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after d-day stuff..

155K views 544 replies 57 participants last post by  Shaggy 
#1 ·
a short version of my story..
been together since HS. dated on/off for 10 years..married in 2004. 1 3yr old boy.
noticed her texts messages slowly rise since mid last year, but thought nothing of it till it hit the 4000 mark..in jan.11. went back to review and noticed a high percentage to one of her coworkers... he was in unhappy marriage and was on verge of geting divorce (which he filed for in dec.10). found evidence of sext pics dating to late sept. (timestamped with pic message sent 1 min after)
. late jan i confront about the txts (not the pic i found that out later) she denies, just friends, no attraction etc.
decide to use software for blackberry to log texts (which shesbeen deleting) got 4 days worth of stuff...

finds out they have been together but for unknown amount of time..i sit on this info trying to gather more, hoping shell wake up and leave him...start doing reserch on affairs and how to handle them properly...

anyway. decided i want to save the marriage. so i confront her with my evidence on sunday...at first she denies, then says its only a EA. then i bring in other text that establish a PA (in that time she says its not cheating because no physical stuff, its not a big deal, and they broke it off weeks ago...all untrue, also said only lasted 2 1/2 months)

she does the phone call to let him know i know about affair...she cant transfer or anything i know hes not willing because hes a dept. head. but she made the decision to break it of (reluctantly) and so far stay for her family( not really me, but son..has no where to go and she knows i wont let her take him)

shes showing signs of transperancy, letting me see all texts, informing me of stuff, though shes undecided if she wants to stay in marriage. weve been going through therapy and have session next tues.

but heres my big problem and the issue i have right now.

Watching her get over the heartbreak of losing the other relationship/friendship. its killing me because shes so not engaged with me besides small talk. shes angry and says she hates me...but shes trying...she says shes lost and depressed. i dont know if they talk at work (the work together 3 days). i sent him a stern warning that i know about them and he should move on or ill go to his exwife who works for same company as well as his mom(hes a big mamas boy)

any advice how to get through this phase because i really didnt expect it to be so hard, even with a month of resaerch and prep...
 
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#2 ·
You won't be able to get rid of the intense pain. If you are able to find a magic pill, please let me know. I'll trade my house for it.

Spend time with your child. Those little smiles and laughs are the best medicine in the world.

Work out hard. The physical pain of the soreness helps take your mind off of the emotional pain somewhat.

Get selfish. Meaning do some things you enjoy to do.

Music also helps somewhat.

I'm sorry you are here. You are not alone. It's a rough ride.
 
#3 ·
Do some more research. If she wants to stay with you she needs to quit her job. Break ALL contact with the OM. that is the only way you can get things moving forward. I/myself passed up a job because the OM would work at the business next to me. But if she really wants to work things out... No contact has to be done.
 
#4 ·
Who you need to tell or threaten him with,is the HR dept, of his company, or the company CEO---the last thing that company wants to face is the bad publicity/possible sexual harrasment lawsuit caused by one of its dept heads----he has a whole lot to lose here

But in all reality, there must be NC---so basically is she is still seeing him everyday, you have a problem---so either she leaves the job, or he gets transferred-----you can put a lot of pressure on whoever you want, cuz he has wrecked your family

They will come back at you to some extent, that your wife willingly participated, and you can counter she was seduced, and coerced---you are in a strong position---but you need to go after them YESTERDAY

As to your wife---you can' force her to do anything--if she is staying for the kid only, and hates you---you are gonna live a miserable life---so you need to start, an extremely strong 180, and see where all of this leads in time

But the one thing you must do is get the NC in place
 
#5 ·
Well in this economic climate she's not going to leave her job. Nor do I wnt her to. She's been with the company 14 years, opened her store and is well loved.

I actually found out just a bit ago from her mom ( who Im blessed to have as an in-law) told me he's completely backed off and maybe putting in for transfer. My wife is disappointed that I stood up to him. Even more so shes angry because he didnt " fight" for her.

She hates me, but she said alot of things in anger. She's always been a dirty fighter and I should've clarified that. but she's upholding her part with the transparency thing. I do appreciate all the advice but how does one deal with watching them go through the heartbreak they deal with while having the willpower to go on?
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#6 ·
That's the problem isn't it---she hates you---your last post nailed it---he wouldn't fight for her---and she wanted him to, as to you, you trampled on her man--You made her lover go away----you know where you stand---you the loving H., your the bad guy

Hopefully her actions will speak louder than her words, and maybe out of the ashes, somewhere down the line---you will have a mge.

