CrystalPalace

I started getting a funky feeling about a casual relationship my wife had started with an old (guy) friend, Mr.D. She's been very open about it with me, and even brags to him and all her friends that "oh yeah, my husband lets me hang out with other guys."

In a moment of weakness I went through her email. It seemed that the relationship with the guy was certainly benign (not that it didn't give me the creeps). But then I found out about "the other guy."

About a year and a half ago she started telling me all about this old friend she knew in high school, Mr.M. She was saying how he had a big crush on her back then and told me some cute stories about that (they never had a relationship--she'd laugh it off about how she wasn't interested in him, he was so "dumb"). Then she was telling me about how he was finally coming home from service overseas, moving to our coast (a few states from us). She was very open about correspondance with him. She would talk about it casually with news "my friend Mr.M, got this awesome dog, look at this picture. His wife is so beautiful.. Oh I love the location of their house." I, being a confident trusting guy felt like it was my duty to be fine with this. I think I felt proud of the fact that I was so confident in us and her, that this relationship couldn't bother me.

My wife and her girlfriend decided they needed to go on a road trip, and went on a tour of the cost that included Mr. M's area. She said, "we were going to stay at Mr. M's house for one night while we were in the area, but his wife is out of town that week--is it okay? That doesn't make you uncomfortable, does it?" Of course, being so confident in us, I'm fine with that, right? They go on their road trip, everything's fine. She tells me lots of stories, including funny stories about their stay with Mr. M. No problems. She loves me. We've had lots of occasions in the months since for love and affection and good times together.

Now the email.. I find an email from my wife to another girlfriend. She's joking with the girlfriend "..never stay at a high school friend's house who had a crush on you and whatever you do don't get him drunk." Her friend asks "what happened?" My wife says, "oh, nothing happened, but it almost did. If it hadn't been his wife's house, things could have turned out differently. It was so exciting and awkward at the same time.." Then another email, to/from her girlfriend with which she went on the road trip. (My wife) "I was insulted that you said 'that thing with you and Mr. M was just gross', like I did something wrong/disgusting.."

There were other emails that really made me wake up and realize that our marriage has become extremely weak, and is on the wrong trajectory. Emails in which she admits to a girlfriend that she "if money wasn't so good I might be less willing to work things out with him." Or others in which she says "the spark is gone." She says thing about how our sex life has dwindled, and that she thinks it's "cute" when I try. About the possibility of me having an affair: "I don't think he has it in him."

The dilemma(s)

1. I feel like I've violated her trust by going through her email. This is a transgression on my part I feel like I've got to deal with.

2. I don't know what to do about this news about Mr. M. I know something happened. Maybe he just professed his long-time feelings for her and she walked away feeling better about herself, and she's just bragging abou the "it almost did." Maybe he came on to her, there was kissing, etc., but she stopped short? Maybe they went all the way.. She doesn't volunteer that anything happened. I get no sense of shame from her about it. But I feel like I've got to confront her on this.

3. I'm coming to the realization that there has been a multi-year decline in her feelings for me. I think she's become comfortable and bored in our relationship. I've let her walk on me in many little ways--for years. I think she feels powerless as a "housewife" and this little transgression with Mr. M. is a way of showing her independence. I believe she wants me to get other guys excited about her so she can feel powerful, and like she has a choice in being "stuck" in a marriage with me--even when "the spark isn't there."

I feel pretty confident I know how to work on #3. It's numbers #1 and #2 that have me really perplexed.

Help!

The 13th_Floor

It sounds to me like your gut feeling to check her email has possibly saved your marriage before an EA/PA occured. If I were you, I would sit that woman down and talk to her as soon as possible. Don't worry about her bragging to her friends and putting you down. Women always blow things out of proportion to sound hip when talking to their friends. Well, younger ones at least.

My wife talked about me negatively to her friends too. Then I met some of them and they couldn't keep their eyes off me. Weird.

Some advice, save your marriage NOW before it's too late. Consider yourself lucky that your gut helped you find a hidden secret that most likely would have ended your marriage. I wish I was in your position, I really do. It took 2 years to realize how my wife felt about me except I found a hotel room reservation for her and the guy she screwed. You found an email that implies it might happen unless YOU fix it NOW.

Communication, confidence and marriage counciling like yesterday, bro. Be one of our success stories and keep us updated. Not sure I would tell her about you spying on her emails. She may get defensive, but I'm no expert. Best wishes!

