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after d-day stuff..

155K views 544 replies 57 participants last post by  Shaggy 
#1 ·
a short version of my story..
been together since HS. dated on/off for 10 years..married in 2004. 1 3yr old boy.
noticed her texts messages slowly rise since mid last year, but thought nothing of it till it hit the 4000 mark..in jan.11. went back to review and noticed a high percentage to one of her coworkers... he was in unhappy marriage and was on verge of geting divorce (which he filed for in dec.10). found evidence of sext pics dating to late sept. (timestamped with pic message sent 1 min after)
. late jan i confront about the txts (not the pic i found that out later) she denies, just friends, no attraction etc.
decide to use software for blackberry to log texts (which shesbeen deleting) got 4 days worth of stuff...

finds out they have been together but for unknown amount of time..i sit on this info trying to gather more, hoping shell wake up and leave him...start doing reserch on affairs and how to handle them properly...

anyway. decided i want to save the marriage. so i confront her with my evidence on sunday...at first she denies, then says its only a EA. then i bring in other text that establish a PA (in that time she says its not cheating because no physical stuff, its not a big deal, and they broke it off weeks ago...all untrue, also said only lasted 2 1/2 months)

she does the phone call to let him know i know about affair...she cant transfer or anything i know hes not willing because hes a dept. head. but she made the decision to break it of (reluctantly) and so far stay for her family( not really me, but son..has no where to go and she knows i wont let her take him)

shes showing signs of transperancy, letting me see all texts, informing me of stuff, though shes undecided if she wants to stay in marriage. weve been going through therapy and have session next tues.

but heres my big problem and the issue i have right now.

Watching her get over the heartbreak of losing the other relationship/friendship. its killing me because shes so not engaged with me besides small talk. shes angry and says she hates me...but shes trying...she says shes lost and depressed. i dont know if they talk at work (the work together 3 days). i sent him a stern warning that i know about them and he should move on or ill go to his exwife who works for same company as well as his mom(hes a big mamas boy)

any advice how to get through this phase because i really didnt expect it to be so hard, even with a month of resaerch and prep...
 
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#252 ·
elph,

I thought of a funny idea to pi*ss the OM big time. Have a picture of his STBXW and you giving each other a cheek to cheek hug, with huge grins on your faces - as though the two of you did something nasty - and send it to his place of work.

Of course you shouldn't do this but still I can picture the idiot's expression if he saw it.:rofl:
 
#253 ·
if he was still into her i totally would. or if she wanted him back. unfortuantly as you probably know, he served her

heres an idea we were tossing around.

he still doesnt know she knows about the affair. she hasnt told him and wants to do it in the coparenting couseling they do. (i know stupid she hasnt said anything blah blahblah)


but, and this works esp. after the confrontation,

i would hang out at her house on the day he has the kids. and as he comes over to drop them off, well guess whos there talking to the OMX. and who know what they could be talking about.

well much like he tried to pull, he cant ask me to leave. plus hes now faced with the absolute certainty that she knows. and she will use it against him (compiling a log of things hes been dong, like on his kid days, dumping the kids off at grandmas while he goes to lunch with my wife)

the look on his face would be priceless.

the lone reason not to. the kids would be there, and if he gets unpredictable, they shouldnt have to be subjected to anything bad in front of him. i want to get back at him...badly, but not at their expense. im not that evil.



and im still going off fumes from the confrontation...
 
#255 ·
Once you kick into plan B take all the photo's and pictures that have your wife therein and put them away, hang up photo's of you and your son, your MIL you and your son and the Aunt. It is a message that your wife will see and receive. It may be subconscious but it does effect them.
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#256 ·
your reading my mind.

as well as finally repainting the bedroom and getting a bedroom set and mattress, since im letting her take ours (which just gives me reason to upgrade, tempupedic maybe?)

conversely, she wanted me to add a whole bunch of new pictures to her digital frame shes taking. of us, and our family.

pretty sure the OM won't like that.hehe.
 
#257 ·
I'm still offering to read any script you want to him - blocked dialing number so he can't see who's calling. I could even go all drill sargent on his ass and tell him she has three other boyfriends and is only playing him and trying to figure out how many $ she can get from him. Plant a seed in his insecurity as it were.
 
#258 ·
i also want to throw out there, that i have an awesome therapist, whos done dual role at helping me both with coping with my marriage and regain my confidence and sense of self.


it doesnt hurt shes a hot italian/armenin woman too...seriously, shes like 45 and disgustinly sexy...accent and all...

and married too...
 
