Thanks Paramore This is what I am doing. I am biding my time to save up some money, get myself a car and maybe even move out of our house and into a new place. (we rent our house) Maybe I should ask him for an open marriage. Hey honey, since you're already seeing someone, how about if I do the same
LOL!!!!! I wouldn't ask for that, although I am guessing you are being sarcastic, which made me smile. I am envisioning you doing that right now, and I would pay money to see the look on your husbands face, I'd be rolling on the floor with laughter. If biding your time is all you can really do right now, remember to work on yourself on the inside too.
Thanks Paramore Maybe I should ask him for an open marriage. Hey honey, since you're already seeing someone, how about if I do the same
You'd probably get the same response I did. "I wish you would, then you'll leave me alone." I did say that commitment should go both ways. Since she refuses commitment, then the freedom should go both ways also. When she told me she wanted to go meet him (he lives 18 hours away instead of 10 minutes away), I did meet a lovely lady and asked her on a date. I called her back the next day and told her I shouldn't date until the marriage is officially over. I thought that might shake my wife up a bit. However, she seemed to totally not care one bit. She is a master of deception lately, so it may have bothered her. But she let on that she would be glad if I did. Actually, she probably would since that would give her further justification to continue her affair.
I'm sorry you're in this situation. It certainly is not a good place to be. You're most likely seeing the tip of the iceberg. I know I find more iceberg every day.
1. Gather more proof - this is more for you then for him, if you need something more than your gut to go on. Inevitably he will deny something is going on, which is part of the infidelity script. If, for your own piece of mind you need more proof, then the GPS trick or a keylogger should help get the info you need.
2. Assuming he is cheating, then you need to decide if you want to try to salvage things or cut and run. Either are within your rights.
If you want to salvage things, there is a process for it that AffairCare outlines. It's good advice. Search it on this site.
If you want to cut and run, then tell him straight out, you know he is cheating, you have no interest in being in a marriage with 3 people, and ask him to move out.
A few things to acknowledge:
- While in the midst of an affair, the cheating spouse is hopped up on all sorts of brain chemicals that makes them act much different then they normally would. Personally, I see cheater behaviour as very similar to that of a drug addict (or sociopath) - frequent lying, blameshifting, denials in the face of abundant proof, extreme self-centeredness. This all usually passes but it can take awhile. Men often come out of it quicker when the wife retreats. But not always.
- Tolerating it is usually the worst thing to do. Forcing the issue by confrontation and being strong to the spew of bs that will come out of his mouth will force him to choose. Most men that get kicked out come crawling back.
- Sometime advice is given to be the "partner of his dreams" to win him back. I personal find that humiliating advice and that the cost to your soul to greater than the gain. But that's just me.
- If you want to save things, and he does crawl back, you'll be served by having him read infidelity recovery info. You need to impart to him that HE is responsible for making this right and you expect ACTIONS not just words. But before you get to that stage, he'll need to come out of the fog.
Infidelity is really very similar to drug addiction. It's the same confrontation, rock bottom, detox, recovery model.
1. Gather more proof - this is more for you then for him, if you need something more than your gut to go on. Inevitably he will deny something is going on, which is part of the infidelity script. If, for your own piece of mind you need more proof, then the GPS trick or a keylogger should help get the info you need.
2. Assuming he is cheating, then you need to decide if you want to try to salvage things or cut and run. Either are within your rights.
If you want to salvage things, there is a process for it that AffairCare outlines. It's good advice. Search it on this site.
If you want to cut and run, then tell him straight out, you know he is cheating, you have no interest in being in a marriage with 3 people, and ask him to move out.
A few things to acknowledge:
- While in the midst of an affair, the cheating spouse is hopped up on all sorts of brain chemicals that makes them act much different then they normally would. Personally, I see cheater behaviour as very similar to that of a drug addict (or sociopath) - frequent lying, blameshifting, denials in the face of abundant proof, extreme self-centeredness. This all usually passes but it can take awhile. Men often come out of it quicker when the wife retreats. But not always.
- Tolerating it is usually the worst thing to do. Forcing the issue by confrontation and being strong to the spew of bs that will come out of his mouth will force him to choose. Most men that get kicked out come crawling back.
- Sometime advice is given to be the "partner of his dreams" to win him back. I personal find that humiliating advice and that the cost to your soul to greater than the gain. But that's just me.
- If you want to save things, and he does crawl back, you'll be served by having him read infidelity recovery info. You need to impart to him that HE is responsible for making this right and you expect ACTIONS not just words. But before you get to that stage, he'll need to come out of the fog.