You can deal with it by letting your nuts hang low for once (not being a doormat) and use the information to your advantage to save your marriage. You're a man aren't you? Man up then. That's part of her problem with you. She needs a man, not a trampoline. I set up a hotornot.com account for my wife when I first met her to let her know how hot she was. Then all these guys started messaging her and she kept responding. RED FLAG! Big mistake by me. Look, though, I snooped, blocked her account, punched myself in the head and it was only 10 years later that she cheated on me! See, it's okay to snoop sometimes.

Jellybeans

You need to talk to her and tell her you feel her relationship with M is very inapprorpriate (it is). The fact that she stayed in his house while his own wife was gone is not cool at all. She knows it's wrong cause her own friend called her out on it and that's why she wrote back defensively "I'm disgusted you think that blah blah blah." It could even be an EA at this point.

Her comments about the financial stability with you and yada yada, not cool.

The 13th_Floor

I think I could live with what she wrote, as long as she didn't screw him... My **** wife had an "unconfessed" PA, which to me is a deal breaker, but his case seems a bit different. I would definitely work on mending his marriage if I were him. My wife even ASKED if she culd travel to Idaho to see some guy friend. I was like "**** no you can't WTF?" She went anyway, tried to hide it and it ruined our marriage. God damnit.

Jellybeans

I didn't say for him NOT to work on his marriage, but that he should talk to her.I am all for saving marriages as long as both are willing to put in the effort.

13th, did you guys divorce? Or worked it out? My H and I both cheated and confessed to eachother. I cut off all contact and I believe he never did...we are freshly divorced.

The 13th_Floor

Oops, sorry, Jellybeans. Not sure why I quoted you. I totally agree with what you said. Just uh, I've been drinking tonight. Yep.

No, we didn't work it out, but we're not divorced yet. Just kind of going with the flow for now. We're awesome friends, ****ty marriage though.

Jellybeans

LOL. Have one for me then!

alphaomega

Wow. Your a doormat. Seriously. Time to man up, friend.

I'm not trying to be condescending, just honest. And what you need now is a dose of honesty and perspective.

You snooped. Who cares. She cheated, even if it was an EA. This isn't court. Just because you snooped doesn't mean you don't or can't use it against her. Now you know. Now it's time to take action.

First things first. You need respect from her. She doesn't respect you at all. So, you need to confront her, with no fear, and tell her exactly what you know. Then, you tell her to choose, now! Tell her she doesn't get to use you as a wallet, and eat cake, while you supply all that cash that let's her have her fun with other men. Tell her you want full disclosure of email passwords, and other accounts. She just lost your trust. Next, you call up the OMs wife and let her know wtf just went down. Then go 180 on your wife. He'll, I would tell her to leave, let her stew in that for a while. Make sure you don't let her sleep in your bed. She gets to sleep on the couch. Your marital bed is only for people committed to the marriage.

After the 180, do some Plan A and plan b.

Or, I guess you can always ask her that if she gets to have an affair, you get to also.

The third option is, you roll over like a puppy and take all the crap she's dishing out to you until she has zero respect for you.
Posted via Mobile Device

Orion

I think that you need to get your mind around the possibility that your wife does not love you but loves the security that you provide. Whether something happened with the guy or not, the above statement would cause me to have serious doubts about my wife if I were you. My feeling is that she sees you as plutonic security blanket. Be honest with yourself. If your income significantly dropped, given what she has said, do you think that she would still want to be married to you? I truly hope that you can honestly answer yes. But if you answer no, you have other issues to be concerned about. Also, do checkout some of the "nice guy" threads in the Men's Clubhouse. You are going to need to set some MAJOR boundaries if your marriage is going to survive. My lean is definitely towards the nice guy in my behavior but there is no way in hell that my wife would even consider asking me about staying at another man's house.

CrystalPalace

Thanks so far, all. This is great advice. I hear you on the "man up" business. Like I said, I've stewed on this for a couple of days and realized that I've been her doormat for a long time and it's really damaged our marriage.

I have talked to her already. I sat down and told her that the thing with Mr. D isn't cool with me--it makes me uncomfortable. She was a little defensive about that--claiming it's all out in the open, I can read all her texts, etc. But agreed she'd break it off. I mentioned that Mr. D makes me wonder about Mr. M and she still denies there was anything going on there--although I haven't confronted her with it directly because I'm still unsure about the email snooping bit.

