Husband is in the "Fog"
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Coping with Infidelity Relationship recovery from the destructiveness of infidelity.

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Old 03-27-2011, 01:28 AM   #1 (permalink)
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Default Husband is in the "Fog"

Ugh. I found out a few days ago that my husband is having an affair. We have 3 young children and he has just decided that he's tired and feeling "beaten down" by me. Says that I made him feel really bad about himself for a few years now (funny because he didn't say anything about that until 2 weeks ago). As far as I can tell the affair started a few months ago. But who knows, as he's being very vague and won't answer many questions. He says he wants to separate and think things through. Of course within an hour of packing his bags and leaving he was with "her". I am a mess over this. Haven't been sleeping and can't eat I feel like aliens invaded my once loving and loyal husbands body. I have read about the "fog" and it sounds like what my husband is experiencing. I am holding out a little hope that he will at some point come to his senses and realize what he gave up. But at the same time it's not looking good.
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Old 03-27-2011, 07:12 AM   #2 (permalink)
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Default Re: Husband is in the "Fog"

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... he has just decided that he's tired and feeling "beaten down" by me. Says that I made him feel really bad about himself for a few years now (funny because he didn't say anything about that until 2 weeks ago). ... I feel like aliens invaded my once loving and loyal husbands body. I have read about the "fog" and it sounds like what my husband is experiencing.
First of all, I am very sorry to hear you are in this situation. You are not alone; there are dozens of us on this site who can relate to what you are going through. It is an awful experience which you don't deserve, whatever your own issues in the marriage.

I can relate to the "alien invasion" -- that's a great analogy! The sudden change in personality, the blame deflection ("it's all your fault"), the self-centeredness ("you didn't make me feel special so I am not going to work on our marriage, I am going to step out"), and the utter lack of responsibility ("I am going to leave you with the kids"). Sounds like the fog has indeed claimed another victim.

I don't know what your best course of action is over the next week or two, but the good people on this site will give you some useful coaching.

My only suggestion at this point is for you to try to maintain your dignity as best you can -- while you are 50% responsible for the marriage, he is 100% responsible for walking out. You are a loyal wife and mother. You deserve better treatment than this. It is difficult, but keep telling yourself this. Anxiety is normal in this situation, but do not surrender to any kind of paralysis or depression: keep as active as possible, focus on your kids and other positive things.

My best wishes in sorting through this difficult situation.
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Old 03-27-2011, 07:18 AM   #3 (permalink)
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Default Re: Husband is in the "Fog"

It never looks good from where you are right now. And I have no way of telling you what it will look like weeks and months from now, but your husband will eventually experience this affair relationship much differently than he is now. It will lose its luster.

Whether or not your marriage survives depends on a lot of things (your own relationship history, his willingness to work hard at earning your trust, whether or not you chose to forgive, getting the right help, etc.), but as you deal with the grief of this betrayal, I would encourage you work less at trying to get him back and work more at figuring out what a healthy YOU looks like. Your own lessons in endurance and personal growth will not only prepare you better for any eventual outcome, but will also be changes that your husband is more likely to respect.

A couple good books: Not Just Friends by Glass, and Getting Past the Affair by Snyder, Baucom & Gordon.
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Old 03-28-2011, 10:29 AM   #4 (permalink)
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Default Re: Husband is in the "Fog"

Hey there. How are you doing?

Have you heard from him since?
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Old 04-01-2011, 08:29 AM   #5 (permalink)
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Default Re: Husband is in the "Fog"

Thanks for all the support guys. Jellybeans, he is still not living her and he's telling me that he thinks we may be able to work this out. Only problem is I don't feel him trying to work anything out. He comes here sometimes and is all over me and tells me that he still loves me but he just doesn't know what he wants. He also admits he's still involved with her and has no plans to cut her out of his life. I'm just not sure what to do at this point. I do know that I wont be his doormat and I refuse to share any man. I guess a 180 is probably my best option at this point.
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Old 04-04-2011, 09:19 PM   #6 (permalink)
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Default Re: Husband is in the "Fog"

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Thanks for all the support guys. Jellybeans, he is still not living her and he's telling me that he thinks we may be able to work this out. Only problem is I don't feel him trying to work anything out. He comes here sometimes and is all over me and tells me that he still loves me but he just doesn't know what he wants. He also admits he's still involved with her and has no plans to cut her out of his life. I'm just not sure what to do at this point. I do know that I wont be his doormat and I refuse to share any man. I guess a 180 is probably my best option at this point.
Any updates?
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Old 04-08-2011, 10:01 PM   #7 (permalink)
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Almost too much to type out lol. Basically we were "separated" with him sleeping at his parents house about 35-40 mins away. I could tell from our online banking that he was coming into town almost every day and withdrawing money. Also he was withdrawing in a certain part of town that is not near our home or near any of his friends houses. On those days he would not come visit me or the kids. He would do whatever he was doing here in town (visiting the OW no doubt) and then go back to his parents house for the night (I think).

