcoholic but it's been an issue all along which seems to aid in keeping him away "longer than he expected." he agreed & i left it at that & told him i was no longer "pulling" to make things better. basically, the ball is in his court. i said that i was here, where i want to be & always have been. i told him i was also starting to take one evening a week for myself for which he has to be home with the kids & do homework, bathtime, bedtime, etc. the rest of the day went well & he seems more in tune with himself. i hope he stays on track. only time will tell, but for now, i feel better for standing my ground & not compromising myself for once! i've done what i can do & have to choose now to move forward with a positive attitude while being firm!
This is probably over-simplifying what you are going through, but I thought i'd throw it out here anyway.
Have you ever joined in with some of his activities? Have you taken real interest in his hobbies?
I've started to take a real interest in what my H does. I'm being patient and trying to appreciate what he does do, even if its not exactly what i want, which it usually isnt.
I'd like him to take more of an interest in what I do. But i've found with my new approach im way more relaxed. Plus, I am starting to appreciate more what he does do and be patient with getting exactly what I want.
i love joining him for his activities & have always taken an interest in them. we go to softball games as a family but darts, hunting & fantasy football are activities i can't really join in on. i would but most are during the week when i am busy being mom. we do go hang out sometimes at the places where he goes for darts & ff though. it's nice because it gives me a chance to get to know some of the people he's around.
you are so right! i decided to be firm this weekend & told him exactly what i needed from him. his response was that he didn't know if he could give me what i needed without compromising who he is. i said that's fine, but we have a major problem then! he left to collect his thoughts. the next day was better. we did a family activity at his suggestion. had an overall good day. then monday came. he had to go to the local club for an activity & didn't come home till super, super late. i had told him earlier that i had a project i needed to complete that was already late. therefore, i needed his help with the kids & bedtime. he totally dissed me & would not answer his cell. i called the club at 1 am, because i was still working on the project & our baby woke up. he said he would be right home but didn't come for over an hour. by the time he came through the door, i was so disheartened. he sat down to talk to me & chat as if everything was just great. when i asked why he didn't come right home, he threw a fit. he said he was done, & for the first time, i said that was fine because so was i. he said he was leaving to stay somewhere else (i usually try to stop him) & i told him that was a good idea because i was sick of being a doormat. he came home early the next morning saying how sorry he was & how he wanted to make things better because all that really mattered to him was right at home. i accepted his apology & said i hoped he truly meant what he said but honestly would not get my hopes up. i also said i did not, under any circumstances, want him to do this just because of me. i only want that if he is happy with himself doing it. i also told him i thought he should quit drinking. he is not an alcoholic but it's been an issue all along which seems to aid in keeping him away "longer than he expected." he agreed & i left it at that & told him i was no longer "pulling" to make things better. basically, the ball is in his court. i said that i was here, where i want to be & always have been. i told him i was also starting to take one evening a week for myself for which he has to be home with the kids & do homework, bathtime, bedtime, etc. the rest of the day went well & he seems more in tune with himself. i hope he stays on track. only time will tell, but for now, i feel better for standing my ground & not compromising myself for once! i've done what i can do & have to choose now to move forward with a positive attitude while being firm!
I can relate to you on many levels-because this is exactly what my struggle has been throughout our marriage.Here's what I've learned, and what i have began doing differently.First off, it's a losing battle, and you're going to end up being hurt or upset again as you undoubtedly keep moving farther and farther away from what YOU ideally want and closer and closer to whatever strange and unhealthy situation he's creating.f you feel like you HAVE to Stay and try to work things out, then be careful. You're going against the odds.I want you to step back from everything going on around you and in your love life right now.Get in touch with what's going on for YOU, instead of what's going on with your husband. Now answer a simple question for me-Answering honestly, how many of the things that you do, or the things that you've chosen for yourself
when it comes to men and relationships, stems from your own personal fear of being alone? i can honestly say that i do not have a fear of being alone! i have more of a fear that my husband will push me to the point that i WANT nothing more than to be alone.
Take out a pen and a piece of paper right now and write down what you just learned or identified about yourself.To compare notes now, let me share some common and unbelievably stupid things I've done to avoid my fear of being single or alone
1.Dated "Unavailable Men": This one is common but counter-intuitive to understand. Lots of women who are afraid of being alone end up picking the same kind of men over and over who just don't "get it" and don't show up emotionally in relationships. Of course, if you do this, at the root of the problem is YOU. You don't believe in your ability to meet a REAL MAN, or to have a REAL relationship... so you take what comes
along (anything) and try to make the situation, and the man, into something more than it is. this is not at all how i view my husband. i completely believe he is a real man & that we have always had a real relationship.
2-Accepting "Unacceptable" Behavior From Men: If you're a woman who's afraid of being alone more than you are of being in a BAD, NEGATIVE, HURTFUL RELATIONSHIP... then guess what you're likely to end up with? That's right... a bad relationship. again, i don't have a fear of being alone, but i am a very forgiving person who needs to learn how to stand up for myself & what i need in my life. i have always been that way & am finally learning the hard way how to be firm!
3-Acting "Needy": When you are afraid of being alone, or living independently, men can quickly sense this inside you... even if you don't ever say it. You send off a kind of "vibe" or "energy"when you get close to a man. Usually this looks, in part, like clingy
or needy behavior. And guess what?This is 100% Grade A Man-Repellent if you are looking to build the foundation for a lasting relationship. i understand what you are saying but i truly don't believe that wanting my husband plugged in to our marriage & family life means that i am needy. i think it means that he needs a different perspective of his life & i need to find a different way to get him to see this rather than my usual "blah, blah, blah" talkative approach.
