Hello all, this is my first post here. I have been in the depths of madness in the past few days; not much left inside to hold onto- we often lose the bricks of principles in the darkest moments of our lives. So, I have done the "unthinkable" and turned to an internet forum to write down some thoughts.
Last February, I was at a trial competition out of state. I had felt uneasy for a few months- my wife and I were very distant from each other- but I had relegated this feeling to being stressed out from law school. I also knew my wife was going through a lot of questioning of herself and her direction in life. I tried to talk with her about these things, but the communication was breaking down. I didn't know why, but I knew we had to do something or bad things would happen.
I returned from my two day trip and received a text message from my cell phone provider saying my bill was triple what it usually was. I checked the phone records to find out the why. I found, in two days time, my wife had been talking to someone internationally for 26 hours total. I knew who it was she had been talking to, and I now mark that day as the first of the past year of Hell. Now, allow me to backtrack to two months prior to that day. And please don't laugh.
My wife began talking on facebook to an old high school acquaintance that was in Afghanistan on a civilian contract. Within weeks of Christmas 2009, she was up until 4 or 5 am doing this while I slept. I awoke many times to ask what this was all about, and she told me it was the time difference- she was talking to this friend and the time zone thing was the reason she wasn't coming to bed. We have been married for 5 years but together for 10 years. I had no reason to question what she said to me. I let it go. We all need friends, right? By January of 2010 (a month later) the conversations were continuing on the phone. I knew this, and again had no reason to question. Apparently, she was questioning pretty intensely by this point
Sometime in January, she called me and told me that this friend needed to be picked up from the airport in March (2010) and whoever picked him up would get a free non-couples massage. She asked if I would be comfortable with this. I said I was ok with that.
Then I found the phone calls a month later, but before the airport gig. I confronted her about these phone calls. It became a fight. We had always had each others passwords to everything, neither of us ever used them. I decided to use them, all of them. Facebook, MySpace, email, all of it. What I found was devastating. He was clearly a pervert, and enjoyed pushing a married woman that was clearly in a weakened state of mind. He was overtly sexual, and she was not in response, but neither did she lay out the boundaries that were inappropriately being violated. I knew then that if I didn't reach out to her, it was going to get very very bad. I reached out. In every way I knew how as a husband, I reached out. I begged her not to go get him from the airport. She dropped me and our daughter off at my mother's house and went and got him anyway. She then turned off her phone. The next time I heard from her was 18 hours later, at 4 a.m. She was at his mom's house, "hanging out" with his family and him. She was drunk, and said she would sleep on his couch. I said no, and went and picked her up. We sat in my mom's driveway and she brought out all the gifts he bought her that day- perfume, a belly dancing outfit (she was getting into dancing then), etc... I told her she was not going back to see him at all unless I met him and was present. She agreed.
The next day after the airport gig, I went with her to his house. I bought him and his entire family dinner and brought it with us- I wanted to assess this man's character. Spent the day at his house with my wife. I saw how he looked at her. It sent chills up my spine. That night, he wanted to take us out. We went. The next morning he sat on a bed in a hotel room he had gotten (we got one too, a few floors up), and proceeded to tell me how he was a "psychic" and "knew I had questions for him." He then said he was envious of me, but would never "take my wife's honor," because "with his special powers, come special responsibilities." He then showed me pictures on his camera of my wife the previous day (the airport day) where she had been posing for him in her "new dance outfit." "See, nothing happened" is the last thing he said. My wife's underwear were showing through the sheer material in those pics- a week later he posted them on Facebook.
I am not detailing these things to recount a long story that has been retold for thousands of years. I write them because of the relative level of sickness and evil I had to confront during the beginning stages of what was going to be the worst year of my life- ever.
So I left that hotel room. My wife had been waiting in the hallway for me. I thought we were leaving. Not. He asked to speak with her "in private." She went in over my objection, the door shut, and they were in there for 15 minutes. I kicked in the door and we left. I told her I had just confronted pure evil and I was going to leave her if she continued the friendship with him. It was an empty threat, and she knew it.
