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Coping with Infidelity Relationship recovery from the destructiveness of infidelity.

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Old 03-08-2012, 09:16 AM   #466 (permalink)
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Originally Posted by turnera View Post
elph, people are just trying to ensure that you're not be used. It is VERY common for BHs to take back their wife too soon or with no restrictions. People are trying to protect you from doing so. Carry on.
Believe you me there is no way that she comes back with out restrictions. There are very specific things that will need to happen if it gets to that point. And I will accept nothing left. Things that will OT only help with some of the healing. But also show me where her head lies. As well as getting back at the OM in a way that would have longer lasting repercussions.

Oh she's not getting off easy, by no means.

But not in a way that will further damage things, but bring about some long lasting change.
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Old 03-08-2012, 01:40 PM   #467 (permalink)
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Believe you me there is no way that she comes back with out restrictions. There are very specific things that will need to happen if it gets to that point. And I will accept nothing left. Things that will OT only help with some of the healing. But also show me where her head lies. As well as getting back at the OM in a way that would have longer lasting repercussions.

Oh she's not getting off easy, by no means.
She may know this but emotionally it seems that it has been not been registering until lately with the changes you are making to move on with your life. It can be argued that if you had done this from the very beginning, you may have found yourself light years ahead of where you are at this very moment.

In order pass your criteria for re-entry into the marriage, it may take her a very long, long time of counseling and therapy. How long are you willing to wait for that to happen elph? By that time that happens, you may no longer have enough love left in your 'love bank' needed for the hard work or reconciliation. Something to think about.
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Old 03-08-2012, 03:05 PM   #468 (permalink)
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She may know this but emotionally it seems that it has been not been registering until lately with the changes you are making to move on with your life. It can be argued that if you had done this from the very beginning, you may have found yourself light years ahead of where you are at this very moment.

In order pass your criteria for re-entry into the marriage, it may take her a very long, long time of counseling and therapy. How long are you willing to wait for that to happen elph? By that time that happens, you may no longer have enough love left in your 'love bank' needed for the hard work or reconciliation. Something to think about.
i believe that if the no contact is put into place and wither she transfers or he transfers (or gets forced out, as he is on a short leash now with several district managers coming trough on the situation), if those first two things happen, then wed move onto a phase two, which while not really easier, adjusts where the pressure and the stress will come from.

i know im not explaining it right, but basically, say she goes NC, and there is no longer any workplace problems, and she begs to come back and work on the marriage, then we establish a plan for understanding the affairs and the whys (for the most part) thatll take 25% of the plan (As well as answering questions and such other stuff.

then comes the bulk of the work, the 75%. resestablishing the marriage. reconnecting. re-learning how to make a relationship work. re-learning how to communicate. learning how ro re-build attraction and how everyday life plays into the relationship. things that i wish they gave you a book on, but they dont, most people have to find out the hard way.

and yes part of this will also be her doing the heavy lifting in terms of showing (not saying) her dedication to me, the family and the marriage. obviously re-establishing boundries. and creating marriage V2.0

Ive dont a lot of learning and healing on my own, alot that will help with my side of the process. shell have to do the owrk then. of course counseling will be part of this, but so will building new experiences. If we gt to the part where shes actively involved in rebuilding the marriage and the NC stands, then my patience is exponential. something i learned once i had my son...you have to be a zen master dealing with kids sometimes.

i know a lot of people wont agree with this...but this of course is providing she hits all the predesignated requirements, all the things weve read about in books and on websites.
the rest is just building the relationship.


and while my "love bank" isnt infinite and has been dwindling, i look at my son and see that if we can make it work, itll be worth the effort.

i know ill have to rebuild my love for her too, where as shell have to redefine what love is, as opposed to infatuation, and how being "in love' isnt the be all to end all of a relationship.
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Old 03-08-2012, 11:04 PM   #469 (permalink)
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06-06-2011, 04:40 PM

the rest of the day was a little talking. she was trying to goad me in to saying i would always be around. when she ends up hearbroken, or falls flat on her face. i just let her know i wouldnt be there to see if that happens.


Wow I didn't realise how long she has strung you along!!! Lets face it she knows you are going no where....if she thought you were serious she might actually drop the guy. You are actually doing the OM a favor by still being around as plan B(second choice). It allows her do continue getting her fix(OM) and his fix (sex with your wife) for all this time. If you are serious just cut all contact with her.....she will fold but until she believes you are serious she will not stop!!!
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Old 03-09-2012, 01:21 AM   #470 (permalink)
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i believe that if the no contact is put into place and wither she transfers or he transfers (or gets forced out, as he is on a short leash now with several district managers coming trough on the situation), if those first two things happen, then wed move onto a phase two, which while not really easier, adjusts where the pressure and the stress will come from.

i know im not explaining it right, but basically, say she goes NC, and there is no longer any workplace problems, and she begs to come back and work on the marriage, then we establish a plan for understanding the affairs and the whys (for the most part) thatll take 25% of the plan (As well as answering questions and such other stuff.

