Hi all am new on here and im not sure i have posted in the correct thread. Basically im going out my mind and i need some advice or something, i dont know really.
A little bit of background info for u, me and my wife have been with each other for 9 years now, married for 4 of those and we have 5 children, i work and my wife is a stay at home mom. Up until 2 years ago we had a very loving healthy relationship in every way. Like most relationships we had our fare share of arguments and ups and downs but we always came out of them stronger.
I do tend to worry quite alot and suffer from bouts of paranoia and jelousy i also have quite alot of self esteem issues and at times ive worried im not enough for my wife and that she would prefer someone else, this has caused quite alot of our issues over the years.
My suffers from depression which makes us clash at times and like alot of mums she doesnt really have an outlet away from home she doesnt have many friends she can see, ive always known she prefers male friends to female friends but she respects she cant get too close as she respects my worry and jelousy etc. I know its hard on her but likewise in return i would never get a close female friend as i know she wouldnt like it TBH. Ive tried being supportive of her depression but i know at times i have not been the best with it. At times she also been difficult to live with and can become quite unreasonable, but once again we have always managed to get thru the issues.
Like i said above my worry and jelousy causes some problems and one of those issues over the years is other mens intentions towards my wife as she is a very slim and attractive woman. I have a friend who i will call "bob" who is a bit of a rogue and over the years has slept with alot of his friends partners he has never done anything to me and was infact quite a good friend and became a very good friend to my wife (also need to add that bob is really into graffiti, big time, me and my wifer are not at all we hate it in fact) but due to my worrying and jelousy etc i have had moments where i have got worried about his intentions towards my wife and this has caused alot of arguments between us and put a strain on the freindship between the 3 of us. My wife has constantly reassured me i have no need to worry about him and despite my reservations they have got a close friendship.
2 years ago we had a couple of big arguments so things where on a rough patch anyway and my wife finally cracked and said she could not cope with my jelousy and worry over other men and bob anymore, and that after marrying me surely it is enough to prove to me where she wants to be, that im enough for her. She said she could no longer reassure me anymore. As hard as that was to hear i did understand and have made alot of effort to control my fears, ive not been perfect but im trying.
Things since then have been very up and down between us we are not as close as before in so many ways, physically and mentally, but we talk about things at times and we both agree we love each other very much and want us to work out.
4 mnths ago my old fears etc came back big time and my wife noticed this, she didnt say anything and didnt share my feelings with her because i did not want to cause arguments etc i got so worked up and i did something im not proud of, i snooped on her phone alot seeing if anything was going on, i dont know what i expected to find because despite my fears i do trust my wife and i never ever thought my wife would cheat it, it was more other peoples intentions and her being but in awkward situations, i know how much she loves me, i never did find anything. I was talking to bob alot at the time about how i was feeling and he was a great help.
Then it all kicked off, i was at work and found out she went to see bob for a cpl of hours and got really angry with her saying i didnt like her going up his place because i know what he can be like etc it caused huge rows and she told me she knows that ive been snooping on her etc because she set traps to catch me. We argued for days and nearly split up as alot of issues came out during the days things we both need to work on. But we have agreed we want to work it out and made some agreements, one of those me not being jelous of her time and her having some outlet/friends away from her home life, i fully agreed to this and since then am making effort where i can, once again i turned to bob during this stage and spoke to him and even cried with him over my relationship potentially ending.
3 mnths later things arent great still but we are getting there very slowly. A few days ago i did it again and looked on my wifes phone internet history and honeslty dont know why, i keep telling myself its because she doesnt share enough of her life with me and i wanted to see what she looks at etc, maybe subconsciously i had other reasons, i never expected to see what i saw.
Basically there was quite a few google searches sexually related, for example: "i want you to f**k me graffit style writing" " me graffiti style writing" there was also searches for "your mine" "be mine" and "a love you cant have". I cliked on one of the liks and it bought up google images, some of those was graffiti writing but i couldn't read them. When i saw these i naturally thought the worse and it seemed like my wife was looking for graffiti images saying what i said above, but why? We both hate graffiti so she wldnt be interested herself nor would she send them to me.
My mind was saying, maybe im wrong but that she wanted to send them to someone who was in to graffiti, we only know one person into graffiti, bob, with the "love u cant have" search, my mind was telling me something is going on (TBH most peoples would of done the same i think, please tell me if im wrong).
So rather than stewing on it or hiding what i had done i confronted my wife about it, i told her something is going on and its obvious, she shows me no sexual attention at all yet google searches full of sex things etc etc i said i need the truth and it is the only opportunity she has to be straight with me so we can work it out. She basically went very guilty looking and quiet, i asked is it something to do with bob and and after probing a bit she confessed that 3 mnths ago bob kissed her and she kissed him back and that they both regretted it immediately after and that nothing else has happened at all between them and that they are staying away from each other and not really close friends anymore. I asked what the google searches where about then and at that time she had no proper answer for me and then our children got up and we had to stop talking.