A few days later he left back overseas. Her email, facebook, and phone blew up with his contacting her. Emails insulting me, saying horrible things about me, on and on. She allowed it. I asked her to end contact. She did, for short times here and there, but began to lash out at me at any mention of his name. Daily insults on me spiraled out of control, and I was losing my mind. After nearly two months of this, in May 2010, she had ended contact with him. I had to leave out of state at the end of May for work for the summer. It was two weeks I was to be alone, then my wife and daughter were joining me for the rest of the summer at our corporate apartment. When they got there, the contact began in earnest for the summer. Facebook only at this point. By mid-summer, I told her again either she stopped, or I was filing for divorce. She stopped. She deleted him off facebook.
We returned back home from the summer move and it all began again. She had set up fake facebook accounts and fake email accounts to continue contact. I always found out. I always reached out. We talked for hours almost every other day about why he was unhealthy for her and our marriage. I said I understood how "friendships" can become emotional affairs and that I forgave her for that- we are all human and need love. She said she was sorry for her "heart" swaying. I asked her on a weekly basis if I knew everything. She said of course I did.
Three days before Christmas of 2010, three months ago, we were visiting family. She wanted to go out for the evening with a girlfriend to shop. We were going to meet for a drink later that evening. I stayed with our daughter. An hour later her phone turned off and I did not hear from her until 3a.m. She was on her way home, "sorry I got caught up in hanging out with girlfriend, be home soon." I asked her if he was with her. She said no. I believed her, because I knew she hadn't spoken to him on the phone to set anything up. Mistake. It was her girlfriend that was relaying messages between my wife and this man. This was a girlfriend that had known both my wife and me for 12 years. I NEVER knew people could be so deceitful.
My wife came home that night, and the holidays came and went. Into January of this year, and things suddenly got REALLY better for us. I mean like a new awakening. She sat next to me one day looked at me and said "I look at you now, and I cannot believe how much I love you and am in love with you- you are the strongest man I have ever known. You are an amazing husband to still be here after my emotional affair, and an amazing father. I love you." Three days later she had a miscarriage. Devastating.
Last month, in February, a friend sent me around 40 pictures that she had seen of my wife on facebook on this man's page. They were horrible, and while not explicit, they were seriously compromising- and that is me being kind. Well, here we go again. They were pictures from last May- remember when I left state for work for two weeks? Yep. The whipped cream all over my wife was the last thing I expected while I worked at the law firm. Neither was her sitting on his lap, nor him giving her a drunken foot massage in a limo- what I expected.
Within days of seeing these pictures ( I also showed them to her, to which she replied "he is a piece of **** and he is only trying to break our marriage!") I got on my hands and knees at 6 a.m. while we got ready for our work day. I begged for the truth- the final truth. She began weeping and admitted she slept with him that night in the pictures. Once in an alleyway, and once in a car. Then, she admitted to another night- the night "out with her girlfriend" only three months ago three days before Christmas. I am sorry if this is too much detail, but writing this is already relieving the tears I have been crying alone today.
What's worse than this? Well, I'll tell you. Both times (or, all three times but who is counting?) there was no protection used, and she is not on birth control. So, I thought right away that 1) I need to go the doctor and get checked, and 2) the miscarriage in January may not have been my child.
So, here I am, 7 weeks later, still at home with my wife and daughter. She has since found God, goes to church, seems to "own up" to her mistakes, and asks me to try and love her again- to stay- but if I cannot then she has to deal with that.
As for me, I am trying to prepare to take the Bar Exam, while trying to decide if I want to take her with me when I move in three months for my post-graduation law career to begin. She has all the signs of really wanting to move on. However: I question if she has not simply moved on from one fantasy (him) to her new fantasy (me- the one she says "she only needed and wanted all along").
There, that is my story. I will pay very close attention to what anyone has to say. I will be fine one day, or one minute, then see a reminder, or vivid details come back and take over. I am on a lost rollercoaster that I feel everyone has forgotten existed. The tears don't stop, the darkness creeps in, and I pack my bags- but then unpack them and stay over and over. I love her as a human being, but I am asking myself if I can forgive MYSELF for staying this long- even if I leave or stay at this point. I have been to counseling on my own terms. It was before I found out about the physical part of the affair. I am simply lost. I have been lucky to be surrounded by the best of friends through this. I have gone out and been social on my own trying to have time on my own terms. Nothing is working.
I hope to hear from anyone here. Thanks