Like everyone else's story this may be lengthy. Been married 23 years this past June, 3 kids who live at home, but grown (21, 20, 18). It was tough being married to my hubby probably for 17 years, he was intimidating (in your face, a bit physical yet) and he acknowledges this and is disgusted by it and yes, has changed his behavior. In June we had a talk, I caught on-line porn behavior. Marriages can get in ruts. My dad died early July, after his funeral my hubby and I visited a strip club for the first time. It was kind of exciting, I will admit. However, my hubby seemed like he enjoyed it a little "too" much. When we got back, I noticed his "chatting" seemed to be a bit "too" much as well. I spoke to him about it, how it made me feel, insecure, unattractive, unwanted. He said he would stop. He did for a week, maybe. I caught him again, he apologized, however, it was such a turn-off for me. As of today, we haven't had sex in 5 weeks (got an IUD 3 weeks ago and it's not so far been a good experience). Well... I did notice the online stuff had stopped, until last Tuesday. He was on his laptop more than usual, which he attributed to his fantasy football (a wife knows better than that). I went to get on his laptop on Weds and he changed the password. Then on Friday he said he couldn't take me out on Saturday for lunch (we have had a standing date as I work on Sat) because he was stressed about money. Which was odd to me. Then he said how about earlier like breakfast. Again, I thought was odd. On Friday night I got his laptop powered up, guessed at a password and he's too predictable as I was able to get in and log on. Well, he had been looking at "escorts" and such on craigslist and had asked about 10 women if they had any appts on Sat. I was a bit shocked! He came and took me out early and looked nice, as usual. However, I texted him about 11:45, no response, 12:00 no response, called him about 12:45 no response. He returns my call at 1:00 and said he left his phone in the other room (yea, right). I ran to store, recorded it in the check register where he had written in from that day a cash withdrawal for $150. Funny for a guy freakin out about money the day before. I questioned him about it, it went into his football kitty that he owed, although he is in control so it's in his lockbox. Later, I got the key he doesn't know I know the location of and looked, well there was $105 in it and there had been $155 two days prior, so if he put $150 in it, there should have been $305. Also when he called me at 1 he said his shirt bothered him and he had gotten into more comfy clothes. Funny, the shirt was shoved into the hamper, not on top. Next day doin laundry, I noticed he had semen in his boxers. Other part of story, he has a hard time ejaculating cuz of meds he takes, and he does take VIAGRA, which I also noted 2 pills were missing, not from being with me either. Later Sat nite I asked him about the money, the response was above. So I lied and said one of my friends saw him out during the day, where was he. He said it wasn't him. I don't want to tell him I snooped and know his code or the key. He's acting all sweet and nice. I don't think he had sex, but I believe that maybe everything else went on except that. He has never been a liar and to me he just seems so obvious, although he won't admit it. I think he feels relieved I dropped it. However, today I am going to bring it back up and let him know my friend was insistent it was him due to his bumpersticker on his truck. I'm not sure if that's the right thing or not. I don't really know if I want to stay married, I just have to know. ANy advice?? Thanks for listening and sorry so long!
i agree with your detective work, i did it myself . you have done some work already. but unfortunately this is your call, the money is going missing , lieing . i really think there is alot more going on .
the thing is here - the more money goes missing , he could put you in financial strife. my ex did.
the more he lies - he wil just stay that way and the more he feels like you have dropped it, is a way that makes him think your none the wiser.
i think you have to go with your gut instinct here. you may not catch him, but you know whats really going on.
i had only instinct on my ex - but i was right . i had to follow him one night and there was my answer.
2nd hubby (april - one night stand) again it was all instinct and i was right again . only this time i went to the pubs he had been and found out from ppl.
dig a little deeper. take a day of work - i remember i phoned in sick , i just had to , to follow him. or get someone else.
but its also how long you want this to continue. its not easy your situation.
Well, he had been looking at "escorts" and such on craigslist and had asked about 10 women if they had any appts on Sat.
With everything else you were able to look into and this, too many red flags to even think otherwise. I think you're wise by keeping a low profile with what you've found until you know for sure what you plan to do because based on what you've already said he will deny it all until the cows come home. If it were me, my biggest concern would be avoiding sex with him since you have no idea what he's really been doing.
What are you thinking you will do as far as your marriage is concerned?
