after d-day stuff..

8yearscheating · 08-01-2011, 06:14 PM

Before you talk to the son, what is it your going to talk about. Unless she is committed to getting divorced, why would you say anything?

Shaggy · 08-01-2011, 08:35 PM

Don't let the good feelings and hope that Disneyland gave you make you soft in dealing with her. She's going to want you to soften the blow to your son when you tell him that she's abandoning her family for the OM.

If you let her con you into making this easier for her, you're enabling the affair. She created this mess through her choices, it's hers to explain and make right to your son. Then she'll leave and have you pick up the pieces and try to make it not too scaring on him.

I do not understand how any mother could do that to a child they love.

elph · 08-01-2011, 11:55 PM

I don't understand it either.

We went to a therapist about this. Since there is going to be a dramatic shift in the living arrangements and such we had to find out how to tell him and help him cope. And I'm definitely not trying to make thus easy for my wife. Quitethe opposite. I'm hoping this will be part of what snaps her out of the fog. When he starts asking for me when hes over there and vice versa.

I don't get it. Amd it's so unnecessary. But this is what my wife has chosen so she should receive the full effect of it.
Like I said, hopefully this will help her out of the fog.

I said in a different thread, my wife is not a bad person, she just made some really bad decisions. And this is one that she will never be able to escape. I'm hopin Thayer can reconcille by the time her lease is up if not sooner and it'll be nothing but a bad dream to him.
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morituri · 08-02-2011, 08:47 AM

The problem with separations is that more often than not they either lead to divorce or an emotional detachment which promotes the creation of secondary relationships (affairs). I just hope that in your case, it is the exception and not the rule.

8yearscheating · 08-02-2011, 09:06 AM

You need to specifically ask her the question - Do you want our son to think we permanently separated? He will. What do expect me to tell him when he asks if your ever coming back? All I can say right now is no your not ever coming back.

Yes you want her out of the fog. Don't let your son be a tool for doing it. Long term it could cause some real damage to how he feels about your wife and she needs to understand that is where this is leading.

elph · 08-02-2011, 09:08 AM

Well she's already got the affair. But from what I understand he's already starting to shoot himself in the foot.

My hope is that I'll get the absence makes the heart grow fonder thing along with the missing her son thing. That's why I've been doing all this, like going to Disneyland. To try to re establish an emotional connection.

And like they say, the grass isn't always greener.
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sexuallyfustrated · 08-02-2011, 09:09 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by 8yearscheating

I'll tell him I do vasectomies with a 12 ga slug! I can shoot the nuts off a fly at 25 yards with a 45 so he should be no problem! He won't hear a 30-06 at 1000 yards - he'll just be a bag of **** on the ground. Better yet, I'll use a 50 cal 2000 yards so I can watch his head explode like a watermelon and his body fly fly 30 feet self propelled! Watch your back boy, you'll never see it coming! Ought to have his a$$ a quivering bag of fear in no time! For the wife, what kind of **** have you crawled in bed with? He's worthless and has 3 other stupid wenches just like you! Glad you like sloppy thirds and all the diseases that go with it! ASk your dirtbag to marry you and watch how fast runs he runs to the next state!

.....WOW

Where is my offer to do that for me

joking

8yearscheating · 08-02-2011, 09:10 AM

Yes - but don't talk to your son without having the conversation I suggested FIRST with her. HE didn't do this and doesn't deserve her stupidity turning his world upside down.

elph · 08-02-2011, 09:11 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by 8yearscheating

You need to specifically ask her the question - Do you want our son to think we permanently separated? He will. What do expect me to tell him when he asks if your ever coming back? All I can say right now is no your not ever coming back.

Yes you want her out of the fog. Don't let your son be a tool for doing it. Long term it could cause some real damage to how he feels about your wife and she needs to understand that is where this is leading.

Absolutely true on all accounts. I hope its that concept that helps pull her out.
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8yearscheating · 08-02-2011, 09:11 AM

Gladly Frustrated!

sexuallyfustrated · 08-02-2011, 09:33 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by elph

I'm not nescasarily holding out hope. She is moving out and I am focusing on myself.

But at the same time. I still love her. She's still the mother of my child. And I don't believe that she's 100% into him. I know my wife better than anybody else. I know she's still in the fog and I know the statistics work in MY favor. But she's gonna have to learn the hard way the grass isn't greener. I'm not accepting of this. Thata why she's moving out. She isn't doing it by choice. Same with the separation. She's using my attorney to take care of business.

What's that tell u?

By the holidays the affair should be over if I know her. She needs to grow up as is and this will force her to do it.
After 17 years I know I still want to spend the rest of my life with her. But not while the affair goes on. Amd when it ends well have a lot of work to do to fix it. But it's possible

For once I'd like to be one of the success stories here. After all that's gone on I think it can happen. Alot of people wonder why I still hold out hope or deal with it.
It's because that's what I do.

I'm sorry for those whose marriages don't work out. But I have no desire to be part of that group and I think our marriage will eventually survive.
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Are you serious. Sorry for what! It's your marriage, your life, your family. Do what YOU think is best for you. Your fighting for what you want at the same time you making it plan that her affair will not be tolerated. What ever the case Elph, do what you feel is the best for you.

elph · 08-02-2011, 09:53 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by 8yearscheating

Yes - but don't talk to your son without having the conversation I suggested FIRST with her. HE didn't do this and doesn't deserve her stupidity turning his world upside down.

Were gonna have that conversation together but I'm gonna have her do most of the talking. This is her fault. It's heb job.
One day I hope my son never understands that his mom chose another man over him. I hope she gets out of the fog she's in because before this she loved her son like no other. That's one of the biggest changes she's made. She slowly coming back. But still deciding to move out. She still infers that it's at the suggestion of her therapist. Which I actually understand because my wife has alot of growing up to do. But that's still only 25% of the reason to me. The rest is to be with him. To see where it goes though almost everybody agrees it's going to fail amd miserable. And shell be left to pick up the pieces.

But that part, again if she's willing to do the work, we can do as a team.
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8yearscheating · 08-02-2011, 09:56 AM

Okay Elph - your doing the right thing by letting her make the decision and living with it.

elph · 08-03-2011, 02:33 PM

so my wife has started getting some of her stuff together, and shes planning to move the bedroom stuff out this weekend...

as much as i need this to happen to keep from going down a dark path, it feels alot like the day i found out about the affair.
and as much as i need the reality to set in for her to help get her out of the fog, the reality is setting in for me that there is a possibility of this ending completely.

although i do have hope, and iknow my wife well enough, and have seen some progress, there are still some unknown variables.
like she could like living on her own.
or she could break up with him, and in the midst of actually healing, find some one else.

but she mentioned again how she just feels lost and confused. and how shes gonna fall flat on her face.

the OMX called me today and told me how a totally different coworker mentiond that my wife said how controlling hes becoming.

i still place my bets that the holidays will be it. but this week is becoming alot harder than imagined. i want to be angry and start questioning everything because i might not get another chance. i want to yell and scream...

but as the 180 says, i cant back off of the hard earned changes. i have to avoid angry outbursts. as much as i want to get angry, if we fight before she leaves, then itll just justify it more in her mind, as opposed to giving her a good image to stick with until..

8yearscheating · 08-03-2011, 07:23 PM

You can throw one offer to NC and stay home. Then shut up.