Can you go thru life knowing she allowed another to have her, can you go thru life knowing she preferred him to you---how do you intend to reconcile yourself, to what she has done to you

Also know this, and it is important to your future---if you do not handle this very strongly, and I do mean strongly, so that she percieves no weakness in you---for if she percieves weakness in you, she will cheat again, knowing she can, and you will do nothing, cuz you basically slid this A. under the rug for her---she has to be accountable---she obviously is staying for the kid as she has stated, but if she truly hates you, and continues to do so---your kid is way better off, with a D., and split homes----you have a lot to think about, as to how you wanna play this out
 
#7 ·
you know, im going through personal therapy to, and my therapist is set on rebuilding my confidence...and she sbeen worth every penny.shes got me beliving in the best parts of my self, most importantly my will power to get through this...the tenacity ive shown to fight for my wife and family...
im definitely not letting her off the hook. i want her to heal from her breakup, then we can turn our attention to not only what she did wrong, but how its affected me and our son...but i know shes slowing coming out of the fog, and i want her mind to be clear when we get to the next step..

i know she doesnt really hate me...it was one of those anger things, we have a vacation planned for next week where were leaving town for a few days..and shes leaving her cell phone at home just as a sign of good faith, as well shes been talking aobut my birthday that comes up shortly after....its just watching this part of the process....

we broke up for a bit before we came back to each other to get married...and she dated this one *******...i mean he was a total ****..even abused her...but in the begining of thier relationship it was totally rosey...she told me all about after we got back together...

that stuff wasnt easy but i got over it..i figure itll be similar just a bit on the harder side
 
#8 ·
elph,

You seem to have a good, healthy attitude about the situation. Keep in mind that the relationship she's mourning is a fantasy. To say that she preferred him to you would be wrong. She doesn't know the reality of living with him and loving him after the honeymoon phase.

From what you've posted, it seems you're on the right track. Just keep it up. You can't control your wife's emotions, only yours. Be her friend and work on making improvements in your marriage. If things don't work out, you'll know you did what you could.


I'm glad you're going on vacation. When my husband and I went away together for the first time after D-day, it was a great escape. I hope things work out for you.
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#9 ·
Hey E---I hope it all works out, you want it badly---but you musn't do her heavy lifting---you can't want her part of the R---she has to be selfless, not selfish, which she has been---- No matter what you want, you can't live in a loveless marriage---watch her actions they will tell where all of this is going----be strong
 
#10 ·
LUvnyH makes alot of sense, see she just lost a fantasy, the excitement and all the trills are gone. Granted if time would have allaowed the reality of what a jerk this guy was would have set in and there would have been a good chance that you would have never known. She would have gone back to you knowing what a great man she had married and thing would have been great.

Well it didn't go down that way and you cut her fun right when it was just getting started. She is addicted and with time she will come down. Right now be firm but fair. until the drug of the OM is completelt eliminated she will struggle. I have the same probloem with booze. If I could just stay away from it I'd get over it.

Back to your wife, she not only lost her best friend but she has to deal with what a jerk he really was and that she even fall for him.

So be your wifes best friend and find out what caused her to stray, what was missing in your marraige and fix it. Make the changes that are needed in rebuilding the marraige. Once you both make the changes to have a healthier marriage she will enjoy them and hopefully stay in it.

Give hope that things will change for the better and the need for her step out will be eliminated.
 
#11 ·
This weeks been tough. I've been going the 180 route. Like I said we have a therapist appt this tues. It's actually our third. So we started seeing her before I came out and knew what was going on. My wife has told me everthing I did wrong regarding our marriage. How I was to critical and lecturing. How I seemingly neglected herb all kinds of thinks if actively tried to change. But she's still in the fog. We had a long all oven the place conversation. About how it started and some details. Some things dint add up. And her ficus is on not losing her job or me going to her employer. She also says she lost. Not in love with me but loves me. Doesn't know what will happen. I asked her if the OM makes her happy and she said yes , she couldn't explain Joe and just said he she has these intense feelings. She hasn't committed to him bur not to me either so it's been difficult. she says there's hope but doesn know. I k ow he OW is scared of me going to bosses. But it hasn't quite kept him at bay. But I think I can sweat it out. Thanks for the advice ppl
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#12 ·
You need to tell her---You know you cannot stop her from cheating---and you have no intention of trying---but you also tell her you will not SHARE her---so she needs to make some kind of decision NOW

