Hello everyone,
I'm new to this forum, and after a week of searching for answers-I am extremely happy and thankful to have found it.After reading some of the other stories here-its comforting to know I am "not" going crazy...despite having all these crazy mixed feelings.Writing down my feelings or sharing them really helps me. When my feelings are strong they tend to drive my actions, but later when I’ve had more time to reflect I usually regret my behavior. I'm trying very hard not to act on my feelings alone.
My husband and i both like to game, and occasionally its something we enjoy doing together after all the kids are in bed.We have been married for 2 years, but have been together for four years are in our mid thirties.We started playing this online game a few months ago and met other couples and people who we became friends with.I have never had any issues with him speaking to women, i dunno-i just never felt threatened by it.I have male friends who i speak to, but they are mostly "childhood friends" who practically grew up in my house and have all met my husband.I explained to my husband that i grew up with 2 brothers, and a lot of his friends were always at our house.The older we all got-the more they all became like big brothers and overprotective of me.I never dated any of them-ever.I just grew up around a lot of guys so its easy for me to hang out with guys and be like "one of the guys". ya know what i mean? Still my husband has never been comfortable with me talking to guys.I'm a really social person.At parties,i like to see people having fun...so i tend to be loud, and silly.My husband is like my polar opposite, he is really shy..pulls away if i try to get him to dance...and i usually back off and end up grabbing one of the kids instead to dance with.(wow getting way off track here).Anyway, i met some guys in game and started hanging out with them regularly-although not all the time.Since our computers are like 3 feet away from one another-its not like he couldn't look over and "see" we were just playing the game.So he meets this girl in game and tells me he she's really cool and i should "meet" her-maybe we could hang out.I saw this as him trying to control me by suggesting i play with her instead of the guys...so i was hesitant to listen to him.So he starts hanging out with her-except it starts to become very frequent.I started to become a little suspicious and jealous but i ignore it and instead brush my feelings-thinking i was just being insecure.I occasionally went along and hang out with them in the game, and after a while it didn't bother me.I just felt that i should trust him-and allow him to understand where i was coming from when i said that it shouldn't bother him so much that i had guy friends.Okay so she stops playing the game and a few months go by-she comes back and he begins playing with her again.This time its EVERY TIME she is online.He starts to stay up later and later and i start to notice he's doing more "chatting" than playing the actual game with her...
So of course red flags start to go off in my head and my stomach starts to act up whenever i see them playing together.I tell my husband he is talking wayyy too much with this woman and its starting to piss me off.He defends himself by telling me its "nothing" and they are just bull****ting about the kids, and game related stuff.He even reassures me by saying " you could even check my chat box, i have nothing to hide....."Still my stomach never lies...i have always been a very intuitive person so i can "feel" when something is off.But again, i ignored it. A few days later while i was looking for our lawyers #- I remembered it was written on an email i had forwarded to him so i went into his email.Low and behold i find 3 emails he had sent her talking about how he added her to his facebook, and messenger so she could add him too and he missed her and had felt sick but the only thing that made him feel better was thinking of the time they had the night before...which had been "great". I remember that night because i had taken care of him and even gotten up from bed to go get him an icepack for his head.The other one said how "they were going to have to be more careful in game because that was too close of a call" i guess i had almost "caught them" because i happened to be looking at his screen when she had sent him a message about something.....The shock and horror of finding out that my husband has betrayed me by being unfaithful has smashed my world apart. A whole range of feelings have flooded in threatening to overwhelm me, I feel stunned, bewildered, confused, angry, miserable, helpless, despairing, and numb. I've thought about hurting him back or doing something dramatic like walking away.When i confronted him-he came clean ad old me everything.He admitted to exchanging Emails,chatting and playing online games from work,and having cyber sex on one occasion.It was the night i was sleeping over my brother's house babysitting-and i remmember him calling me and telling me he missed me and when i told him i was just gonna spend the night because it had gotten so late....he told how much it "sucked" and how he "hated sleeping without me".... Meanwhile he hangs up with me and starts cybering with this woman?
i don't even know if it was on the phone-or online.I don't even dare ask.....I saw her picture on his facebook and felt worst.She wasn't beautiful or had a great body.Just an average looking older woman.God i hate him so much right now.....
I know these feelings are just the signs of the pain and hurt within me and i know they need to be faced rather than suppressed.His betrayal has cut me very deep. It took a lot of courage for me to commit myself in this marriage. I've had a hard time opening myself up to him, not wanting to risk some of the more tender and more private parts of myself in love. I did share things that i would share with no one else. I allowed myself to be intimate not only physically but emotionally. Feeling betrayed, it seems as if the precious gift of myself has been thrown in the mud and trodden on or worse revealed to someone else. Something has been broken and I wonder if it can ever be fixed....
