I am the cheater - Page 2 - Talk About Marriage
Coping with Infidelity Relationship recovery from the destructiveness of infidelity.

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post #16 of 29 (permalink) Old 09-18-2008, 03:42 PM
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Re: I am the cheater

I like giving roses..love the smell of them. Weird, huh?

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post #17 of 29 (permalink) Old 09-18-2008, 04:29 PM
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Re: I am the cheater

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My wife found out and when she confronted me I deneid alot of what happened (ie: the physical contact). It took me nearly another four weeks to officialy break off the affair.
Does your wife know about all the details now? even that it took 4 weeks to break it off? you've got to come totally clean!

It is difficult for her to believe me when I say I do love her, and also fears that it will happen again because I have not given her a satisfactory reason for why I had the affair. I totally know where she is coming from!

I realy enjoyed the false intimacy of the affair, and felt it was lacking in the marriage, but I never went to my wife to discuss it. what is false intimacy? what do you mean by this? is this something that can be fulfilled by someone you are close too?

I know she had wants that were not being met as well and she did not cheat on me. it's a step in the right direction to understand that! now you have to know what you will do to correct it! develop a plan of action.

She feels the need to have me bring up the affair but it is hard to gage the timing to do so. she needs you to do this because if you rely on her, it is on her mind 24/7 right now! she would be bringing it up all the time. just tell her your honest thoughts & how you are feeling from day to day. ie-how you feel, how you feel about what you've done, react to how she seems to be feeling, etc. it may be the same thing from day to day, but at least it shows it is also on your mind. it might not be pleasant, but if you don't talk about it, she will feel totally alone in her thoughts. if she doesn't react as you expect or gives you hell, just take it! she needs to vent! she's probably too embarassed to vent to anyone else!

Also on bridging the issues of trust. I leave all my receipts out, she has all my email information and I let her know where I am. keep it up! you have now changed your life forever. i think this is something you should just get used to.

I know I turned her life upside down but feel I am losing her in the process. unfortunatley, this is the chance you took when you cheated. didn't you know that it would kill her if you did it? that's what hurts the other one the most because we know you did it anyway.

Any ideas or thoughts would be helpful. just don't stumble in your willingness to prove to her that you are 100% committed! it is common sense when it comes down to it! give her time & have tons of patience. she will have good days & bad days. one minute she might be fine & then the next, it could be like a bomb went off! sometimes, we can't help it, but those icky thoughts just seem to creep their way into our minds. good luck!
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post #18 of 29 (permalink) Old 09-18-2008, 05:07 PM
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Re: I am the cheater

I have unfortunately been in your wife's shoes & know where she is coming from. I do think it's good that you are putting thought into how to approach the subject, because the hurt is very raw and real but the longer you hold off speaking to her will risk that any healing she has done will take another blow and at some point will be one too many for her heart to handle.

What she probably needs to hear is:

The issues from your standpoint that made you feel the need to seek someone outside of your marriage...was it sex? lack of attention? lack of appreciation?

Of course, this should be approached delicately and should be prefaced by 'I want to tell you how I was feeling at the time because I'm sorting out for myself why and how this happened, but so you know in advance what I was feeling then was no excuse for what I did. I take full responsibility for that & in no way am trying to push blame.'

Acknowledging that you can put your finger on the state of your marriage at the time will give her a sense that there are things you both can do and will give her a better sense that it will not happen again. Saying 'I don't know' will just make her think if he didn't know then, he won't know the next time he's in that situation. Give her some assurance that the things that were lacking are things you not only intend to work on but that you will communicate with her clearly if you are feeling distanced again at some point.

'I don't know...it was innocent at first...she was just a friend...then, it was like a freight train...once it started I knew it was wrong but didn't know how to stop it'...this might be what you felt, and if it was, you need to think about your boundaries with women going forward and communicate them to your wife. She will appreciate that you are doing something to prevent this from happening again. Maybe for you, the boundaries are that you do not have any personal discussions with women, you do not go to lunch alone with a woman, etc. but in general, a good rule of thumb is to tell her that you will think of her standing right next to you anytime you speak to another woman to ensure your conversations are not inappropriate.

It is very difficult to picture your spouse having an emotional connection with another woman, especially if they know you are married. You have to assume they did not speak kindly of you or the marriage. The feeling of betrayal is unreal and you feel your vows have been negated and that your feelings were not considered by the one person who should consider them the most. The physical images are no better.

How long ago did this happen? Do you still work with the woman? (that will make healing/rebuilding trust much harder for your wife)

If not too much time has passed, my opinion is it would be better to come fully clean with her...I'm sure it's hard to do that when you are initially confronted off-guard and if it took you an additional 4 weeks to break things off, I'm guessing you didn't want to come clean for selfish reasons. If she knows you are speaking from your heart because you want to be totally honest with her she will feel more secure within your marriage. There is always a risk in disclosure, that it will just be too much, but she wants all of you at this point...keeping these secrets will prevent you from giving her that.

