Wife texting male co-worker daily for the past month or so
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Old 03-17-2011, 02:05 PM   #1 (permalink)
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Default Wife texting male co-worker daily for the past month or so

I came to this forum looking for some guidance so please bear with me. About a month or so ago it seems my wife began exchanging text messages with a younger male co-worker of hers. My wife is in a management role at her work and this guy is not but works in a different department. The reason I first found the texting is I was looking at our cell phone bill online and noticed about a dozen or so text messages being sent to an area code outside of our own and any of people we knew. When I asked her about it she said it was a guy at work who was interested in moving into her department and he wanted to ask her some questions about it. I didn't think much of it but I noticed this week on our latest bill that they have continued texting on an almost daily basis. Some of the texts were on the weekend around midnight or 1am.

I feel extremely frazzled at the moment and don't know how to approach this. I know this cannot be work related. My wife and I are both in our late 20's, have been married for 5 years and have two kids, a house and a seemingly good life. He is a single guy in his mid-20's that I have met on one occasion. I don't like the feeling I have.

I thought I might be overreacting but after looking at a large nunber of threads on this site it sounds like this is how alot of affairs (emotional and physical) started.

What would be the appropriate way to handle this? I honestly want to tell her I don't want her to text this guy anymore.
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Old 03-17-2011, 02:14 PM   #2 (permalink)
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Default Re: Wife texting male co-worker daily for the past month or so

Your wife is engaged on an emotional affair,there is a plan to follow. Tonight confront her advise her you know she is in an affair, she stops now and ceases all contact in and out of work. She will say she is not , she will lie, she will deny, she will say they are working together, she is following a script . Do NOT doubt yourself. Affair persons have the ability to convince you there is no affair and you as the betrayed spouse will want to trust her. Trust your instinct.


Unless you are able to obtain copies of the text messages she will continue to deny this , be calm , resolute , no anger and especial no fear . Your only comment is she is in an affair and she has to cease all contact with immediate effect. Walk away and do not say anything else. Your behaviour must be such that she is worried what you are going to do.

Never disclose your next steps and learn to keep quiet , smile , your very action should cause her discomfort.

In the interim you obtain and secure his number, find out if he is has a girlfriend , who his parents and friends are. This one is a challenge obtain her company email list with as many of her and his co-workers names and email addresses .

If you have the constitution call him and ensure he know you know he is in an inappropriate relationship with your wife, make it clear you will fight for your marriage and will do everything to protect your wife and family be it at his work or on his private life, do not debate close the call and say bye.

It is easy to falter and look for reasons to believe this is innocent, dispel that theory now.
Post regularly and we will guide you through.
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Last edited by Eli-Zor; 03-17-2011 at 02:26 PM.
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Old 03-17-2011, 02:29 PM   #3 (permalink)
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Default Re: Wife texting male co-worker daily for the past month or so

I have had a very similar experience to what you have described. The only difference being that it was my gf and she was not only "sexting" with a co-worker but sending him naked pics of herself.

It is an emotional affair, pure and simple and there is no denying it. I agree with the previous poster, you tell her it ends now, no more contact with this guy at all! She needs a bottom line.

Secondly, you want to move toward complete transparency. That means cell phones, Facebook accounts are open to either spouse. Does she have a Facebook page? I almost guarantee that this guy is a "friend" of hers on there.

Hang in there. Hopefully you have caught this before it went any further than texting or "sexting". You will be hurt when the truth comes out but at least you will stop wondering what is truly going on.
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Old 03-17-2011, 02:30 PM   #4 (permalink)
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Default Re: Wife texting male co-worker daily for the past month or so

Thanks. I am still in a bit of a state of disbelief. I am glad I found this site and will try to post regularly as much as possible.
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Old 03-17-2011, 02:33 PM   #5 (permalink)
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Default Re: Wife texting male co-worker daily for the past month or so

Tell the the communication wth him stops TODAY.

Tell her if it doesn't, you will not be around as a husband and will take action to protect yourself and your kids since right now she is not showing their best intersests.

