"resting her head on my shoulders"- Dude, you're waaaaaaaaay too nice to her. Didn't you say she came back with "attitude" after talking to scumbag? SHE'S STILL TALKING TO HIM!, and you let her snuggle up to you? O think YOU'RE in a fog, my friend.
"resting her head on my shoulders"- Dude, you're waaaaaaaaay too nice to her. Didn't you say she came back with "attitude" after talking to scumbag? SHE'S STILL TALKING TO HIM!, and you let her snuggle up to you? O think YOU'RE in a fog, my friend.
actually she rested her head on my shoulders...i looked down and gave her a look, and she walked to the other couch.
only to sit there sulking a bit...stewing in her own juices.
today she was nice early in the day, but her and her mom got into it and i got the after math...
we started talking about money and how it woul dbe split even ly, then she brought up a amount that we used to buy our house, how it was left to US from her late uncle. she basically said that i mooched that money off of her. we used it to reduce debt an dput a down payment on a house , all while we were married. and i mooched off of her.
now not only do i know shes in a fog, because money has NEVER been a big issue to her, but i know the OM is feeding her crap, esp. with a line like mooched. the only mooch my wife knows is the coach/commentator. (one of the reasons i loved her)
she then went on a tirade. called me a horrrible husband, a fee other things. talked about setting up a schedule for our son, and i laid down the law about the OM and the OM family. i am not going to waffle on those and ill take it as far as the law will allow me.
and shes finallt started looking for a place, though i check the internet history to see the places that may be a bit too much for her, but whatever..her prob, i just reiterated she needs to get out sooner than later.
If she agreed the money she inherited was to be used on the house then she has no individual claim on it, your lawyer will back you on this. As far a the morality clause it can be written if she does cause contact between the OM and your son she then automatically gives you primary custody, again a hard nose lawyer will help you. As she is isolating you and her family if this is used correctly by your legal team it can help obtain custody of your son or at the very least place inhibiters on her and the company she introduces him to. Posted via Mobile Device
SOmehting i wrote on another thread that may help you.
It is too soon for you to make any serious decisions about whether to stay or go. You are still in state of shock and may feel completely differently after some time has passed and you see how he reacts to boundaries and expectations of him. Most disloyal spouses (DS) have a very hard time facing themselves and their guilt and often make comments about the marriage or the loyal spuse (LS) as being the reason why they had an A. Things like, not enough sex, you are not attractive, issues in the marriage you thought you had worked through on and on. The paint the marriage with a very black brush to justify their actions in having the affair. Keep in mind this is normal for a DS, wrong but normal. They can't accept responsibility yet. The other thing they will do is shut down answering questions and tell you to just get over it. Again, they don't wnat to face they have done and don't want to face the guilt and yur pain by discussing it. Both are completely the wrong way to start you on the recovery path. That is where you need to place the boundaries and expectations that you need to heal. Listen to the teleseminars and DON'T bury your feelings or allow him to avoid his. IF he doesn't figure out for himself how became so vulnerable and understand it, it will happen to him again. If he doesn't face your pain, fears triggers , etc. he will never understand how what he did effected you. You need to work through those issues, some on your on and a lot with his support. Forgiveness comes from looking forward and seeing him doing the actions AND words to help you heal. Also from transperency without you forcing him to do it. He needs to do it ofhis own free will and desire to reconcile. NOTHING can be forced or it useless. Make a list of what you need to start to build confidence, trust and love for him and discuss it openly with him. Explain that needs to his decision and his effort - you are not forcing him but it is the only way it can work for you. He needs to man up and facethe music and work necessary. You should NEVER attack him for what has happened. If you can't speak calmly and state the facts without starting with you did this or you made me feel this way, walk away and calm down. SAying you made feel useless with your affair is very different than saying when you ahd your affair it caused me to feel unattractive and like you didn't want me. The difference is you are owning having your feelings and not blaming him for them. Then suggest a way that he can use to better state his feelings and not cause you pain. Like " when you said I never supported you, it hurt because I feel like I really tried. Youa re right, Iw as not as attentive to your eneds as I should have been and I will try to be more attentive to your needs. You can help me by making sure you let me know you feel that way. You can also help me by not blaming me for your affair because of of marital problems. That was your decision alone.
