as for the moving on and dating thing.
i di go out last night with a friend. talked to a few people, but nothing happened.
got messed up by drinking a little too much of this beer called racer 5. which i s odd cuz i can pack a way a 6 pack of regular beer no prob. but this stuff messed me up.
anyway, we waled back to my friends house and he went inside and i passed out in my car hoping to wake up in an hour to drive home.
well apperaently my friends girlfriend (who also work with my wife and are my "spies") came out and saw me passed out and texted my wife.
i started getting a slew of texts worried about me, asking if i wanted to drive over (about 10 blocks from where i was parked) and spend the night. how i should just sleep there or call a cab, but not to do anything stupid. that she was scared for me. how she was working on "getting her head out of her ass".how hre and my son wouldnt know what theyd do if they lost me. and a few other things. i guess i text her back and told he i was fine and that i wouldnt do anything stupid. and was able to drive home (around 4 in the morning) and got home safe.
ive basically been recovering the whole day. but it was nice to get out.
somebody made the suggestion on those days i drop off to dress nicer and not explain myself. something i already have in the works.
as well yesterday daytime i took my kid to the zoo. he had so much fun and was pointing out the animals and taking me to the exhibits. when we left he said maybe next time mommy can come with us.
i know not everybody agrees with what i do, and some people dont see my situation as salvageable. and it might not be. and i have to face the facts that i have to start moving forward. regardless. and thats not really a bad thing. im not completely holding out that we may reconcile.
but when my son says that, THATS why i leave the door ajar to give the opportunity for it to happen, if shes willing to do the work and follow the foundation i have in mind for reconciliation. because he deserves a whole family.
some people say that im teaching him something negative by that, and i see that point of view, but i also think i can teach him how to go through adversity, how to handle bad situations with dignity, and how to show compassion and to look at the bigger picture as well as how to fight for your family.
also, if i get to the OM somehow, i can teach him about how you dont F with a mans family.
the fact that hes rather large he "stretchs" her a bit which may lead to bacterial infections and well as pressure on her bladder.
This guy is a masochist. I wonder what his breaking point will be? Elph. I am not sure how low your self esteem is but these are horrible words for any husband to hear.
You said that you were in a fog, but now you are in a much better state. But is it possible that you are in a different fog now?
Can you tell us more about your counselor? I think he is a little bit too pro marriage here
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that she was scared for me. how she was working on "getting her head out of her ass".how hre and my son wouldnt know what theyd do if they lost me.
Yeah, right.I mean, how else can she show her concern about you other than f*cking this other guy. Your wife is manipulative here whether she knows it or not. Maybe she does not realize that she is doing it but she is manipulative. She is keeping you on the hook either in case the other relation does not work out or some emotional tampon. You said that she was emotionally immature. But how else is she going to learn from her actions if she will not face the consequences. You do something, face bad consequences, you stop doing that. If she is a slow learner(emotionally), it might take her a couple of extra times, but she will only learn once she faces the consequences. She will have to learn to be more mature But you think doing so is manipulative. I hate seeing such a good stand up guy like you going through such hell
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if shes willing to do the work and follow the foundation i have in mind for reconciliation.
with the way things are going right now, she won't. She will need to grow up a lot. But will she if she has no reason to?
"..the fact that hes rather large he "stretchs" her a bit which may lead to bacterial infections and well as pressure on her bladder...."
Any self-respecting man would throw up discussing these things about his wife .
Honestly no one should blame OP's wife for the way she has been treating him because OP doesn't have any problem with that .
"..the fact that hes rather large he "stretchs" her a bit which may lead to bacterial infections and well as pressure on her bladder...."
Any self-respecting man would throw up discussing these things about his wife .
Honestly no one should blame OP's wife for the way she has been treating him because OP doesn't have any problem with that .
Is he self-respecting?
I'm beginning to wonder. He talks like he's her brother.
I don't like it. None of it. I only approach the problem of her urinary tract infections froma clinical point of view why she's had so many more since dating this *******.
There is a bit of disconnect when I start trying to figure things out.
Because, like everyone else, when you find out your spouse is having an affair, you want answers. I've gotten some from her, her mom (when they talk) and our friends.
