My wife of 15 years cheated on me.
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Coping with Infidelity Relationship recovery from the destructiveness of infidelity.

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Old 04-04-2011, 12:17 PM   #1 (permalink)
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Default My wife of 15 years cheated on me.

All my dreams, hopes and aspirations have been shattered after I discovered that my wife had a full blown affair for over 2 years with a close family friend.

We have been married for 15 years but have loved each other since we were 16. We have two wonderfull boys and have had the perfect life thus far (or so I thought). A nice home in the suburbs, nice car, good jobs and great family and freinds. Life couldn't be any better. We loved each other dearly andsure we had our ups and downs it was nothing out of the ordinary.
About 7 years ago we met a new couple (lets call them Steve and Susan) and we shared so much in common that we became great friends. We started going on vacations together and went over to each others houses for BBQ's and dinners. Everything was fine.

About a year into our friendship I started to notice little things like my wife was acting more flirty with Steve. Now Steve was always a bit of a flirt and a ladies man and he spoke that way with most women. I always wondered why Sue was never bothered by this behaviour but I never put much thought into it since it was none of my business. But it was wierd seeing my wife acting like that with him. I asked her about it a few times but she blew me off by saying she just found him "funny" and that I shouldn’t be so suspecting. Steve is not a good looking guy and certainly not my wife’s type so I dropped it and didn’t let it bother me.

After the birth of our second child (5 years ago), my wife decided not to go back to work and so I became the sole bread winner. This was a joint decision and since I was earning a good salary I though it would be good for her to raise our second child herself. However, I started noticing that she was paying less attention to me and there was a lack of intimacy between us. I chalked this up to having a baby and moved along. During this period, Steve and Sue were always there and Steve would always call my wife to ask how she was doing and they talked and laughed for ages. I thought this was inappropriate and confronted her about it. She said that she is bored at home and she and Steve are good friends and I have nothing to be concerned about. She convinced me that talking to Steve and him making her laugh was actually helping her depression and would put her in a good mood. The funny thing it I confronted Sue about this and she also felt I was reading way too much into this and that they were “all friends.” I was out numbered 3 to 1 and started feeling that maybe I was acting unreasonably.

Then two years ago I got the first bombshell. I was suspicious for months but when she left her cell phone lying around I decided to snoop and discovered about 6 intimate text messages from the two of them. I confronted her immediately and after initially denying everything she came clean and said she was having an “emotional affair” with Steve and there was nothing physical. I didn’t believe her and we had a huge fight. The texts were very sexual in nature but there was no implication that they had sex or were physically intimate. She said she got carried away in this “fantasy” and promised to stop all contact with him and Sue. I confronted Steve as well and he was very apologetic and said that he also got carried away and promised me he loved his wife and kids (yes they had 2 kids as well) and would not do anything to hurt her. He asked me not to tell Sue but I said that she had a right to know. Sue was naturally upset and agreed that we should stop hanging out. For about 4 months we had no contact with them and she appeared remorseful and wanted us to move on. I sensed that we were more intimate and that this chapter was over.

I then made the biggest mistake of my life and will regret this forever – I brought them back into our lives. Sue contacted me and said that Steve was very remorseful and really wanted us to be friends again. My wife also wanted to continue the friendship and promised me that he was not her type and she didn’t even find him physically attractive. She was just goofing around with him and promised me that she has learnt a lot and will never do anything to jeopardize our marriage. For some stupid reason I believed her. I also believed Sue especially when she said that she will keep a close eye on Steve. Our friendship resumed and now my wife was closer to Sue and this was fine with me. From what I could tell, Steve never called her again and the only time they saw each other was when we all went out together.

And then my life turned upside down 3 weeks ago. I started to suspect something was up because my wife was again less intimate with me and she also started going to the gym all the time for the last 6 months. She told me she joined to get in shape but she always had a great shape and has never been the gym type. Our sex life was not great either. So one night when she was sleeping I went into her cell phone again but found nothing. I then logged into her email account and there is was. Hundred’s of emails from him and her responses. I was trembling with shock!! They were having a full blown affair. He was booking hotel rooms and she was using the “gym” as an excuse to get away. She couldn’t even deny it this time. She just burst out crying and begged me to forgive her. I told her to get the hell out of my house and she has now moved out and into her parent’s home. I told Sue as well and she was mortified as well. I’m not sure what to do?