When I would ask what he was doing in town he would just say visiting friends (he has no job right now). But I knew he was lying. He would text me late at night wanting to have light hearted chats. But I was exhausted and stressed from having to take of our 3 kids for weeks on end without much help from him and would end up arguing with him (so much for the 180 lol). Anyways things did start to get a little better between us. We weren't arguing quite so much and he said he was missing home. So we agreed maybe he should come back home and try to take it "one day at a time". I did tell him though that if he was going to come home he had to prove to me that he was done with the OW and that she was out of his life for good.

Well he came home and couldn't/wouldn't show me ANY evidence of her being out of his life. He could barely even say how or when he broke things off! And she is still on his FB friends list. Sorry but I don't really feel like it's appropriate to keep your mistress on your friends list when you are trying to reconcile with your wife. I had the feeling from the second he walked in the door that he just wasn't all that invested in trying to work anything out. Just seemed pretty half hearted.

I just couldn't get past the fact that he couldn't show my any proof that he ended things with her. So I have been pretty angry and hostile with him. We ended up having an argument where he said he wasn't sure that we could ever work anything out. During that time he decided to "come clean" and tell me that he has slept with her...more than once. Now I have asked repeatedly if he has but he has always denied it. But he finally admitted it.

I of course was devastated! He seemed remorseful for a little while. But then after the initial shock and anger wore off for me it was like he didn't care that much anymore and was just waiting for me to kick him out. After much MUCH more arguing and talking we agree it's best if he moves out for good. He plans on getting an apartment but still wants us to just be separated because there is a chance we can work out our problems. Oh and he still blames me for him starting the affair. It's like I deserved it because I "pushed him away". So that's where we are at. I'm pretty sure that us staying separated is just going to give him more freedom to cheat
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Old 04-08-2011, 10:27 PM   #8 (permalink)
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Default Re: Husband is in the "Fog"

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I'm pretty sure that us staying separated is just going to give him more freedom to cheat
That's exactly what it's going to do. I put up with an entire year of that. Boy, was I ever a doormat! I really think you need to get firm. Ask him to go to marriage counseling with you, send the OW a "no contact" letter, and move back into the house. If he is not willing to do that, it's time to file for divorce. Put an end to the "cake eating" at your expense.

BTW, have you disclosed his affair to anyone? Sometimes that can help free an adulterer from the fog.
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Old 04-08-2011, 10:50 PM   #9 (permalink)
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Yes I have. Unfortunately it didn't do much good. It made him really defensive...for some reason he hates all the support I get and he says I'm making him look bad lol. I told him to move back in the house and he says it doesn't feel right. I honestly just feel like he doesn't want our life together anymore I think he just wants to be free to do whatever he wants without having to answer to he wife and kids. But at the same time he is slightly conflicted because after 10 years together there is an emotional attachment and I think he is finding it harder to let go than he though he would. But I refuse to be strung along anymore. If he can't look at me and tell me that he loves me and is totally committed to working this out (which he can't) then I have move on. He definitely wont send her a no contact letter...he won't even send her a no contact text lol. He said he would do MC but I think he's just saying that to make me happy, not because he truly wants to work on this.
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Old 04-09-2011, 06:28 AM   #10 (permalink)
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Default Re: Husband is in the "Fog"

Unfortunately, that fog your husband is in is way too thick. My husband was completely engulfed as well. Once they get to that point they could care less about you. My estranged husband didn't care who I exposed his affairs to either--he simply said a marriage is only a little piece of printed paper. No biggie!

My divorce lawyer is in his 60's and has a lot of wisdom. I think he has also seen it all when it comes to family issues. He's the one who told me to give my estranged husband an ultimatum. Tell him to move back in the house, go to MC, and no more contact with other women. Otherwise, a divorce should be filed. He was right on that one. It clearly showed me my husband was not even remotely interested in preserving our 20+ year marriage.