She has no reality with her lover---they do nothing but whisper sweet nothings, and play with each other----she has no emergencies with him, no sweating over bills to pay with him, no hauling kids around with him, no goint to teacher conferences with him, no worrying about plumbing with him----it is all lovey--dovey----but guess what if she ends up with him the grass will not be greener, it will be a dirty shade of brown---97% of A. related hook-ups FAIL

She then becomes a cheating, divorced, single mother who will now have to work all the time, take care of kids when she comes home tired from work, and she will be to tired to socialize, ---plus no solid guy is gonna take her on---she will have a series of ONS's not knowing who she is waking up next to---that is what she is looking at---

She is not looking at a very nice lifestyle if she goes off with her lover---but that will be her problem--

-you do what you must do, and what is best for you
 
#15 ·
Well as most thugs it's alittle complicated. She keeps telling me she doesn't deserve me. And this week is vacation which means she will have no physical contact with him. She's really hoping to use this week to heal and get over it. And she's very well aware that it's a fantasy, and she has these intense feelings to get over. While she's been doing that I've been keeping up with my 180. Which I think is why she's in the don't deserve you mode. We had a long talk about some of this stuff. And she hasn't shut the door on our marriage, but she can focus on it at the same time along with her feelings. Guilt may finally be setting in. As well she's so afraid of damaging our son. Every time he can when he sees us hig or pass each he hugs too or gets us to hold hands. That's hitting her hard and she may be starting to realize the effect it's having.
While my wife is saying it just happened and he affairs only been since Jan. ( which is questionable). I know as a guy that he's been setting this up. Playing her protector at work. And even though she's telling me he's not better than me on a whole bunch of levels, she's still emotionally with him. And let's not get into the sex thing because that's just been racking my brain.

At the end of the day, I k ow my wifes character and soul. And I know how strong I am. And that I have the capacity to trust and forgiven the future. But I also know we need to go through all the steps to do it. And the first step is her withdrawal and rehab. If she gets through that. We should be gravy. But well see.
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#16 ·
Just a perspective here, vacations are awsome. 4weeks after d-day we spent 5hours in the car driving to Vegas. there was so much that needed to be said that the radio wasn't on once.

That was some healing sh*t that went in that car for 5 hours, I remember talking about the good times and we finished up on the future as we rolled throught the desert... it was great.

So point is take the time for a long @ss drive together and stay away from the A stuff at first, get her comfortable. Once we got to the room we talked alot about the details and just got through the pain again, but it was nice to order room serves and hang out in a hotel room (naked) for 48 hours. Something about hanging out naked in a suite just makes you open up I guess.

The two rules we had were no cell phone and no anger. We really reconnected in all the right ways.

The thing is when your in the middle of the desert there is something that just puts everthing back together, IDK it was wierd.

My wife's only concern was when I pulled of the highway to piss, she asked me if this was the spot I was going to bury her LOL.

Man I highly recommend a long drive to a nice resort with room serves. Stay away from the cell phone and lap tops and watch dirty movies and eat and have sex and talk ..it did us a world of good.
 
#17 ·
ELF
what the Heck, you are talking about rehab like she is a drug addict or some snif snif abuse, and mixing some alcohol to her crystal myth.

the Woman Cheated, she went naked in front a guy and did him fully know the consequences to her action. has nothing to do with rehab or emotions or they way person grown up.
if this happened in Iran or Pakistan she will stoned to death no time for being remorse or rehab.
its your life, and you choose. anything can be fixed except cheating.
 
#70 ·
Get off it. This is not helpful or what he needs or wants to hear. He knows what she did and this just stirring his emotions unnecessarily.
 
#18 ·
I disagree, when it come to cheating you can fix it. You can make the dicisions that you can control you and in preventing your self from being a doormat and being use by changing your self and moving on. Just like she can fix her self and make the dicision in stop being a sl*t and repairing her thought process. Just like junkies they to can be healed.