I went up bob's and confronted him and his only answers where ****y things like "trying my luck mate" and "im a c**t mate, trying my luck" he did kinda confirm that nothing else happened between them though i told him friendship is over no more contact with me and my wife by text phone or facebook.
All day went by, kids went to bed and my wife and i could finally talk. My wife is angry that i looked on her phone and wont beleive my reasons for doing it, which i understand based on my past behaviour, she just keeps saying i dont trust her. She has confirmed again nothing else happened between them and has sorta explained google searches saying they mean nothing it was just searches based on conversations she had with some people a couple of weeks, it seems fishy but ive gotta decide to believe her or not.
She tells me that bob feels bad about it as he truly values my friendship, yet his reaction to me was not someone who felt bad, i did not even get an apology from him.
Ive asked my wife would she have ever told me and her reply was "i dont know because it was bob and i know what trouble it would of caused" i cant beleive this im really struggling with this as she always said if anything ever happened like this she would tell me, yet she hasnt and it happened 3 mnths ago, she hasnt apologised once to me either, am i wrong to feel angry about this? Is a kiss cheating? she says it was a moment thing they where saying goodbye gave each other a hug and he kissed her and she kissed back and then they both realized they where in the wrong, but she didnt stop it or come and tell me, ive been shown no remorse from her at all and it hurts.
She doesnt seem to understand that i feel they have both betrayed me. Ive asked her can she promise if anything ever like this happened in future would she tell me, she stayed silent. I told her she can have no contact with him anymore and she said ok, i asked her has she deleted his number she said no, i said well you got to and she told me i cant order her about i said ordinarily i wouldn't but in this situation i have a right to, she doesnt agree with me and asked me if im giving her an ultimatum between me and a friendship with bob? I said yes and then asked what are u gonna choose to do she said she doesnt no yet, i cant beleive this either and dont know what to think.
I gave up talking after 5 hours and we went to bed separately and we have got up today and still nothing from her, granted kids are up still so maybe she will later but i doubt it, she seems to want to carry on like nothing happened at all. She isnt coming across as someone who feels bad and will do anything to make things right.
I dont know what to do next, what to think or how to act with her. I dont know wether to believe what she has said, after the kiss and then 3 mnths later finding those google searches, could anything else of happened between her and bob during these 3 mnths or was it leading to it? Should i forgive her? Surely im entitled to an apology and her at least trying to make things right?
Please can anyone offer me any advice or guidance i feel im at my wits end.........thanks guys for taking the time to read this.
A little bit of background info for u, me and my wife have been with each other for 9 years now, married for 4 of those and we have 5 children, i work and my wife is a stay at home mom. Up until 2 years ago we had a very loving healthy relationship in every way. Like most relationships we had our fare share of arguments and ups and downs but we always came out of them stronger.
I do tend to worry quite alot and suffer from bouts of paranoia and jelousy i also have quite alot of self esteem issues and at times ive worried im not enough for my wife and that she would prefer someone else, this has caused quite alot of our issues over the years.
My suffers from depression which makes us clash at times and like alot of mums she doesnt really have an outlet away from home she doesnt have many friends she can see, ive always known she prefers male friends to female friends but she respects she cant get too close as she respects my worry and jelousy etc. I know its hard on her but likewise in return i would never get a close female friend as i know she wouldnt like it TBH. Ive tried being supportive of her depression but i know at times i have not been the best with it. At times she also been difficult to live with and can become quite unreasonable, but once again we have always managed to get thru the issues.
Like i said above my worry and jelousy causes some problems and one of those issues over the years is other mens intentions towards my wife as she is a very slim and attractive woman. I have a friend who i will call "bob" who is a bit of a rogue and over the years has slept with alot of his friends partners he has never done anything to me and was infact quite a good friend and became a very good friend to my wife (also need to add that bob is really into graffiti, big time, me and my wifer are not at all we hate it in fact) but due to my worrying and jelousy etc i have had moments where i have got worried about his intentions towards my wife and this has caused alot of arguments between us and put a strain on the freindship between the 3 of us. My wife has constantly reassured me i have no need to worry about him and despite my reservations they have got a close friendship.
2 years ago we had a couple of big arguments so things where on a rough patch anyway and my wife finally cracked and said she could not cope with my jelousy and worry over other men and bob anymore, and that after marrying me surely it is enough to prove to me where she wants to be, that im enough for her. She said she could no longer reassure me anymore. As hard as that was to hear i did understand and have made alot of effort to control my fears, ive not been perfect but im trying.
Things since then have been very up and down between us we are not as close as before in so many ways, physically and mentally, but we talk about things at times and we both agree we love each other very much and want us to work out.
