my H had i guess what you would call an emotional affair. whatever it was, it made me completely doubt our 12 year marriage with 4 children. basically, i want to move on & use this as a catalyst to better our marriage (& so does he) but don't know how. i have days where i'm fine, but then days where the anger & hurt just cloud my thoughts! any advice from those who have worked things out in this situation? it has been 2+ months now. what should i ask of him? help! thanks!
Yes, I've been in your situation (just over a year ago) and we have worked things out. For me, time has been a great healer. Time, coupled with him being open with me and earning back my trust.
I did do an assessment of our marriage and where things were at the time and as expected, there were several things that needed work (from both of us) in order to strengthen our marriage. As crazy as life with kids and both of us working full-time can be, we made the choice to put our marriage first and one of the first things we did was start having a date night once a week. We both found that we really do enjoy spending time together and have fun when we are out. It also gives us uninterrupted time to talk and listen to each other. I can look back at our marriage at that time and honestly forgive him for the EA because I played a big role in where our marriage was at. Not that I'm saying it was OK within our marriage, but a mistake I am able to forgive.
I still have my days where I have these bad thoughts and insecurities, but they are few and far between now. I also did a lot to start taking care of myself (vs running myself ragged with work and kids) and the family has so far survived my 'me time' and I'm a better wife and mother for it.
Don't expect to feel great over night. It can take time. Is your husband patient/understanding or do you feel you need to bottle up your feelings? I know it's the last thing he probably wants to discuss, but the more I was able to work through my concerns by talking to him, the faster the healing was & I made sure to tell him that I understood these conversations were difficult for him and it certainly wasn't to punish him or back him into a corner, but so that I could have faith that I understood what the problems were and that we were addressing them.
bad thoughts and insecurities...we'll see a lot of that 'round these parts...my i humbly suggest the book "ten days to self esteem" by burns. a valuable tool i learned is to "put a lie" to your bad thought and it'll get you through the rough spots.
the other theme i see a lot of is "time." let me be witness to the notion that time is a great healer. if i have one great blessing through my trials & tribulations, it's the patience i've gained from contact with my friends on this board. swedish, draconis, amplexor, justean (this is why you should write down your credits when accepting the oscar. you'll forget someone!) anyway, the point is we won't get weighed down with a lot of psychological gobbledy-gook, but there's plenty of real world support here. my marriage being tenuously held together rather than me blowing it up (figuratively) is witness to that.
bad thoughts & insecurities cured by good ol' fashioned real world support plus the great healer "time," if you're willing to accept 'em all, we'll all meet on the other side of this emotional wall in a much happier state of mind.
ps-bluebutterfly, 12 years is way too long to give up on. please seek out whatever assistance is necessary. the alternative is much to easy in this country.
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separated, honoring wife daily with AA, counseling, she deserves the best me i can give her.
I think it is wonderful that he wants to work on the marriage. I would suggest talking with a counselor together and separately. Be patient. It takes time to heal. Recovery is not a quick process. In addition he has to prove that he can be trusted. Open and effective communication is the best. The following are 5 things that helped my marriage and may help you too:
1. We compete to make each other happy. This means we do everything we can to fulfill the other person's needs even if it means scarificing our own. I find when we ignore the wants and needs of each other is when we get into fights.
2. Verbally and physically be affectionate with each other. Everyday we say or do something that shows the other person how much we love them. This helps keep happy spirits in our home and marriage.
3. We read books and attend workshops were we learn new ways to keep that hotness going. We learned incorporating new ideas keeps the marriage alive and happy.
4. Taking a break from one another when we are not happy with what the other person has done or said. We learned from trial and error that talking to each other while angry feelings are rising is not the best time to talk.
5. Doing something fun with each other. There was a time we found ourselves drifting apart. We put other things first. We noticed by putting other things first we were taking each other for granted. Now we spend once a week doing something fun.
thanks for the reply! i sure hope time can help heal me but it's been 2 1/2 months & i don't think i feel much better about it except for not having that "fight or flight" feeling anymore. i just hope it's not too much time because i feel like i am losing it some days with 4 kids, our own business, financial stress, etc.
anyway, we both say we want to put our marriage first but i'm not sure he really knows what to do in order to do that. he's a very big talker when it comes to our marriage but usually does not show much in the action department. i know our marriage was certainly not perfect before this all happened but i never expected this. anyone that knows us would be shocked!
the date night thing is great! actually, a few years ago, before we had our 4th child, we did a date night every other weekend. it was great! we did not do anything fantastic. it was just a matter of being together & being us! now that our baby is 1 year old, we have to get back to that. thanks for that suggestion! it's amazing how easily you drift apart & forget things when life gets in the way. i'm going to start with this friday!
i sure could use the "me" time too! i guess i just don't know what to do! any ideas? we live in a very rural area so it's hard to come up with ideas (i know, excuses, excuses!). our house is already a mess so i'm not too worried about the family being without me for a bit of time. i just need to actually make a plan & stick to it!
