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Coping with Infidelity Relationship recovery from the destructiveness of infidelity.

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Old 04-04-2011, 05:56 PM   #16 (permalink)
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Default Re: Does Taking Back an Unfaithful Spouse Make You Weak?

I took back a cheating spouse and he turned around and cheated again.
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Old 04-04-2011, 05:58 PM   #17 (permalink)
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Default Re: Does Taking Back an Unfaithful Spouse Make You Weak?

taking a cheater back make you weak and look bad. who cheat once will do it again and again and again.
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Old 04-04-2011, 06:57 PM   #18 (permalink)
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Default Re: Does Taking Back an Unfaithful Spouse Make You Weak?

I have read stories of succesful reconciliation without repeated cheating. Then there's divorce...some divorcees report the weekend visitation and child exchange and seeing the ex again like living through all the feelings of divorce again.
so only my opinion but we each need to do what we feel is best for our situation based on our own values and do it to the extent it does not cause futher harm to oneself. For me when I feel I have done all I can I will be done. To each their own. I am extending the graces I would want if the shoe were on the other foot.
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Old 04-04-2011, 07:27 PM   #19 (permalink)
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I have read stories of succesful reconciliation without repeated cheating. Then there's divorce...some divorcees report the weekend visitation and child exchange and seeing the ex again like living through all the feelings of divorce again.
so only my opinion but we each need to do what we feel is best for our situation based on our own values and do it to the extent it does not cause futher harm to oneself. For me when I feel I have done all I can I will be done. To each their own. I am extending the graces I would want if the shoe were on the other foot.
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I couldn't agree more. I think we all have a threshhold as to how much we can handle and how long we are willing to fight. There are several on the site who have been fighting for a while. You do what is right. Everyone makes mistakes. Everyone deserves a second chance. With the proper plan in place, I believe amarriage can rebound but you'll never know if you don't try. Marriages are not disposable and should not be thrown away like trash. You can decide to divorce and move on or you can forgive, if given the chance, and create a new life together because things will never be the same.
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Old 04-04-2011, 08:02 PM   #20 (permalink)
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Default Re: Does Taking Back an Unfaithful Spouse Make You Weak?

No, it means you are strong of spirit, and morality.

What 99% of people lack, when taking back a spouse, is the ability to be resolute about the boundaries they set.

And THAT is weak.

Ultimatums are fine, threats are not... the difference? You follow through with ultimatums.
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Old 04-04-2011, 08:06 PM   #21 (permalink)
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Default Re: Does Taking Back an Unfaithful Spouse Make You Weak?

Heres my take, I could have moved on and met someone else. My choice in women has a little to be desired. I'm a little freaky and most likely pick another freak. So my point is and what I have learned is if the behviors don't change then you will have the same relationship as before with someone different. So why not change the behavior and have a new marriage with the same person ,but with differant behaviors. Granted it takes both spouse to have this mind set.

I can understand the idea of a deal breaker and I respect 13 for it, but he's looking for different perspectives and thats mine.

13, your mind is made up and good for you, thats awsome. So many here are on the fence and confussed and have a hell of a time deciding. Its tough but make a dicision and stick with it. If its the wrong one then man up and take your likes. I have no one to blame but my self and I have no one to count on but my self to get out of that dicision and make the change and hopefuly the right one the next time around.

Again I have this mind set b/c my wife has the same mind set and is working very hard and suffering her consequences like a trooper. She has helped me heal and it all works for us.

I can see how a LS is not getting the support I have been getting I too most likely would leave. It is In my opinion, up to the DS to do the heavy lifting when it come to R. I can also see some folks arent as freaking as may self and would have a hard time at moving forward with a cheating spouse, or in my case an excheating spouse.

ya I know once a cheater always a cheat, well you folks don't now everything lol ;-) and 13 great thread idea.
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Old 04-04-2011, 08:28 PM   #22 (permalink)
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Default Re: Does Taking Back an Unfaithful Spouse Make You Weak?

Hey disbelief---I really wonder--how many of those who R, and tell you everything is at least--OK---and there are many reasons to R, and try to stick it out

I really, really wonder how many of those people don't spend many lonely moments with their sub-conscious throwing visions at them, with their sub-conscious not letting them forget---There are many noble betrayed out there who say one thing---but what is their sub-conscious really doing to them---and I know it goes on for years-----you just don't forget something like a betrayel---It is akin to the murdering of a human being---as it truly is the murdering of the mge., and all the innocence that went with it
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Old 04-04-2011, 08:46 PM   #23 (permalink)
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Default Re: Does Taking Back an Unfaithful Spouse Make You Weak?