I’m so angry at her but also at myself for being so stupid. I loved her dearly and made sure she had everything she ever wanted in life. In return all I got was a huge betrayal. I am crying all the time and I’m so hurt that words cannot describe what I’m feeling. I really feel sorry for my kids and for their sake I may even take her back but I just can’t get over the betrayal. Since then I have spoken to her a few times when she has come over but it has been very difficult to keep my anger in check. She cannot explain why she did it and that is killing me. She keeps saying it wasn’t me and that I was perfect but instead it was her and she got swayed by all his “sweet talking” and “attention.” She says she loves me and wants to be with me but how can I be with her again?

Those emails have burnt a hole in my brain and I just can’t get them out of my mind. In one email she said that she loves him so much and that no one has ever loved her the way he has. In another she talks about how she is dying to “ride him” and can’t wait to suck his “d**K.” They talk about how to move out together and how to break the news slowly to the family. Totally gut wrenching stuff!!

I’ve told her that she‘s free to live with him now, but she said she doesn’t want him and keeps saying she was just in some fantasy world. It’s just so confusing. I’m not sure what I will do but my heart is broken forever.

Any advise on how to get over this would be much appreciated.
Just wanted to get this off my chest. Thanks for reading.
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Old 04-04-2011, 12:35 PM   #2 (permalink)
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Default Re: My wife of 15 years cheated on me.

Right now the only thing you need to know is---no matter what you do decide---your wife has to be accountable for knowingly wrecking the innocent lives of 2 betrayed spouses and 4 kids----she just doesn't get to walk away from this

You need to iniate a hard 180, and stay away from her till you do decide your future---protect your kids, she may be a good mother, but she knew what she was doing when she intentionally wrecked their future
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Old 04-04-2011, 12:53 PM   #3 (permalink)
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Default Re: My wife of 15 years cheated on me.

Thanks for your reply. I'm totally new here so can you tell me what is a 180?
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Old 04-04-2011, 12:53 PM   #4 (permalink)
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Default Re: My wife of 15 years cheated on me.

Well that really sucks, I can identify with you and if its any consolation you have helped me make a decision about my own situation. I think there first time you can forgive, she showed remorse and you gave her a 2nd chance. Unfortunately, she was proved that she didn't learn from her mistake and based on that its unlikely that she will learn from this one.

I think you know there is no future here, the length of time between events and the fact she was so good at hiding it speak volumes for the type of person she is.
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Old 04-04-2011, 01:00 PM   #5 (permalink)
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Default Re: My wife of 15 years cheated on me.

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Originally Posted by Shane View Post
All my dreams, hopes and aspirations have been shattered after I discovered that my wife had a full blown affair for over 2 years with a close family friend.

We have been married for 15 years but have loved each other since we were 16. We have two wonderfull boys and have had the perfect life thus far (or so I thought). A nice home in the suburbs, nice car, good jobs and great family and freinds. Life couldn't be any better. We loved each other dearly andsure we had our ups and downs it was nothing out of the ordinary.
About 7 years ago we met a new couple (lets call them Steve and Susan) and we shared so much in common that we became great friends. We started going on vacations together and went over to each others houses for BBQ's and dinners. Everything was fine.

About a year into our friendship I started to notice little things like my wife was acting more flirty with Steve. Now Steve was always a bit of a flirt and a ladies man and he spoke that way with most women. I always wondered why Sue was never bothered by this behaviour but I never put much thought into it since it was none of my business. But it was wierd seeing my wife acting like that with him. I asked her about it a few times but she blew me off by saying she just found him "funny" and that I shouldn’t be so suspecting. Steve is not a good looking guy and certainly not my wife’s type so I dropped it and didn’t let it bother me.

After the birth of our second child (5 years ago), my wife decided not to go back to work and so I became the sole bread winner. This was a joint decision and since I was earning a good salary I though it would be good for her to raise our second child herself. However, I started noticing that she was paying less attention to me and there was a lack of intimacy between us. I chalked this up to having a baby and moved along. During this period, Steve and Sue were always there and Steve would always call my wife to ask how she was doing and they talked and laughed for ages. I thought this was inappropriate and confronted her about it. She said that she is bored at home and she and Steve are good friends and I have nothing to be concerned about. She convinced me that talking to Steve and him making her laugh was actually helping her depression and would put her in a good mood. The funny thing it I confronted Sue about this and she also felt I was reading way too much into this and that they were “all friends.” I was out numbered 3 to 1 and started feeling that maybe I was acting unreasonably.