#261 ·
Oh, that's right, he's supposed to wait till he's divorced!
 
#263 ·
Young, dumb and full of come...Old age and treachery will overcome youth and vigor any day of the week!
 
#265 ·
A new update on this whole restraining order thing.

I found out through her co worker that he either can't or it will get harder to get one against me because my wife will not sign off as a witness.
So to my knowledge he won't be getting one against me.


That has to piss him off.

And Ina small way I think it sends a statement to him that my wife is not as committed to him as he thought.
Of course it could mean nothing. But if i were him, I'd take it as something

It's a small victory. And I'll take it. Even if it doesn't mean anything to our relationship. It pisses him off and that works for me.
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#266 ·
So far so good , wait and see what her does. Do all the co-workers know what is happening, hope they do as this causes stress in their affair world. Keep close to his for your next step is to legally enforce a no contact between him and your son. In one of the other posts you mentioned his wife has not told him she knows of the affair, while she may be on her own agenda be careful as she may never call him out on this which is to your disadvantage.
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#267 ·
The OMX actually went into the store today. At the same time as my wife. (it was a coworkers last day)

Apperantly the OM text my wife that she had come in and my wife waited in her car, crying it seems. ( that coming from my MIL)
There was no confrontation there, tho it would've been nice. After all their love is so great, shout it from the mountain top right?

As well the OM stayed in the back delivery area of the store, like the coward he is.

He's scared of his ex, because she can still take him for child support and full custody. And she doesn't want him back.

So when this party comes crashing down, he'll have nowhere to go.

And quite frankly I still can't get over that my wife isn't backing him about the RO. Not because it helps me, but because it hurts him. To me he left his wife for mine. She didn exactly jump away from our marriage, and now she's being kicked out, and she's moving as slowly as possible.


And one more thing. My wife, son, and MIL are going down to Disneyland this weekend.
My son asked me to meet then there for sat.
I told her if he texts, I'm heading right home and I'll walk right into that store and make him **** his pants

Her response. He doenst know I'm going. And it's none of his business.

Already lying and hiding things.

Her coworkers husband, whis a vendor and my friend is going to ask next week whenthe OM is around if I made it down and had a good time. Justto make it aware that I went. Then well see how he acts, and her reaction. And thus their relationship will live by the sword and die by the sword.


And I'm laughing. Because by then, shell be moved out, but he'll always wonder. Hahahaha
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#268 ·
Elph, You may be relying to much on his wife leveraging OM not looking after his children to gain custody of her children and causing him pain. I don't think it will affect him at all he is in his selfish affair world. However I do think when you next see your wife apply pressure by mentioning he abandoned his children, they will know her name and face and blame her directly for taking their father away from them. Let her know she should be proud to be a marriage wrecker and is direcly responsible for the break up of two families.

Choose your own words and leave the seed in her head if she has any integrity left on her this will play on her mind, Futhermore there is nothing wrong in saying that the OM's wife was at the store and came to see her , ask her why she did not meet the wife. If she asks who told you , people talk , after all her affair is now common knowledge.
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#269 ·
found out just a bit ago that my wife doesnt want the OM to even know that shes going to disneyland.
i know they had talked about wanting to go together at one point, back when i could read their texts, but now shes hiding where she and her mom are going on vacation...


so now a little a lie about me going, turns into a bigger lie. i wonder why? why should she hide anything? i thought he was so perfect, after all why would he get mad?

im being facetious by the way.

and next week my friend will go up and ask her how was disneyland and if I had a good time while there, while the OM is within earshot....that should stir up the hive a little....



hahahaaha
 
#270 ·
so disneyland went well

i accomplished my goals of having a great time with the family, keeping my mouth shut and focusing on my son, and just trying to be the best person i could be. i was tempted to be snarky on several occasions, and my wife saw it coming, but i said nothing and instead was just good.

since disneyland is a trigger (they text about it alot) i felt great to face that fear head on.

and at some point, my wife even grabbed and held on to my hand.

sure its possible at some point she was thinking she wishes he was there...but its a definite that she was happy i was there...still leaving the good thoughts in her head.

this week, we are supposed to have the talk with our son toe explain whats going on. itll be one of the toughest things ive ever dealt with, but like everything else that has come of it, ill face that fear head on to..

the only bad part is that i feel the hate and anger start to creep in about this whole thing again, and i know that it will derail such hard earned changes...i just hope i can stay focused with the plan ahead...

i
 
#271 ·
Before you talk to the son, what is it your going to talk about. Unless she is committed to getting divorced, why would you say anything?
 
