Back in May 2010, I met someone online. He is also married with 2 children. We talked almost everyday for 8 months (except when he wasn't at work.) I never met him in person. I would chicken out every time we would set up to meet. Over the course of 8 months, I grew pretty attached him and he got pretty attached to me. He shared with me his home address, where he worked, his cell number, work number, everything. I however never returned the favor.
Over the last 7 years my marriage had been going down hill. The last 2 years have been the worst on me. My H has refused to meet my needs for sometime. I am not talking just about sex. I want an emotional connection with someone. My H and I have lost our connection somewhere along the way. ( I really don't know where we lost it.) My H won't hear me when I talk to him about these issues, to him there are no issues to talk about and we end up in a huge fight. anyways...
I broke it off with the OM in December 2010. I haven't talked to him since then. I do sometimes regret that i never got physical with him, or at least never met him. but then again i would have regretted it later anyway. I don't think my H ever suspected anything going on and if he did he didn't say anything.
I do feel a little bit guilty, because of the things we talked about, things i probably shouldn't have talked to another man about. Do you think I should tell my H about this or just keep it to myself?
What you had was an eight month Emotional affair [EA] this is what I am on the other end of at the moment. Read about EA on this forum and how they are just as destructive as a physical affair. In my case I would have preferred her to have a one night stand with a football team..
If its over.
If its gone from your life and you are going to try and make your marriage work. Then don't tell him!
YOU were the one that for the last 8 months failed to meet your husbands needs. It is not in anyway his fault. Maybe try talking to him.
You will destroy him if you tell him
You will break his heart and it won't heal in the same shape again.
You will destroy your marriage.
Some will say you already have destroyed your marriage.
If you tell him you have to be prepared for the consequences. I threw my wife out. Being a little bit in love and sharing intimate details with another man cuts right to the heart of a mans self image and breaks any love and trust you may still have.
IMHO---at this point in time you have even worse issues than your EA---you have basically a destroyed mge----If you either do not FORCE your H to at least communicate, and/or change---then you will at some point cheat, more than likely physically.
I don't know if you have committed an EA, by giving your heart to the OM, or you just innapropriately spent to much time talking to the OM---At this point it doesn't really matter---what you must do is decide in your own mind whether to continue this sham of a mge you are in
You can tell your H, about your inapropos liason on the computer, and maybe it will wake him, and maybe it will lead to D---but one way or the other you will have made some movement involving your stagnant, dying mge
You should probably lay it out to your H. no matter what, that you can't continue, and if he can't act like an involved H---then you need to end the mge---what have you to lose---nothing else is working---and this way you won't be cheating in the future
You should probably lay it out to your H. no matter what, that you can't continue, and if he can't act like an involved H---then you need to end the mge---what have you to lose---nothing else is working---and this way you won't be cheating in the future
speaking from personal experience, you had a full blown EA girl, guilt is a good thing at this point, and you would do quite well for him AND you if you do confess. Yes yes yes. Your husband has a right to know how badly things have gotten between you, unfortunately it takes something like this to shake a couple up. This is just my opinion.
I remember back in college how i would sit and listen to my professors talk about how people are influenced as i sat their thinking "People are really dumb, in general" As a society, we are not dumb, just really really selfish. That is what will end us. Not a meteor, not angels opening seals and not some Mayan calendar predictions.
Anyone who reads this post needs to see the thought process here and let this post be a living breathing example of why this board exists.
Rarely do we see such a blatant example of pure selfishness as we see in this post. It is the embodiment of self-serving and in my opinion Ladybyrd, you should not be married at all to anyone.
You cheated on your husband, not because you were weak but because you were filling your needs to serve yourself.
Not only do you not feel bad about it, you actually REGRET not having gotten physical with him. Someone give this gal a "Wife of the year" award.
Why dont you evaluate yourself a second... Here, let me help... You said this:
"Over the last 7 years my marriage had been going down hill. The last 2 years have been the worst on me. My H has refused to meet my needs for sometime. I am not talking just about sex. I want an emotional connection with someone."
