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after d-day stuff..

155K views 544 replies 57 participants last post by  Shaggy 
#1 ·
a short version of my story..
been together since HS. dated on/off for 10 years..married in 2004. 1 3yr old boy.
noticed her texts messages slowly rise since mid last year, but thought nothing of it till it hit the 4000 mark..in jan.11. went back to review and noticed a high percentage to one of her coworkers... he was in unhappy marriage and was on verge of geting divorce (which he filed for in dec.10). found evidence of sext pics dating to late sept. (timestamped with pic message sent 1 min after)
. late jan i confront about the txts (not the pic i found that out later) she denies, just friends, no attraction etc.
decide to use software for blackberry to log texts (which shesbeen deleting) got 4 days worth of stuff...

finds out they have been together but for unknown amount of time..i sit on this info trying to gather more, hoping shell wake up and leave him...start doing reserch on affairs and how to handle them properly...

anyway. decided i want to save the marriage. so i confront her with my evidence on sunday...at first she denies, then says its only a EA. then i bring in other text that establish a PA (in that time she says its not cheating because no physical stuff, its not a big deal, and they broke it off weeks ago...all untrue, also said only lasted 2 1/2 months)

she does the phone call to let him know i know about affair...she cant transfer or anything i know hes not willing because hes a dept. head. but she made the decision to break it of (reluctantly) and so far stay for her family( not really me, but son..has no where to go and she knows i wont let her take him)

shes showing signs of transperancy, letting me see all texts, informing me of stuff, though shes undecided if she wants to stay in marriage. weve been going through therapy and have session next tues.

but heres my big problem and the issue i have right now.

Watching her get over the heartbreak of losing the other relationship/friendship. its killing me because shes so not engaged with me besides small talk. shes angry and says she hates me...but shes trying...she says shes lost and depressed. i dont know if they talk at work (the work together 3 days). i sent him a stern warning that i know about them and he should move on or ill go to his exwife who works for same company as well as his mom(hes a big mamas boy)

any advice how to get through this phase because i really didnt expect it to be so hard, even with a month of resaerch and prep...
 
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#317 ·
oh, i contacted her HR the day before exposure day. i even emailed a letter that was suggested by a member on another site who worked for an HR department. it talked about possible violation of company policy and code of conduct.
i believe and investigation was done and i heard it was inconclusive. BUT, he became a marked man at his company. i think somebody else phrased it as a legal liability. i think if they transfer him, its their sly way of getting out of a potentially bad situation. so for lack of a better term, they have a file on him.

of course that means they have a file on my wife too. but thats what she gets. fortunalty there are a lot of people who, while they disagree with what shes done, have her back and would help kepp her and jettison him in a heartbeat.
 
#319 ·
Elph,
You've seem me post what I would "like" to do the OM. They are all fantasies that I will NEVER act on. I wouldn't waste my own life and that of my relationship with my kids AND my wife on the lowlife scum. I might scare the living **** out him if the opportunity presented itself with no witnesses but even that could get me jail time or a lawsuit and I'm not willing to risk it. He's done a great job of ruining himself. DO NOT waste yourself on him.
 
#320 ·
looks like there was more to last night than i knew of.

i got home after my son was dropped off and my wife let me in on more of last night.

she had gotten those texts and phone calls before i left. but there was one more.

"im coming over"


this was at 1030. he arrived there. while my son was there. he was appearnetly furious. she said shed never seen the look in his eyes before. she tried to get him to go away because my son was there. but he wasnt listening. he though i was there. (which of course i was) and again because she essentially tried to break up with him that day, he had all kinds of thoughts in his head.

she didnt go into to much detail of what else happened. he tried talking to her, but she was so exhausted that day that she had a hard time staying awake. and i guess he eventually left.

she told me this as she was crying. but at the same time she said she wanted to be honest with me, as well because it affected our son.

it took a lot of energy to hold back my anger, to keep my mouth shut.

but i realized that now, the first thing my wife needed, was a safe harbor. that going dark may jeapordize her safety and the saftey of my son.

i guess ill have to wrry about that first, then the marriage after.


that said, we know whats going to happen if he lays a finger on my son. as well the OMX would love to hear about this in terms of the custory battle.

i also informed my wife of her power in this. how she could file a restraining order. how she can file a sexual harrasment claim.

she wants to see if hell back off like he said.

i told her that hes already crossed the line, hes not going backwards. he wont back off, hes as much said it with the whole "not the kinda guy you send away" line.

but at this point ive no choice but keep a watchful eye on the situaltion.
 
