sunflower

So I really need some incouraging words.. I am really nervous I mean I have seen the ex bff that made out with my hubby in the past two years we all stoped being friends but now its time to spend almost a week with them and our other family and friends. See every easter we always all go camping as one big group we didnt go the last couple years cause I was a coward and let her run the show why I was hiding. Well this year we are going and I am scared ****less... Not sure why. I am a really outgoing talkative life of the party type person and I was thinking about getting a book and sitting by our trailer the entire time lol.. I get really nervous in these situations. and on top of it I have to spend it with my mother-in-law who is always bashing me. I can handle her but when you have her and the ex bff and her clan OMG I am in for a ride.

jnj express

Hey sunflower----stop being a doormat

Your H cheated---passionately kissing another woman is cheating---end of discussion----doesn't matter what he thinks---it is cheating

Since he cheated, and he cannot be trusted---he has to be accountable

One of your boundaries must be NC with the other woman---THEREFORE THERE IS NO EASTER WEEKEND WITH THIS GROUP OF PEOPLE---he lost the right to have his enjoyable weekend when he cheated

How to handle the situation---you just tell him---no weekend---when he blows up, or pouts, or sulks or whatever he will do---you stay away from him---no arguing--no discussing---no anything---it is a boundary and he will honor it

If he refuses---then simply say to him fine---if you do not comply with what I want, I will be in an atty's office manana---AND DIVORCE IS ON THE TABLE IMMEDIATELY

You have to hardline him---he may not like it---but if he cares anything about you---or his financial future (and it would be sad if that is his main reason for staying)--he will comply with your request

He wants to go camping on easter weekend---the 2 of you can go camping somewhere else---JUST THE 2 OF YOU

Do not be afraid to use hardline tactics---they really do work

Syrum

Stuff that. Why are you going?

or better yet why is she going and not bowing out?

disbelief

No contact, don't go, he doesn't go you don't need that torture. Stand your ground there's lots of other things to do.
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gasunrise

Another tactic.

This is time with your joint friends and family, up until this point you have not been on that trip for your own reasons. Take control back. Don't allow the ex bff to continue to mess up your time with your family and friends, your life. The reality is that if you view it as a contest, you won, your husband is with you. That is power you can use and focus.

If you WANT to go, let him know in no uncertain terms that he is to be at your side, nothing else will be tolerated. Set very firm ground rules with him. If the ex bff wants to speak to you, personally, I would ignore her and keep walking. If she pushes it, a simple "back off" works wonders.

If it is him that wants to go and you don't .... then don't go. If he wants to go camping because its tradition then start a new tradition, go camping together in a different location. He can get glad in the same pants he got mad in, he caused the problem, not you.

Does the family know anything about what happened?

Like so many things in life its all in how you look at it. Sometimes you have to tilt your head to the side and close one eye to get the best view.

sunflower

Thank you for all your responses I really appreciate that! you have no idea how much it mean to me for you to take your time to write on my feelings. I think that each one of you have a very valid argument. I think that you are right that I should not go and spend time with just my family BUT... How long do we all let them take over our lifes really do we just hide from them forever or take back what used to make us happy just because my husband drunken kissed the hooker do I stand back and let her take over the rest of my life.. NO I go and if I spend time alone by the trailer reading a book listening to music or getting jelous a couple times on the trip so be it. I mean I really have to gain control of my life right. I guess its to damn short to sit and let her control my feelings and thoughts and if he reallly wanted to be with her what do I do nothing let it be and move on but with a BIG BUT... he doesnt or he coulda had it she tried a third time and denied it. so doesnt that mean something... I dont think that he would do that again to ruin his family.

paramore

You do need to take control of your life, for sure!! If you choose to go, don't deny yourself fun, just think of this....you go, have a BLAST!!!!! Don't you DARE sit by your trailer and read, HAVE FUN!!!! Talk with your husband and family, stay by him, and have fun with him, dance, listen to music, have a bonfire, hold hands. Don't let her dictate how your vacation is gonna go, if you so chose to go.

Eli-Zor

No contact between your husband and this woman is exactly that, no contact, physically, verbally or visually . Going to the occasion where she is , is enabling a restart of the trysts they got up to and for them will bring back exciting memories.

Do not go , your husband stays with you , there must never be any contact between the two again. If you let your husband go there with or without you tells him you have lowered your boundaries and are willing to place your marriage in jeopardy.
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paramore

I agree with you Elizor, I certainly wouldn't go, I was just saying that IF she chose to go. I can see both sides to the argument here. I know for a fact I wouldn't go and insist my husband didn't go, if he chose to go against my wishes, that would say to me that our marriage isn't important enough to stay away from somewhere she'd be.

paramore

LOL, I laughed when sunflower referred to OW as a hooker, I like Kissyface too, I refer to my husbands first EA by her first name, the second EA/turned PA ugly meatball, cuz that's how she's shaped LOL, and the third one, Pigfaced troll LOL. I refer to my EA/PA as dumb@ss bumpkin.

Sonny

Sunflower after reading your back posts I would have to say that you've already let her control you this whole time due to your lack of self esteem. Stop worrying about her and your hubby so much and focus on you and how you respond to situations. What they did was wrong, drunk and stupid but was 2 years ago. Today someone lost their house and don't know where they will live, someone died tragically today, and you are all nervous about a camping trip. Make up with her and go have fun. You can call her a hooker all you want, but she isn't living with her mind wrapped in chains like you are.

Married&Confused

i say go and make sure that whenever the ow is near, plant a bigh wet one on his lips.

and make sure the sex you have with him at night can be heard throughout the campground.

nothing like rubbing the b!tch's face in it.

sunflower

I know it was actually like 3 years ago lol It was a drunken kiss that she started and he ended... She claims "I dont remember" BAHA Betch please! I know she does. But I see where you guys are coming from the ones that say to stay home and do our thing BUT if I do that I am donig what Sonny says locking my self in her chains and still letting her control me.. If I avoid her she knows still that its gotten to me. still after three years. And you are right people are losing homes and family and babies and jobs and I am stressing over a kiss. I really need to remind myself of that. Also I am NOT by any means perfect I have been stupid to., I really think that we all need to tell ourselves that we cant run from these people they should be running from US they should be the ones that feel really stupid not us. I think that we are and have been really burned. and are stuck in a rut in our lifes.... I dont think its about winning or losing with these people its about US..

jessi

Sunflower,
If I were you I wouldn't give her any power, I would be the bubbly outgoing person you are, don't giver her a second thought, be happy and loving towards your hubby, show the tramp that she in no way made any difference to your marriage........
make your husband feel loved, and make sure you always keep yourself in the game, no opportunity no worries.......
You have let this take some time away from your life and for what it simply isn't important anymore, if you are making your husband happy and he is making you happy, why give a rats a$$ about her or anything in her life.............
don't ever trust her but keep that to yourself, you can be a great actress for a few days........take the power back girl, you rock.......make her realize why she means nothing in the big picture...........if she tries anything be nice and friendly.......she will look like the fool not you

Sonny

There's no us/them here, there's no you vs her. Your lack of self esteem has allowed you to obsess over and over on this. You have much more serious issues of your own to work on in my opinion. Be a grown adult and befriend her again. She didn't screw him. Work on you and for god's sake stop worrying about what others think so much. (your real life friends.) Their lives aren't perfect by any means, nobodies is..........................