the worst part is probably the insecurity i feel now. i was always totally secure about myself & this made my world come crashing down! i'm devastated. when i think of the whole picture, i do see us in a better place in the future but i just wish i could get these thoughts out of my head. they just pop in there for no apparent reason & ruin my whole outlook.
yes, my husband is understanding & very apologetic. he says we can talk any time about anything. so, when i feel that anxious feeling, he's great about listening to me & letting me get mad. he does not get mad back, he just listens. i think he worries that he screwed up our lives & me in a way that he can never take back. the problem for me is that i want to be proactive & work on things & make big changes. i guess i don't know how to. i know i need to take one step at a time but it's just hard when you are so out of a comfort zone! thanks for all of your advice. it is greatly appreciated! i will keep you posted!
I am so glad to hear he is being understanding of your feelings and willing to listen when you need to talk. That was huge for me because I was able to then say to myself we both love each other and want the same thing--a strong marriage. In the first several months, my moods and mind were all over the place, but now I feel more happy and at peace than I have ever been, so hang in there!
As for 'me' time, I just started doing things I like...joined the gym (that we do together cuz he's always worked out) got my hair done...bought some new clothes...manicures/pedicures...things that help in the self-confidence building Dinner out w/my high school friends, decorating our home & also planning some fun outings together (comedy club, sporting events, local fests, etc.) Nothing over the top because really what makes me most happy is being a wife and mom, I just needed to regain a little bit of myself in the process.
yes, he is understanding but i sometimes fear that i am beating the whole thing to death. he doesn't give me that impression but i wonder if i just need to decide that it's ok to move on & let go. i guess it's difficult to figure out when i'm ready to do that.
thanks for the "me" time ideas too. i do go once a month with my highschool girlfriends to dinner or we just eat at one of our houses. i live for those nights! i would love to put time into decorating our home but it seems it's always a struggle just to get it into "decorating" shape. you can't decorate a mess. i don't mean to make it sound like we're slobs but we certainly aren't very organized!
i am also most happy being a wife & mom too! i always figured the rest kind of falls in place. that's why this has hurt me to the core! maybe finding myself would be the best thing for me & him!
yes, he is understanding but i sometimes fear that i am beating the whole thing to death. he doesn't give me that impression but i wonder if i just need to decide that it's ok to move on & let go. i guess it's difficult to figure out when i'm ready to do that.
I could have written that...in fact, I'm pretty sure I did already somewhere in this forum
For me, when the thoughts went from daily to a few times a week or less, that's when I decided I am just going to stop asking questions and start living for what we have now. I give my husband credit for being patient and understanding allowing me to heal at my own pace and at some point it just made more sense to me to let it go where I could tell myself "just get over it". I don't know when that time will come for you but for me it was about 6 months after the EA.
thanks for the words of encouragement! i do need to figure a way to "put a lie" to my to my bad thoughts! hope i can figure that one out! also, you are so right about how great this message board is! it took me some courage to actually write some of my own personal story (even posted it once & removed the post). i am not at all sorry i did because what happened between my husband & i is not known to any of my family. they know things are strained but do not know the extent of what has happened. they just think it's the usual! this makes everyday life very hard for me because i am usually like an open book. i am a "what you see is what you get" kind of person. i wear my heart on my sleeve & it is usually very obvious if i'm not myself. i'm sick of not being me! i guess maybe it's time to stop being the victim & take a proactive role!
ps-12 years & a family with 4 kids is certainly way too much to just throw it away. i owe to myself, him & the kids to do some serious soul searching before i would ever do that! divorce is not on my mind at all at this point. i actually think that would be harder! we just have too much together! not to mention the fact that i love him to death & he can still make me get those butterflies! (he also makes me crazy too!) most importantly, i know my husband has never stopped loving me. we just have some major overhauling to do. question is - how do i get him to see what it is that he needs to do? he's a talker but not super vocal about "feelings". i guess that's sorta how we ended up here in the first place.
thanks again for your reply! any further advice is greatly appreciated!
i love your five suggestions! #1 may actually work for my husband. he is super competitive! maybe we can turn our marriage into a sport!? #2 we are verbally & physically affectionate already but i think our problem is that we tend to let too much negativity take over at times! #3 we could use some attention & focus on keeping thing alive & hot. don't get me wrong, we have no problem in the intimacy area but we are always open to changing things up in order to look forward to our fun! #4 is definitely one that we both need to learn from! in particular, i could use the most attention to this. i guess i always reacted so quickly because i would never know when my husband would be home next to talk to! no more excuses! i will just have to wait for the right moment! #5 is where my husband should focus his attention! he has so many other things that take priority to not only me but to the children as well! some things are community oriented while others are just for fun. this is where a ton of my frustration comes from in our marriage. he's never home, blah, blah, blah! i keep complaining & he keeps adding more stuff - probably to avoid my complaining. neither of us end up being happy. i resent him for not being home & he resents me for not creating peace at home. it's a lose-lose situation. this has to change!