#272 ·
Don't let the good feelings and hope that Disneyland gave you make you soft in dealing with her. She's going to want you to soften the blow to your son when you tell him that she's abandoning her family for the OM.

If you let her con you into making this easier for her, you're enabling the affair. She created this mess through her choices, it's hers to explain and make right to your son. Then she'll leave and have you pick up the pieces and try to make it not too scaring on him.

I do not understand how any mother could do that to a child they love.
 
#273 ·
I don't understand it either.

We went to a therapist about this. Since there is going to be a dramatic shift in the living arrangements and such we had to find out how to tell him and help him cope. And I'm definitely not trying to make thus easy for my wife. Quitethe opposite. I'm hoping this will be part of what snaps her out of the fog. When he starts asking for me when hes over there and vice versa.

I don't get it. Amd it's so unnecessary. But this is what my wife has chosen so she should receive the full effect of it.
Like I said, hopefully this will help her out of the fog.

I said in a different thread, my wife is not a bad person, she just made some really bad decisions. And this is one that she will never be able to escape. I'm hopin Thayer can reconcille by the time her lease is up if not sooner and it'll be nothing but a bad dream to him.
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#274 ·
The problem with separations is that more often than not they either lead to divorce or an emotional detachment which promotes the creation of secondary relationships (affairs). I just hope that in your case, it is the exception and not the rule.
 
#275 ·
You need to specifically ask her the question - Do you want our son to think we permanently separated? He will. What do expect me to tell him when he asks if your ever coming back? All I can say right now is no your not ever coming back.

Yes you want her out of the fog. Don't let your son be a tool for doing it. Long term it could cause some real damage to how he feels about your wife and she needs to understand that is where this is leading.
 
#276 ·
Well she's already got the affair. But from what I understand he's already starting to shoot himself in the foot.

My hope is that I'll get the absence makes the heart grow fonder thing along with the missing her son thing. That's why I've been doing all this, like going to Disneyland. To try to re establish an emotional connection.

And like they say, the grass isn't always greener.
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#304 ·
And like they say, the grass isn't always greener.
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"The grass is always greener on the other side of the fence."
What people forget is: "But the it still has to be mowed."
That is...there is always work to be done there, too.

There's a Cary Grant/Robert Mitchum movie of the same name. A decent thing to watch.

Found it at my library.
 
#278 ·
Yes - but don't talk to your son without having the conversation I suggested FIRST with her. HE didn't do this and doesn't deserve her stupidity turning his world upside down.
 
#282 ·
Were gonna have that conversation together but I'm gonna have her do most of the talking. This is her fault. It's heb job.
One day I hope my son never understands that his mom chose another man over him. I hope she gets out of the fog she's in because before this she loved her son like no other. That's one of the biggest changes she's made. She slowly coming back. But still deciding to move out. She still infers that it's at the suggestion of her therapist. Which I actually understand because my wife has alot of growing up to do. But that's still only 25% of the reason to me. The rest is to be with him. To see where it goes though almost everybody agrees it's going to fail amd miserable. And shell be left to pick up the pieces.

But that part, again if she's willing to do the work, we can do as a team.
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#283 ·
Okay Elph - your doing the right thing by letting her make the decision and living with it.
 
#284 ·
so my wife has started getting some of her stuff together, and shes planning to move the bedroom stuff out this weekend...


as much as i need this to happen to keep from going down a dark path, it feels alot like the day i found out about the affair.
and as much as i need the reality to set in for her to help get her out of the fog, the reality is setting in for me that there is a possibility of this ending completely.

although i do have hope, and iknow my wife well enough, and have seen some progress, there are still some unknown variables.
like she could like living on her own.
or she could break up with him, and in the midst of actually healing, find some one else.

but she mentioned again how she just feels lost and confused. and how shes gonna fall flat on her face.

the OMX called me today and told me how a totally different coworker mentiond that my wife said how controlling hes becoming.

i still place my bets that the holidays will be it. but this week is becoming alot harder than imagined. i want to be angry and start questioning everything because i might not get another chance. i want to yell and scream...

but as the 180 says, i cant back off of the hard earned changes. i have to avoid angry outbursts. as much as i want to get angry, if we fight before she leaves, then itll just justify it more in her mind, as opposed to giving her a good image to stick with until..
 
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