I'm very well aware how some part of her gets excited by this. Again her main reason for being with this guy is because he makes her feel special. So anything that stokes that emotional fire is ultimately good for her. My approach has to not contact her unless nesasscary. When I do drop offs I try to stay some what cold. And most definatly calm.
And weve (myself and her family) been trying to show her the consequences of her actions. She tries to get me to do stuff for her when I drop off my son. Or to plan family time together. As much as it hurts I've had to decline alot.
People may think I get off on this or enjoy it. I don't. Would I love to go into that store and beat him within an inch of his life for all to see. Hell yeah. Would I like to go off on my wife and leave her in a pool of her own emotional sludge. Absolutley. But the law protects him. And if I become "emotionally abusive" sh can use that against me. So my best bet is to keep quiet and bide my time. My main concer has to and has. Een for my son so I have to be very conscious how I act when he's around.
As for my self esteem. When this whole thing started. I was in the red. But have battled back. I'm. Nowhere where I was before this. But I am better and stronger. Posted via Mobile Device
Also.
Started the southbeach diet today. I'm currently 180. (at 5'7"). Need to get down to 165 (stupid good tasting winter foods/beer). Spring/summers coming sonic I'm gonna be out there again, got look my best / feel my best. This is something in doing for me, plus getting my health back on track for my son.
Phase one sucks and won't be easy but I'll be happy to make it through a week.
Nothing happens over night. Including my healing or my marriage dissolution or reconcilliation. But if I'm focused on the right things. The right things will happen. Posted via Mobile Device
Also.
Started the southbeach diet today. I'm currently 180. (at 5'7"). Need to get down to 165 (stupid good tasting winter foods/beer). Spring/summers coming sonic I'm gonna be out there again, got look my best / feel my best. This is something in doing for me, plus getting my health back on track for my son.
Phase one sucks and won't be easy but I'll be happy to make it through a week.
Nothing happens over night. Including my healing or my marriage dissolution or reconcilliation. But if I'm focused on the right things. The right things will happen. Posted via Mobile Device
Here's is exactly your problem. Your focused on the wrong things. She is not coming back until you turn on her.
You called him an a$$ hole, him and your wife are two peas in a pod. While you are suffering shes riding HIM. It would have been kinder if she had ran you over with a truck. There is only one possible thing you control that could possibly have an effect and thats to start hanging out with other women and make sure she knows it. You can't do that because she has ripped off your manhood and you have lost your courage.
Lastly, reread your thread, and grade yourself on how much progress you have made. I say little or none.
Then grade yourself on what a good father should have done. I say just about as bad an exampl as possible.
Here's is exactly your problem. Your focused on the wrong things. She is not coming back until you turn on her.
You called him an a$$ hole, him and your wife are two peas in a pod. While you are suffering shes riding HIM. It would have been kinder if she had ran you over with a truck. There is only one possible thing you control that could possibly have an effect and thats to start hanging out with other women and make sure she knows it. You can't do that because she has ripped off your manhood and you have lost your courage.
Lastly, reread your thread, and grade yourself on how much progress you have made. I say little or none.
Then grade yourself on what a good father should have done. I say just about as bad an exampl as possible.
heres the thing about going out and hanging out with women or finding a new girl. it takes abit of confidence to do so. and as anybody knows, an event like this rips it away from you. you have to build it back up. for some people, its quick, others its a lot longer. without confidence women dont want to be around you. period.
and believe me im starting to get to that point.
the other kicker about that is that i have my son 5 nights a week. so actually getting out is difficult. and all my friends. married. so the social network is a little thin. but i try to chat women up when im out running mundan errands, i take advantage of what i can.
it might not seem like it in my posts, but there have been changes, small and incremental as they are. but the first change is my mindset. and like i said above with confidence, it takes time. im not one of those guys who can flick it on and off like a switch. i can just say screw it and move on like others who are apearently better than me. ive been with my wife for 17 years, its just not that easy. but im getting there.
how ever i will take exception to the kind of father i am.
my job has to lessen the impact this has had on my son. weve maintained a routine similar to what i t was like before all this happened. this came at the advice at multiple psychologists and counselors. it hasnt been easy, to watch him cry when he just wants mommy to come back home. or when he asks if she can go to the zoo with us next time, and i have to tell him no.
i may not be father of the year, but im dong the best for my son, including trying to keep some sort of stability amongst all this chaos.
you might not agree with the way i handle my wife, fine.
but when it comes to how i deal with my son, id day he has quite the advantage that i didnt have when my parents got divorced. and he is what matters most.
i work with what i got, i may make some mistakes, and i may be stubborn and it may take a while to grow and heal. but the kind of father i am i will take exception to.
