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Coping with Infidelity Relationship recovery from the destructiveness of infidelity.

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Old 03-09-2012, 09:50 PM   #481 (permalink)
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Default Re: after d-day stuff..

Quote:
Originally Posted by Dr David Walsh
Children need consistency. Parents who fail to provide this do not do their children any favors. Children will often pit one parent against the other in a process called triangulation.

What is even more harmful is when separated or divorced parents sabotage or criticize one another. This puts children in the position of having to choose sides.

That said, it isn't easy negotiating parenting strategies after a divorce. I would suggest that you calmly share this response with your divorced spouse and invite him to discuss how the two of you can agree on some common ground rules for your children that you both agree to enforce. Remind him that this is for the children’s benefit, not as a favor to you. You might also want to see if he is willing to meet with a neutral third party to see if he or she can help you come to a working agreement
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Old 03-09-2012, 11:12 PM   #482 (permalink)
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I understand why you want your wife to have to deal with her son's tantrum...to TEACH her a lesson, to make her come around, to get the result you want.

But letting your child suffer while you stand at a fair distance watching is close to abusive.

I'm sorry, I usually agree with what you're doing. But not when you're using a child to achieve your goal.

My brother nearly killed himself because of what our parents put him through and I've been dealing with it in therapy my whole life. Don't do that to your son.
For what it's worth, this was a situation that my wife had created. She mentioned an upcoming change in schedule but he mistook it as last night. She had to explain the difference I. What was happening. It was something that we agreed to(a style of parenting) so that we wouldn't step on each others toes or back track from what one of us may have had in mind. It basically allows for the action to happen and if we want to change the rules or something, we talk about it later and decide. That way there is no power struggle or contradiction and it come in like a united front. I've seen plenty of parents say one thing, then have the spouse say other wise right in the moment creating a conflict. Unless of course there's some sort of immediate threat.
That's why I let her handle it. But when I deal with my son I get easier and more immediate results. Her. Not so much.
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Old 03-09-2012, 11:17 PM   #483 (permalink)
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This is something we whole heartedly agree with. That's why we keep his routine as normal as possible. We try to keep improper discussions away from him. And constantly give him as much live and support and reassurance as possible.

But he's a smart kid. He tried to get us around each other as much as possible. And always tried to get mommy to spend the night. But we do as delicately as we can to explain why she can't. For 4 years old he understands as much as he can. But at least we're not turning into my parents.

And please believe when I say that everybody's advice and care doenst go unheard.
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Old 03-10-2012, 07:50 AM   #484 (permalink)
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Default Re: after d-day stuff..

You do not allow her itno your house now right? She doesn't have a key does she?
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Old 06-08-2012, 06:29 PM   #485 (permalink)
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ive been a way for a little, i needed a break just because it can be depressing after awhile..

so a quick update here...

since my last post ive had to put our house up for sale since i cant afford to live in it by myself...we have a buyer and are currently in the short sale process..

because of that ive had to go looking for an apartment. its been a tough search because my credits taken a hit, as well it seems now in CA you need to make 3x your rent...which sucks. i carry almost no debt, but what ever...the other hard pard is because i have our 2 cats as well, alot of places dont allow any pets. i know, just get rid of the cats, but ive had them for 11-13 years now, they wont get adopted, and their really good cats (one thinks its a dog sometimes). theyre family, and i dont give up on family...

i lost out on some really good places, but finally got one and im moving in a few weeks...its definalty smaller than my house, but all of this moving and stuff had helped keep my mind on other things...including adjusting my living situation..the good thing is get to go through all the crap we had and get rid of things, as well the apartment is a few blocks away for my aunt in law (who baby sits) and what will be my sons school....


as well i signed up for the warrior dash here in northern Cali. so ive started getting in shape for that (insanity+resistance training+a run occasionally) that happend in late oct. and its really helped give me some focus and direction...



AS for the marriage. as it stands no progress has been made. no mediation, and my wife still hasnt gotten a lawyer. weve kept things to drop offs and pickups, but weve had to attend a few school functions together and a family event too as well. shes been warm with me then, but latley, shes kinda ramped it up alitlle. i think because im getting my own place and such she knows which direction that will ultimatly lead.

AS for her relationship, he coworkers and some of our friends have told me that its over...they avoid each other at work. shes been under alot of scrutiny from her boss, but i also found out he threatened to transfer her if she has HR come in again for any reason...the OM has been working less hours and from what his STBX told me hes been contacting her more and more, though shes been pressing for divorce because she found somebody else, he has dodged her and her lawyer.

my wifes mother has also insinuated that its over. shes been spending more and more time with her family. trying to keep busy and "heal".

but then her mom also told me something new that changed the game a little.

her therapist (and technically mine before hers about 6 months ago) diagnosed her with Borderline Personality Disorder...or at least signifigant traits of...the only two that dont line up are long relationship and long employment...other then that she right on Que.

ive dont a little research on it and i definetly see it, but thenagain, i always that it was just a woman being a woman...

her mom told me shes actively trying to understand and deal with it, as opposed to shoving it off.

so we had a BPD having an affair with a narcissist. and both her therapist and mine in 2 seperate occasions said it was dynamite just waiting to explode (her mom also told me they had a huge fight and he called her "sick in the head" and was the reason he was haveing other issues in his life)..


all that and i have gone out on a couple of dates...nothing big, and quite frankly i just felt uncomfortable the whole time...


so im slowly moving in a direction of my own...she hasnt moved one way or another about our marriage, but seems to be done with the OM, and the summers here and instead of planning a family vacation, im moving into a smaller apartment (albeit back in our hometown and in a nice neighbor hood). that also said, taking my son out on playdates with some of his classmates and their parents has helped make some new friends (for me and my wife) and my son seems to be dealing with it ok. he also seems to be along a bit further than the rest of his classmates, esp. in arts and crafts, vocabulary and critical thinking...



so thats where im at right now.
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Old 06-08-2012, 06:42 PM   #486 (permalink)
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Default Re: after d-day stuff..