then comes the bulk of the work, the 75%. resestablishing the marriage. reconnecting. re-learning how to make a relationship work. re-learning how to communicate. learning how ro re-build attraction and how everyday life plays into the relationship. things that i wish they gave you a book on, but they dont, most people have to find out the hard way.

and yes part of this will also be her doing the heavy lifting in terms of showing (not saying) her dedication to me, the family and the marriage. obviously re-establishing boundries. and creating marriage V2.0Ive dont a lot of learning and healing on my own, alot that will help with my side of the process. shell have to do the owrk then. of course counseling will be part of this, but so will building new experiences. If we gt to the part where shes actively involved in rebuilding the marriage and the NC stands, then my patience is exponential. something i learned once i had my son...you have to be a zen master dealing with kids sometimes.

i know a lot of people wont agree with this...but this of course is providing she hits all the predesignated requirements, all the things weve read about in books and on websites.
the rest is just building the relationship.


and while my "love bank" isnt infinite and has been dwindling, i look at my son and see that if we can make it work, itll be worth the effort.

i know ill have to rebuild my love for her too, where as shell have to redefine what love is, as opposed to infatuation, and how being "in love' isnt the be all to end all of a relationship.
I'm sure you're already aware of this Elph, but the bolded portion of your plan/hope are unknown variables dependent on your wife's future actions, feelings, and decisions. It reads like an abstract math problem . . .

IF NC x^(a+b) = (x^a)(x^b)WHETHER a,b ≥ 0 AND b = 0 x^(a+0) = (x^a)(x^0) = (x^a)e = x^a, THEN x^(a+k) = (x^a)(x^k). THEN x^(a+(k+1)) = x^((a+k)+1)DEPENDS = x^(a+k)x= IF [(x^a)(x^k)]x = (x^a)[(x^k)x] = (x^a) BUT (x^(k+1)) HEA.


From reading other posts, it seems people want to make sure you're making plans for the very strong possibility that your wife never puts NC into place and begs for R. Do you have a time limit in mind to put an end to your waiting?


I understand the desire to wait and make it work for you son, most parents will do anything for their children. Just keep in mind that a healthy relationship between parents, even divorced ones, will be better role modeling for your son than a dysfunctional marriage. I'm sure you'll know when holding out hope is doing more harm than good.

I saw the quote below and thought of your wife. Until she changes her mind, nothing will change . . . at least until you've changed your mind.


“Those who cannot change their minds cannot change anything.”
― George Bernard Shaw
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Old 03-09-2012, 01:54 AM   #471 (permalink)
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Shootmeplz-

actually things are different, including how we communicate. timely as this story may be.

i went to pick up my son tonight. well he pretty much lost his ****. he though he was going to spend the night at mommys, but because she has to wake up at 4, there would be nobody to watch him.
as he broke down, i just stood there, silent.
i watched her try to calm and console him. eventually he calmed down, i didnt say to much. but i did 2 things. i reminded her of something he said last year. he said if this affected my son, that he would back off.he didnt, but just proved what a great honest guy he is. the second thing i said was to text him when i leave (because i know she will) and tell him he was wrong. our son isnt adapting...at all. (i know he told her that, as he also told his ex wife that their 2 kids would adapt as well)

i said it quitely, but with a low growl, then took my son and left.

but i could see the tears in her eyes as i left, from both the her sons behavior and the fact that she knew i was right.

i have seen changes in her, but iam also smart enough to know when the right time to say or do things. months ago, even the harm and tears from my son couldnt pull her away, i knew if he couldnt, i wouldnt be able to.they say thats is acommon thing with ppl in affairs...as well no contact with her, obviously, would be impossible.



Saffron, the obvious answer is 1. easy math.

as in one person all by them selves. im preparing for that fact, and gettng my own place is a part of that. they put up the for sale sign up in my yard. that one hit kinda hard...but i also have the feeling that the point when ive moved on will be something i notice more in hind sight, because i will have just done it...no real fanfare, things like my day to day will just be different...
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Old 03-09-2012, 02:39 AM   #472 (permalink)
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Default Re: after d-day stuff..

Elph, you are holding it not for the sake of your son. This is just a pretext, not a true reason. The boy is in pain from this limbo as well, and no amount of quiet growling at your wife going to change much.
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Old 03-09-2012, 03:20 AM   #473 (permalink)
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He is a good drama artist...
Lives in fantasy world he created by day dreaming.
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Old 03-09-2012, 03:24 AM   #474 (permalink)
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Elph, you are holding it not for the sake of your son. This is just a pretext, not a true reason. The boy is in pain from this limbo as well, and no amount of quiet growling at your wife going to change much.
No my son is one huge main reason why I keep the possibility open. Because I was a child of divorce. An ugly nasty divorce. And growing up I was the only kid I knew who's parents were divorced. It sucked then and it sucks now. And I don't want my son to ever know what it's like, or the pain and problems associated with it.
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Old 03-09-2012, 04:33 AM   #475 (permalink)
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Default Re: after d-day stuff..