I already filed for legal seperation in June. I scheduled mediation which she cancelled so she could get representation. She has neither completely filed a response nor sought legal counsel yet. Posted via Mobile Device
I already filed for legal seperation in June. I scheduled mediation which she cancelled so she could get representation. She has neither completely filed a response nor sought legal counsel yet. Posted via Mobile Device
And she's not likely too either because you're still the back up plan. She has no reason to move forward to anything because she's enjoying her cake. She gets to bang OM while keeping you in reserve. She knows she's got you hooked to her through your son and that you're faithfully waiting out the affair.
No hurry at all.
So if your son was going thru what you're going thru, what would you advise him after seeing the pain and agony he's going thru while his wife cuckolds him?
if my son was going through this, id tell him to decide what he wants and to do what he thinks is necessary for his given scenario.
id also tell him that affairs dont last and that he has to decide if he would truly want her back. and at what cost.
but again, you assume that i enjoy whats going on.
ill state where i stand again.
i am trying to move on. im sorry its not as fast as some people would like.
there have been times when she broke up with him, times when she seemed adamant to move on, even having HR involved at her work. im not saying i would have gotten back together with her then, but i am saying that if she put for the "heavy lifting" then there could be a chance if she wanted to come back.
but because there is a son involved, whos dad had been the child of divorce. my perspective is alittle different than just "dump the ***** and move on"
nobody wants to believe that im taking steps, then fine. but i am.
but they arent as immediate and grandiose as people seem to require.
to even get back out there, to be with another woman takes some emotional enrgy that i cant muster up as easily as some. sorry.
does my wife use the fact that we have a son as a way to get to me and or come back to the marriage. yes.
if there is a chance at reconciliation, i will CONSIDER it, but that is based of the same basic premise that everybody seems to state in order for reconciliation to happen.
no contact
transperency/honesty/openness
etc...
i realize i have no control over what happens. that the only thing i have control over is myself.everybody seems to think that im the same as i was on d-day. but i know that im not. i know there've been changes. i know that i am already starting to move on, flirting a litlle with women here and there.
but its also just not that easy.
again, i have my son 5 nights a week. ontop of the other things that make it hard to meet women.that said, im not exactally 100% confident in myself, nor am i emotionally available to even want to be in another relationship. hell that s the last thing i need at this point.not only that i havent dated anybody else in 17 years, i just cant get right back up on the saddle ya know.
for all intents and purposes we are heading our seperate ways.
im selling the house and getting my own place. trying to do my own thngs. but our son is still the main priority and there are times when contact is unavoidable. we keep a normal as possible routine for him. so he gets to see both of us as much as possible.
as well everybody acts like my wife is some viscous harpy intent on destroying all that comes in her path.thats not the case. im not saying she perfect, obviously. but shes not one of those who is looking to just up and runa way with teh OM and start a new life with the OM. if she was, she woulda done it already. and as i mentioned, shes broken up with him 5 times, all of her own accord. and with nobody else pressuring her. The OM thoght knows exactly how to push her buttons to bring her back into the fold. (the old ignoiring trick, which has always worked really well). shes usually a good person, a good person who had a complete lack of boundaries, a good person who has made some horrendous decisions. a good person whose insanely naive. good person who went down that slippery slope, and by the time she realized what was going on, her emotions were all involved.
im not saying that what shes doing isnt wrong. and im not trying to defend her. her actions speak plenty. but i also take the whole view of who she is, at teh begining of the affair and for those first 6 months, she was the "alien who possesed my wife " kinda person. as my therapist said. right now shes a different person, totally self absorbed. but i aslo know the woman i married is in thre somewhere.
and if she comes out of it and wants to work on it, again, ill give it consideration, based off what shes willing to do.
but until then, if i find someone, or get my self n a nice situation, i sure as heck wont be saying no.
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Re: after d-day stuff.. 
