Sakaye

To start off, I'd like to say that I'm not one of those women who dislikes porn (not that I watch it - used to with my hubby until he got weird about it). Initially when I found out my husband was looking at porn it was kind of a drop in my heart, because he swore and swore and swore that he hated it and never had the need for it. And this was when I was telling HIM that I didn't find a problem if he had to look at porn every once in a while. So that's why there was the drop. Its like I was telling him it was okay, and he did his best to convince me that it was something he despised and thought was disgusting and dirty. But then he forgot to clear the history on our computer and when I went to type in a web address, my drop box had a lot of "porn xxx" type stuff below it. He was totally busted. He apologized, but you know, he's a guy. I told him not to apologize for watching it, apologize to me for lying about it.

So, my question here, I guess, is at what point does casual porn looking become an addiction? or at least what are the signs? Anyone know. Recently my husband has started to join these sites and 'pay' for membership along with paying for downloads etc. Now, I don't have a problem with him browsing, but there was a flag that went up when I found 4 sites that he decided to register to. I only know this because he left his stupid emails open. He's always rushing off so he had the 4 different emails with his "thanks for joining, here's your password" msgs open.

Now, idk what to think. Its not like financially we have the money for him to be splurging on monthly memberships to porn sites etc. But its not just that. The thought is okay, so now he's going to pay to see "better" things (?), pay to download them, put them on his hard drive etc, and then what? What comes after that when it wears off, do men/women normally start looking for "adult friends" online to have actual encounters with (online or in person). I just want to know what I might expect from all this. Porn is one thing, but it seems that free porn is no longer enough.

My worry stems from the fact that we live in separate cities. Just convenience wise for now, my job, his job, kids etc, its best that way. I'm closer to all of our family and have all the kids. I understand his 'want' to watch it, but am worried it may be starting to branch out into something else.

Any suggestions or advice?

(I didn't know where to post this - I am not yet at the point where I feel like its infidelity (if there's such a point) and I just didn't know if I should post it here or in the Sex in Marriage thread)

Lazarus

You have a problem. First get checked out for STDs as a precaution. Do it now.

What are the Next steps on the rocky route to DDay via obsessive porn usage

1) H Register on site
2) Exchanges email addresses with others on porn site
3) Exchange Mobile numbers
4) EA
5) PA
6) Enter into your life turmoil and pain
7) Everything in your life turned upside


Women should be wary of a porn using husband and certainly not be to accepting of porn in the way that you have given him your acceptance...the green light.

Online porn viewed when you are not present can mean your man is not 100% present in your relationship. You are sharing his gentials, not as an exclusive couple, not even in a triangle with another woman (not yet) but, with multiple women on the internet.

With interactive webcams "membership" could be seen as nothing other than paying for sex i.e. prostitution. How would you know if the women receive a percentage of the "membership" if a ring is operating on a site owned by dodgy operators. All of this activity can be happening in your own home.

There are "membership" sites where one can find women where their photograph is super imposed on a google street map so one can easily find out if their neighbour in the next street is available for illicit trysts. Often the women don't know that this can be done with their uploaded photographs. All this done at the click of a mouse.

Some sites have been accused of prostitution rings operating within them. What better to mix in with the crowd with genuine people looking for a mate.

It is for this reason no woman should allow porn unless she is in total agreement knowing what can happen and in control of any online viewing. Addiction can easily follow. For some addicts, the interaction is very real just like star struck teenagers that become obsessed with their star. Your man may become obsessed with the activity too.

When a " membership" is paid it is for introductions so you have a problem. Either get a PI onto him or check it out urgently. Not all internet introductions are prostitute related but let's face it, it is much easier to get a "membership introduction" as opposed to trawling the streets looking for a particular hooker when it can be done in the comfort of one's home.


Seven charged with using Craigslist to run prostitution ring - Craigslist, porn - PC World Australia

'Adult Friend Finder'? Something tells me this isn't just porn. [Archive] - Straight Dope Message Board

Adult Friend Finder: Is It Really Involved In A Scam?

Start checking your telephone bills, cell bills and copy them and anything else that can provide proof before tackling the issue but be careful sexually until you know what you are dealing with.

You need to act swiftly to save your marriage; it may already be too late if his mind and body is elsewhere and you may already be on the path to dealing with the very painful journey of infidelity.

Bigwayneo

Or he is horny and wife is not around or is not in the mood to give any.......

__________________
"Is God willing to prevent evil, but not able? Then he is not omnipotent. Is he able, but not willing? Then he is malevolent. Is he both able and willing? Then whence cometh evil? Is he neither able nor willing? Then why call him God?"

Epicurus 341 BCE – 270 BCE

Married&Confused

holy crap!

how did you go from someone watching porn (and paying for it) to a full blown affair with std's?

yes his body and mind may be somewhere else. they live in different cities! why can't the guy watch porn and take care of his own sexual needs without the automatic assumption that the next stop is hookerville?

could you be any more controlling? does he have to restrict his masturbation to only when she says he can and then she has to listen on the phone?

if the marriage needs saving, they should figure out how to live in the same house.

Syrum

Men can masturbate without porn, and so can women. it's really not that difficult.

