paramore

That is a good question, I would say anything over a year?

anonymous1978

From my experience, the long-term secrecy, lying, hiding and deceit have become as much of a betrayal at the EA itself.

You need tell him because it will be so much worse if he were to find out for himself. He will NEVER trust you again.

michzz

Anything past a week or two.

Beyond that piles on the toxic offense to your marriage as deliberate infliction of offense disguised as something else.

Jellybeans

Agree on all points. If he finds out on his own, it is going to be a thousand times worse. Trust that.

1 yr is a long time!

Runs like Dog

About as long as any product warranty, say 90 days.

ladyybyrd

A year is along time!!

I would have told him, if he would have asked! He never did/hasn't asked. I haven't lied to him either, he never asked, so nothing to lie about. As far as acting "strangely" while this entire thing was going on I didn't act any differently towards my H.

There is no way he would ever find out, unless I told him. The only way he would ever find out is if the OM contacted my H. And that would be impossible. The om never even knew my last name or even my H's real name.

Honestly, now that i think about everything, the OM was an ass, pushy, a manipulator. I am grateful for not taking it any further and ending it with him.

paramore

I look at the above posts, I am changing my answer, yeah, anything over a few weeks is a long term, I thought about my answer, and agree completely.

Jellybeans

I disagree. You are lying to him by ommission. You are lying to him every day he thinks you guys are in monogamous relationship where you haven't sdtepped out on him. His idea of your marriage is a lie because he doesn't know the truth.

You only THINK this but my bet is he definitely thought something was up with you.

paramore

dear ladybyrd tell him...it's the RIGHT thing to do.

ladyybyrd

You guys are right. I should really tell him, and I will. It is the right thing to do.

Should I contact the OM wife and let her know what her H has been up to?

Jellybeans

Hmmm..maybe you could tell OM you feel she dshould tell her and that you will be telling you husband and will be ending all contact with him immediately.

Guys, what do you think about her telling OMW?

morituri

Soul mate? Aren't 'soul mates' able to satisfy our most important emotional needs better than anyone else?

Why not inform your H that you have been considering filing for divorce and see what his reaction is? If he cares for you, he will stop and drop everything just to listen so as not to push you further into filing, but if he ignores you then you pretty much have your answer as to where you stand in his life.

I wish you luck.

ladyybyrd

Why not inform your H that you have been considering filing for divorce and see what his reaction is? If he cares for you, he will stop and drop everything just to listen so as not to push you further into filing, but if he ignores you then you pretty much have your answer as to where you stand in his life.


I have brought up the D-word before, It just pisses him off. I am not happy and he knows it, but won't do anything to fix it. He then tells me to tell him what he needs to do. (Really we have been married 14 years, and I have to tell him what to do.) I tell him and nothing ever changes. He goes on thinking everything is hunky-dorey, when it is not. He thinks sweeping everything under the rug will make it go away. He doesn't like talking about any of it. In his eyes nothing is wrong.. I am tired of trying to make things work, when he will not hear me or even try. Maybe that is his way of saying he doesn't give a **** without really saying it.

jnj express

Hey LB---you don't talk to the OM, at all---YOU DO TELL HIS WIFE-----she is entitled to know what kind of scum she has for a H., and she can therefore make an informed decision as to the rest of her life

Let me ask you something---do you think somewhere in the back of your mind---this was an exit A. for you---if you do tell your H., and he is entitled to know---this will either lead to both of you working on a good solid R., or it will lead to a D.---was this your way of kicking your H. into Divorcing you--or you using this as a means to escape your basically dead Mge.---hence you have an exit A.

ladyybyrd

I haven't talked to him in months. As far as i can tell the OM's wife has no clue about what he is doing. He told me he wants his cake and eat it too.

I started talking to the OM, while I though my H was messing around with someone else. (I still am not sure if he was or wasn't) I never intended to get "involved" with anyone else emotionally. I needed someone to talk to, and it was easier for me to talk to someone I didn't know. I have no friends, except for my mom and she didn't believe me when I told her I thought my h was messing around.

So as far as an exit affair, it was not!