4 mnths ago my old fears etc came back big time and my wife noticed this, she didnt say anything and didnt share my feelings with her because i did not want to cause arguments etc i got so worked up and i did something im not proud of, i snooped on her phone alot seeing if anything was going on, i dont know what i expected to find because despite my fears i do trust my wife and i never ever thought my wife would cheat it, it was more other peoples intentions and her being but in awkward situations, i know how much she loves me, i never did find anything. I was talking to bob alot at the time about how i was feeling and he was a great help.
Then it all kicked off, i was at work and found out she went to see bob for a cpl of hours and got really angry with her saying i didnt like her going up his place because i know what he can be like etc it caused huge rows and she told me she knows that ive been snooping on her etc because she set traps to catch me. We argued for days and nearly split up as alot of issues came out during the days things we both need to work on. But we have agreed we want to work it out and made some agreements, one of those me not being jelous of her time and her having some outlet/friends away from her home life, i fully agreed to this and since then am making effort where i can, once again i turned to bob during this stage and spoke to him and even cried with him over my relationship potentially ending.
3 mnths later things arent great still but we are getting there very slowly. A few days ago i did it again and looked on my wifes phone internet history and honeslty dont know why, i keep telling myself its because she doesnt share enough of her life with me and i wanted to see what she looks at etc, maybe subconsciously i had other reasons, i never expected to see what i saw.
Basically there was quite a few google searches sexually related, for example: "i want you to f**k me graffit style writing" " me graffiti style writing" there was also searches for "your mine" "be mine" and "a love you cant have". I cliked on one of the liks and it bought up google images, some of those was graffiti writing but i couldn't read them. When i saw these i naturally thought the worse and it seemed like my wife was looking for graffiti images saying what i said above, but why? We both hate graffiti so she wldnt be interested herself nor would she send them to me.
My mind was saying, maybe im wrong but that she wanted to send them to someone who was in to graffiti, we only know one person into graffiti, bob, with the "love u cant have" search, my mind was telling me something is going on (TBH most peoples would of done the same i think, please tell me if im wrong).
So rather than stewing on it or hiding what i had done i confronted my wife about it, i told her something is going on and its obvious, she shows me no sexual attention at all yet google searches full of sex things etc etc i said i need the truth and it is the only opportunity she has to be straight with me so we can work it out. She basically went very guilty looking and quiet, i asked is it something to do with bob and and after probing a bit she confessed that 3 mnths ago bob kissed her and she kissed him back and that they both regretted it immediately after and that nothing else has happened at all between them and that they are staying away from each other and not really close friends anymore. I asked what the google searches where about then and at that time she had no proper answer for me and then our children got up and we had to stop talking.
I went up bob's and confronted him and his only answers where ****y things like "trying my luck mate" and "im a c**t mate, trying my luck" he did kinda confirm that nothing else happened between them though i told him friendship is over no more contact with me and my wife by text phone or facebook.
All day went by, kids went to bed and my wife and i could finally talk. My wife is angry that i looked on her phone and wont beleive my reasons for doing it, which i understand based on my past behaviour, she just keeps saying i dont trust her. She has confirmed again nothing else happened between them and has sorta explained google searches saying they mean nothing it was just searches based on conversations she had with some people a couple of weeks, it seems fishy but ive gotta decide to believe her or not.
She tells me that bob feels bad about it as he truly values my friendship, yet his reaction to me was not someone who felt bad, i did not even get an apology from him.
Ive asked my wife would she have ever told me and her reply was "i dont know because it was bob and i know what trouble it would of caused" i cant beleive this im really struggling with this as she always said if anything ever happened like this she would tell me, yet she hasnt and it happened 3 mnths ago, she hasnt apologised once to me either, am i wrong to feel angry about this? Is a kiss cheating? she says it was a moment thing they where saying goodbye gave each other a hug and he kissed her and she kissed back and then they both realized they where in the wrong, but she didnt stop it or come and tell me, ive been shown no remorse from her at all and it hurts.
She doesnt seem to understand that i feel they have both betrayed me. Ive asked her can she promise if anything ever like this happened in future would she tell me, she stayed silent. I told her she can have no contact with him anymore and she said ok, i asked her has she deleted his number she said no, i said well you got to and she told me i cant order her about i said ordinarily i wouldn't but in this situation i have a right to, she doesnt agree with me and asked me if im giving her an ultimatum between me and a friendship with bob? I said yes and then asked what are u gonna choose to do she said she doesnt no yet, i cant beleive this either and dont know what to think.
I gave up talking after 5 hours and we went to bed separately and we have got up today and still nothing from her, granted kids are up still so maybe she will later but i doubt it, she seems to want to carry on like nothing happened at all. She isnt coming across as someone who feels bad and will do anything to make things right.
I dont know what to do next, what to think or how to act with her. I dont know wether to believe what she has said, after the kiss and then 3 mnths later finding those google searches, could anything else of happened between her and bob during these 3 mnths or was it leading to it? Should i forgive her? Surely im entitled to an apology and her at least trying to make things right?
Please can anyone offer me any advice or guidance i feel im at my wits end.........thanks guys for taking the time to read this.