Wife had an emotional affair on Facebook
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Coping with Infidelity Relationship recovery from the destructiveness of infidelity.

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Old 03-22-2011, 12:22 AM   #1 (permalink)
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Default Wife had an emotional affair on Facebook

Two week ago, while uploading some software to my wife's phone, with her permission, I came across an email for a man whom I didn't know. I was trying to find a access email for the software, not snooping. I read the email and among other titilating conversations, she had written "you would sleep better next to me". My mind went blank, and I confronted her. In an effort to remain civil, she, while putting the kids to bed, deleted that and one other email. I continued to confront her and seek details about this person. After several hours and excuses, the truth came out. She had made contact with this person through Facebook. She dated him in high school for a short time and that was it. This all started rather harmessly, but intensified over the last 9 months. I demaded that she forward me all emails on her work computer that involved this affair. She did. However the two original emails are missing or deleted. Upon review of said emails, I learned that the affair was increasing in emotion and perhaps intent. She stated that she "thinks of him all the time" even one email stated that " trying to contact you while my husband is in the restroom". We were out having a few drinks. He lived out of town, so much of the conversations were when he was going to be close and how she wanted to meet him. We have been married nearly 17 years, two great kids and all you can ask.
For longer than I care to mention, I have been seeking greater passion & desire from her. I have talked to her over the years about this with little effort, or long term changes. This usually ends up in an argument, hurt feelings and resentment.
She explained to me that this affair was because she wanted to talk to someone who did fight with her all the time. She said it was exciting and unfinished business. However, now she is very sorry and realizes that this may be the end of our marrige. She is willing to do whatever it takes to save our marriage. I explained the arguments were a result of her choosing not to change with the our maturing marriage. The things she seeked from someone else, was the exact same as I was trying to develop in our relationship.
Now, I am hurt to my core. I am questioning the very basis of our relationship. I am looking at the past 17 years and wondering. I love my children, and I love my wife. All I am is for them. This shakes the very foundation of my being. I cannot seem to get any of this out of my head.
How do I move on? What is the first step? or Second Step.
I just am so confused as to what to do next.
Any thoughts.
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Old 03-22-2011, 07:33 AM   #2 (permalink)
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Default Re: Wife had an emotional affair on Facebook

If you both want to save your marriage, I would suggest seeking some marriage counseling. Its not going to be easy, nor will it happen overnight. There are also some books out there on how to recover from an affair. I'm not sure of the names, but I'm sure there are others on here that can recommend some books.
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Old 03-22-2011, 08:30 AM   #3 (permalink)
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Default Re: Wife had an emotional affair on Facebook

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Originally Posted by MountainofEmotions View Post
She said it was exciting and unfinished business. However, now she is very sorry and realizes that this may be the end of our marrige. She is willing to do whatever it takes to save our marriage.
This is awesome. I know it hurts and you are feeling insecure and questioning the entire relationshp but what you wrote above is the silver lining. That means she is still willing to work it out with you.

First, she must end ALL CONTACT WITH OM. EVERYTHING must go. She must delete his #, block his email, and delete him off her FB. Tell her if she doesn't, then it's not going to work out between you two. You have to mean it.

Find out if the guy is married or partnered. If so, tell his partner immediately. This will throw a hex on the affair and exposing it makes it "not so fun" anymore when the reality hits and the consequences come out.

Make a plan for your marriage recovery--marriage counselling? individual counselling? relationship seminar? date nights? talk and be totally honest with eachother. You have a riht to be upset and a right to total transparency.