You have an opportunity to have a stronger marriage than ever before, but it starts with respecting your wife and wanting to have your closest relationship to be with her.
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post #19 of 29 (permalink) Old 09-19-2008, 10:06 AM
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Re: I am the cheater

My husband told me he doesn't completely know why he did not want to be married or be a dad anymore. He is back to me again. If you can figure out what did it for you then maybe I can understand it too. It just seems to me her flirting swayed him. I think it was lust. Mid life crisis.
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post #20 of 29 (permalink) Old 09-19-2008, 10:15 AM
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Re: I am the cheater

i hear you on that ellie! i don't think i'll ever understand! when do i get to have my mid-life crisis? why is is that some people are just stronger than others?
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post #21 of 29 (permalink) Old 09-19-2008, 10:44 AM
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Re: I am the cheater

He was 44. We had been married 19 years. I have always adored and loved him.
She's had a lot of personal problems. Three marriages, now living with someone. This relationship is bad. He is a tender hearted person. She is called white trash at their workplace, (wonder why). During the whole time the flirting I guess was out of control. People who worked with them noticed. I think the attention went to his head. He was heavy in the past and had lost some weight. He says he was not innocent. But, he did not feel he didn't not want to be married any more until he met her.
He says he was not completely happy with our marriage. I didn't have a clue. He did not talk to me about this.
When she started talking about her problems, he innocently talked about his feelings. That was his big mistake. I think she took full advantage of the opportunity.
I think if people would realize that you can't talk about your problems with anyone but your spouse or a counselor you will not have these problems.
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post #22 of 29 (permalink) Old 09-23-2008, 11:43 AM
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Re: I am the cheater

Hi Samuel, I am where your wife is. I know my wife cheated although she still claims it was just a close no check that really really close friendship with someone at work. She has said all the right things about how sorry she is how much she loves me finally gave me access to all her email and phone records ....after the emails were all cleaned out. she never wants to discuss it peoriod. and when I do ask her questions she gets upset and gives me very general answers. Now let me tell you where I sit I can't believe her. she has not offered one thing about what happened why it happened and what it was all I have is the phone records and let me tell you that was terrifying. It would do so much to build my trust and believing that she has told me the truth if she would come to me and say "I need to tell you everything and get it off my chest" Unfortunately my wife chooses to treat it like it never happened with no explanation just coverups. Don't make that mistake with your wife if you want her to build trust in you you need to tell her the truth and don't sugar coat it and then tell her how terrible you feel your willingness to discuss it will do wonders for her. JUST BE HONEST. the more you hold back the more doubt she will have. I know thats where I am at and it's a tough place to move forward from. I posted on here and got lots of help it's been a wonderful source of support and an opportunity to vent for me.
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post #23 of 29 (permalink) Old 08-27-2015, 09:37 AM
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Re: I am the cheater

Gar888...
I have to agree with you. I have no doubt that I would be able to find an easier way back to my husband if only he would stand up and be a man. He fails to see the importance (I guess) in admitting what he has done. He has no idea of the amount of healing it could have on me if he would open up and tell the truth. He keeps me in a prison and I will never be able to trust him again or be able to relate to him anymore. It is like I am forced to just withdraw and disconnect.
The posts about the man cheating are sad because they hit home with me. My life has been filled with lies and more lies for several years. Way too many years. I am at a crossroads now myself.
I enjoyed your comment that you left for Samuel. It was great advice and I do hope that he takes it.
Blessings......
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post #24 of 29 (permalink) Old 08-27-2015, 09:47 AM
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Re: I am the cheater

Just an FYI, @walkedon22, but this thread is nearly 7 years old.

Virginia: "Why can't you kids leave well enough alone? Everything was fine until you started digging around."

Burt: "You sound like a Scooby Doo villain."
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post #25 of 29 (permalink) Old 08-27-2015, 10:03 AM
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Re: I am the cheater

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Originally Posted by samuel View Post
I definately know that she wants to feel that she is the only women I want to be with. The truth is that is true. Their is no doubt that I was selfish. Regardless of wether it had been a horrible marriage which it was not I had many choices, none of which included going outside the marriage. That was an easy choice and not one I should have made. But I definately have to maker her beleive she is the only women for me.
Your join date and number of posts concerns me. Can you explain this anomaly? DUDE

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post #26 of 29 (permalink) Old 08-27-2015, 10:05 AM
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post #27 of 29 (permalink) Old 08-27-2015, 10:10 PM
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Re: I am the cheater

i am currently suffering under the consequences of my husband's cheating. i don't know what your wife expect from you. i just can tell you what my husband has to do to stop the process of me checking out...because i am about to check out.

i want him to get counseling for his lusting spirit or addiction or whatever made him cheating. i want to see him being "active" to do something so it will NEVER EVER happen again. I don#t trust in going somewhere 2, 3 or 4 times and that it...i want that he take care of HIS issue on long therm. i want to be sure not just believing it. i want him to understand that his lusting and being curious is absolutely wrong and poison for our marriage.

i want him to be transparent like a glass house.

i want him to spend all the time with me

i want honesty and what he (sexually) really wants.

good luck to you!
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post #28 of 29 (permalink) Old 03-26-2017, 03:46 AM
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Cool Re: I am the cheater

You say that you want to become an "open book" for her sake!

Sam ~ in my estimation, you now must become that "open book!" With absolutely no equivocations!

Disclose everything to her, good or bad! It is the only way that you can foster and possibly regain trust with her!

"To love another person is to see the face of God!" - Jean Valjean from Les Miserables

My Story! http://talkaboutmarriage.com/going-t...andonment.html
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post #29 of 29 (permalink) Old 03-26-2017, 08:11 AM
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Re: I am the cheater

Zombie. Closing.

"Our ability to feel joy is directly related to how much pain we are willing to feel." - Mavash.

"The truth is, everyone is going to hurt you. You just got to find the ones worth suffering for." - Bob Marley
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