MY marriage? Worst for ME? MY needs? I want an emotional connection with SOMEONE? Your problem isn't with your husband, it is with yourself. In one paragraph you have single handedly displayed everything wrong with humanity.
After all this self-serving behavior, and the disgusting displays of "ME ME ME" you have the audacity to say you feel guilty a "bit" But you dont really, remember, because you regret not sexing it up.
The nail in the coffin here is the idea of your post in the first place. The only reason for you NOT to tell your husband is because of how it will effect YOU. The fact that you have to ask strangers if you should do the right thing, proves that your selfish nature consumes you and defines you.
Now i want this clear... I believe that marriages can be saved after infidelity. I am proof of that myself. But you have to start with something good, a good foundation to build on. Ladybyrd, you are on another planet. Marriage is not something cut out for folks like you. I am not saying divorce your husband and find someone else, I am saying leave him and dont burden anyone with your selfishness until you have reformed.
This is a much different side of me, than a lot of people here have seen. The reason for that is simple. I offer advice and opinions under the assumption that both parties CAN be worked with. Selfish people should be single. And you ... should be single.
I remember back in college how i would sit and listen to my professors talk about how people are influenced as i sat their thinking "People are really dumb, in general" As a society, we are not dumb, just really really selfish. That is what will end us. Not a meteor, not angels opening seals and not some Mayan calendar predictions.
Anyone who reads this post needs to see the thought process here and let this post be a living breathing example of why this board exists.
Rarely do we see such a blatant example of pure selfishness as we see in this post. It is the embodiment of self-serving and in my opinion Ladybyrd, you should not be married at all to anyone.
You cheated on your husband, not because you were weak but because you were filling your needs to serve yourself.
Not only do you not feel bad about it, you actually REGRET not having gotten physical with him. Someone give this gal a "Wife of the year" award.
Why dont you evaluate yourself a second... Here, let me help... You said this:
"Over the last 7 years my marriage had been going down hill. The last 2 years have been the worst on me. My H has refused to meet my needs for sometime. I am not talking just about sex. I want an emotional connection with someone."
MY marriage? Worst for ME? MY needs? I want an emotional connection with SOMEONE? Your problem isn't with your husband, it is with yourself. In one paragraph you have single handedly displayed everything wrong with humanity.
After all this self-serving behavior, and the disgusting displays of "ME ME ME" you have the audacity to say you feel guilty a "bit" But you dont really, remember, because you regret not sexing it up.
The nail in the coffin here is the idea of your post in the first place. The only reason for you NOT to tell your husband is because of how it will effect YOU. The fact that you have to ask strangers if you should do the right thing, proves that your selfish nature consumes you and defines you.
Now i want this clear... I believe that marriages can be saved after infidelity. I am proof of that myself. But you have to start with something good, a good foundation to build on. Ladybyrd, you are on another planet. Marriage is not something cut out for folks like you. I am not saying divorce your husband and find someone else, I am saying leave him and dont burden anyone with your selfishness until you have reformed.
This is a much different side of me, than a lot of people here have seen. The reason for that is simple. I offer advice and opinions under the assumption that both parties CAN be worked with. Selfish people should be single. And you ... should be single.
Life is rarely so black and white. Did my wife have an EA? Yes. Was it right? No, definitely not! Did i drive her into it? Absolutely! Three years of zero emotion and affection from me due to my depression would be tatamount to emotional abuse. Do i take responsibility for my wifes EA? Well, absolutely not. But i can also see that if i was even half the man at the time our marriage went downhill it wouldnt have gone downhill at all. Did she try to communicate this to me? Yes. Did i listen? Not a chance. The ironic part of my entire mess was that after starting my manning up journey, i realized that 99 percent of the issues that drove me to depression wern't even issues at all. Now, those problems seem so petty to me.
