firefly180

So while my husband was deployed this last time I had an affair with a mutual friend, there wasn't any felings involved and when my husbnd got home it ended. We have both moved away and there is no way he could find out. The guilt is killing me , it's been over a year since it ended and our marriage is doing ok. I feel like I have to tell him, but I'm scared it will be over. We have been married for 8 yrs, dealt with 3 deployments, and have 3 kids. Our families are super close since we've all known eachother for around 20 years. Also I've had a one night stand if you will that I've told him about and he forgave me . My mother knows and tells me I shouldn't tell that the guilt is God's way of punishing me, I just fell like he should know. I need some advice please

friendly

I believe most ppl would advice you to tell your husband.
But, if I were you, I would have thought about it carefully before I decided to have an affair, and I won't regret what I have done and I won't let it affect my family; however, I will also be responsible to whatever consequence that goes with cheating. Tell or not to tell, it depends on what points are you looking for?
Can it make your marriage stronger or only send your marriage to hell?
Or just to relieve your guilt?
Or you wish your husband to forgive you?
I feel you should think twice before you jump.

firefly180

I think it's tad too late for that don't you?

friendly

So are you going to tell him that you cheated on him?
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justbe

yes too late ... but first think about every plan you are going to make... what would be the outcome when you tell him and when you do not tell him. be firm with your mind of what should you do. and make sure that you will be ready for the action you are going to do to prevent unpredictable outcome.which one will you choose? honesty or hiding secret for comfortable future.every WW has their own outcome when they did tell their affair, the situation will be vary. all you have to do is trying to find what outcome will you have on both option. good luck WW

firefly180

@friendly when I answered your post it only had the first part on it......I have no idea, I don't want my marriage to end , but I also dont' think I can harbor this guilt for much longer. Everyday I think about it like I can't move on and If I tell him then we can both work to move forward. I just feel stuck . I feel like I'm living a lie that he deserves to know the real me.

Lazarus

Either live with the punishment or come clean? That's your decision and it is a difficult decision because of your husband's job..

You husband who is presumably out fighting for his country and providing for his family returns home safely because he looks after himself. Meanwhile you have put his life at risk when he comes home due to the very real risk of AIDS and sexually transmitted diseases because of your affair. Your husband has a right to know about his wife's duplicitous life and lies so that he can assess what dangers he has been exposed to. BUT, the very real problem you have here as I see it is deciding on the timing of the exposure and if your husband is about to go on another deployment. The emotional bomb that you are about to drop on your husband will create terrible turmoil, pain and devastation which could put his life in real danger if he is not concentrating on the field or task at hand because he is likely to be grieving the loss of his marriage pre disclosure.

I would give serious consideration as to where he is likely to be working and if it is in a danger zone be careful so that you do not endanger his life because his concentration will most definitely be affected.

You should get checked out for sexually transmitted diseases and perhaps speak to a counselling service within his unit, navy or whatever to discuss the situation in confidence so that your children's father does not come home in a box simply because you wanted to clear your guilt.

If he is likely to be at a desk job and out of harms way, it would be a good time to have a full and frank discussion and explain why you strayed.

You should read this link below because it is a true reflection of what happens to a loyal spouse who has to deal with the terrible pain of betrayal by someone they totally trusted.

SurvivingInfidelity.com - Support for those affected by Infidelity

Good luck but you will have to work very hard to save your marriage and be prepared to witness the terrible pain and turmoil that lasts for years, not months. It's a rollercoaster of terrible emotional pain.




Thread: Should I confess to an affair Reply to Thread

just40bp

Live with your mistake. He does not need to know that you screwed up. My wife confessed to me after 14 great years togeather that she had many affairs. I had no idea and she was finished with every thing but the guilt. You don't need to hurt him because he did nothing wrong. Forgive yourself, forget what you did and finish living a happy marriage with your man, reconnect with him and enjoy life. Don't destroy it.

friendly

I agree with other ppl's comments and I also agree with you that your husband has a right to know.
Maybe you can make up to him, by being a faithful, fun loving, sexy, caring, polite, friendly wife, and a great mother who takes good care of the house where it's clean and tidy with delicious 3 meals waiting for the husband and kids.
You can correct your mistakes by improving yourself to be the wife that he deserves.
When he notices your many good sides and your hard work being his faithful wife from now on, and you show him that you're so wonderful a wife. Hopefully, in this case, you might have a lower risk of breaking your family.
Then, you find a good timing when he's in a good mood to confess to him.
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friendly

Did you forgive your wife?
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michzz

You've already destroyed your marriage by having multiple affairs and now your only motivation in telling him is to relieve your guilt?

It seems as though it is all about you all the time.

I believe every person should have the privilege of living in the truth of their life.

Your husband deserves that, you deserve that.

If you tell him, make sure do it in a way that is sensitive to that point. Could it end your marriage? Of course!

But it may not.

You need to fix your deceptive behavior regardless.

It will be far better for your husband that he hear of it from you than someone else.

If you think that there is no way he can find out, then you are fooling yourself.

friendly

Btw, the "old you" were not "the real you". I can feel you have a very bright side and the "affair" was a mistake due to loneliness.
Thus, the old you who once made a horrible mistake have been terribly sorry about what happened.
You've corrected your mistake and you haven't cheated ever since. So this is the real faithful side of you. Nevertheless, think about it carefully and good luck!

firefly180

Thanks for the advice...he is not deploying anytime soon .

just40bp

To op and friendly. Did I forgive my wife? Yes. Did she cheat again? Yes. Do I wish I had never known? Yes. Have I forgotten the betrayel. No. Do I trust her? No. How will he answer these questions? I have gone through every emotion there is and still have the same resolve. Why do you continue to hurt the one's you say you truely love? Foresaking all others until death do you part. Is that death of Life or Marriage? Go figure.

Jellybeans

I am in the camp that you should tell him. The reason I think that is because:
a. he has a right to know and
b. your entire marriage's dynamic is based on the lie--That lie being that you are lying to him each day he doesn't know what you've done.
Definitely get tested for STDs if you haven't already. Don't put him at risk for anything.
Believe me--it will be 20x worse if he finds out on his own. Like the worst ever. These things have a way of coming out when you least expect it. Who is the OM? Did you cut off all contact?