I'm really sorry you are going through this. I can relate, as I suspect my husband has been or is involved in sexual affairs.
I agree with the pp who said to avoid sex until you find out for sure what happened because it sounds like your husband was involved in some type of sexual activity that day, and you dont want to put yourself at risk. I mean why else would there be missing Viagra pills, missing money, him voluntarily telling you he had to change shirts in the middle of the day, semen in his shorts?
Again, i'm really sorry you are going through this. I know how consuming and crazy something like this makes you. I have become completely obsessed with my husband's daily activities and whereabouts and it's exhausting! Good luck to you and know that we're here anytime you need to vent.
Thank you for your words of wisdom! The funny thing is, my hubby never really does much except for golf with the guys and it's all accounted for. Unfortunately for me, all the kids were gone on Sat so I can't tell him I came home, just in case I'm wrong, which I know I'm not. I believe it was a one-time thing. I think he is feeling great remorse and is very afraid of losing me. He said he felt like he was at one time. It's just so confusing! I want to make him tell me, back him into a corner, on the other hand, I want it to be over with, although I just don't think I want him touching me knowing a few days ago someone else was all over him and he all over someone else. I have a feeling he didn't have sex, just maybe everything but, which is still cheating. I would never go and be alone with another man in a room, things happen. However, he solicited it and knew what he was doing. I also noticed he didn't sleep well on Friday or Saturday nights. Anyway, thanks for letting me vent. This isn't something I can talk to anyone about, except thankfully I found this site!! It feels good to get it out in the open. I realize I have been deceitful in snooping, however, had he not acted funny I never would have. I also can't get onto our online banking to see what the $150 transaction was, cash or a transaction. I may call them, but I will sound like an idiot. Although, I suspect a lot of mistrusting spouses have called to find out the same. Thanks again, I appreciate your advice!
I figure you have two choices - both with ups and downs. You need to figure out which way works best for you.
1. Confront him with it, and make him a partner in crime.
Tell him you were snooping in his computer because he was acting so strange. Tell him you love him but it was very obvious what he was up to. Tell him that you know he probably either went out with an escort or planned on it. Tell him what you found in the laundry. I wouldn't do it in an angry way tho - I'd ask him, so was she fun? what did you feel about it? do about it? what did you want to do? how would you like me to dress up and play the ***** for you sometime? If you can make him a partner in crime, he'll either drop it or bring you into his world. I'd tell him about the money, everything. If nothing else, he'll be VERY worried about doing it again and getting caught. If he knows you understand his need for some 'excitement' but will not put up with him keeping secrets he will drop the escort stuff.
Heck, offer to work for half price
He's probably being nice now because he feels guilty. But as soon as he figures he's 'gotten away with it' he'll do it again.
2. Keep tabs but don't confront him on it.
You will end up watching him, maybe for months to make sure he isn't doing anything. Since he has told you about being concerned about money, this is the perfect time to agree with him! Tell him you will keep track of everything from now on. Give him an allowance and make him bring you receipts. Keep all the budget etc. Hey, he was the one concerned about money, right?
This will make you a bit paranoid, suspicious of him being nice, suspicious of him being gone etc. It will build up evidence for a divorce.
Frankly, I'd choose option one.
"Hi honey, I've noticed you've been worried about money. Perhaps your escorts on craigslist might be straining our budget? How would you like to handle that?" Then smile
While there is a lot of circumstantial evidence here there is no confession nor solid proof. I’m not saying something didn’t happen, there is a good chance it did but I would caution you to not let too many little things get overblown into something that may not have happened. I would also not lie in order to prove your point. A marriage in trouble needs trust on both sides. I believe you should confront him with your suspicions. If you don’t it will likely fester and escalate. I agree do not have sex with him until this has been resolved to your satisfaction. If he did have sex he and you both need to be tested. So sorry to hear this, good luck
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While there is a lot of circumstantial evidence here there is no confession nor solid proof. I’m not saying something didn’t happen, there is a good chance it did but I would caution you to not let too many little things get overblown into something that may not have happened. I would also not lie in order to prove your point. A marriage in trouble needs trust on both sides. I believe you should confront him with your suspicions. If you don’t it will likely fester and escalate. I agree do not have sex with him until this has been resolved to your satisfaction. If he did have sex he and you both need to be tested. So sorry to hear this, good luck
Knowing the truth