Good luck Elph. The dating is big progress even if you are not comfortable with it yet , that will change for the better.

Look up Pidge, she ahs BPD, and is very knowledgeable.

I can't remember the thread right now but another poster is divorcing a BPD victim because she has it really bad and he has had to give up .

Be strong and keep on being a good dad.
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Old 06-08-2012, 06:46 PM   #487 (permalink)
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she hasnt moved one way or another about our marriage, but seems to be done with the OM,
Haven't read your story yet but just this part shows how much of a fence sitter she is.
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Old 06-08-2012, 07:16 PM   #488 (permalink)
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i wont deny that shes a fence sitter, but my therapist has told me that its likely that her therapist has told her to take some time to "clear her head' and heal so if she does decide to comeback shell be in abetter place mentally...something shes been working on with me so if it does happen, i can handle it from a better place and not just a place of anger and resentment...


her mom though has also reminded me that her lease is up in july as well, and she didnt want to comeback to the house because now it harbors all kinds of bad memories and such...


so who know what direction shes gonna take...


and chapparel, thanks for theinfo on pidge...ill look that up as well.


the one thing ive read about BPD and what my therapist tells me is its not easy...in alot of ways its like dealing with a child...

like i said earlier, to me it just seemsed like her being a woman, and really has never bothered me...but the need to constantly fill a void externally that can never be filled is a challenge.

the one thing my therapist suggested, something shes an expert in, is if (big IF) we get back together is that i must, in very black and white, define the boundaries and adhere to them with no flex....much like with a child, everything else ive dealt with her in the past 18 years has been a breeze...but now knowing these things i could adjust and be more conscious of how to deal with her...that said i must understand one of the biggest problems i face with BPD is that she is emotionally immature and her ability to feel remorse may never come, her ability to be introspective might never be there, and thats just something i might have to accept.


well see, time to keep packing....
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Old 06-08-2012, 07:32 PM   #489 (permalink)
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i wont deny that shes a fence sitter, but my therapist has told me that its likely that her therapist has told her to take some time to "clear her head' and heal so if she does decide to comeback shell be in abetter place mentally....
Sounds like she's on the market for another/better OM.
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Old 06-08-2012, 08:25 PM   #490 (permalink)
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Default Re: after d-day stuff..

If she has BPD.......run.
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Old 06-08-2012, 09:18 PM   #491 (permalink)
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Default Re: after d-day stuff..

elph, BPD is just one rung lower than multiple personalities, and that is just one rung lower than the worst of the worst - psychopaths.

Read some more threads to see the men who have moved on...and kicked themselves for waiting so long.
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Old 06-08-2012, 09:46 PM   #492 (permalink)
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elph, BPD is just one rung lower than multiple personalities, and that is just one rung lower than the worst of the worst - psychopaths.

Read some more threads to see the men who have moved on...and kicked themselves for waiting so long.
Heres the thing though. Something my therapist told me. She said that ayer ability to maintain a long term relationship and employment sets her apart from the normal high level BPD. As well she's making a conscious decision to deal with it as opposed to denying. So they've labeled her with traits. Not full blown. Plus. I've never had a problem with her and how she acts with the exception of this affair. My therapist assumes that this episode seems to be triggered by high stress. In this case the birth of our son and a few things elated to afterwards.

As well her biggest issue related to her bpd is abandonment. (as opposed to rejection with the narcissist.) as my sons gotten older to he's gravitated toward me which seems to affect her.

But again, I will say this. In all honesty. In the 18 years we've been together, it's never been an issue and any crap she's thrown my way, I've dealt with. But I will read those threads. Just because knowing is half the battle.



Yeah, I said it. (g I joooooeeee)
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Old 06-08-2012, 10:15 PM   #493 (permalink)
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Oh and to throw it out there, her parents got divorced when she was a toddler. I've been with her since we were 17 and I've never met her father. I don't think she's had contact with him since she was 14-15. And he moved out of state and married into a family with other daughters he took on as his own

So to say she has daddy issues with abandonment issues is where it lies. But again. It's never been a problem till now.


Coupled with the fact her mom somewhat shielded/coddled her doenst help. But it is what it is.
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Old 06-08-2012, 10:29 PM   #494 (permalink)
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I was abandoned by my mom when I was six.

I never cheated on my wife.

Excuses. Thats all your wife is.

And that's all you are... excuses.

Hell, you two were custom made for each other, and in some ways you're even worse than her....because you support and perpetuate the excuses.

Stand up for what is right once in your life and divorce this hag.
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Old 06-08-2012, 10:29 PM   #495 (permalink)
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It's never been a problem till now.
Just so you know, for a female, daddy issues are THE ISSUE with females. They have ALWAYS been a problem; she just found a way to compensate for them.

My dad left when I was 12, married when I was 16, and told me as soon as he was married (obviously prompted by the She-Devil) that, since I was 16, I could drive to see him from now on. And then he promptly adopted She-Devil's 16 year old son, and She-Devil made a point of pointing out every year how her son now stood to inherit anything my dad would have left (after She-Devil got done with it). To say that my daddy issues were the core of my persona would be a huge understatement.

Don't say they haven't been an issue. They have.
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