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after d-day stuff..

155K views 544 replies 57 participants last post by  Shaggy 
#1 ·
a short version of my story..
been together since HS. dated on/off for 10 years..married in 2004. 1 3yr old boy.
noticed her texts messages slowly rise since mid last year, but thought nothing of it till it hit the 4000 mark..in jan.11. went back to review and noticed a high percentage to one of her coworkers... he was in unhappy marriage and was on verge of geting divorce (which he filed for in dec.10). found evidence of sext pics dating to late sept. (timestamped with pic message sent 1 min after)
. late jan i confront about the txts (not the pic i found that out later) she denies, just friends, no attraction etc.
decide to use software for blackberry to log texts (which shesbeen deleting) got 4 days worth of stuff...

finds out they have been together but for unknown amount of time..i sit on this info trying to gather more, hoping shell wake up and leave him...start doing reserch on affairs and how to handle them properly...

anyway. decided i want to save the marriage. so i confront her with my evidence on sunday...at first she denies, then says its only a EA. then i bring in other text that establish a PA (in that time she says its not cheating because no physical stuff, its not a big deal, and they broke it off weeks ago...all untrue, also said only lasted 2 1/2 months)

she does the phone call to let him know i know about affair...she cant transfer or anything i know hes not willing because hes a dept. head. but she made the decision to break it of (reluctantly) and so far stay for her family( not really me, but son..has no where to go and she knows i wont let her take him)

shes showing signs of transperancy, letting me see all texts, informing me of stuff, though shes undecided if she wants to stay in marriage. weve been going through therapy and have session next tues.

but heres my big problem and the issue i have right now.

Watching her get over the heartbreak of losing the other relationship/friendship. its killing me because shes so not engaged with me besides small talk. shes angry and says she hates me...but shes trying...she says shes lost and depressed. i dont know if they talk at work (the work together 3 days). i sent him a stern warning that i know about them and he should move on or ill go to his exwife who works for same company as well as his mom(hes a big mamas boy)

any advice how to get through this phase because i really didnt expect it to be so hard, even with a month of resaerch and prep...
 
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#285 ·
You can throw one offer to NC and stay home. Then shut up.
 
#286 ·
That's not gonna happen. Shea committed to moving out because stuff has been bought and all that crap.

And in reality, shea just not that far enough to get out of the relationship. So shell be off to fail on her own.

We had the talk with our son tonight.
And it happened just as I thought it would. I did most of the talking. My wife sat behind him hugging him while I told him how much we loved him, not his fault and how mommy and daddy rant getting along and mommys gonna move out. And he's gonna have two rooms. Etc.

For 3 1/2 I think he handled it well. Reaffirmed the I love yous. I said I love you to my son and he replied with the I love you too. My wife said the same, but the response was quite different. She had to ask a do you love mommy because he wouldn't answer and he replied with a no. He understands what's going on if notthe words. And he verbalized that he wasn't happy.

At this point I'm sick to my stomach.

I hope that MFers worth it to her cuz right now I wanna beat the living s outta him. And I'm about as angry as I've ever been at my wife. I wanna say a whoever lotta stuff that'll pretty much destroy her. But I'm better off not

For now.
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#287 · (Edited)
I just put my husband out tonight because he went to the OW house again and then lied to my face about it. I know how you feel and I am sorry that you are going through this. It's a scary thing for woman or man to have to go through and wonder how we will be able to handle being sole provider and mother and father. I wish I had more words to comfort you but I am at a lost myself and feeling all of a sudden sick to my stomach. Wishing you the best.
 
#288 ·
Good luck with your 180 Elph. I know how sad you are and I hope it works out before you've moved on. Praying for you . Over the years I've known mothers that have left their children but I'll never come close to comprehending it. I guess there just something completely missing in their psyche. As soon as possible get out and have some fun.
 
#289 ·
Just my opinion Elph, who gives a **** about what has been bought or plans made. After the discussion with your son and the way she is behaving, giving her a safe haven with a requirement of NC may be just what it will take to turn her. The 180 in my opinion creates a seperation and convinces them you are done.
 