Those are just a few off the top of my head. Recognize anything here? And I promise that you'll ruin your chances if you think you can "convince" him to commit to you through shows of affection, appeals to his desires or other "gifts" to bribe him.I tried that too, and IT DIDN'T WORK! Instead, you should think about the times you've seen that he wasn't personally ready for a committed relationship. i'm sorry, but this isn't at all how our relationship was. we were completely in love & he purposed to me after 9 months of dating. no one was surprised though! we had an awesome relationship! everything was always fun & easy going for us! we had a blast right from the start!
Those things are as real as the strong feelings and emotions you feel that have kept you in this relationship. Use the issues and challenges you have had together as a guide or a reminder of what has and is still keeping you two apart now.Write down what your needs are and what you feel "needs to change" in the relationship overall. Remember your value! Your self-worth can take a "Big Time" beating from betrayal.List some of your best personal qualities. And once you start doing this, I think you're going to be strangely surprised at what starts to happen for you...
SO In other words he didn't keep his promise, and you're fully aware he hasn't and now you are feeling resentful and angry at yourself for putting up with it? hit the nail on the head there!
Take some time to think about this, and then compare that to what will honestly make YOU happy,and what kind of relationship you expect in your future. The truth is that you're just keeping this situation alive by pumping your time and attention into it.If instead, you step back and stop chasing him or trying to convince him he "should want to spend more time with you",you'll have an opportunity to do something that can honestly be attractive to him-You first leave a space that he'll not recognize and not understand, which will first get him thinking about you and then wondering why you aren't acting the way you used to.Men love "new" things and curiosities.Plus, you'll also be able to give him the space he's been asking you for in his emotionally-retarded,(ha, ha) unavailable "man-speak."The bottom line is men never feel attraction for women that they can control.The more control a man has over you, the less ATTRACTION he feels for you.The less of a challenge you are - and the more predictable you become - the less attraction he feels. It's very simple.To put it another way; if you're the type of woman who lets her emotions "TAKE OVER", then you need to learn how to "own" them and improve on the way you communicate.
this really hits home for me! this is what i am going to try to do! i am now taking one evening a week where he has to be responsible for everything (homework, baths, bedtime, etc.) i have never done this before because i always loved being a mom & saw no reason to be away but i realize i need to do it not only for me to have "me" time but also for him to appreciate me and what i do. i do need to own my emotions too! i am usually too quick to act on them before thinking out how to act on them. this will definitely be a work in progress!
Right now it sounds like your waiting for him to make all the decisions.right again!
Think about what YOU WANT to be happy, and remember all the things your husband has done and said to let you know he's not committed to sharing his love with you.If you give him and yourself some space, a funny thing might happen you won't expect....Your husband won't have the comfort of a woman who wants his affection. He won't know that you're still there waiting for him - and this will trigger thoughts and actions in him that will ultimately help resolve your situation.i'm sorry, but sometimes, this would seem like i am being dishonest & playing a game. i do want my husband to know that i want his affection. we have always had a very physical relationship. we have NEVER had a lack of connection on that level. so i am not sure this applies completely to our situation.
Until then....
For your own well-being, it's important you let him know he can't keep sharing his intimate feelings with you while he's unwilling to make any real changes. i do want real changes but do not want to quit sharing our intimate thoughts.
Best of luck and Stay Strong
LadyInBlue
thanks for such a thoughtful & heartfelt response! while i don't see myself in all of your response, one thing is clear - i need to take some time for me! i will better know myself & will be less focused on him & what he is thinking! thanks for the words of encouragement!
i forgot to add that he also told me he is not happy with himself & how his life has turned out in certain aspects (financially mostly). he said he feels like a f*@# up & that he is disappointed in himself. (we both honestly agree that we love eachother & want nothing more than for things to be better.) i think this speaks volumes for a lot of our problems! i think it goes back to the issue of him running from his problems. he sweeps things under the rug by running & doing all of his activities instead of trying to figure things out. is this a man thing? is it almost like he is self-destructing because he doesn't have respect for himself? help me out here!
you are so right! i decided to be firm this weekend & told him exactly what i needed from him....
Good for you! but now you need to consolidate this. I hate to say this, but it's like handling a kid. You need to be firm and consistent. He will test you. He already did - but you won! But he will try again. At least 3 times. After that it should get easier.
However, you can't just railroad him on all fronts - you will cause a nuclear explosion! I notice you mentioned drinking... That is a huge subject all on it's own.
What I would suggest is that you pick ONE thing to work on with him. Take the thing that matters to you the most. When you have got that well under way, you can work your way down the list
is it almost like he is self-destructing because he doesn't have respect for himself? help me out here!
That I can not say, but if he put the energy of his extracurricular activities into business, he would have made a lot of money. This is another example of how he needs saving from himself. As do I sometimes
thanks mt! i am trying with all my might to change my behaviors as well! i do realize that i will never get a different result with the same behavior! also, if i pick the "one" thing to work on & he doesn't do what he says, how do i approach him? i am always so full of emotion & that seems to get him on the defensive. any suggestions?
thanks mt! i am trying with all my might to change my behaviors as well! i do realize that i will never get a different result with the same behavior! also, if i pick the "one" thing to work on & he doesn't do what he says, how do i approach him? i am always so full of emotion & that seems to get him on the defensive. any suggestions?
You have already hinted at the ultimatum, so you simply can't backtrack.
You have already hinted at the ultimatum, so you simply can't backtrack.
not sure what you mean. what i meant was how do i approach him if he screws up my ultimatum. i am not backing down by any means! i just want some advice on how to remind him of the ultimatum when necessary (he tends to pretend like things are fine when he does something he knows will upset me.)
Re: how do you let it go? 