If it can’t ever be the same again, does that mean it’s the end of the marriage? Part of me thinks it will never work, but I want to find some way forward. How can i learn forgiveness and learn to trust again? One of the first things that I need is to begin the process of forgiving .That involves recognizing that he has hurt me badly, but choosing not to hold it against him and not to exact revenge from him. Forgiveness is a process, because you have to make a decision to forgive, but then you have to live it out, day by day, when the pain and anger come back or the doubts set in.I'll have to keep on facing the pain, find ways to let him know when i am hurting and what i am struggling with, without blaming him for it and try to love him as i had before.It will be a challenge but i am really trying my best here. I have this amazing reserve of love that enables me to forgive, because my love is stronger than the hurt he inflicted.
I think trust lies at the heart of a strong relationship. When trust is lost -we feel betrayed, angry and taken for granted. But what is trust? Trust is when we take as fact some "belief" we have, for which there is only partial evidence. For that very reason there is an element of uncertainty and risk involved. Whoever we are trusting may not always live up to the faith we are putting in them. The way I see trust is as something that is inspired in someone when they are trusted. You place the trust, let go, and believe they will rise to the faith put in them...I am glad that he has severed contact,answered my questions, and dealt with my emotions.All this is aimed at strengthening the bond that has been broken. It demonstrates a willingness to handle problems in a responsible way instead of trying to bury them, avoid them, or hope they go away. There are no shortcuts; the only way through this situation is to face it head on and deal with it. Even then, it will be difficult.
Certainly, neither of us wants to drag this out; it's so painful and uncomfortable that we want it to be over quickly, but it can't be rushed. So unless we are both willing to commit to honesty and to investing the time and energy necessary to deal with all this, We're unlikely to make it together; or if we do, the emotional distance from the lack of commitment to doing what's necessary will lead to a deadened, meaningless marriage.I still want to believe there is hope that by actively working together, we can come through this with a stronger relationship and greater trust than we had before. A crisis like this provides us with a chance to "get it right" something i didn't really do in the first place when i had a kind of "blind trust" and just assumed everything would work out all right. If we can learn from it and devote ourselves to developing a strong bond based on complete honesty and a commitment to fairness and equality....then some good will come of all the pain we are going through now.I know this though....Unless we are willing to meet our own needs, we won't be able to make this work-no matter how much we both want it to work.He may have to accept that i may not be "the one" for him or he may not be "the one" for me. Unless we are both willing to have the courage to take a closer look inside ourselves and understand what we REALLY want and "need" to be happy, we will never be able to express it honestly and openly to one another.I honestly don't know what his needs are, or what mine are at this point anymore.This just happened last week, and we have spent hours on end talking and crying.We agreed that we would try to work this through.But i feel as Its as if we are just trying too hard to be "happy" like it never happened...its our way of attempting to minimize the full scope of this situation by avoiding the "real issues" within us that caused it...There is such a wide range of emotions im constantly bombarded with from one minute to the next- i just can't help it.He asks me what is wrong and when i begin to be honest and tell him what im thinking or how I'm feeling, he gets really upset and tells me how sorry he is for being so stupid.He tells me how he's poured out his heart and has told me everything and gotten on his knees crying and begged for another chance...and he doesn't know how else to "prove to me how hurt he is and how much he regrets having almost lost me by having this online affair".....??? I feel like i just want to pull away and not talk about this anymore because he is trying to manipulate me into not allowing me to express my feelings by making me feel guilty about how upset it makes him whenever i am feeling upset.Its like does he honestly "expect" that i "not be" upset after finding out he's been leading this double life behind my back,sharing his feelings with a stranger-and investing his time and attention on a "virtual" relationship,putting his job-and marriage at risk while i am home raising his kids full time? It just makes the entire thing even harder...he didn't even consider the trauma the kids would have to suffer being put through another divorce or how it would disrupt their life.I dunno, i just look at him sometimes and i see a cold- hearted, selfish, deceitful person. A hypocrite with no values whatsoever....
*Maybe he is "really" crying over her, and mourning the loss of that relationship...?" How would i ever know? Anyway this is just a glimpse of what my mental chatter sounds like inside my head right now.My stomach has been in knots since last week, any suggestions for dealing with an anxious stomach? For those of you that have actually made it this far reading,Thanks you for letting me vent....