Saying this way instead of " you screwed up, don't blame me for your affair" does two things, one he doesn't get defensive and draw back. Two, you have given him some guidance on how to avoid hurting you again without it being an attack. The last one will keep him opening up - you always need to thank him for being honest no matter how bad it hurts. Going offwill only cause him to withdraw and avoid being honest.
Slow and steady - no decisions. Give it time. DO only what you are comfortable with when it comes to cuddling and making love (not sex). Don't be fake - be open and honest.
well she started looking for a place to live. she was in tears yesterday because she realized she wouldnt be able to afford as much as the though or was used to, and may likely have to settle for a 1 bd, instead of two.. she said though , that it didnt change anything...
but i have a question. we were getting ready to go to a previous event, an dmy wife said to me that i looked nice. stupid me started asking a few questions, some with a sense of humor...
i made the mistake of asking the all to common, "do you think im still attractive and do you think the OM is more attractive"
my wife gave me a hell yes, followed by a no way,
i made a joke about what i should put in my match.com profile. and then she said soemthing interesting, and this is where i need help. my wife said, just let your girlfriend know that im your best friend and she have to deal with me.
my wife still thinks well be friends after she moves out , but i dont think well even be friends.
the question is
a.is all that fog talk?
b. based off that snippet, do you think shes truly checked out, or if she just setting thing sup if/when the affair fails.
the question is
a.is all that fog talk?
b. based off that snippet, do you think shes truly checked out, or if she just setting thing sup if/when the affair fails.
Yup. Definitely fog talk. I read that ALL the time. Some actually think they can be friends after all this, heck, some of them want you to be friends with the OM/OW.
Watch Part 13 & 14 of Soulmate Shmoopies. It's a pretty good example of this.
i made a joke about what i should put in my match.com profile. and then she said soemthing interesting, and this is where i need help. my wife said, just let your girlfriend know that im your best friend and she have to deal with me.
my wife still thinks well be friends after she moves out , but i dont think well even be friends.
the question is
a.is all that fog talk?
b. based off that snippet, do you think shes truly checked out, or if she just setting thing sup if/when the affair fails.
She's most likely bluffing by being aloof because she thinks you are bluffing. When you actually start dating it will get her goat good.
My wife did that same thing and acted like she didn't care and even told me to have fun on one date when we were separated and she was seeing an OM. She text me twice during the date and drove by my house at 3am to see if I was home.
The date sucked but she was 10 years younger and the W was not happy about it.
Yup. Definitely fog talk. I read that ALL the time. Some actually think they can be friends after all this, heck, some of them want you to be friends with the OM/OW.
Watch Part 13 & 14 of Soulmate Shmoopies. It's a pretty good example of this.
And many want you pining after them, ready to take them back in case their relationship goes south. It boggles the mind sometimes.
Those were interesting, to say the least.
i know that i have time history and a family on my side when it actually comes down to our relationship vs. their relationship. and i hope my wife is at least somewhere acknowloging the changes ive been making that created the vunerability in the relationship to have the affair.
its just going through that period when she moves out. i know he'll be over there. shell move closer to work so that creates "opportunities", not to mention him sleeping over. gettin to enjoy all the benefits i have for the past 17 years. right now thats the thing that kills me the most. its the intimacy...y0u cant take that stuff back.
the trust. yes, we can rebuild that.
the communication. we can make it better.
the honesty and openness. we can focus on that to improve the marriage.
but the intimacy. thats really hard, because with the exception of the year we broke up, since high school, its been her and me. there is a specialness that would be really difficult to patch up. mind you i dont really care if anybody sees my wifes body parts. she has on several occasions while drunk, flashed her boobs...no biggie.
but the connection, the things we did...
thats eating me up. because we grew together, that we know each other so well because we taught each other and learned from each other...
that just gets my blood boiling.
i dont know how im going to get over that. i know its not about the sex thing for her..its mostly EA. but still.
as well if we get together, how do i fight off the hormones, and not let those and my emotions get thier wires crossed...