At the time I talked to her I was feeling really hurt, and wallowing in some insecurity. I was already kicking myself for hurting her over the years with emotional distance. I'm not a macho guy. I'm an introvert who thinks through stuff and rarely acts irrationally. I can be timid and apprehensive. I think I've disappointed her as a man in many ways. She has told me many times she likes "manly men." And really encourages me on the things I do that are manly--like working around the house, fixing the car, etc. I do those things a lot, and I think she really values that.

I think you guys are right about how she's really challenging me to "man up." If not for us for myself. The part that kills me is the fact that I am a confident man. I'm just so reserved it rarely comes out overtly. I think she's in a midlife crisis that has her questioning her choices and looking for excitement. And I'm not exciting, dangerous and all that stereotypical BS.

Darth Vader

Seriously man, I think you know that your wife rode this OM.

Come on, her actions speak louder than her words, her defensiveness, is a HUGE RED FLAG! No woman goes to another mans house to innocently spend the night! They had SEX!

I suggest that you inform his wife about what's happened!

The 13th_Floor

You don't have to do anything special to man up. Just be an ass-hole for once. Look, women want to be treated as equals right? Fine, but she straight knows how smart you are, how good of money you make. All you gotta do is let her know who RUNS sh*t. You do. Without you, she's out on her butt.

Honestly, you kind of sound like Mark Zukkerberg, the nerd who owns Facebook. Man up by showing her what she'll lose if she keeps her **** up.

Simon Phoenix

Have to agree with AO, Darth Vader, and a few others here. Let me spell it out for you; SHE SCREWED THE OM. The only reason she didn't go into full blow-by-blow detail with her gf is because she already knew that the gf would have reservations about the affair and probably did since it started. It would be like confessing to finding an abandoned car full of $$$ to your best friend, who so happen to be a cop; are you going to tell him that you took some of that $$$? If her gf was the type who condoned such things, other details about her stay with the OM would've been disclosed, like positions, how long the sex was, how much 'bigger' he is than you, etc.

As AO already suggested, man up and have a serious talk with her ASAP. Do not DO NOT let this pass. Not only will she continue to treat you as a doormat but will keep the fling going, if not intensify it with more e-mails, naked pics, more trips out of town, and so on. She has the best of both worlds right now; she's cake-eating with your plate, your utensils, sitting on your couch, while you're on the floor hoping that one of the crumbs get to you. You think she's going to get an epiphany and go back to life as she once knew it?

Call her out on this, demand NC/full disclosure, follow the 180 plan, and get his wife involved. I'll bet a buffalo nickel that there was more going on and she'll be the one who can find out...
Posted via Mobile Device

CrystalPalace

All of you, thanks! I've been talking about this with others and received a variety of responses. They all point in this same general direction (not necessarily about what happened or didn't, but that I need to step-up and take control of this crap right now).

I've got a plan in place to do just that this weekend. (I'm traveling on business right now).

I thank you all for your support. Please keep the opinions coming. I'm going to keep you guys posted on this.

jnj express

Hey CP---she took a planned trip---to see MR M, and something physical did happen---the E-Mails tell you that---it didn't have to go beyond her being in a room with him---IT WAS ALL INAPROPRIATE FOR A MARRIED WOMAN

I think from your posts you support her entirely---so she has lots of free time on her hands---and yes she is disrespecting you and putting you down big time---and you are just letting it all happen.

What you need to do--is to TELL her where all of this is at/going

Since you finance her entirely---she doesn't get a choice as to what you decide to do---she will be outraged, but she will come to her senses, when faced with reality

You tell her all of these contacts with other men, stop now, her put-downs of you stop now---if any of her GF encourage her to cheat or do anything against the mge, NC with those friends---she becomes transparent as to her phone, and anything on her computer.

She does not get to talk---she listens---you are to be icy-calm---say what you have to say, and walk away---there will be no argument, no discussions --no anything on her part---

If anything comes out of her--give her the want ads, and tell her to get a job, if she wants any money from now on

You may have not been the best H---but if there were/are problems, she needs to come to you and communicate----tell her if she likes her life, and wants to stay married---then she needs to act like a wife, and to stop treating you like a peon

You need to stop being a doormat---and take control of your wife---NOW