I apologize for how long this will get. I've been reading the forums for a little while, searching for advice, but my situation seems a little unique.
My fiancee and I are having some major issues. We've been together for almost four years and are high school sweethearts. We were best friends for two years before we ever started dating. We fight from time to time, but it was never anything major or that we couldn't work through. Until this past May.
At the time, we were both in college (different schools) and extremely busy so we didn't get to spend a lot of time together. He was making a lot of new friends at school and I was very happy for him. His depression has a tendency to make him alienate himself from the people around him, so I was quite please when he started making effort to hang out with people more.
I should probably mention that I have, in the past, had very bad trust issues. I was previously with a very abusive boyfriend and have always had "daddy issues" (he moved across country when I was 16 with a woman that always treated me poorly). In the past, I would always twinge with jealousy if he mentioned that he was hanging out with another girl, but I had been working through this issue and had made a lot of progress. Mostly because the trust issue was severely affecting our relationship.
The more we talked, the more this one girl's name kept coming up: Jane (not her real name). And for once, I wasn't jealous at all. I was very proud of myself and encouraged him to hang out with her more since they seemed to be very good friends. Jane also had a boyfriend, so that probably contributed to the lack of jealousy. I'm sure you can all see what's coming next.
In May, I felt like we were doing well. We were also leading rather independent lives from each other, but we'd talk every night before we went to bed and we weren't fighting as much. That's when the bombshell fell. Turns out he was having extreme feelings for Jane. To the point of where he was questioning whether or not he wanted to continue our relationship. He said that he wasn't sure if he loved me or not anymore.
I was devastated. Here I thought that he was still very much in love with me and it turns out he was having an emotional affair. He informed me that he was going to tell Jane of his feelings, but "knew that it wasn't going to go anywhere". Truth be told, Jane handled it much better than I did. She asked him what he needed to solve this issue, whether it was more space or whatever. She also told him flat out that she had no feelings for him whatsoever and that he was a dear friend to her, but nothing more. Since then, Jane and I have become friends of a sort.
Of course, my trust in him had been completely broken just when I had learned to completely trust him. We took a break so we could both figure out what we wanted from this relationship. A week later, we had dinner and talked things out as calmly as we could and when we got home, he told me that he was a fool for letting me go and that he would never leave me again. He said that the reason for this started seemed to be the distance growing between us. I had always been his best friend, but suddenly Jane was filling that role more and more. I think the term is emotional displacement. It took time, but we started to work through these issues and heal and grow.
We even went on a three week trip around Europe and while we were gone, our relationship hit a high that it hadn't achieved in a long time. On the trip, he informed me that he was still having feelings for Jane, which I had already gathered, but we talked them out and it ended up being a really nice discussion about our relationship. Of course, our happiness was not to last.
A week after we got back, he told me that he was beginning to have doubts about our relationship and that he wasn't sure what to do. He said it was never a question of whether or not he loved me or wanted me (our sex life has never had a problem this whole time), but whether or not he wanted this relationship. Since we are so young (he's almost two years younger than I), this is really the only serious relationship he's ever had. He's afraid that he missed out on something in being with me all through college. He said that he was just unhappy and he didn't know what to do to fix it.
Both Jane and I (on separate occasions) told him that he should start seeing a therapist for his depression since it was affecting his life (his school work was slipping, he was avoiding people more, destroying the relationships he had, etc.). Of course, I had been telling him this for years, but at least he listened to someone finally. He started going last week and seems optimistic about the whole thing. In addition, he had told Jane that he needed some distance for a little while so that he could figure things out. In that time, he said that the feelings towards her are almost completely gone and that the emotional affair was coming to an end. He also looked me in the eye, held my hand, and told me that he loved me and he was going to work hard to make this relationship stay together.
Once again, we were starting to work through things until last night. We fought and he told me that he didn't want to sleep in the same bed as me. That I would have to sleep on the couch. I repeatedly asked him what was wrong, but he always answered that he didn't know. When I looked at him, he seemed completely blank, as if there was nothing behind his eyes. I've never seen him like that and it scared me.
After we argued some, it was determined that we would sleep in the same bed and figure things out in the morning. Well, morning came and he felt very bad about the night before and said that he didn't deserve me. When I asked what happened, he said that he wasn't sure and the details were a little fuzzy, but that he had remembered how he treated me. He promised that he was going to make it up to me, but I'm not sure that I believe him.