#321 ·
Keep your cool. Your restraint last night deserves serious praise. Keep it up. She will take that safe harbor soon.
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#324 ·
That is a good idea Tunera. Making a brief stop at the local station and giving them a heads up your worried this guy might get violent with her becuase she trying to break off an affair with him, primes the pump so no matter bull he says if something happens, it will seriously questioned!
 
#325 ·
Elph, wasn't it part of the separation agreement that the OM COULD NOT BE THERE when your son was? Now that your wife has voilated it, doesn't that mean that your son does NOT go over there any more?

Aren't there other repercussions, too?

If you need NCL examples, go to Affaircare.com and they have several under their "articles."

Scarlet
 
#326 ·
the separation agreement hasnt been quite drawn up yet. as my wife still needs to talk to the mediator and set the schedule( per the mediators suggestion)

were not quite at NC yet. in fact were still far away. my wife is trying to handle this the passive way.. hoping things will iron themselves out on their own.

they wont. but she wont listed to me.

the only thing i can do is protect my son.

i dont thing ill have a problem with the mediator stuff. especially now.

the one thing she mentioned to our mutual friend which was relayed to me was that right now any talk of any future needs to stop, just because it adds to much pressure. which of course is odd, because not a month or so ago she was talking about a bunch of what ifs. but better to comply with something i aready knew.


as much as i want to go no contact, i now have to be involved for both their safety. but im still going forth with my plan of moving on. im still trying to detatch emotionally since i have to, and heal myself for what ever may lie ahead.
 
#328 ·
:iagree: Yeah turnera!

I understand the message you received from the friend. It's one thing for HER to talk about the future, because she's trying to sound things out/work it out in her head.

It's completely ANOTHER for YOU to talk about the future, because YOU are fixing things/maybe dictating things and she just wants a sounding board.

It's the difference of how M/F process. Interestingly, Modern Family had Phil discovering this difference last night. Knowing when to supportively agree and when to solve the problem for her is like the intuitive use of 'The Force!' If you want, check ABC.com for the episode. Might help you understand! At least make you laugh. Chaulk it up to art imitating life...if a TV show can be considered 'art!'
 
#329 ·
well, it looks like its been a month so i thought i throw down an update.

ive been working on detaching since that night. enforcing the fact that if hes in her life, i am not.

its been a rough road.
my wife took a leave of absence from work to sort her stuff our.
weve kept any contact and conversation to just about our son.
we also have had a revamped schedule so that she gets more time with our son, and conversley less time to be around the OM.
its been hard to know about things because she lives on her own, but at this point there are only a day or two a week they can maybe be together...of course they can text, but shes been on the ball about not having the om around with my son, because she knows what ill do if it happens.

that said, our son started preschool last week and we both wanted to be there. on his first day, we were the only "husband/wife" there. in fact you still couldnt tell there is problems. her birthday was the same day. i didnt give her anything, but i helped my son make something for her.

and then last week happened.
thursday night on the way to a friends house to go out to dinner for her birthday, she got in a car accident. she was hit on the passenger side. and while there wasnt much damage, she seemed to have been affected. she claims not to have been on the phone at the time. (cell records confirm) and the intersection where she got hit has a notorius blind spot. (didnt see other car comting because of line of trucks on the street in the way)

anyway, she walked away unscathed physically, but emotionally shes been a wreck. she knows she hasnt been focused, that her concentration was off. she began to think what would have happened if our son had been in the car. it seemed to hit her to the core.

i didnt arrive at the accident, but her friend did and her mom did. (i had son for night) as well i found out she called the om, who wanted to bail on his kids for the night to see if she was okay, but there would ve been hell with her friend and mom there, so he was told to stay away. during her traumatized state she told both of them how she needed to end it and she had to tell him etc.

the next night he came over to his house (hoping to get his booty call on at this point), and she told him.

at this point she, in her words, "dumped" him. he told her that he want planning on quiting and asked if that made him selfish, to which she responded yes. that shes decided to focus on herself and her son. and shes going to ask for an additional month off to cope and avoid contact with him for now.

i dont think she has a plan for when shes going to return. she doesnt totally want to do this either, but she realizes that its what she needs to do. especially for her son. she also hasnt made any kind of commitment to return to the marriage. so i have no say as to the normal things i would ask for.


and thats the thing that kinda bugs me right now.

shes apparently had some sort of epiphany. and is trying to break away from the affair (and currently going through the withdrawal phase) and shes doing it for her sons sake.