Then two years ago I got the first bombshell. I was suspicious for months but when she left her cell phone lying around I decided to snoop and discovered about 6 intimate text messages from the two of them. I confronted her immediately and after initially denying everything she came clean and said she was having an “emotional affair” with Steve and there was nothing physical. I didn’t believe her and we had a huge fight. The texts were very sexual in nature but there was no implication that they had sex or were physically intimate. She said she got carried away in this “fantasy” and promised to stop all contact with him and Sue. I confronted Steve as well and he was very apologetic and said that he also got carried away and promised me he loved his wife and kids (yes they had 2 kids as well) and would not do anything to hurt her. He asked me not to tell Sue but I said that she had a right to know. Sue was naturally upset and agreed that we should stop hanging out. For about 4 months we had no contact with them and she appeared remorseful and wanted us to move on. I sensed that we were more intimate and that this chapter was over.

I then made the biggest mistake of my life and will regret this forever – I brought them back into our lives. Sue contacted me and said that Steve was very remorseful and really wanted us to be friends again. My wife also wanted to continue the friendship and promised me that he was not her type and she didn’t even find him physically attractive. She was just goofing around with him and promised me that she has learnt a lot and will never do anything to jeopardize our marriage. For some stupid reason I believed her. I also believed Sue especially when she said that she will keep a close eye on Steve. Our friendship resumed and now my wife was closer to Sue and this was fine with me. From what I could tell, Steve never called her again and the only time they saw each other was when we all went out together.

And then my life turned upside down 3 weeks ago. I started to suspect something was up because my wife was again less intimate with me and she also started going to the gym all the time for the last 6 months. She told me she joined to get in shape but she always had a great shape and has never been the gym type. Our sex life was not great either. So one night when she was sleeping I went into her cell phone again but found nothing. I then logged into her email account and there is was. Hundred’s of emails from him and her responses. I was trembling with shock!! They were having a full blown affair. He was booking hotel rooms and she was using the “gym” as an excuse to get away. She couldn’t even deny it this time. She just burst out crying and begged me to forgive her. I told her to get the hell out of my house and she has now moved out and into her parent’s home. I told Sue as well and she was mortified as well. I’m not sure what to do?

I’m so angry at her but also at myself for being so stupid. I loved her dearly and made sure she had everything she ever wanted in life. In return all I got was a huge betrayal. I am crying all the time and I’m so hurt that words cannot describe what I’m feeling. I really feel sorry for my kids and for their sake I may even take her back but I just can’t get over the betrayal. Since then I have spoken to her a few times when she has come over but it has been very difficult to keep my anger in check. She cannot explain why she did it and that is killing me. She keeps saying it wasn’t me and that I was perfect but instead it was her and she got swayed by all his “sweet talking” and “attention.” She says she loves me and wants to be with me but how can I be with her again?

Those emails have burnt a hole in my brain and I just can’t get them out of my mind. In one email she said that she loves him so much and that no one has ever loved her the way he has. In another she talks about how she is dying to “ride him” and can’t wait to suck his “d**K.” They talk about how to move out together and how to break the news slowly to the family. Totally gut wrenching stuff!!

I’ve told her that she‘s free to live with him now, but she said she doesn’t want him and keeps saying she was just in some fantasy world. It’s just so confusing. I’m not sure what I will do but my heart is broken forever.

