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after d-day stuff..

155K views 544 replies 57 participants last post by  Shaggy 
#1 ·
a short version of my story..
been together since HS. dated on/off for 10 years..married in 2004. 1 3yr old boy.
noticed her texts messages slowly rise since mid last year, but thought nothing of it till it hit the 4000 mark..in jan.11. went back to review and noticed a high percentage to one of her coworkers... he was in unhappy marriage and was on verge of geting divorce (which he filed for in dec.10). found evidence of sext pics dating to late sept. (timestamped with pic message sent 1 min after)
. late jan i confront about the txts (not the pic i found that out later) she denies, just friends, no attraction etc.
decide to use software for blackberry to log texts (which shesbeen deleting) got 4 days worth of stuff...

finds out they have been together but for unknown amount of time..i sit on this info trying to gather more, hoping shell wake up and leave him...start doing reserch on affairs and how to handle them properly...

anyway. decided i want to save the marriage. so i confront her with my evidence on sunday...at first she denies, then says its only a EA. then i bring in other text that establish a PA (in that time she says its not cheating because no physical stuff, its not a big deal, and they broke it off weeks ago...all untrue, also said only lasted 2 1/2 months)

she does the phone call to let him know i know about affair...she cant transfer or anything i know hes not willing because hes a dept. head. but she made the decision to break it of (reluctantly) and so far stay for her family( not really me, but son..has no where to go and she knows i wont let her take him)

shes showing signs of transperancy, letting me see all texts, informing me of stuff, though shes undecided if she wants to stay in marriage. weve been going through therapy and have session next tues.

but heres my big problem and the issue i have right now.

Watching her get over the heartbreak of losing the other relationship/friendship. its killing me because shes so not engaged with me besides small talk. shes angry and says she hates me...but shes trying...she says shes lost and depressed. i dont know if they talk at work (the work together 3 days). i sent him a stern warning that i know about them and he should move on or ill go to his exwife who works for same company as well as his mom(hes a big mamas boy)

any advice how to get through this phase because i really didnt expect it to be so hard, even with a month of resaerch and prep...
 
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#372 · (Edited)
First of all, I'm so sorry you went through this elph, the heartache must've been unimaginable.

You can't of reconciled with her being in love with another man, it's simply impossible. Most men would've gave up a VERY long time ago and she made a very bad character judgement by engaging with this individual. Even had you reconciled the feelings would've been there for a long time. A constant lingering thought of what if, anytime you have a hiccup in the relationship her mind will automatically revert to him. When the affair reaches a level where the cheating spouse falls in love with their affair partner, it's safe to conclude that this marriage is well and over. Their relationship however will not last, it's almost guaranteed. Like Mori says give her the divorce and move on with your life.

Valentine's day is here and you know what? it's just another day in the end.
 
#374 ·
Sorry. Been busy.

Let's see, she cancelled mediation. Her excuse. She wanted her own representation. Which to date she still doesn't have. And still hasnt completely filed.

Everything I hear from her is mostly a repeat of things she's been saying. How she's seeing more and more from him and her feelings are changing. Blah blah blah.

I've been slowly creating more and more space. I try not to go over to to her place too early to pick my son up or on "her days". She's tried to spend the night on several occasions. It I've said no. Lotsa little changes that may or may not be getting to her.

As well I've contacted a real estate agent to sell the house. I can't afford it on my own, and quite frankly am planning on moving back to our home town where she already lives to send our kid to school there.

As well I've started apt hunting. She's says she wants to help me pack and find a place and such. She's sent me links to places that, while in the parameters of what I'm looking for, 2 bd 1 bath apt. The ones shes sent are over my budget by a couple hundred. No prob if I had a "roomate" but by my self a little tight.

As sad as it is I'm also kinda excited to get my own place. A man place.

At the same time her lease is up soon. And I was told by my mom in law that she's burning through her savings.

As well he keeps pushing her to move in with him, near his mom ( who cooks. Leans and does laundry for him). But she hates where he lives. And doenst want to move in as well she knows what that'll mean for her and our son.

So take from that what you will. The grass on the other side is sprouting weeds, while over here we've got a nice shady tree and might even see some beautiful flowers soon.
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#380 ·
I'd say from what I gather he's hardly been able to keep her in a cage. From what I understand he was used to calm fights with his ex. She would just walk away when it got to a point. My wife is quit the opposite. She's all spitfire and cursing and screaming. He can't handle her like I used to. I heard a voice mail he left once months ago after one of her lambasting. He sounded like a whiney little *****. Seriously. He was pandering and trying some passive aggressive manipulation stuff. Really weak stuff. Or as my wife said. He acts like a weenie.