As per ladybird, you are starting to feel guilty, which is a good start to your remorse. At the same time, you do in fact still feel like you should have went through it all the way. There is a black hole in your marriage somewhere, and you will continue to feel this way until you fill that hole that leaves you wanting, or you decide your marriage just isnt fulfilling anymore and you need to be happy.
To the others, people get tempted all the time. Yes, ladybird had an EA, but when it came time to meet up with the other man, she didnt. What does that tell us? She still has value in her marriage enough to NOT want to go through with a PA. I think this is a good thing. Hell, i get tempted at the grocery store, doesnt mean im going to try to go trough with it. Posted via Mobile Device
Wow, twotimeloser, you just made me feel better about my situation. Throughout my ordeal, I keep saying how selfish my H is being. Well, it ultimately is that. He is having ANOTHER emotional affair, and did he bother to tell me he was unhappy? NEVER. Have we been happy? Yes? Were my needs met? No. But I never put myself in the situation to stray. And now, he feels guilty about it but continues to lie till he dies because I'm onto him. He does have a bit of a conscience I supposed, which is why he won't tell me the truth, but maybe it's that selfishness kicking in again with how he won't be able to have everything he wants and come out looking like a hero.
This is the 2nd EA for my H, even though I have no solid proof. The first EA, I was completely blindsided by. I knew something was up with my H and consistently tried to figure out what was wrong and he kept saying it was work. Then I was blindsided, and luckily he quickly came out of the fog. But now, it is an ex gf from his past. He very well could have gone PA this time, but again I have no proof. It's all selfishness. He should have never gotten married. He gave me some good years, and comes off as a good guy, but life is all about him. And now my kids and I pay the price. Is he thinking of me when he does these things I don't like? When I catch him talking to her in the middle of the night and tell him I don't think he should continue the friendship, and he refuses to cut the friendship because "it's not fair to her or me."
I'm disgusted. I am truly disgusted with the selfish mentality. I understand humans as a species are selfish, but I wouldn't dare, couldn't imagine, betraying someone who puts all their faith in you. I see a lot of this in the OP's post. Not much remorse, it's all about her. I hope you do tell him, OP. He is being punished and you are justifying it.
I knew i would catch hell for it, but hey... it is my serious opinion.
No way i can resist.... when i see " I regret not getting physical"
I cant post straight from the textbook everytime... That is Affaircar's department. LOL
Seriously though... I want to know what city she lives in, so i can watch the police chase the husband on the highway after she tells him "I should have done the naked dance with him"
I am starting to feel guilty, I knew it was the wrong thing to do, and yet did it anyway... I have learned a couple of things through all of this.
1.) No matter who i had an EA with he would have never filled that void I was looking for. The only man who can do that is my H. He is the one i WANT, not someone else.
2.) I got lost along the way, I have found myself again.
3.) learn from your mistakes and NEVER repeat them.
What I should have said it that I regretted not moving the EA to a PA at the TIME. However, now i am happy that i had the strength not to do it. I would have regretted it for the rest of my life. And the guilt of that would have destroyed me.
What you had was an eight month Emotional affair [EA] this is what I am on the other end of at the moment. Read about EA on this forum and how they are just as destructive as a physical affair. In my case I would have preferred her to have a one night stand with a football team..
If its over.
If its gone from your life and you are going to try and make your marriage work. Then don't tell him!
YOU were the one that for the last 8 months failed to meet your husbands needs. It is not in anyway his fault. Maybe try talking to him.
You will destroy him if you tell him
You will break his heart and it won't heal in the same shape again.
You will destroy your marriage.
Some will say you already have destroyed your marriage.
If you tell him you have to be prepared for the consequences. I threw my wife out. Being a little bit in love and sharing intimate details with another man cuts right to the heart of a mans self image and breaks any love and trust you may still have.
I agree with him! I think that if you tell him at this point then you are opening a door of who knows what! I wouldn't cause you werent that involved you didnt get together with him or share where you lived your phone number or anything I think that he was something to get you by until you hubby came around!
3Likes
Should I confess? 