Porn is a huge problem and one of the top issues now being put before marriage counselors, It is not something that should be dismissed. It is as destructive as physical infidelity. I personally view it as being unfaithful and don't think there is anything wrong with asking men to not use porn, just as there is nothing wrong with expecting men not to cheat.

ladyybyrd

once_bitten

Boy, this is one that I can answer because I've been dealing with it for 15 years of my marriage. I just this last weekend posted about my husbands PA that I caught him in with his hands right in the cookie jar. I've listened to his begging and pleading that he loves me and wants to fix this. On my way to try to start healing I looked at the computer history in an attempt to give him credit, that I was not going to find anything. I wanted to find that he has been faithful at least where he has never been faithful in the past. Guess what? Two minutes into looking through the history I found 14 porn sites!!! I have not looked into his history in probably 2-3 years and have made it to where it clears out the history every 20 days to save room on the computer.

So, IMO, eventually the porn isn't enough. When that drug doesn't do it anymore, they go to the heavier drugs. So, yes porn does hurt!!

twotimeloser

Exactly.

Laz, that was so funny.. man. When i saw " GET TESTED FOR STD'S" I thought... "What is this guy doing, screwing the library computer?"

If you have a problem with porn, then you need to talk to him about that but I wouldnt get tested for digital herpes just yet. Start having some conversations about it. I mean no guy wants to explain why he is whacking uncle pete, but if he is not getting any of the goods, it shouldnt be rocket science.

I am a loyal spouse, so maybe we need some input from a porn watching cheater.

__________________
***Expectation is premeditated resentment***

HungUp

While I knew that some people thought porn was ok and some didn't, I never before realised how strong some peoples views were against it.

Only my opinion here - I think there is a big difference between viewing a bit of porn when the need arises with or without a partner being present, and paying for webcam sex and getting into the other paid for services. There's is plenty of free stuff which should satisfy most desires (I personally NEVER go online for porn).

I work away from home and I must confess I have needs even when I'm away from home. So does my wife (unfortunately she went a bit far - nothing to do with porn though!). While it is not a regular occurrence, we have put on a dvd for a bit of fun 'together' (a waste of time really as she barely gets past the introductions before she's all over me - much fun though!). She even has her favourite dvd for when I'm away, but of course she says she rarely watches it/them . I actually like the thought of her enjoying herself and if the porn adds to the thrill then so be it.

My point is, it's not only men who view porn. I've been asked by my married friends to borrow dvd's for their wifes to watch with them (not good when I give the wrong disks!). So is it right to label ALL porn wrong?

Edit: After re-reading I thought I'd better add that no, I do not have a vast library of porn, and I also do not enjoy anything which I cannot comfortably watch with my wife. She has access to ALL the disks I have (other than the ones my friends wifes won't return ).

Simon Phoenix

My view is rather simple; if you are paying for it, you have a problem. With all the free stuff out there on the net, there really is no reason for anyone to buy memberships for anything. And yes, webcams and the other kinky stuff is a bit much.

But if you are not paying for it and watching it because the S/O isn't in the mood to give you any, the person should not be condemned for it. But if live sex at home is being passed up for Memorex, that is an entirely different story..
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Chris Taylor

If you believe that 90% of men view porn, or use a more conservative estimate of 50%), you are implying that 50-90% of marriages are being destroyed because of it. I just can't make that leap of faith.

Even if we agree that it is a major issue in front of marriage counselors, you would have to convince me that porn is the issue and not a wife's intolerance of it and her controlling attitude that isn't the real issue.

Jamison

The real issue isn't porn anyway, its something more deeper going on in the relationship, especially those who prefer it to their spouses. Porn is a symptom, not the cause.

Syrum

You would have to convince me that the real issue isn't that men seem to think they have a right to buy women.

You would have to convince me that the issue isn't that men watch porn and then wonder why doesn't my wife measure up?

You would have to convince me that the women in porn look like the average woman and that most men would love it if their wives regularly and often secretively and dishonestly got hot and orgasmed over young men with giant penis's.

You would have to convince me that watching porn enhances the connection between people.

You would have to convince me that watching someone else naked doing things that only intimate partners should be doing together is a good thing.

You would have to convince me of and tell me the difference between prostitution and porn. As one is just prostitution filmed.

You would have to convince me that it's OK to commodify and buy and sell women.

You would have to convince me that no young women are taken advantage of or harmed/drugged/ abused in the making of porn.

You would have to convince me that porn makes men into better lovers and communicators.

You would have to convince me that women are of no consequence and their suffering doesn't matter.

You would have to convince me that you would be fine if your wife/ mother/ sister or daughter went into the porn industry or else that would make you a huge hypocrite.

You would have to convince me that after watching porn men do not compare their wives and lovers to what they have seen.

You would have to convince me that porn is harmless.

HungUp

Syrum

Have you ever heard of 'The Chippendales' and plenty other male groups?

Women are as capable of ogling young hunks aswell as men ogle beautiful women.
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Chris Taylor

Some of your points are valid, however with the number of men (and women) who view porn, I can't see how it can be blamed on the destruction of an equal number of marriages.