I had to laugh. I looked at your post above about the 75% this and the 25% that and the v2.0 and I thought, what is this, some kind of messed up math problem? Then scrolling down a second later, Saffron said the same thing.

Elph, you are deep in the fog. It's way past time for you to let this go and move on without her. I looked back a page or two and you posted that she's broken up with the OM five times already, of her own accord. Like you were so proud of her that she did it all on her own. Five times? Really? Snap out of it already. You seem like a good guy. We are on your side. Time to let her go and move on.

Just last night you told her two things. The OM lied and was wrong. She teared up. Big deal. Now, if she said, yes you're right, I'll never see him again, I could see where you would be happy with the result of the two things you told her in a "quiet growl." But after all this time she teared up? That's it?

It's your wife, it's your life, you're too wrapped up in the little details - I said this, she said that, blah, blah, blah. Look at the big picture. You're making no progress. At this rate, she'll come back to you after your son has graduated college.

Did you ever see the TV show Seinfeld? There's a character, George, who always makes the wrong decision. On one show, he decides to do the opposite of whatever he feels is right. Well, I think it's time for you to start doing "the opposite." Because doing what you feel is right has not worked and is not working.
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Old 03-09-2012, 03:56 PM   #476 (permalink)
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I had to laugh. I looked at your post above about the 75% this and the 25% that and the v2.0 and I thought, what is this, some kind of messed up math problem? Then scrolling down a second later, Saffron said the same thing.

Elph, you are deep in the fog. It's way past time for you to let this go and move on without her. I looked back a page or two and you posted that she's broken up with the OM five times already, of her own accord. Like you were so proud of her that she did it all on her own. Five times? Really? Snap out of it already. You seem like a good guy. We are on your side. Time to let her go and move on.

Just last night you told her two things. The OM lied and was wrong. She teared up. Big deal. Now, if she said, yes you're right, I'll never see him again, I could see where you would be happy with the result of the two things you told her in a "quiet growl." But after all this time she teared up? That's it?

It's your wife, it's your life, you're too wrapped up in the little details - I said this, she said that, blah, blah, blah. Look at the big picture. You're making no progress. At this rate, she'll come back to you after your son has graduated college.

Did you ever see the TV show Seinfeld? There's a character, George, who always makes the wrong decision. On one show, he decides to do the opposite of whatever he feels is right. Well, I think it's time for you to start doing "the opposite." Because doing what you feel is right has not worked and is not working.

couple of things...the numbers thing isnt an absolute, i just deal with stuff better when i can visualize it...numbers or stats are just easier for me...i sucked at most math in school, except for geometry, which i aced...


as for the do the opposite, or no progress,

thats where im going to have to say your wrong.

if this were september, under one of her "breakups" i would have handled my sons tantrum myself, instead of let her deal with it. i wouldve stayed longer to talk it over, or become enraged and start a huge fight...i dont think the point of the low growl came off here like i wanted...it was a manner of communicating to her while both being firm but not making a scene while my son was in the room...again, if this had been 6 months ago, id be trying to talk it through, my reactions totally different.

i keep things to a minimum...but i had to say something on behalf of my son and why hes acting the way he did...she may see it, but its still not translating in that immature mind of hers...but it was a point i needed to get across anyway...

im very conscious of the way i act around her...esp when im angry...but as i have had to learn...i just need to shut up....thats definatley a 180 from where i was months ago...and it aint easy, because im a talker (or lecturer as she would say)
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Old 03-09-2012, 06:40 PM   #477 (permalink)
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Your son needs counseling. I doubt what your son is going through now could be better than divorce. And your wife needs to be told exactly what she has wrought on her sons life.
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Old 03-09-2012, 07:35 PM   #478 (permalink)
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Default Re: after d-day stuff..

I understand why you want your wife to have to deal with her son's tantrum...to TEACH her a lesson, to make her come around, to get the result you want.

But letting your child suffer while you stand at a fair distance watching is close to abusive.

I'm sorry, I usually agree with what you're doing. But not when you're using a child to achieve your goal.

My brother nearly killed himself because of what our parents put him through and I've been dealing with it in therapy my whole life. Don't do that to your son.
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Old 03-09-2012, 07:47 PM   #479 (permalink)
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No my son is one huge main reason why I keep the possibility open. Because I was a child of divorce. An ugly nasty divorce. And growing up I was the only kid I knew who's parents were divorced. It sucked then and it sucks now. And I don't want my son to ever know what it's like, or the pain and problems associated with it.
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Quite using your son as an excuse not to act. Your son knows the pain and problems associated with divorce right now. HE IS LIVING IT. Mommy lives in one place, Daddy lives in another and he goes out and back between them. In his world you are divorced already.

Now show him how to act like a man. File the divorce papers.
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Old 03-09-2012, 08:16 PM   #480 (permalink)
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Quite using your son as an excuse not to act. Your son knows the pain and problems associated with divorce right now. HE IS LIVING IT. Mommy lives in one place, Daddy lives in another and he goes out and back between them. In his world you are divorced already.

Now show him how to act like a man. File the divorce papers.
That could actually end the stalemate in your favor.

Is stalemate a pun?
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