#290 ·
After the discussion with your son and the way she is behaving, giving her a safe haven with a requirement of NC may be just what it will take to turn her. The 180 in my opinion creates a separation and convinces them you are done.
NC with elph or with the OM? If it's the former, that is worse than the 180 because that is a de facto telling her that he's done with her. If it's the latter, how is he going to be sure she abides by it?

In many cases, a separation is simply a prelude to divorce. It creates an emotional detachment and makes it easier for the unfaithful to continue with the affair but this time out in the open and with less guilt since for her "separated=single". I hope I'm wrong, I truly do.
 
#291 ·
His wife is refusing to stop the affair and has even had his son with her when she has seen the OM . Elph has little room to manouver , has a wife who is unwilling to commit to the marriage and with advice from her IC wants to move out. He will switch to Plan B once she is out of the house, his son stays with him , it would have been preferable she did not see her family at all but as it is she will.

She will have to get her EN met from the OM and from what I can read the OM is not doing that well at it, the Plan B is to protect Elph , if his wayward wife returns before the divorce is final then it is Elph's choice to take her back.
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#292 ·
Eli got it mostly on point.

She's still lagging on filing part of her separation papers.

And I agree 8years. The money spent means nothing. But that's not her perception.

The 180 is for my self. As well as preparing tobe a better dad and to prepare to date again at some point. Maybe even date my wife.
Our plan b is slightly different because she will be able to see my won and have some contact with me because of it shell see the changes I've made. As for her EN I've done a good job the past month or two showing her I can do them. I've made it very clear what I want. That reconcilliation is possible but only if NC is established first. I have spy's at her jobto help me with that

Shell also be getting my plan b letter which will lay everything out againand I'm going to send a letter to her therapist simply to explain my side of things so she knows where I'm coming fro. Should she need to steer th sessions that way.

But for now it's protect me and my son she knows there's a safe harbor here, but there are requirements no compromise.
Oddly enough I find myself talking alot ore firmly to her than ever to get her to listen. And I have to say I see a NOTICEaBLE change in her reaction when I do so. She's quite and kinda sits at attention. I talked to her somewhat gruffly of how I felt about the talk and what I want. She was Ina pissy mood nut when o changed my tone of voiceand got serious, it disappeared and she listened

If we get back together, I may have some serious fun with this :)
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#293 ·
I wish you the best of luck Elph. Praying for you my man. No athiests in a foxhole!
 
#294 ·
Are you requiring she be financially independant in this move out?
 
#296 ·
You already know how these things usually play out. The secrecy and thrill that they got while sneaking around will be gone, and reality sets in. The affair become just another relationship, a relationship built on lies. Lies used to deceive everyone else. The grass only looks greener on the other side of the fence because its fertilized with bullsh!t.

I sincerely hope that you get the begging on knees, blubbering, mascara running down the chin moment. You've been here long enough to know the strict requirements she would have to follow to even get a shot at R.

If not, then you can be secure in the knowledge that you tried and can move on with your life accordingly. Never live in FEAR that they will not come back like so many others do.
 
#297 ·
8years. for the most part shell be on her own financially. the only thing she wont is auto insurance. since were combined ill still be paying that, but shes covering health insurance, so its a fair trade.

lord mayhem. your completely right.
the one thing i have been doing, despite what others may or may not agree to how ive handled the situation in general is playing the statistics, and playing to the knowledge of knowing my wife. shes so text book its not even funny. and if what i under stand is true.

97% affairs die a natural death within 2 years (i estimate the real begining as oct/nov '10, not jan'11 like she says)
most affairs end in 6 months after exposure (that would be the holidays for us)
75% of couples try to reconcille or dont divorce after the affair (not just friends, by shirly glass)
50% of couples who stay together for the kids end up finding love again.

these are enough for me to give it a shot and become one of the more positive statistic.

and im not going to lie, i would love to get tehe crying on your knees moment. but more than that, i want denouncement of the OM. ive heard that sometimes the effects or feeling for the AP linger. i want her to denounce him for the waste of time, controlling manipulative, passive agressive mistake that he is. i want hate.

conversely i want her to pursue and praise me, like im god.

im not going to get it, but i will take a reasonable facsimile.

but one day at a time, and she still has to move out.

and i have to keep all the images out of my head...
 