As long as he is in the picture, you cannot save your marriage. Thatis why she must end all contact today.
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Old 03-22-2011, 09:16 AM   #4 (permalink)
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Default Re: Wife had an emotional affair on Facebook

do you have any thought about divorcing her ... ? just want to know
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Old 03-22-2011, 09:36 AM   #5 (permalink)
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Yes....of course. I am trying to figure out if I can make this work. I love her very much. I admire her, professional and personally. She is a great Mom. I am very confused, consumed by the events. It is just awful!!!!! Not sure how I can rebound!
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Old 03-22-2011, 09:45 AM   #6 (permalink)
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Yes....of course. I am trying to figure out if I can make this work. I love her very much. I admire her, professional and personally. She is a great Mom. I am very confused, consumed by the events. It is just awful!!!!! Not sure how I can rebound!
my suggestion is not to divorce if you still love her ... just try to make this work .. and if you find the deadlock, i think this is the time that you have to think about divorce.
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Old 03-22-2011, 10:29 AM   #7 (permalink)
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Default Re: Wife had an emotional affair on Facebook

I am not leaning towards divorce. But at times I can't see around it.
I am still fantastically attacted to her, physically, intellectually, mentally, emotionally (guarded), that I ever have been. I am passionate and very desirous of her. She finds it difficult to show me the same emotions. I have explained this issue tell I am blue in the face, with little long term response or resolution,if any. She says she will do whatever it takes to make this work.
I am still questioning the motivation now, as to what has change from two weeks ago. I don't know.
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Old 03-22-2011, 10:49 AM   #8 (permalink)
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Don't try to "mind-read" her. If she is on board, great. But the contact with OM must end. Now the ball is in your court.
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Old 03-22-2011, 10:52 AM   #9 (permalink)
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Default Re: Wife had an emotional affair on Facebook

Marriage counseling is a way to start!
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Old 03-22-2011, 11:08 AM   #10 (permalink)
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Default Re: Wife had an emotional affair on Facebook

The contact with the OM has ceased. I was cc'd on the email ending the relationship. After serious thought, decided to contact and notify the OM's wife. I am mostly confident no further contact has been made these last two weeks. She has agreed to let me know if he attempts to contact her. I believe she will.
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Old 03-22-2011, 11:10 AM   #11 (permalink)
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What did the OM's wife say? Good for you, btw!
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Old 03-22-2011, 11:50 AM   #12 (permalink)
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Well I made contact via the only option I had......Facebook. She first said, "I don't kwow why you want to be my friend, keep your wife out of my marriage!". I replied, "With all due respect....I am not sure of what was told to you....I just thought you should beware of these disgusting events. From what I read, blame falls squarely on each of their shoulders. You & I are victims. I am trying to pick up the pieces. My life is forever changed. Good luck. No additional response is required."
She then asked me to share any information I had. I relied that it wasn't my intent to smear anyone and that she should get the info. from her husband.
I later learned that she had intercepted an early email between the two, but the trist continued on for about 8 months.
Thoughts?
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Old 03-22-2011, 11:55 AM   #13 (permalink)
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Mountain, I would have shared what you know w/ her. She has a right to know.

Did you find out what was in the email from 8 months ago?

You did a good thing by telling her.
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Old 03-22-2011, 12:08 PM   #14 (permalink)
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I struggle with contacting her and giving addtional information. I mean I am not sure how she will take me contacting her. I haven't pursued the content of that email. From the emails I have read, things started off just one old friend to another. It gained momentum, to sharing marital problems, talk of meeting over coffee or drinks, "give me some notice and I'll work something out" for a meeting, to "thinking about you" to favorite sex positions with his wife, to sleeping next to each other.
I am amazed that this is where my marriage is. How did I get here, and where do I (we) go? I never thought she was this type of person. Thank God I uncovered it when I did. The progression is unmistakable to the final outcome. But that would have made this problem easier to solve.
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Old 03-22-2011, 12:55 PM   #15 (permalink)
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Default Re: Wife had an emotional affair on Facebook

I also have kept the emails forwarded to me from my wife. Should I keep them or delete them? My wife feels they are a source of heartache. I agree, however, it allows me the opportunity to digest all that transpired on my time. I most likely will delete them, at some point, or is there exsistance keeping me from moving forward. Which ever way that is?Thoughts?
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