I believe behaviors can be modified and it is only up to the individuel to make the change. For most it take professionals to help them but with great self control one can leave there cheating spouse to be happy and vise verseve, a cheating spouse can stop slepping around to be happy.

I just really believe that if one has a unhealthy behavior they can fix it, but they have to want to first and for most.

For DS I can see how the fog can prevent them from saving a marriage and follow a path of family destruction. But if they wanted to they can change and save the family/marriage.

In life the only things that can't be fixed are death and taxes.
 
#19 ·
#20 ·
I don't think shell read it but its a good resource.

As to the previous poster. I read some thing by pit in stomach that correlated it to an addiction in alot of ways. It made sense. My wife has these feelings for another man. As she continues to talk about it, it went from love to now an infatuation. She is mouring the abrupt ending of that relationship. That's the tough part. She loves me. There is no doubt. And since she works with him it makes it much harder. She's not a cruel person and doesn't want to hurt anybody. And she wants to be comfortable at work and not jeapordize her job.

Is she trying to maintain some sort of friendship since they were friends before all this? Possibly but she slowly coming to realize that may not be the wisest choice. And while she hasn't committed 100% to saving the marriage, because of the confusing feelings she has, were still going to go to counseling.

She made an interesting statement to me tonight.
She said part of her is afraid because she may be missing an opportunity at happiness. She doesn't know if being with him will make her happy. Or if getting together with him could be the biggest mistake of her life and losing me as well. But she also realized it would be easier to get over her feelings for him and that future then it would be her feelings of being with or losing me.

Take of that what u will.
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#22 ·
There can be no contact with the OM----there must be some accountability---and if your wife still wishes to keep feelings for the other man---then she is still A. mode---HE MUST BE GONE---her getting rid of him in her mind is hard---and as long as she sees him at work, he will not be out of sight, out of mind---you cannot even think about starting R. until her is completely GONE---NC, starting YESTERDAY---if you allow it to continue---you are just fooling yourself, and you are in for major problems, not that you don't have them already

It may be an addiction, but its kinda funny in that if the AP does something to turn your spouse off---that A. is ended NOW---so I am not really sure where it all fits, but this addiction can/does end, and in your case it must end NOW
 
#23 ·
The job thing is fail. She's been at her store for 14 years. And he's a department head. Unless he transfers it's a moot point. And she isn't going to leave. She's got way to much invested.
As for the no contact, it's been difficult. She says she's trying but is resentful. We leave for a few days to Monterey and she's leaving the phone and texting at home. After vacation I may escalate it to say again if it's him. U go, and let that be. We've been talking alot. And she doesn't know what her feelings are. But she's afraid of losing me too. And your right. So long as she stays in contact it draws it out. But at the same time she has to want to save the marriage. I've been supportive, caring and compassionate. And all those things she fell in Love with. But he's a roadblock. I think shell come around and decide to do the things nescasary of her on volition. Well see how the rest of the week goes.
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#24 ·
Elph,

Her being in the same office with him 3 days a week is like putting heroin in a drug addicts face. There's a HUGE difference in what you think won't happen, and what you HOPE won't happen. Why take the chance? What is more important to you, your wife's job, or your marriage. It's really that simple.
 
#71 ·
This is again way off base. The man says he wants to R and you say kick her out. Go talk to a wall. You are not in any way helpful to E.
 
#29 ·
I think you need to put a stop to all of this--cuz now he is threatening to pull your family apart by attacking your relationship with your son

Hopefully you have a copy of that e-mail---send the guy a letter stating the following (do not tell your wife what you are doing) tell this scum--that he has crossed the line, and is interfering in your relationship with your children---tell him he is to go NC with your whole family NOW---if that does not happen you will file a legal action against him for INTENTIONAL INFLICTION OF EMOTIONAL DISTRESS---also get your wife the He*l out of that job---it doesn't matter anymore what she has invested in that job---your relationship with your son is being challenged, and she is the conduit that is allowing it to happen---THIS FREAKIN GUY SHOULD NOT EVEN BE IN YOUR LIFE

IMHO---you should not go to monterey with your wife, nor anywhere else---you need an extremely hard 180, and you need to tell her to wake up, get into the mge, or get the he*l out now---what are you waiting for--are you waiting for her and her scumbag lover to wreck your life BEYOND REPAIR
 
#30 ·
We had a good therapy session last night. And amongst the stuff we talked about the therapist said that if she left me for him, the relationship wouldn't last because it isn't a fresh relationship. There would be too much baggage. And my wife seemingly took that to heart.

