This is kind of a vent thread... not my usual style, but everyone gets pissed, right?
Even though we are doing ok, I still have a lot of days where I am reminded of the things that went on durring the first weeks of D-Day.
I got past the EA, the pictures.. the texts and emails after about a year, but what sticks with me the most.. the hardest thing that i have to dal with even to this day is the way she made me look stupid. That is what kills me...
So my question is, what is it that he or she did to make you feel really dumb??
Mine is this:
The EA was over the net.. so even though I knew this person, they were 2000 miles away. Anyways, his wife suspected HIM of cheating with someone (Neither of us knew it was my wife) and I actually called her on the phone and spent an hour calming her down trying to convince her that he wasnt cheating with anyone. I did all this, with my wife sitting right next to me. Of course later i found it was my wife.
Now that makes me feel stupid. Those are the things that keep poking at me over the years.
Anyone care to share, or get something off your chest? Anyone else deal with something like that, or am i the only one?
That OW was my facebook friend and read all my lovey notes to my husband and pictures I share of us and our children.
That I find out that I've been working my a** off upstairs in my office to make a measly paycheck but keep my benefits because he has a heart condition while he looks at porn.
That for years I've been at the other end of his delayed ejaculation feeling like I was doing something wrong and I was the reason he couldn't get satisfied when it was probably the said porn all along.
That at around 1:30 a.m. at the dance club I was talking to a friends mother who was bragging on him and what a wonderful guy he was and how much he loves me and how much he talks about me all the time and the kids, and I agreed, all the while he was in my truck with OW.
Stupid, stupid, stupid. I'm guessing whose feeling stupid now while he begs for his life back though staying wherever anybody will take him while his wife and kids are at home, seemingly doing okay without him. Guessing the porn and the OW have not that much to offer anymore.
I know just what you mean. My H had been talking to a past classmate who lived a few hours away - it bothered me and became more and more consistent, but I convinced myself it was nothing. She lived far away, what could happen? She would even say things to him about the two of us coming to visit, we would have a great time... I should have gone with my gut. They ended up having a one night stand while she was in town visiting family. Now I question everything all the time - not a great feeling.
This is more so with me...I guess I am working on this right now but what made me feel ahhhhhhhhhhh is the feeling of being ashamed or embarassed like I have to hide something. I did nothing wrong but I think the feeling over failure in a marriage and going over things over and over in your mind. Then saying it out loud is reality this is happening...happening to me..I think did I miss the memo or somethig what the heck happened? He still does not have a valid reason said I did nothing wrong he just has issues he has to work out and does not know why he sabotaged our marriage by doing this etc...
My H did this more than once so we have decided to divorce. Although the process is not easy at all because of the years together and the logistics you have to work.
What made me feel crazy was trusting and working through the first one for this to be put back in my face and questioning myself which impacted my self-esteem (as a woman & wife) trying to figure out things that did not feel right but he consistently was like we are fine will be okay etc... I can only be responsible for me and work on things I know about.
The bad thing is family members have taken this really hard...they said its a lost for everyone. Then that pisses me off when I think about how people can be so selfish in their acts and the heck with everyone else. Life lessons can be hard but I know in time I will grow from this.
When we had a tlak about her wanting a divorce. After about 4-6 hours of talking (and me asking several times if she had cheated), and for the last month asking my best friend/roommate if she was cheating and to help me what was wrong or what I could do to make things better to find out he was the ******* she ****ed around with, that everyone else in the building knew, and AFTER we decided to work things out we went out on a date, got home had killer sex just to have her 2 days later sext the ****er! ARGH
A side Rant about last night-She was super depressed all day (she has depression) feeling crazy low, guilty, etc, etc... So my mother took the kids, she got really sexy dressed up we went to dinner and all night she teased me about sex, rubbed against my crotch, metaphors, etc, etc..... got some liquor she likes, got home....She has a headache and passed out on the couch....**** is my self esteem down the tubes right now....a "headache". never stopped us before.
"Is God willing to prevent evil, but not able? Then he is not omnipotent. Is he able, but not willing? Then he is malevolent. Is he both able and willing? Then whence cometh evil? Is he neither able nor willing? Then why call him God?"
Epicurus 341 BCE – 270 BCE
Last edited by Bigwayneo; 04-02-2011 at 08:08 AM.
Reason: Edit to ADD
The last EA, I felt stupid because I never suspected anything. I trusted him too much. I just felt like a huge idiot.
This time, while I don't have solid proof there are too many red flags to ignore. I feel dumb for believing him for as long as I have. She lives across the country, in his hometown where his friends live. Our 10 year anniversary was at the beginning of November. We didn't have much money so we just got each other cards. 5 days later, he bought a plane ticket back to his hometown, and he hadn't been there in 6 years, and hello you could have bought me flowers with a bit of that money! 3 weeks later I find him in his truck in the middle of the night talking to her. I didn't make the connection at that point. Then, for some weird reason (maybe because I can't control another human being) I let him go. It probably turned physical at that point. He swore to me he didn't see her, but now I'm talking to his best friend and without saying the exact words he's let me know that my H did see her.
Then after V-day, I let my H have 5 days to go "find himself" and I paid for it with our tax return. I really think that she flew in for that and they had a rendezvous. He was nowhere to be found, didn't answer his phone, wouldn't prove to me where he was, took cash, so no paper trail, and had a story ready when he came back.
I feel dumb because sometimes I do tend to believe him. But everything is clicking into place. He doesn't talk to his closest friends about any of it or even his family, because he knows he's wrong. He won't go to MC because he knows they'd know. He's a screw up. I can't believe he'd leave us for what? She lives across the country. Would he seriously divorce me and then she coincidentally moves here? I don't get it.
When you start to feel stupid about something that happened while your spouse was cheating on you, stop. We live and learn. What I find stupid is deceiving and causing other people pain for selfish reasons. Smart people care about others and live their lives with integrity. Posted via Mobile Device
He invited me out saying we were going to have a romantic nigh tand I spent allllll day getting my hair done at het salon, a newn outfit, did my make up.
He said "I am taking you to the hottest club, Jelly." He kept saying how pretty I looked and doting on me, hanging all over me, kissing me, hugging me, etc. We had SO much fun, dancing all night, and it was the first time in our separation where he said he wanted to go to MC w/ me (after me asking him to go a jillion times) and said "I'm going to make this the best year ever--it can only get better." He knew some of the people who worked there. When we were leaving, someone who worked there told me they were closing one portion and was ushering folks out and I said "I am waiting for my husband" (he was in the bathroom) and hubs came out and he smiled at me saying that.
What an awesome night.
A few months later he sat me down and confessed he had cheated. When I asked her where he met her, he said he'd met her at the same place he took me that night.
THE SAME PLACE.
I asked him Why in the hell would he take me to the same exact place... Ugh.