#299 ·
So Plan A is almost over.

This weekend, i helped my wife move the remaining furniture shes taking to her place.
WHAT!! helped her move you say, screw that. its her problem you say?

yeah, i know. but i wasnt gonna let that ******* anywhere near my house. and im Plan A till the very last. and it was beneficial through out the whole weekend.
on saturday, we moved the stuff together. as a team. i finished up my sons room. its nice, and i hope hes happy. i poked and prodded my wife for what little answers i could get. i even out right asked why him.
she of course gave me an i dont know. but she then confirmed what i had known for a while. i asked if he gave her the "if i was your boyfriend" speech. and she said yes. but with a look in her eyes that said to me "how could i have fallen for it"
after the move we returned the uhaul truck. we gased it up and returned it. afterwards when we were driving to get some grub, my wife remarked how when i was pumping gas and when i was lifting some of the heavier stuff, she saw my arms work. she noticed how big they were getting. and how strong. she then broke down ans said if she doesnt figure stuff our, how somebody was going to get really lucky..(yeah, i know right)

sunday started out okay.
she told me how the OMX has been coming by her store the past few tuesdays. and this last time she saw them talking in the front of the store. well per my wifes story, they headed back in, but he had distanced himself far enough ahead of her to interecept his X that my wife felt like he bailed on her. her great protector took off to save his own face. but my wife also has it in her head that he may try to reconcille with the X. (something i think shes making up)

she told me about that red flag, and that shes mentioned to her IC several others. the IC could only ask how many red flags was it going to take. I got no answer on that one. but after his little bail, they got into a fight. he called her style of fighting relentless (something he cant handle, but i can) in theory she also told him i went down to Disneyland. prob. to piss him off.

she then brought up the fact hes going to another store to train employees and theyre trying to make him transfer permanently . something my wife said shes not discouraging.

the rest of the day was getting a few things for her apt. and taking our son out for some playtime.

she did try to lash out on sat. but i saw it coming and just kept my plan in mind. to not give into the fights, because thats what she wanted to appease her guilt. instead i was firm and took control of the situation. and she responded.

i gave her my plan B letter this morning. shes coming by to pick up the last of the basics, and watch my son. and then itll begin tonight.

well see how it goes from here. but i think i put in her enough knowledge of who i am and how i can be if she decides to help fix the marriage, i even listed waht was necessary in the letter...we can only see what happens next.
 
#300 ·
I think your right on the money ELPH. Let it play out.
 
#305 ·
And So it happened.

She moved out (for the most part) tonight.

My modified plan b begins. It was a relatively emotional night. Thankfully my son was wired so he took some of the energy. And distracted things a bit.

I think because I saw this coming and I know I've done my best to be the best I can be, it isn't hurting as much as I thought.

Of course ask me tomorrow and it may be a lot different.

And at the same time, I've got no choice but to embrace being a single father. If I can be a good single father and learn, I'll be a better father when I'm in a relationship.

Of which, the count down begins. I'm still giving her the holidays.
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#306 ·
Elph it will be tough for the next few days but it will get easier, go as dark as you can with your wife, even the slightest engagement from you feeds her and the affair.

I suggest you prepare yourself for a long haul or perhaps permanency , I truly hope your wife returns remorseful but for your own sake assume the worst , step away from her , get your life in order and live it the way you want to . Don't give yourself timelines when you think she may return, she may never come back , she needs to fall to rock bottom before she realises what she has done and often pride prevents them from doing what they know is right and they would rather live the lie unhappy than take steps to recover the marriage.