Time to heal for both of you. If and when that process starts, the first thing you will notice is when her love for you returns in a way that is so strong it's like when you were rabbits after first getting married. You make it making LOVE, not just sex. Keep both of your eyes open and looking into the others. The love will help you to over come those feelings. it's strength will blow your mind. Keeping your eyes open and focusing on her and her love will prevent the flashbacks. But one step a time my good man. First you have to get her out of the drunken stupor affair fog. Where are you at wiht the lawyer and giving her a seperation agreement? With telling her your plans for D if it doesn't change soon?
the papers have been served. she hasnt responded yet. im not looking for a divorce, simply because i dont believe in it...there is also a very good possibility that well use my lawyer for all the paper work stuff and try to decide everything through mediation.
since legal separation and divorce are basically the same thing thats where we stand.
she got a bit emotional about moving out...but at the same time shes committed to the idea. and i know she is still very much in contact with the OM.
im trying to plan A her while shes still in the house, but at the same time trying to keep a distance. im being nice, but not oertly so...in other wards were not fighting, and handling house and kid duties together, but ive made it know im not her friend, and that me and the OM will not share the same universe.
i think reality has dripped in a little...but not enough. and its gonna be hard to go NC with the little man, esp. because of schedules and child care and such..
im hoping that the stats from MB are right, that 95% of affairs die a natural chance.
all i need is a chance.
to reconcille,
to get my feelings out.
to show her that ive changed
to give her an opportunity to show me that our marriage means something.
and to have a better marriage.
she has been complementing me more..and i think shes scared to move out n her own...at the same time im sure hes building up her confidance..
but if what the OMX tells me is true, he cant keep it up for long...
and here ill be, improving my self, getting to be a better man and father, with 17 years of history and moment and injokes and comfort right here, with demands and N.U.T.S in hand, being no more mr. nice guy,
but being a better person than she could ever imagine...
My heart goes out to you Elph. I remember the feelings you describe and the pain. You are madly in love as I was when I was at that point and really she's not deserving of it. I admire your courage and sticking to your goals and I pray for the right outcome. I'm not a religous person, but I started going to church every week and praying to god for his help - there are no athiests in a foxhole in war. It gave me some peace. I also a great brother in law I could talk to and confide in. The sounding board helped me keep my sanity. I wish I could give you a truckload of hope to get you through. Have you eliminated your monetary support of any kind and closed any access she has to your funds? Let her live the paupers life she will end up with. Don't jump if she asks for help. If she asks, tell her she knows the requirements for getting back together and you can't live as second choice. Stick to it, it will be or it won't. Unfortunately it's all up to her now.
The monetary thing is tricky. Her "uncle" who is very pro marriage and pro family decided very recently to give us both decent sums of money from his trust. In 2 individual checks to help ease the transition for us and our son. Suffice to say that will make things a lot easier for my wife to pay of her debts and live off her paychecks. me as well. But of course I want her to struggle. So the monetary thing is now a moot point and I don't see her blowing through the money unless the OM mooches off of her. I basically have to rely on the affair dying a natural death and hoping she realizes that the grass isn't greener.
As well I hope your right about the intimacy part. She still walks around the house naked or partial and it drives me nuts.
I guess that will be a very long conversation when it does happen. If she sticks to my rules ( 1. Make me feel special 2. No feelings of second place) then it should make it easier. But well have to get past the question and answers. Posted via Mobile Device
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Re: after d-day stuff.. 