Lost and confused....
LadyinBlue
Last edited by Ladyinblue; 09-19-2008 at 12:16 PM.
I'm sorry to hear what you're going through. I've had the same feelings you describe & enjoyed reading your thoughts on forgiveness and trust. It gave me a very real idea of their value within your marriage and your honest feelings today, which are totally understandable.
I honestly think he never planned on getting caught, liked the excitement of it all, and did not think ahead of the hurt he would cause (I know, Duh!) So, I don't think he's trying to manipulate you...Now that he sees the hurt he caused, he probably is feeling really bad...he got the reality check that what he was doing was far from innocent and he may not have thought that when it was happening.
I understand not wanting to drag this out, but you are right in that dealing with it now is the only way to make your marriage stronger and you can't control how long that will take...it does get easier with time, but setbacks/bad days happen.
In my case, I took it as an invitation to really talk about our relationship, what we both wanted, what we both felt was lacking and make real changes (not just talk) going forward...spending more time together, knowing what he likes and doing special things for him so he knows he's loved and appreciated (he has done the same)
As far as the stomach...for me, I had trouble eating with the anxious stomach but figured out what I could handle (bread, a banana, yogurt) just forcing myself to eat helped some.
My biggest issue is that I don't think my husband "gets it". I think he feels really bad that he hurt me, BUT, I don't think he thinks he has done something really wrong. I think he thinks that as long as there was no physical contact or sex then he did not have an "actual"affair. Because of this thinking, I am thinking that my husband will do this again eventually if he feels "lonely".
He tried to justify everything by saying that i never wanted to hang out with "them" online,even when he asked me to.He also asked me if it "bothered" me he was hanging out with her and i had said no.So he felt like i "didn't care" about him.....he said "I don't know...it was innocent at first...she was just a friend...then, it started to get out of hand...once it started I knew it was wrong but i just didn't know how to stop it'...this might be what he felt, but how am i suppose to feel about his boundaries with women going forward now? He still hasn't been able to tell what "void" this woman was filling besides "giving him attention" that made him feel "special".
The thing is, i stopped giving him attention when i realized he was impossible to talk to. He stopped helping me around the house,hardly ever did any chores(only when i *****ed) or helped me with the kids.Communication was always hell,and every time i tried to bring up a problem he would get angry and push me away.So i just gave up on us and put up a wall.I stopped letting him know i cared because it was obvious to me he didn't give a ****.SO its like he stopped doing his "marital duty" to try to meet my needs and when i stopped as well he turned to a stranger to fill his needs.How can he put any blame on me?It is very difficult to picture him having an emotional connection with another woman, especially since she knew we were married. I have to assume he did not speak kindly of me or the marriage.It hurts so much to know how totally ungrateful he has been of all the support and love i have given him in the past when he has needed it most.Two words that come to mind...Selfish and needy.He expected me to always be the one giving while he was taking...and he expected it to stay that way.
Its been a week from today and he already expects me to "not be so upset"...because it makes him too upset....?? Again, his "needs" come first.I'm just scared that he will never get it.Maybe he just doesn't want to....Right now I don't know if I want to keep trying anymore. For what? the next time it may lead to a physical affair.I feel like my husband would throw me in front of a Train to save himself. I just don't feel secure in our marriage anymore. One minute i want to try, and the next minute i don't.
My biggest issue is that I don't think my husband "gets it".
I struggled with this when my H pretty much ripped my heart out. After two years of struggling with it, and doing some really stupid things to try and 'make' him get it, I realized that he will never get it. The love a person can give is not comparable to the pain they can cause. that is my opinion. So even though my H does love me, it will never be enough to heal the pain. I had to go else where (a higher power in my case) to heal that pain. Maybe years down the road when he's matured some he'll understand, but for now I rely on my higher power to help me heal. I've realized that my H doesnt need to 'get it' right now. He just needs to take actions to get it in the future.
He sounds like he is more worried about his own feelings instead of yours. He needs to help you. He hurt you. We went through this stage also. My husband started reading whatever he could about his situation. He realized he needed to help me and learned he had a recovery process to go through also.