Any advise on how to get over this would be much appreciated.
Just wanted to get this off my chest. Thanks for reading.
I am sorry that this happened. And, I don't know if I even have words to help you get through this. I will say that taking her back "for the sake of the kids" sounds noble but is ultimately not a good move. Kids are not stupid and will eventually know that their parents are in a toxic relationship. Also, if she cheats on you again (and brings you home an STD), your kids could lose their mother and their father. Yeah, that might sound extreme but please believe that it could happen. If you choose to take her back, do so because that's what YOU want to do. If you choose to not take her back, just know that things will eventually get better. As far as getting over it, a person once said that sometimes "the only way out is through". You will just have to go through it but you can. Good luck.
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Old 04-04-2011, 01:20 PM   #6 (permalink)
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Dude, read my post. I WAS in the same boat. I decided to leave the relationship. Reading your post just got me totally upset again- WHY? The double-betrayal thing really burns me up, not that I'd be more comfortable if she was ****ing some random guy, but for two people that you trusted to totally betray your trust: just disgusting. Not everybody is the same, so now you have to decide if you can weather the storm. Good luck. PM me if you to talk further.
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Old 04-04-2011, 02:28 PM   #7 (permalink)
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****, man, I'm sorry. That's an emotional AND physical affair right in your face. I would be on my way to beat the **** out of "Steve." I know you're hurt, but don't let your "heart" get in the way of what really happened, man. It's over, bro. Beat his ASS!
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Old 04-04-2011, 02:43 PM   #8 (permalink)
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****, man, I'm sorry. That's an emotional AND physical affair right in your face. I would be on my way to beat the **** out of "Steve." I know you're hurt, but don't let your "heart" get in the way of what really happened, man. It's over, bro. Beat his ASS!
I've thought of that many times but what's the point? He'll charge me with assualt and there goes any hope of getting the kids. Besides, i know this may sound weird but i'm not as upset at him as I am at the wife. It was her I trusted not him. She put everything thing at stake and ruined my life in the process and she can't even tell me why.
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Old 04-04-2011, 02:52 PM   #9 (permalink)
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Default Re: My wife of 15 years cheated on me.

1st your beef is with your wife, not the guy she cheated with---yes he had much to do with what happened, BUT your wife is the one who took vows with you---I am hoping the last poster is not stupid enuff to want you to follow what he says literally and end up in jail for battery.---It is your wife who did this to you

The 180 is basically where you acknowledge your wife exists, and you can discuss things that need to be handled, in re: kids, finances, everyday living---but beyond that she gets nothing of you---you show her you can live life just fine w/out her---you start to have a life of your own, and let her see what she is about to lose

As to your wife---unfortunately IMHO---the 1st time you cheated---I think you let your wife off way to easy---so she figured you took her back then w/out any big consequences--so why not cheat again---He will do nothing if i get caught again

Your wife says she loves you, and she wants to keep the mge., going and make amends----that is one line of pure bullcrap
If you hadn't caught her and "outed her" this A. would still be going on
She has looked you in the eyes for how long now night after night and lied to you that everything was fine, and she was just going to workout---etc---all the while decieving you, manipulating you, lying to you---what your wife is SHE IS A CONNIVING CHEATER---who really could care less about you---you are a financial stable money providing doormat to her

What really is terrible that she knowingly has now put the lives of her children into a future of hell for them---they will either live in a home where there is distrust, no love, enmity, constant fighting---or they will be passed back and forth---that is the legacy she has given her own flesh and blood children

She says she loves you, and wants to make this right---please do not believe this for one minute---her is what she is REALLY looking at--she is looking at being a divorced single mother with young children--she is looking at having to hold down probably 2 jobs, she is looking at having to pay all her own bills, and financing her life on her own---and she is looking at having the reputationout in the puiblic eye--of being a 2 timing cheating woman who is divorced with young kids-----she is not gonna find a decent man with that label on her, and she knows it---all she will get is badboys who want to screw her and that's it----she is looking at a horrible, lonely, dreary life, without a decent man in it---and that scares the crap out her her

But you know what that is what she deserves---You need to move on with your head high
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Old 04-04-2011, 02:53 PM   #10 (permalink)
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Dude, read my post. I WAS in the same boat. I decided to leave the relationship. Reading your post just got me totally upset again- WHY? The double-betrayal thing really burns me up, not that I'd be more comfortable if she was ****ing some random guy, but for two people that you trusted to totally betray your trust: just disgusting. Not everybody is the same, so now you have to decide if you can weather the storm. Good luck. PM me if you to talk further.
I did read your post and totally feel for you as well. Our situations are very similar. I'm not sure if you have kids, but this is the only thing that's holding me back from getting rid of her. Not sure how I will weather the storm though. I'm going through a whole host of emotions that I have never felt before such as extreme anger and self pity.

WhenI asked her why she betrayed me a second time especially when i forgave her the first time, she cannot answer and just states that this time she really means it. Can you believe her!
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Old 04-04-2011, 02:55 PM   #11 (permalink)
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Default Re: My wife of 15 years cheated on me.

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Beat his ASS!
That would feel good in the moment. Believe me, I have had that thought many times. I was just thinking last night about putting a punching bag in the garage because it would feel good to hit something. However, it would not solve anything and just bring more trouble.