Infidelity is really very similar to drug addiction. It's the same confrontation, rock bottom, detox, recovery model.
Hope that helps.
Thank you. Your advice is helpful. I'm scared to be without him but at the same time, it's getting too hard to stay with him. Do you have a link for infidelity recovery? Or where can I find this?
This isn't right, get snooping, put a Voice Activated Recorder in his car, GPs, a key logger on the comp, get a hold of his phone, check emails, texts.........if he is seeing someone else, tell him to leave if he won't stop.........
then you expose to everyone important to him and the OW, best way to break up an affair is to bring it into the open, can't live the secret life when everyone knows what you are up to......
If he refuses, you ask him to leave if he gives her up, complete transparency is a must, all passwords are a must,
setting up extraordinary precautions and boundaries need to be put into place for recovery of this relationship
sorry you find yourself here and asking for help
Here is a summary of the past few months occurrences...
(Oct or Nov 20101)I start becoming suspicious as I begin to notice he is very possessive of his phone. It used to be after he got home from work, he'd put on the charger and that would be that. I noticed he began to hold it every moment. He would also keep it on silent and he would keep it face down hidden in his lap. So one night after he fell asleep, I took his phone and looked through it. I found a picture of a woman (the same one I suspect him of being involved with now. She is a former co-worker of his) I confronted him about this and his answer was that it a picture from her facebook. He was just checking up some features in his phone and had used her picture to see if he could upload someone's picture off their facebook. He then apologized that I was upset by it and he removed the picture from his phone.
(about one week later) I am feeling better. Things seem to be going good. But I decided to check his phone again. This time I found he was exchanging sex text messages with a different woman (another co-worker from the same past job) There was a thread of about 5 or 6 sex messages about how they would like to F*** each other. I confronted him about this. He made no excuses this time. He apologized and agreed to be accountable to me for whatever I needed from him. (the woman he sex-texted with I do firmly believe he has no contact with anymore)
Well, time goes on and he is following my requirements of him. He allows me to go through his phone nightly. I always know where he is when we are not together. I have full access to emails and all passwords. Again, things seem to get better.
(Dec 2010) I am at my daughter's judo lesson. I text my H to tell him that there is dinner at home in the crock-pot for him. About an hour n half later he calls me and says he is now on his way home. I thought he was already home. He says since he had time he stopped at a local wine store for a glass of wine. Something about this seemed fishy to me. So, I dug into it. I looked up this woman's facebook page (the same one I believe to be involved with him now) and even though my H claims he went alone, her status update on her FB said that she just drank 2 glasses of wine. The time it was posted was via mobile phone and at the exact same time my H was drinking wine. Now she did not say where she drank her wine, only that she had 2 glasses. Then I went thru my H wallet and found the receipt that shows 4 glasses of wine. He told me that he drank that wine all by himself. Yup, he had 4 glasses of wine in an hour and was still good. Not even tipsy. (Yeah right.) This he still denies that he was out with her that night to this day.
Things calmed back down again. (Jan 2011) he is fired from his job. I told him now since he no longer worked at this place with this woman, then there would be no reason for him to keep in contact with her (he was her boss) he refused this. He said he would keep talking with her. He then promised me that he wouldnt ever see her, but he wished to remain friends by texting or the occassional phone call. The next day. The very next day after telling me he wouldnt see her at all in person, he takes our daughter and meets up with her and her 2 kids for an afternoon of sledding. After sledding they all go out to the movies together. (I found out when my daughter came home and told me all about the fun she had with daddy's friend) I kicked him out of the house this night. He came home around 11am the next day and picked up our daughter to go to a friends house (this friend was male with a 6 yr old daughter himself. Our girls are good friends) They came home about 9pm. He slept at home that night but we have not spoken at all. Well, I tried to talk to him but he refused. The next night he takes off on his own and is gone the entire night. He comes home about 7am. Almost 5 days pass before we talk. I tell him he can choose me or he can choose her. if he wanted her, I would give him a divorce and we could end things as peacefully as possible. He wouldn't answer me. So I told him i was going to bed and that there was a spot saved for him if he chose our marriage. That night he crawled in bed with me. I was thrilled. I believed he chose me and I believed he understood that he would need to end all contact with her. It was rough for about a week after that but eventually we got back into our normal routines. Until maybe a week and a half afterwards I was on my FB when off to the side where it shows you "people you may know" is her profile with a picture of her and my husband together. His arms around her and she leaning into his chest. She has even written on the picture "You & me" with a little heart next to it. Disgusting. I asked my husband about this picture and he said sorry I was bothered by it. I ask him if he is still talking to her and he says he hadnt recently (I dont know if that was true or not) Once again I believe things are ok. He had given me the impression he was no longer talking to her.