I don't think talking someone back after an affair makes you weak. It takes a very strong person to take someone back after a betrayal like an affair. Leaving also doesn't make you weak either IMO. It is all about what YOU can handle and what you can't.
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Old 04-04-2011, 08:49 PM   #24 (permalink)
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Default Re: Does Taking Back an Unfaithful Spouse Make You Weak?

Does taking back an unfaithful spouse make you weak? Well that would depend, wouldn't it?

I am going to reply based on Christian values because I happen to be a believing Christian and not some other belief. Even in the bible, the one acceptable reason to divorce your spouse is sexual immorality. Thus, if a spouse cheats and the faithful spouse decides to divorce, the faithful spouse has that right and should end the marriage...no dragging it out or waiting. Just file in a clear conscience knowing that the act of infidelity is what ended the marriage, not filling out blanks on some piece of paper.

However, if a faithful spouse does decide to give it a try I would say there is a weak way to take an unfaithful spouse back...and a strong way. The weak way would be to help them continue their adultery, turn a blind eye, let them "get away with it" and experience no consequences, and/or just be a doormat and decide to give them blind trust no matter what they've done. The weak way is sometimes called on here the "Nice Guy" approach or "Being a Doormat" etc. but the result is that no one grows or changes and the chances of adultery happening again are close to 100%.

The strong way to take back an unfaithful spouse is to look at yourself and admit ways that you contributed...and don't use your spouse's adultery as license to do things that harm the marriage. Be strong and change whatever your own issues were, and face yourself head on. Then being strong in your own self and your own value and self-worth, demonstrate heroism by allowing your spouse to experience the consequences of their choices and don't stand in the way of them learning what they NEED to learn! For example, if your spouse chose to be deceptive, the consequence is that in order to earn your trust back they are going to feel a little like they are being watched! For example, if the affair was at work they may have to quit their job in order to maintain no contact--the job is a COST of their decision to cheat. For example, they will have to demonstrate sincere repentance (which means admitting what they did and TURNING FROM IT 180 degrees). The strong way to take an unfaithful spouse back means showing them the way to rebuild a vow that they broke, and it means demonstrating heroic size mercy to someone because you love them. It also demonstrates deep character to not punish your spouse and "do to them what they did to you."

So in general, no I think when a loyal spouse agrees to take their spouse back it doesn't show weakness. If they take them back in a strong, healthy way, it shows AMAZING character and personal qualities that speak volumes about who THEY ARE.

In your case, OP, I mean no disrespect but I would strongly recommend separating and filing for divorce immediately (like tomorrow). Continuing to stay in your current state of mind is pretty much torture and demonstrates an uncomely trait in you to harm others. Let her go and then work on yourself to remove the vitriol because it will harm you; whereas if you work on it and rid yourself of that hatred it will cause you to grow and mature as a man. Don't put it off.
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Old 04-04-2011, 08:50 PM   #25 (permalink)
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Default Re: Does Taking Back an Unfaithful Spouse Make You Weak?

I posted this on the inspiration thread...

“The weak can never forgive. Forgiveness is the attribute of the strong.” ~Mahatma Gandhi

Granted, just because you forgive someone for infidelity, doesn't mean you can still share a life with them. I believe that it is up to each individual to decide.

For myself, I feel I'm much stronger for staying. There have been many days when I think about what it would be like to start over. Then I wouldn't have to be reminded daily that I married a man who could hurt me in such a painful way. If I was with someone new, I could once again enjoy the illusion that I was with a man who would never betray me.

However, we have two children and over 15 years of a shared life together. Supposedly statistics show that children do better long term when their parents stay together, even in "soft" conflict marriages.

Our children are blessedly oblivous to their father's infidelity and it's because of them he never got kicked out of the house. Kicking him out would only have satisfied my need for action and to make him hurt like I was hurting. In the end it would have only hurt our children. I was strong enough to spare them that anxiety. But living with him those first few weeks was the hardest thing I've ever had to do. To smile at dinner, pretending everything was normal and sitting next to him made me want to scream. Then, once the kids were asleep, I'd sob my heart out while he answered all my questions.

Thankfully my DS seems to be doing everything he's supposed to and he's thankful every day that I'm trying. However, he's well aware that he has his children to thank for this second chance. If it wasn't for them, I don't know I would have had the strength to try. At 3 months since D-day, I actually have days where I'm thankful for giving him a second chance too.