Sorry for the downer , it's your well being I am thinking of .
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#307 ·
one week since she moved out...

i found out the OMX FINALLY dropped the bomb on him. she told him that shes known about the affair. his reaction was the typical one youd expect. shifting, denial, modifiying or lying about facts. she told him she knew everything. but he just played the role of the OM like a fiddle...the best part is when he mentioned that our marrige is over and that were getting divorced....

but were just getting a legal separation. something my wife even made clear she would rather do as opposed to a divorce.


tonight, my son had his first night over at mommies house. ive been pretty good gong into this modified plan B. we havent talke about anything but drop off and pickups. now how are you's. her and her mom have been getting into it a bit lately too...

but i drop my son off. about 15 minutes later i get a call because hes losing his mind.
so i head back to calm him down til he goes to sleep.

im there kinda quiet. not saying anything just watching tv.then my wife starts talking, and the next thing i know shes telling me a bunch of stuff on how its going. how shes miserable and hates her apt. then she goes into how shes going to take a leave of absence from work to sort things out and focus on our son. she tells me how shes so lost and confused. she still has feelings, but she doesnt know what love is.

she telling me how shes trying to take a breather from everything and that shes told the OM to back off, but hes trying to get closer and closer. i think shes even tried to break up with him and hes said not the kind of guy you just get rid of, and that it wount be that easy (or something to that effect)

shes telling me about her past few therapy sessions. how she feels like hes trying to come between her and her son...

but she cant bring herself to pull away completely.


i didnt say much. i just listened. but before i left, i reiterated my stance an dwhat i would expect should the day come.



suffice to say, i take everything with a grain of salt...but it was interestin none the less.

and my son finally went to sleep, an 1 1/2 past his bed time...
 
#308 ·
She's leaning toward your side of the fence and that's good. I know your plan B but the one thing I would do is offer her safe haven. You will help shut him down permanantly if she will she will give you the nC letter to send. If he doesn't stop, you'll help her pull a restraining order. Just remind her your there to work it out if she chooses to do so. You may find it's it's enough to get her off the fence.
 
#310 ·
oh the OM's soon to be ex has been quite the ally. she has no desire to be with him anymore and is moving on.

this morning she called to tell me how my sons first night went.

she went on to mention how between a text he sent her @ 930 and when i left @ 10 he text her an additional 7 times, with a hows it going, anything wrong.etc. BUT he also tried to call her 6 times too...

got that. she didnt respond right away, and he got all kinds of posessive.

she said to me this morning.

"it looks like i've got a psycho on my hands"

i thing when she tried to break it off with him, he naturally got scared. but saying how he just can be gotten rid of is insane.

now im not getting my hopes up. in fact i know this will happen about 4 more times before shes done. but she also mentioned how shes still going to take time to sort herself out and that it doesnt mean were getting back together.

and thats fine. i just want her out of the affair, and we'll take it from there. that said, im still moving on. i cant be friends with her and watch her date other men either.

but if i focus on my self, things will fall into place...

but the show isnt over yet...
 
#314 ·
im hesitant to give her too much info at this point till i know something positive, but it would all start with the NC letter.

the thing is, she doenst know that i would send a copy to HR. as well, but an uncomfortable look from him would prompt a sexual harrasment claim. but shes too passive to enact one. thats why id send to HR and make them fully aware of the situation.

as well, hes going to another store to train employees, and there is the posibility that they are forcing a transfer to that store. I believe my wife is relying on that to get her out of the situation. but it means squat till it happens.


i forgot to mention what happend last weekend.

my son lost his **** 2 days in a row. the first day, i called my wife and had her listen to him cry for her to come home, or have me go drive and bring her back. after we showed him his new room the following day, i drove him home and it was more of the same thing. she called to check on him and heard him crying in the background.

it had to be the WORST SOUND IVE EVER HEARD.

it completely and utterly broke my heart in ways ive never been hurt before.
but at the same time it reinforced the strength i need to continue to fight for my family. its just a matter of her coming around.

of which, i think hes crying for her was the light that mayve shined through the fog.
but dont quote me on that. if it didnt, then he has a stronger hold from the dark side than i couldve imagined.

as well, hearing him cry like i did strengthened my hatred to a whole new level. hes now inflicted pain upon my son, he is now a marked man...
 
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