thanks so much for your reply! everyone on this forum has been just wonderful. it really & truly helps just to hear that other people have gone through similar things & have made it work!
i guess that's almost where i'm at with it. i guess i just wanted to see more action on my husband's part like suggesting we plan for a babysitter to go out. maybe i need to just quit moping & make things happen for myself. i guess me having certain expectations in our marriage have led to enough disappointment & hurt that i need to forget about what i want him to do & do what i need to do. thanks again. it seems my feelings have paralleled yours in so many ways & it's nice to have them validated because some days i feel so absolutely crazy & sad, almost like grieving.
butterfly,
put a lie to and emotional affair...your fear/insecurity might be "he wants to be there, not here," right? put a lie to that by telling yourself "he IS here, not there" and that should help you over the hump...by the way, you say:
>>>it's been 2 1/2 months & i don't think i feel much better about it<<<
2 1/2 months is not much time at all...be prepared to allow much more time to pass. healing does take time...
God will bless you with patience, my prayers are with you...good luck.
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separated, honoring wife daily with AA, counseling, she deserves the best me i can give her.
i guess that's almost where i'm at with it. i guess i just wanted to see more action on my husband's part like suggesting we plan for a babysitter to go out. maybe i need to just quit moping & make things happen for myself. i guess me having certain expectations in our marriage have led to enough disappointment & hurt that i need to forget about what i want him to do & do what i need to do. thanks again. it seems my feelings have paralleled yours in so many ways & it's nice to have them validated because some days i feel so absolutely crazy & sad, almost like grieving.
Here's my thought...You've said your husband has been understanding, wants to work on your marriage to make it stronger so even if he hasn't been one to take active steps in the past, now would be the perfect time to talk about that...I really think the last thing you should do is forget about what you want...tell him what you want...he doesn't want you feeling bad and for you to push down those feelings isn't the right way to go about it...you deserve everything you want in your marriage, but it does take work, patience and communication to get there...what about saying 'one thing that would make me feel like you are putting our marriage first would be for you to plan some dates for us...not all the time but maybe we could take turns each week?' You don't have to come off as a complainer...there is nothing wrong with telling him what you need to feel happy within your marriage...it will make it stronger!
trust me, i am trying with all of my might to put a lie to my thoughts. i really don't even think he likes himselft very much right now. that's not making things any easier! it's honestly very weird! we do have a good relationship which is why i have such a hard time understanding all of it. does there come a time when you quit wondering why & just decide to move on? i must admit that this week has been much better since we had another heart to heart on sunday. also, we may have had a breakthrough last night! he actually talked about his feelings about himselft & how he feels about his life. this isn't something he usually does so i think it's a step in the right direction! i think he usually fills his life up with a bunch of stuff to cover up problems/issues he needs to deal with.
as far as the time, i guess i'm just being hard on myself because i would love to just close this chapter of my life & never look back, but i realize it's not that easy.
thanks you so much praying for patience for me! God knows i truly need more than ever!
i did set up a date for this weekend & planned for a babysitter. i have in the past said i need him to plan more, etc. but i suppose i am so tired of disappointment with him that i feel i would just be setting myself up. that's why i figured i'd just take action on my own. you see, in the past, he was always disappointing me by not showing up to do things on time, staying somewhere much longer than he thought he'd be, etc. while i sat at home on the weekends by myself. i will not do that or go through that ever again. i was super lonely!!! i told him the other day that we were going on a date this weekend & gave him the details. i said i was making him go at least every other weekend. that's what we used to do (for about a year) before our last child who is now 1 year.
you have to understand that my husband says he wants to work on the marriage & i truly believe that he wants things to be better than before. i just don't see so far any actions, other than a card i got from him. am i expecting too much? he is a super busy guy involved in so many different things from coaching, community stuff, extracuricular activities, etc. & i know that hunting season is almost here. he is an avid hunter. i think he just doesn't want to disappoint me by saying he will do this or that & if something doesn't work out, he's afraid he would diappoint me once again. i just wish he would be more vocal about what he is thinking. we did have a great talk last night though just about him & how he feels about himself. i just listened & tried to be nonjudgemental.
all in all, i think we are both having to retrain ourselves on how we react to one another. we are finding that neither of us realize how short we always are & how quick we are to jump all over the other for little things. i suppose that's what years of stress does! right now, we are certainly a work in progress & i'm moving towards forgiveness. i haven't told him that i forgive him yet. i'm just not quite ready!
how do you let it go?
help! thanks!
Dinner out w/my high school friends, decorating our home & also planning some fun outings together (comedy club, sporting events, local fests, etc.) Nothing over the top because really what makes me most happy is being a wife and mom, I just needed to regain a little bit of myself in the process.