So different than I was. I might gotten a little beta after the birth of our son. But I was never that bad.
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#378 ·
At this point i think getting in a new relationship is not what I can handle. However anything else would be cool.

As for trusting her. I wouldn't 100%. But that goes for all women now. But our shared history and our son work to her benefit if she's willing to do the heavy lifting if/when she wants back.

That said, the ppl she work with and who "spy" for me tell me it isn't all puppy dogs amd rainbows. He's become needy amd clingy. Always hovering around her. He's pushing alright and it's been said that she's been pushing back. As well she got transferred out of her department that she loved working in to a different department. One she's not to find of. And she knows the affair has something to do with it. I don't think their relationship is gonna last. My therapist has said as much as well as all suppored info



Oh one more thing I forgot, his soon to be ex told me about this thing be has called epididymitis. I told her about it because not only was I concerned but it could affect me. Oddly enough she didn't know he had it. She confronted him and boy did he not like it. Not to mention there was only one source. So he ended up texting his ex, who forwarded the text to me. It said please drop off kids at scheduled time, and please don't share my medical history with,,,(me). My case of epididymitis is my concern". Even tho it isn't.
My wife found out about that text. The kicker is he told her that he laid in to his ex and put her her in her place. That he "handled" it. The reality is the text was the only communication they had. So she called him out on the text, the lie and the sharing of info.
The ex got another text that said " you shared the text with ..(me). What's the point?"

He's become extremely cold to his ex, where he was trying to warm up to her a month ago. I know it doenst mean much. But now I'm in tha f'ers head. And that feels good.
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#385 ·
It may seem like it. But I've decided to not live in limbo anymore. If she decided to come back then there are things shell have to do. If not. Then she doesn't. Because we have a son well always have contact and its in his best interest that I act like an adult even if she isn't.

As well, and as my therapist has said, I have an opportunity for growth. I should take advantage of it. Become a better person. It can only help me. And she'll either see it or somebody else will. I'm not gonna stop something from happening with someone else. But I'm not activly seeking it either. I'm starting to enjoy some of the quiet time I have to become a better person.


At the end of the day, do I think well get back together? I'd say 75% chance. But so long as they're in contact, 0% chance. And I can't control that. Just myself. So that's what I'll worry about from here on out. The other stories. ( like the epididymitis just amuse me)
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#383 ·
She isn't moving in with him. I'm sorry if I gave that impression

She actually has no desire to move out of the city she lives in that's where we grew up and where we want our son to grow up. From what I've learned she's been telling him no its not going to happen. As well shed know that it would limit time with her son cuz there's no way in hell I'd let him around my boy. ESP after I learned how he is with his kids.

The reference of how she's willing to help me move is one part guilt one part having a choice in where I move because she maybe thinking about where she'll move. Know what I mean. But it won't be that easy. Basically it's a sh1t test.
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#386 ·
Your right. But that doenst mean I have to make it easy. Her family's on the same side too. And it's her aunt (who my son loves) that babysits for us. That would disappear. And she knows it. She also knows my flexibility with the schedule would change dramatically something that's been very beneficial to my son.

Oh and there have been a few incidents where my wife has been scared when they fight that is cause for concern she's even told her friend who would be witness for me if nescassary. So I'm making sure to cover those bases just in case.
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#389 ·
Her friends are also my friends. As well their daughter plays with my son alot. They'll fight for what's in my sons best intrest and as well they hate the OM. He actually got into a situation at work with my friend who was a vendor for the grocery store they work at. There's no love there at all.
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#390 ·
I'm goin with the odds that ive read somewhere. I think it was not just friends by Shirley glass. As well with what I believe can happen. If she really wanted to be with him, we would've gone through the system by now.
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#394 ·
Bandit, Its not an open marriage. We don't live together, I've filed for legal seperation. Shes the one who hasn't taken it any further. And for the most part I've been progressing in terms of moving on. Is it my first choice? No. Would I like to reconcile? Yes. But I can only control so much.