When this all blew up and i found the emails, I told him I was leaving,took of my wedding band and told him that he could have them back since it was obvious our marriage meant nothing to him.I had every intention of filing for divorce. He literally broke down and got down on his knees asking me to forgive him. I was so devastated and angry at him-i told him I didn't know if i could ever forgive him, or if i even "wanted to" so he'd have to learn to live with the consequences of his choices. He cried and cried for hours, to the point where he made himself sick.I found myself comforting him and calming him down...because it killed me to see him hurting so bad.After spending the next few days and nights talking and figuring out what had gone wrong-i realized what part i had played in this.As painful as it was, i couldn't deny that i had "pulled away" and given up on our marriage and ignored his needs as well.I remembered the times where he had tried to communicate his feelings, and i had gotten angry and accused him of "trying to control" me.I didn't want to listen to what he needed from me because i felt like if i did-it meant that i was "giving in to him"...If anyone can understand that?
We both agreed that both of us had stopped putting our marriage as a priority and instead chosen to ignore each others needs.He promised me that he would put 110% into rebuilding our marriage and he was willing to do whatever i asked of him to regain my trust in him again.He said this had been a huge wake up call-because it had helped him realize he loved me more than anything and didn't want to ever lose me.He assured me he didn't care about the other woman or pursuing anything with her,and he would never contact her again. I really can't fault anything he has done so far. He has been trying to rebuild the relationship we once had and stayed true to his word so far.So things are going great, aside from my natural mood swings-which have been getting less frequent. Even though he's really trying to be supportive, he gets really upset when he sees i am upset....and ends up apologizing all over again and tells me how its killing him to see me hurting.He tells me how he wakes up every morning and stares at me while im sleeping and hates himself for being so stupid to almost lose the best thing he's ever had (started crying again). I ended up comforting him and telling him that i didn't want him keep punishing himself over this because we had both drifted apart, and taken each other for granted. It could have been me having an emotional affair-because the thought had crossed my miind.Although unlike him, I never acted on it.I told him that i was upset about his poor choices, but because i loved him i was willing to put the past behind us and focus on the future instead. I tried to explain that i wasn't trying to punish him by getting upset-it was just something i had no control over....Its irrational to think someone could "get over" something so painful in a little over a week..and not be "upset" from time to time.
I dunno, i guess my being upset "triggers" him into feeling "guilty" and so he feels the need to apologize ....God this is so confusing. I don't know what's right or wrong anymore.It just makes it really hard for me to be "upset" around him, because i know how he is going to react....so my question is this-am i turning this around on myself here?
Its almost like-"he's the victim" and I'm the one being supportive in a sense...is this normal and if it isn't how should i deal with this? Besides this issue, I honestly could not ask for him to do anything more at this point and in a lot of ways I have gained insight about myself and the way i communicate.
Thank you for your encouraging responses and valuable input.In a time like this to have found this forum-i can't thank you all enough.
LadyinBlue
Last edited by Ladyinblue; 09-22-2008 at 10:55 AM.
Reason: remove smiley
This is very similar to my experience & there are 2 things that totally stand out in your post. You see your role in the distance within your marriage. Although you didn't cross that line, you can understand why he did at that point in your marriage. These are the exact things that enabled me to move forward and our marriage is stronger and closer than ever before.
As far as how you are feeling, you need to heal at your pace and a week is certainly not enough time, IMO. Let him apologize and respond with "I know". There's nothing wrong with letting him know that you think everything he's doing now is great and you feel your marriage will be better than ever, but the hurt is still raw and real and you can't turn it off like a switch. If he wishes you could, tell him you wish that even more but you want to work through your feelings, not bury them and have them reappear down the road.
We had a really good long talk about how i was feeling and he just stared at the floor, i could tell he was struggling to not react but he kept at it and was really empathetic to what i was saying.A couple of times i started to get really angry, and i started to escalate but he always kept his tone of voice low and allowed me to vent. I told him i was angry that he had thought to go out and follow his chemistry and have the luxury of the vacation of being unfaithful but that's not the agreement we had within our relationship.I told him i was angry because his poor choices had severely damaged our relationship by those fleeting moments and i wasn't sure whether he was really ready to sit down and do the work that a relationship entails. I told him i wanted him to be able to come to me and let me know if he ever felt we were becoming distant,and i know it's not always easy because I think a lot of the time; men see the marriage and children as – ‘Wow, this is really serious and this is really heavy and I don't want to be this old and I don't want to be this responsible.'It's easier to run out and see someone that doesn't represent all that. But that is not healthy for the long-term goal of creating a family of trust together.He was very verbal and expressed a lot of his feelings and concerns also....I know its only been a week-but i dunno,i see some progress....