However I do understand where 13 is coming from, when I have my bad days it's usually based on the principle of the matter. However, I'm too much of a realist to stand on a soapbox and say I'd never cheat. Because, up until my husband cheated, he used to be one of those people who truly believed he'd never cheat.

Given the right time, the right circumstance, and the right person.... I believe everyone is capable of cheating. I think acknowledging you're capable, is the first step in preparing yourself. So someday, when the most tempting opportunity presents itself, you have already decided to make the right choice.
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Old 04-05-2011, 02:50 AM   #26 (permalink)
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Default Re: Does Taking Back an Unfaithful Spouse Make You Weak?

Another thing I've been thinking about is "why" I would consider taking my wife back after her affair. What I mean is, are all of the reasons I came up with valid? To name a few:

I love her - Valid
Our son - Valid
To give her a second chance - Valid
I don't want any other guy to have her - 'Invalid'

With that said, my reasons for reconciling with my wife after her affair, although mostly valid, they're not good enough for me to consider. To be more specific:

I love her - Yep, and I still do, as a friend. We'll always remain great friends and have stayed civil thus far. Just because our marriage was torn in half doesn't mean our friendship has to be.

Our son - Yea, he needs his mother, but she'll always be there for him in any way he needs.

To give her a second chance - She got that by me remaining civil and not dishonoring her reputation with family and friends. She betrayed our marriage, but her second chance is our friendship and I don't see her screwing that up.

I don't want any other guy to have her - This is the MAIN reason I felt I HAD to reconcile with her at the beginning of all of this. God forbid any other person has a chance at getting what I worked so hard to keep, but in reality, someone already has and nothing can change that.

You see, the valid reasons I came up with to work on my marriage can still be acheived, but because of my feelings towards her infidelity, I think it's better to acheive the same goals as friends. As for the invalid reason, this was getting in the way of me not making this decision a long time ago. Yes, I didn't want any other guy to have her, but it's too late for that now isn't it...
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Old 04-05-2011, 04:22 AM   #27 (permalink)
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Default Re: Does Taking Back an Unfaithful Spouse Make You Weak?

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Hey 13th taking back, not taking back---nothing to do with weakness---it's all about you living life to the best of your ability---with some attempt at happiness, peace of mind, and carefree days-----If those mental images, and your sub-conscious do not allow that to happen, then if you need to move on you do so-

--If for some reason you wanna stay and try to overcome the knowledge that your wife spread her legs how many times in that hotel room---that she deceitfully planned the sexcapade---that she has lied to you by ommission---if you can handle all of that---then by all means take her back---and I wish you good luck, cuz I sure as heck couldn't do it
What are you on this site for? All I see in your posts are anger and bad advice. Don't you think this man is hurting enough without your semi pornographic depictions of something you have no actual knowledge of?. This is torture to a person in this situation, cut it out! If you can't help others, at least don't hurt them. Try anger management classes.
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Old 04-05-2011, 06:12 AM   #28 (permalink)
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Default Re: Does Taking Back an Unfaithful Spouse Make You Weak?

All the men in my family of origin, were proud cheaters. I was disgusted with the way the wives not only accepted the cheating, but still waited on their WS hand and foot! All of the older wives loved their hubbies more than they loved themselves.
Taking back a WS is a sign of low self worth. Children grow up seeing a dysfunctional dynamic and respect is often lost for the LS. Marriages are seriously compromised with cheating because trust is impossible after that.
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Old 04-05-2011, 06:26 AM   #29 (permalink)
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Default Re: Does Taking Back an Unfaithful Spouse Make You Weak?

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Taking back a WS is a sign of low self worth. Children grow up seeing a dysfunctional dynamic and respect is often lost for the LS. Marriages are seriously compromised with cheating because trust is impossible after that.
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I don't think this is true at all. I would have to agree with Affaircare, in that it is not the simple act of accepting the back that makes you weak, it is how you do it. If you allow them to come back under ANY circumstances, that is weak. If you allow them to come without having shown remorse and repentance, that makes you weak. If you allow them to come back without setting some boundaries, that makes you weak.

Trust would not be impossible. As countless people have said over the years, "You have to earn my trust". That is what would be necessary in such cases. To earn that trust, total transparency is a must. Without transparency, trust would be impossible.
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Old 04-05-2011, 07:27 AM   #30 (permalink)
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Default Re: Does Taking Back an Unfaithful Spouse Make You Weak?

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Ok I didn't read every post but IMHO it takes a much stronger person to forgive and reconcile rather than divorce and remain bitter
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Or get rid of them and NOT remain bitter.
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