I understand how u may think this,and your not wrong for your opinion. As is anybody else who thinks I should just ditch her. However every situation is different.
Being a child of divorce I resent my mother for her ending the marriage to my dad. I don't know the whole story, but I know her history since and it's not good. Mean while my dad is married and happy. My mom also ended thier marriage in her early 30s and intact mayve been cheating. At the time I was the only kid I knew who parents were divorced. And that happened right around puberty.

Does this affect my decision? Yes. And if I can keep my son from dealing with what I did, I will. My wife has said that if she came back to the marriage she would be unhappy. Yet she tried to schedule things for us todo, and in her words she likes doing them. That said she's also said when I'm not around she misses me, but when I am she gets angry.

It's all hogwash and her rewriting the history.

I know her better than that. Even if she's acting like an alien has taken over her body.
That said, the OM has learned a few tricks to about her and how to deal/manipulate her so she keeps coming back. ( like after a fight not communicating with her for a couple of days. My wife can't stand it and it works.) th reality is the OM put in all the effort in the beginning and he's been coasting ever since. It's been a low risk high reward situation for him till now.

Again if she comes back and does the heavy lifting. We can make it work. If she doenst I'm cool too. All the learnin and healing I've done for myself works either way.

Cuz I'm awesome.
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#396 ·
This is interesting, looks like he caught it from someone maybe.


•In men younger than about 39 years of age, the causes are usually the same organisms that cause the sexually transmitted diseases of chlamydia (responsible for nearly 50%-60% of cases) and gonorrhea. The bacterial species are Chlamydia trachomatis and Neisseria gonorrhea, respectively.


•In those older than 39 years of age, the causes are usually coliforms, which are bacteria (such as Escherichia coli) that live in the intestines. These organisms also frequently cause bladder infections. Any age of men who participate in anal intercourse are more likely to get infected with E. coli or other fecal bacteria. Epididymitis is rarely caused by fungi or Mycobacterium spp.
 
#401 ·
Hopefully I / we will be setting up a precedent for it not happening again.
I know what lead her down the slippery slope. I've heard her reasoning for why she got caught up in the affair. And 50% of that reason is the OM. He went after my wife. When he realized our marriage was vulnerable he tailored his conversations toward how bad I am and how good he is. I found this out during my wife's break ups/moments of clarity. He even gave her the "if I was your boyfriend" speech. As well his ex told me of how much he would talk about her before they broke up.

I believe my wife when she says she didn't mean to get into the affai. She didn't actively seek it out. She was weak and has crappy boundaries. And he took advantage of it. Once she became emotionally involved, he let up on the gas.

He played her well, I'll give him that. The fog has done all the rest.

I. An even pinpoint when our marriage started the down turn. Before that, we were very much in love. She just has no perspective on life, on how a new son and new house was going to affect out marriage.

But know we know. If we were to reconcille it would definatly be different.
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#404 · (Edited)
Elph,

I wouldn't even be talking to her or palling around with her if I was her husband and she treated me that way. Getting her help to find an apartment? Really? Tell her to f*ck off!

Your not her friend. You are her husband and you need to stand up to her and tell that she needs to stay away or rejoin you as a wife.

Quit being a pussball!

My God where has our society gone?...creating girly-men like this?
 
#405 ·
Elph,

I wouldn't even be talking to her or palling around with her if I was her husband and treated me that way. Getting her help to find an apartment? Really? Tell her to f*ck off!

Your not her friend. You are her husband and you need to stand up to her and tell that she needs to stay away or rejoin you as a wife.

Quit being a pussball!

My God where has our society gone?...creating girly-men like this?
Actully I don't hang out with her. I see my son, yes. But we don't schedule any kind of family events. There are things that are unavoidable. School stuff. But we don't hang out. 95% of any conversations we have is related to our son. The rest is house related.

As well she offered to help me. I don't need her help. It's her blatant attempt and trying to hold on to me at the same time. I'm not stupid. I see it coming a mile away. She's pushing apartments on me that she would like to live at. As in if we get back together. I can tell she's setting it up. But they're outside my budget. So there's that.

I have to be a certain way with her, ESP when my sons around. It's common decency at best, avoiding court problems at worse.

It seems that I'm delusional or in some kinda fog. And I'd agree with that mid last year. But I'm moving on. The door will be left open to a degree for my sons sake and for a desire to work it out. But I'm not holding in to that. I'm not looking for a relationship right now. But I wont stop it from happening either.
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