LadyInblue
I told him i wanted him to be able to come to me and let me know if he ever felt we were becoming distant
In his own way i think he tried to tell you this before the affair. What he did was awful and wrong, but in your first post you mentioned that he communicated his feelings of insecurities around your guys friends often, and also you mentioned leaving him at parties and to go do your own thing. Its just my personal opinion, but i think you blew him off when he did come to you and when he expressed his insecurities.
I know i did!!!!-but it wasn't until the affair that i saw it.At first i couldn't believe it-it was like that feeling of "here i go again"....except this time it hurt ten times worse because i truly believed he was the "right" guy for me and i had taken the time to see what he was really about before moving in with him. I truly loved "who he was" and so i decided to give love one last shot.The only problem was i didn't realize that i was too scared to commit again-and so i began to pull away.Many times i rejected him simply because i really hated being "touched a lot" or "kissed a lot" by him and quite honestly, deep down i felt confident like i was "in control" .For the first time I wasn't the idiot wanting to be all "touchy feely" all the time and "loving"...he was. So no matter how many times he tried to tell me how it made him feel rejected by me-i would just push him away farther by becoming defensive and blame him for trying to control me or change me.Over time this created a big rift between us that only got bigger with every fight,disrespectful behavior, and hurtful word.I would even fantasize about leaving him and constantly questioned my decision to marry him.I became miserable and moody.Communicating with him was impossible-and things would always escalate into arguments.I stopped trying to communicate and pulled away completely.
Eventually i began to ponder the idea of having an "affair" myself.To my surprise, it was he who ended up having one.I stopped trying to communicate and pulled away and how did he respond? By betraying me...Did i expect a different response? Yes i did, i expected him to have been able to come to me and tell me how rejected by me he felt before he went to someone else for some emotional support.But He HAD TRIED Many times! Only to have me push him away and argue. I had set up a no-win situation.Now i look back and understand how much i was holding back from the very beginning of the relationship, because of my own baggage and "fear of commitment" to avoid being hurt again....and as much as it hurts-i have come to accept the part i played in re-creating my own misery.I was not communicating in a loving way, yet i was expecting him to every time...and this is why i made the decision to forgive him.I know it will take time, but i do want to whole -heartedly forgive him for his betrayal. Why? Because i can still look at him and see many amazing qualities that i love about him and because he has proven to me, that he wants to make this marriage work.He may not be perfect, but his qualities outweigh his flaws.One of his best qualities, is that he has the humility to admit his mistakes and is always willing to improve on what he needs to improve on. This affair has opened my eyes to so many things.....i can't say I'm glad it happened, but I'm not sure anything less would have gotten my attention.
Crazy huh?
Now i look back and understand how much i was holding back from the very beginning of the relationship, because of my own baggage and "fear of commitment" to avoid being hurt again....and as much as it hurts-i have come to accept the part i played in re-creating my own misery.
I can totally relate to you here
Quote:
Originally Posted by Ladyinblue
Crazy huh?
Is there room for 1 more on the crazy train?!
The best part for me in this realization, is that I really now feel at peace with myself and my marriage. Tearing down that wall of protection can be very liberating.
i can sympathize with you on so many levels! i have gone through a very similar situation (no physical contact). i also feel that my husband does not truly get it. he knows i'm hurt but i'm not sure the actions to correct things are there. after a few months of ups & downs, i have decided to forgive him & move on with a positive attitude. i realized that i can't make my husband do things or make me feel a certain way. i am exhausted, unhappy, & emotionally drained. i have lost a ton of weight (not entirely horrible but yet another reminder). i keep going over things again & again & getting myself hurt again & again. i can't do it anymore. he has said many times how stupid he was & that i am the only one for him. early on, he gave me a card which was very deep & would've taken him time to pick out the right one. these are the things i must remember. he has reassured me over & over. i guess i was like you & looking for some big, cosmic changes, but there i go with my expectations again. i have decided to take his word & give him a 2nd chance. what else can i do? what will be, will be. i can only change myself & hope for the best. i will keep communicating my feelings as much as i can to him & expect different reactions than i did in the past. i feel much better after deciding this, but i has been almost 3 months! give yourself time to sort out your feelings. only you will know when or if you will be ready to say - i forgive you. my marriage will forever be changed from this point on but i am now trying to see the positive over the negative. (check out my post - "how do you let it go?). keep posting! it helped me so much to get such wonderful advice & encouragement when i was feeling down! (swedish was a big help!) good luck & keep us posted!
Is it normal to feel like your going crazy???
Re: Is it normal to feel like your going crazy???
Re: Is it normal to feel like your going crazy???
Re: Is it normal to feel like your going crazy???