The life of an affair can last up to two years before the "new" wears off. A few experts give advice on waiting it out, but I really can't see that. I tried that the first few years and suffered greatly by doing so. Of course, some of that depends on the psychological make up of the cheater. My estranged husband is a sociopath and had a steady revolving string of women. Clearly there would be no waiting around for him to emerge from that fog.

I wish you and your children well.
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Old 04-10-2011, 09:11 AM   #11 (permalink)
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I just wonder...if we legally separate instead of divorce. And I pretty much cut off contact except for if it has to do with the kids or this house. And get to work on a 180 (mostly for myself because I really need it right now). If at some point down the line when he starts coming out of the fog there would be hope for us. This woman CRAZY. I don't know her all that well, met her through a mutual friend years ago. But she is bipolar and tried to kill herself when she was 18 or 19. Two of the relationships she has been in ended up with her and her boyfriend beating the crap out of eachother. She's also one of those scrappy girls that picks fights with other girls for really stupid reasons. But she is also very attractive and right now is telling my husband everything he wants to hear and is making him feel like wanted (something I think I didn't really do much of for the last couple years we have been married).

I'm pretty sure that once the fog wears off and the reality of being involved with her crazy sets in...I may end up looking really good to him, especially if the 180 works and I really can do a turnabout and be the positive happy person I want to be.
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Old 04-10-2011, 10:40 AM   #12 (permalink)
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Default Re: Husband is in the "Fog"

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I just wonder...if we legally separate instead of divorce. And I pretty much cut off contact except for if it has to do with the kids or this house. And get to work on a 180 (mostly for myself because I really need it right now). If at some point down the line when he starts coming out of the fog there would be hope for us. This woman CRAZY. I don't know her all that well, met her through a mutual friend years ago. But she is bipolar and tried to kill herself when she was 18 or 19. Two of the relationships she has been in ended up with her and her boyfriend beating the crap out of eachother. She's also one of those scrappy girls that picks fights with other girls for really stupid reasons. But she is also very attractive and right now is telling my husband everything he wants to hear and is making him feel like wanted (something I think I didn't really do much of for the last couple years we have been married).

I'm pretty sure that once the fog wears off and the reality of being involved with her crazy sets in...I may end up looking really good to him, especially if the 180 works and I really can do a turnabout and be the positive happy person I want to be.
I wish you luck. Here, we don't have legal separation, just divorce, and I think OW is pushing him to do that. She's just filed for her second divorce, and she's my H's high school sweetheart and lives 2500 miles away. But I'm in the same boat as you. I don't have proof but lots of coincidences and red flags. The fact that my H is treating me this way is enough. Hiding behind texts and emails saying he is done with our marriage and we need to discuss our "situation". Can't even meet me face to face and say he wants a divorce and why. His "why" is because I called the OW and let the phone ring twice, didn't even talk to her. And that I sent a message to her stbx on facebook with a fake profile telling him what I thought was going on. Yeah, that's grounds for divorce!
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~ You may be deceived if you trust too much, but you will live in torment if you don't trust enough. ~

Or, you could be a big sap and trust your husband, and he could end up being a lying, spineless, cheater.
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Old 04-10-2011, 11:30 AM   #13 (permalink)
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Default Re: Husband is in the "Fog"

You may want to try the 180 and see if it has any impact. And it also has to do with your self-esteem. You may want to see an individual therapist as part of your 180 program. It really does a lot of damage when you are the one who gets dumped. Now that my self-esteem has been somewhat repaired, I simply won't tolerate a dishonest cheater again. I deserve better than that. Before this gets settled, you my also get to that point.
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Old 04-10-2011, 11:53 AM   #14 (permalink)
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I will be calling to set up an appointment with the IC tomorrow
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Old 04-10-2011, 12:18 PM   #15 (permalink)
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Default Re: Husband is in the "Fog"

Best of luck to you. Same kinda thing here - my H had an affair & left after 10 years, 3 kids. The OW seems whacko, perhaps our Hs all need to watch Fatal Attraction

I feel like now that i have accepted what has happened, I am moving on and getting back to who I used to be. I am not going to be treated like a doormat, who needs that cr@p in their life?
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