GET HARDCORE PROOF. It sounds like an affair for sure.
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Old 03-17-2011, 02:52 PM   #6 (permalink)
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Default Re: Wife texting male co-worker daily for the past month or so

I'd be curious as to whether the late night texts are back and forth or just from him.

If they are just from him and the texts in general are not several each day (you mentioned "almost on a daily basis" and a dozen on a one-month phone bill), I think you do more harm than good by jumping to the conclusion that something is going on. My son texts me in the middle of the night. Younger people have strange sleeping habits.

If she is responding in the middle of the night, then I think you have the right to question it.
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Old 03-17-2011, 03:08 PM   #7 (permalink)
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Default Re: Wife texting male co-worker daily for the past month or so

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Originally Posted by Married&Confused View Post
I'd be curious as to whether the late night texts are back and forth or just from him.

If they are just from him and the texts in general are not several each day (you mentioned "almost on a daily basis" and a dozen on a one-month phone bill), I think you do more harm than good by jumping to the conclusion that something is going on. My son texts me in the middle of the night. Younger people have strange sleeping habits.

If she is responding in the middle of the night, then I think you have the right to question it.
Sorry if it was a bit confusing. Our cell phone bill cycles in the middle of the month, so the dozen or so messages were from about the beginning of February to mid-February. That was when I brought it up initially just out of curiosity.

But between mid-February and this week, the texts have been almost daily. There have been afternoons where they exchange 10-15 texts back and forth. There has not been more than a day or two without at least one exchange of texts. The ones at found after midnight were back and forth not just from him.

I actually exported our bill into a spreadsheet and summed her texts by number. The only person she texted more last month than this guy was me. She has texted him more than her mom and her best girl friends, who she texts alot.
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Old 03-17-2011, 03:40 PM   #8 (permalink)
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Default Re: Wife texting male co-worker daily for the past month or so

Trust your gut.

Your route is as follows:

Confront her first and then follow Plan A.



Quote:
The Carrot and the Stick of Plan A

The carrot of Plan A

Meeting your wandering spouse's emotional needs.

Making "home" a warm and inviting place to be.

Placing emphasis on what has worked in the marriage.

Showing consistent self improvement in areas where previously lacking.

Stop lovebusting behaviors.

Communicating with a calm reassuring voice and relaxed body language, even in the center of a verbal storm created by the infidel.

Becoming the person any reasonable spouse would want to come home to.

Remaining open to the possibility of recovery.

Offering forgiveness and understanding.


The stick of Plan A

Exposing adultery where it matters most. Exposure that takes the form of a swift and sudden unexpected tsunami of truth.

Not apologizing for exposure or speaking the truth in a kind yet direct way.

Directly communicating the hurt and devastation that the affair has caused.

Not accepting blame for the infidel's choice to become adulterous.

Let the consequences of adultery and infidelity fall freely upon the heads of the adulterous.

Establishing boundaries that disallow the affair to effect children of the marriage, financial security of the marriage, and otherwise ruin innocent bystanders.

Standing up to infidelity for the good of the family.

Your next step in plan A is to expose after you have confronted, it will help you immensely if you can get hard evidence, a voice recording, copies of emails or the text messages.

Load a keylogger on your home PC, get a VAR look up flexispy for mobile phones.

Catch Cheating Spouses with FlexiSPY - Spy Phone, GPS Tracker, Location Tracking, Remote Listening for Mobile / Cell Phones


Follow plan A as well as you can and do not let your guard down. Never tell her or let her know what you are doing.

Call her mother and let her know her daughter is in an EA , definition below:

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Emotional_affair
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Old 03-17-2011, 05:01 PM   #9 (permalink)
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Default Re: Wife texting male co-worker daily for the past month or so

THink of this as the "check engine" light being turned on. You are concerned about your marriagel, what is wrong with that? When we get married, we become one, so you have a right to ask and inquire as to the nature of these texts. Look at the picture messeges data. any sent or receieved? That would indicate more.

Express your concern. Show up to take her to lunch a few times and check out the situation. There are a lot of ways to investigate this without being overbearing.

If the texts suddenly stopped, look for a pre-paid phone, but do not get obsessive.