(Feb 2011) we get our tax refund in. He says he is going to go pay bills. I wanted to go with him but he insisted I stay home and sleep in. I didnt think much about it. That night he says he wanted to go see a friend and have a few beers. To be a kind, patient and understanding wife, I say "have fun" He was gone about 3 hours and came home. FFW about 2 weeks later. I go in his wallet to give our son some lunch money for school. I find a receipt for kmart. I start reading over it. He has brought a card, a blanket and a large gift bag. It was dated the very same day we got our refund in which was also the very same night he went out with his "friend" for a few beers. I asked him about it and he had no answer. He only stood there and looked at me. Finally I said whatever and went to bed. We have not spoken about that since then.
Again, days go by and I am feeling better. He is home with me every night. I know where he is. He tells me he loves me everyday. Well, 2 months after he lost his last job, he finally got a new job. Since he has started this new job (3 or 4 weeks ago now)he has had several days where he is extremely late coming home from work (4 to 5 hours late) same excuse every time. "I was busy at work. I couldn't get away. As the general manager it is my responsibility to stay and make sure everything is in order. I had to write a schedule." One night he sent me a text message. last week on his day off, he left to go write a schedule (in all his yrs working in this field, he has never once left the house for that reason.) He was gone for 3 and a half hours. last night he disappeared for an hour after he thought I was already in bed. Now tonight he is scheduled off work at 8pm but told me he will be late so he can write a schedule. (Another one? he wrote 3 last week.) He has now password locked his phone, his computer and changed all his passwords to emails and stuff. He refuses to share them with me.
So, this is it to date. I dont know how deeply he is involved with this person but I do believe him to be involved somehow.
Sorry for the book. But that is the summary of what has been going on.
I like what another member wrote about anger. This emotion is a siren, blaring that something is wrong and that you need to protect yourself.
Trust your intuition. If I listened to mine more often, I would have saved myself a lot of stress and heartache. You don't need to snoop. You already know enough to save money to leave.
Confront your husband and make him aware that you will NOT tolerate infidelity. Posted via Mobile Device
Well, he has been pretty consistent. It's funny how they have power over us to convince us that nothing is going on. Not really funny. I guess it is easy to believe because we want to believe it. The signs don't look good. They look all too familiar to me. I can't offer much advice, but it helps me to know I'm not alone in this painful situation. I'm sorry you are here.
Now that there is more detail Apples, I think you already know what the husband is doing, with the wine receipt, and facebook statuses, and the fact that he keeps his phone locked and changed all passwords, I am pretty sure he is definitely in an EA/PA. The not coming home at all, coming home late, just too many red flags girl. Use that anger, channel it into the strength.
Sorry, he is cheating, but you know that. The fact that he won't acknowledge it and has gotten a pass at all the past betrayals have lulled him in a sense of security, because you take it and let things slide with confronting them.
Having gone through a similar thing years ago, I would kick him out. It's too disrespectful and the continued lies just make another child to take care of. You are being used. I'm sorry.
Well, he has been pretty consistent. It's funny how they have power over us to convince us that nothing is going on. Not really funny. I guess it is easy to believe because we want to believe it. The signs don't look good. They look all too familiar to me. I can't offer much advice, but it helps me to know I'm not alone in this painful situation. I'm sorry you are here.
I'm sorry too, Hurting. But there is comfort in knowing that there are people out there who know and understand, even if we only know them thru the computer.
All red flags. Coming home late from work every now and then no big deal, but most nights of the week, suspicious. Trust your intuition. Put a digital voice recorder (a voice activated one) in his car. you can always get a key logger for a cell phone, it just depends on what kind of phone he has, but you have to be able to access the phone to get in on there. He is cheating and it is just not a EA. You need to get the proof that you need. It is funny how they make us think we are the crazy ones. He wants you to think you are loosing your mind.
Keep quite about everything (it's hard I know.) until l you get enough solid proof that he can't denigh. If you confront without it it will be a lot harder to find anything, if at all.
Re: your thoughts on this 
This is what I am doing. I am biding my time to save up some money, get myself a car and maybe even move out of our house and into a new place. (we rent our house) Maybe I should ask him for an open marriage. Hey honey, since you're already seeing someone, how about if I do the same 