As for the text don't have them save because they were on her phone. And if I communicate with him then shell hear about it two seconds later. But I will communicat w with him again. Then I'll send everything I have to his soon to be ex wife. His mom ( mommas boy) and finally his job, although since his future ex works for the same company I think shell take care of it for me.

This is tough because if I affect her job she's pretty much said it's over. That's something I want to avoid as well as it's hard enough to get a job now. And unfortunately she's also mentioned suicide several times over the past week and i don't want to push her over. She's as much said her son is the reason that's keeping her from.

She's afraid of making a mistake if she leaves and realizing he was the wrong man. And that I will have moved on. I told her that's a possibility and part of the consequences of her actions. I know she's spilt in between. And that there is love for me there. She has said as much. But she can't get over feelings for him. The therapist said she has to reestablish boundaries at work. But I don't think she can do it. The therapist also said I shouldn't be focusing on him but on my marriage. Therapist is out of her mind. ESP if my wife is in between. But I'll sti go after him. Well see.
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#31 ·
You are being manipulated every which way there is to manipulate someone---the suicide crap is BS, manipulation,---the love for you is BS manipulation-----ONE DOES NOT CHEAT AND HAVE A's on someone they LOVE---her constant me, me, me, is manipulation of you

Here is where you are and what you need to make plain to her-----She is a grown woman, and you know you cannot control her----so she is free to do whatever she wants---what she also must know is that you will NEVER SHARE HER WITH ANOTHER MAN---so if she does not stop NOW---this mge is over

Stop letting her make the decision---This is YOUR life---you need to make decisions about YOUR future---your counselor is also off-base---THERE IS NO MGE. TO WORK ON, as long as she is in contact/has feelings for another man----you can only have a mge where only 2 are involved, and they love each other, not other people---IMHO---you probably need a new counselor---ACTUALLY YOU DON'T NEED ANY COUNSELOR UNTIL SHE GOES NC, and DECIDES TO WORK COMPLETLY ON THE MGE.

This is never gonna work--if she stays at her job---so if I were you, maybe you should just file for D now---what is it that you don't understand about she has to be completely away from her lover ALL THE TIME, FOR THE REST OF HER LIFE---she can't forget him if she sees him everyday, and is in contact with him

You keep stating she has to stay at work--what is it---the money---IT BOILS DOWN TO THIS---MGE---- OR---- JOB, AND CONTINUED CONTACT---it can't be any plainer than the nose on your face

You need to stop manking excuses for her---she is selfish, and she is still all about me,me,me, with her little drama---you know she is no more gonna commit suicide than you are----time for you to wake up---AND DO WHAT IS BEST FOR YOU
 
#33 ·
I don't find all this projection by other posters anger to be anyway helpful. 13th floor - telling her to jump off a bridge is complete bs. I've had a suicidal spouse and I can tell you that being in f*cking emergency room after she's OD'd isn't a pleasant life experience. Don't trivialize it.

She's communicating her feelings. They are hard to hear, but people are complex, emotional creatures. Just because her feelings are not what he wants to hear, doesn't mean they should be dismissed.

From her point of view, she's unsure if she can be happy with him. She feels a connection to another man, and it stirred things in her she thought were long gone. Does it suck? Absolutely. But taking the position that she shouldn't have those feelings is pointless because it doesn't address reality.

You have a couple choices: 1. Leave/separate. If dealing with it is too much, you are totally within your rights to leave. A lot of people can't handle it, and there is no shame in choosing to exit the relationship. 2. Wait it out. Be a loving, supportive spouse and help her get through the withdrawal. Affairs are similar to drug addiction. She's an addict that is withdrawaling from her fix. It takes time to get a clear head space. 3. Wait it out conditionally (what I'd recommend) - Be there if she adheres to some conditions. I'd clearly state them - no contact, passwords, etc.

Something like: "Honey, I know you are struggling to figure things out. I'd like our marriage to work and I think we should at least give it a shot. I'm willing to support you as you work through your feelings. But I have conditions. They are x, y, and z. As long as you honour those, I will support you and give you the time you need. I'll also respect any decision you come to. However, if you violate my boundaries, I'm going to file for divorce."

It's up to you.
 
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