If you want to be more assertive here... say so. There are ways to do that. I am not going to jump to "Affair" but if you ask to look at some emails or check her phone for your peace of mind and she denies you that.. then she is hiding something. Privacy is different than secrecy and secrecy has no place in a marriage. Two become one... the end.
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Old 03-17-2011, 05:33 PM   #10 (permalink)
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Default Re: Wife texting male co-worker daily for the past month or so

A few other points. If the phone account is in your, or both of your names like a joint account, you can get copies of the texts from the service provider. IF it is her work phone, then not likely. Also, as was aluded to before, chances are it is also online. There are a variety of keyloggers that are reasonably priced. I would suggest you find one and get a week or more of evidence before you confront her.

Once you do, with evidence in hand, she will lay the blame for the situation, entirely on you so be prepared for that. It is part of the "script" you will hear about and there are many posts here describing the script and such so a little browsing may help.

Good luck, I know it sucks but it is not without a chance to redeem.

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Old 03-17-2011, 05:46 PM   #11 (permalink)
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Default Re: Wife texting male co-worker daily for the past month or so

Quote:
Originally Posted by twotimeloser View Post
Privacy is different than secrecy and secrecy has no place in a marriage. Two become one... the end.
This is so true, keep in mind, she can delete specific things from her phone, as my husband did. Tread carefully my friend.

Last edited by paramore; 03-24-2011 at 08:29 AM.
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Old 03-18-2011, 06:45 AM   #12 (permalink)
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Default Re: Wife texting male co-worker daily for the past month or so

It is not appropriate him to be texting her at midnight, nor is it appropriate for a married women to text a single guy at this hour, PERIOD. I can think of no excuse that she could give you that this guy would need to text her in the middle of the night that is work related. You need to tell her that you think that this guy has more that work related issues on his mind when he is texting you. You also need to tell her that she needs to stop all contact with him because of this.

If it were me, I would tell her this then I would drop it and secretly (at least for a while) watch her by installing keylogger on my computer, trying to get copies of the texts that were sent, and also monitor if she still continues to keep in contact with him. If she also steps out for a "girls night out" or is not a work at lunch, or anything out of what you would consider "normal activity", I would either hire a PI, or have a friend follow her and she what she is up to.

I think you are absolutely right to believe something is up. If it is not already, then it will be very shortly. Most married men I know would never put up with their wives texting single men on a regular basis, let alone in the middle of the night.
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Old 03-18-2011, 07:11 AM   #13 (permalink)
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Default Re: Wife texting male co-worker daily for the past month or so

I forgot to mention that just from the sheer number of texts that have been sent back and forth, this has gone beyond work related and at the VERY LEAST has developed into a friendship. She cannot deny this, and if you tell her that you feel uncomfortable with this relationship, she should respect your wishes as her husband, and stop all contact with him. This is most definitely a reasonable request to make
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Old 03-18-2011, 07:41 AM   #14 (permalink)
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Default Re: Wife texting male co-worker daily for the past month or so

This is what happened with my husband & a married woman where he works. They work very closely together so I never questioned the need for them to communicate. They got bolder & bolder as time went on (about 3 months) & it turned into a PA.
You need to put the kibosh on this NOW.
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Old 03-18-2011, 08:15 AM   #15 (permalink)
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Default Re: Wife texting male co-worker daily for the past month or so

Take it from a guy who had this happen to, only to find out that the two of them were knee-deep in an affair. I was the poster child of how NOT to handle a situation like this. Do not DO NOT allow this to continue because it will (not might but WILL) lead to a PA. Simply bring it up in passing and install a keylogger when you get the first chance. If there is a laptop in your house, odds are good that she used that to communicate to him as well. She might have used a FB, MySpace, Yahoo, or Hotmail account; the keylogger will get you all of her passwords, so you can see wray she's been hiding behind your back. And if your name is on the cellphone account, get the text records. Whatever you do, if you find some inappropriate stuff, make hard copies in case she denies everything and starts purging her texts and e-mails. At that point, you might have to get an attorney involved.

Hate to agree with the rest but when something like this is found out, there are normally layers of other stuff that you later find out about. Just prepare and protect yourself...
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