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Besides, i know this may sound weird but i'm not as upset at him as I am at the wife. It was her I trusted not him. She put everything thing at stake and ruined my life in the process and she can't even tell me why.
You didn't marry Steve. He didn't take a vow to be committed to you. Your wife did. That doesn't sound weird. It sounds wise. That has been one of my problems. I can't hardly mention OM without some cuss words thrown in somewhere. That probably alienates my wife more than anything. It's easy to hate the other man and want to beat the heck out of him. At least for me. It takes wisdom to feel the way you do.
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Old 04-04-2011, 02:58 PM   #12 (permalink)
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Default Re: My wife of 15 years cheated on me.

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1st your beef is with your wife, not the guy she cheated with---yes he had much to do with what happened, BUT your wife is the one who took vows with you---I am hoping the last poster is not stupid enuff to want you to follow what he says literally and end up in jail for battery.---It is your wife who did this to you

The 180 is basically where you acknowledge your wife exists, and you can discuss things that need to be handled, in re: kids, finances, everyday living---but beyond that she gets nothing of you---you show her you can live life just fine w/out her---you start to have a life of your own, and let her see what she is about to lose

As to your wife---unfortunately IMHO---the 1st time you cheated---I think you let your wife off way to easy---so she figured you took her back then w/out any big consequences--so why not cheat again---He will do nothing if i get caught again

Your wife says she loves you, and she wants to keep the mge., going and make amends----that is one line of pure bullcrap
If you hadn't caught her and "outed her" this A. would still be going on
She has looked you in the eyes for how long now night after night and lied to you that everything was fine, and she was just going to workout---etc---all the while decieving you, manipulating you, lying to you---what your wife is SHE IS A CONNIVING CHEATER---who really could care less about you---you are a financial stable money providing doormat to her

What really is terrible that she knowingly has now put the lives of her children into a future of hell for them---they will either live in a home where there is distrust, no love, enmity, constant fighting---or they will be passed back and forth---that is the legacy she has given her own flesh and blood children

She says she loves you, and wants to make this right---please do not believe this for one minute---her is what she is REALLY looking at--she is looking at being a divorced single mother with young children--she is looking at having to hold down probably 2 jobs, she is looking at having to pay all her own bills, and financing her life on her own---and she is looking at having the reputationout in the puiblic eye--of being a 2 timing cheating woman who is divorced with young kids-----she is not gonna find a decent man with that label on her, and she knows it---all she will get is badboys who want to screw her and that's it----she is looking at a horrible, lonely, dreary life, without a decent man in it---and that scares the crap out her her

But you know what that is what she deserves---You need to move on with your head high
Come on, at least confront the other guy, Jesus, he screwed your wife...
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Old 04-04-2011, 03:00 PM   #13 (permalink)
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Come on, at least confront the other guy, Jesus, he screwed your wife...
Okay, that was wrong. Not ALL guys feel the same as me. I just feel that if someone else touches my property, they need to pay the price...
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Old 04-04-2011, 03:00 PM   #14 (permalink)
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Best friend s****ing your wife is worst than a knife in the back. Happened to me and that was the end of that friendship. Worst part is it took me a lifetime to get brave enough to trust a friend around my wife. This goes really deep. I hope you can move on.

Okay to forgive the first time, but not the second. I used to think its better to stay together in a bad marriage for the sake of the kids, but not anymore. I stayed in a bad marriage for the kids for 10+ years, and now that they are off to college, the wifey is ready to spread her wings and be single. I should have left the b***h years ago, but hey ... that's love.
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Old 04-04-2011, 03:02 PM   #15 (permalink)
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Not sure how I will weather the storm though. I'm going through a whole host of emotions that I have never felt before such as extreme anger and self pity.
I'm finding that the extreme anger is a natural reaction to cover the extreme pain. That is my theory anyway from my experience. As I'm trying to fight the anger, the pain becomes overwhelming.

Your appetite will likely become non-existent. Muscle Milk is good to me. It's easy to drink and has nourishment. Soup is good. It's nutritious and easy to get down.

Control the angry outbursts. That is my biggest struggle. They are totally non-productive. You mention extreme anger so it may be for you as well. Music, taking a walk, playing with the kids, working out, etc. are good ways to get your mind off of the pain.

I'm sorry you are in this situation. You are not alone. This is a good site for support and advice. It helps to know there are others going through similar situations.
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