I guess I'm just hoping for some advice on the situation. I love him very much and we have planned a whole life together, but part of me is wondering if it's even worth it anymore. If we're just going to end up in this horrible loop of good times and then crushingly awful times, perhaps it isn't worth it. I just love him so very much and I know that he's very unhappy, but I'm hoping the solution isn't to let him go. In Europe, I saw just how very good our relationship can be if we let it and to me that's something worth fighting for.
Any words of wisdom you could offer would be greatly appreciated.
As hard as it is i think you two have a problem that will snowball throughout your relationship. He has brought up that he wants to date other women. He will not let this go. it will come back to bite you in the a@$ if you dont set him free now.
the distance between you is certainly a factor, but even very close relationships becomes distant again after years together. Not geographically distant, but emotionally. Once you two hit this point he will resurface these old feelings, only it will come with resentment and probably more heartache on your part.
I'd let him get it out of his system now. What is that saying? set them free and if they come back you'll know they love you.
I've decided to take your advice, ljtseng. After many hours of thinking about it (it has been quite a while since I posted this) and many cries together, we've decided to take a two month "break" from the relationship. I have not promised that everything will be okay at the end of it, nor that I will take him back as I'm not sure where I'll be in two months, but we have agreed to at least talk about things in two months' time.
Thank you so much for your advice. As much as it was hard to hear, it's really what needed to be done.
Things are hard, but I'm working through them. I'm mostly taking the time for myself to figure out what I want. I've seen him since we started the break and I can tell that he's regretting a lot of what he's done (and he wants to ask for me back). I'm just not sure how long I need to keep this up because it's killing me. I'm also worried that in two months he will have resolved himself to never coming back and will have moved on. I guess if that's the case, then it wasn't meant to be, but it still hurts.
About the "daddy issues": I have before and I intend to go again. Unfortunately, due to a lack of medical insurance at the moment, I can't afford it. In a month or so, I should be eligible for medical benefits at work (they only have open enrollment once a year).
Point is, yes I have strongly considered it and have done so before. Of course, that was right around when my medical insurance ran out.
I've seen him since we started the break and I can tell that he's regretting a lot of what he's done (and he wants to ask for me back).
i just re-read your original post. this seems to be a trend for the two of you. You get upset, you split up, he wants you back, he gets you back, then starts saying he's not sure if this is what he wants. Have you noticed this?
Yeah, I have noticed this. I've also noticed that it happens when he goes into a depressive spiral (he has clinical depression). I had hoped that getting help (i.e. a therapist) might have started us on a better path. What I do know, is that this is the last time he gets to do this. Either he chooses to be with me or he doesn't and he needs to live with the consequences of his actions. Even if he chooses to be with me this time and he does it again, he's gone. I've already been far too patient with him and indulged him in many ways.
He needs to learn that he can't treat me this way and that everybody has a limit to their patience. I realize that before this time, I had not been thinking very clearly about the situation as a whole, but now that I've had a chance to step back, I'm looking at it with a very critical eye. We do have a lot of problems, but I think that if we're both willing (his vote is the only one unaccounted for) that we can work through them.
He needs to learn that he can't treat me this way and that everybody has a limit to their patience.
Well, honestly who knows what he needs to learn. But the important thing is that you are learning this. On this site Drac often recommends couples writing up agreements, things each needs to do in order for the relationship to work. i think you should write this down and have you both sign it so when things get hard down the road you dont forget the promise you made to yourself.
Well, honestly who knows what he needs to learn. But the important thing is that you are learning this. On this site Drac often recommends couples writing up agreements, things each needs to do in order for the relationship to work. i think you should write this down and have you both sign it so when things get hard down the road you dont forget the promise you made to yourself.
That's very good advice and I will definitely take it. If we decide to get back together at the end of this break, I will present him with what I need out of the relationship to make it work and encourage him to make his own additions which we will talk out together. I'm glad you mentioned this because it was something that I had not thought of before.
well, that's good. i hope it helps. i had a verbal contract with my H and it did help.
it always helps me to remember that relationships are hard. so just hand in there and know its not just you. pretty much everyone on this board alone is constantly beating their head against a wall hoping to figure it out some day.
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