but part of me is selfish. i wish she was doing it because the affair was wrong, and that she wanted to be with me. part of me thinks that because she isnt doing this 100% of her own accord, that eventually there will be resentment and lingering feelings.
and of course i wish i was the reason. i mean ill take what ever it takes to end it, but my ego wont just let it go.

is it wrong to feel that way?
if shes truly trying to end it, and she has a nice support system in place, what should i do to help her with the withdrawl syptoms?
ive already done what i can to show her what kind of guy i am and what kind of marriage she can comeback to, yet been distancing myself for my sake. or should i just leave her alone?


i know where her focus is, and when i went to pick my son up for a haircut, she started crying because she was sad but trying to fight through it. (nothng worse that watchin your wife cry over another man

anyway that that, an thanks for the help

the past few days have been a struggle for her, but she trying to stick to her guns. (i dont know exactaly how shes doing)
 
#330 ·
Thanks for the update. Be patient always assume she won't come back and plan your life such. I suspect this is round one of a breakup with OM there may be round two or even three , the OM as you described him on the past is not going to let go and the only person who can is her . The pressure on her as a single mom is going to climb and as there is continued family intervention it makes contact with OM less . The hormones will burn out over time . Every bit of pressure on her is a good thing as she has to face reality.

You can do very little for her unless she decides to commit to the boundaries of marriage .

Keep heathy for no matter how this goes you are going to need it to help you through the days.
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#332 ·
Your wife doesn't see you sexually as a man but simply as the father of her son. Interestingly, women are often sexually attracted to a man whom they see is in a relationship with another woman. Don't try to make sense of it, just know that is is a fact with a great majority of women. If you don't believe me then look at Ing's situation in which he has already moved on but his wayward wife is now wanting to return to him, in large part, because he now is in a committed relationship with another woman. Am I telling you to start a committed relationship with another woman before the divorce is signed? Of course not, I'm simply stating an observation.
 
#333 ·
Trust me morituri, your observation has been in my mind for the past week or so. As I detach I find that I may want to make new friends who happen to be attractive and of the opposite sex.

At the same time, my wife has made comments about the changes I've made physically. Both in terms of working out, and wardrobe. Though I take her complements with a grain of salt. After all she finds the OM attractive, and he's a chud. So I question her tastes.

At the end of the day, making friends of the opposite sex would defiantly rasie my value in her eyes. I think Athol covered it in his book how the effect works

Women are funny creatures that way. Now if I only had time
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#334 ·
and as i anticipated, her break up with him didnt last long.

on tues she told me he text her asking to come over. she said she told him, "did you forget what we talked about the other day"

but by wedesday she was back to the same old speech, "doing what everybody else wants" and her being miserable..


funny but i thought she was doing it for her son. we got into a nother long lengthy "discussion". about how she doesnt even call him her boyfriend or have a name for the relationship, i asked what does he call you? his girlfriend?...she said its "gay". i told her that when we were boyfrind/girlfriend we ewre walking around proud.

her response. "its because we were doing it the right way"
then she went off to her therapy.
saw her the next day to drop my son off, and she starts with a "i know theres no future and its not going to last, but i have to do this on my own"

WTF. its like standing on train tracks and seeing thetrain coming and not moving anyway. she finally admitted that thye have gone out on dates, but no where fancy (she declined to say where, but more on that later). wither way, they were back together, so everybody (family, friends) is pissed off at her again.

two days later a NFL team shirt that she ordered came in (bucs) she was excited, despite the fact that i told her were not friends and that i dont care. she sent me a pic of it on. being in a jerk mood i made some comment about how it looked to small and and sheer and that herr boyfriend would enjoy that even though he doesnt like sports (loser fact #1). she the responded that theyll always be our team. and she misses watching football with me. then she sent me a pic of lifting said shirt of while showing off the girls. WTF? i asked her what was that for, and she said just because...

2 days later we were supposed to go to the zoo on sun, but instead i made it a father son trip. she lost her sht. because she really wanted to go. she was firing off on all cylinders, name calling, blaming, but she started off with her usual line...

"if you thought we were going to get back together then this....."

was the latest deal breaker (shes said it 3 times previous for other things)

and then she went there...

im going to get my own lawyer, im filing for divorce.

at that point i just said fine. go ahead, i give up. im over this. my therapist has said that i need to work on myself and regain who i am, and thats what im doing.

she was taken aback and had no response. i told her to go ahead and file. it doesnt make a difference to me any more. im tired of deaing with this crap, and im not going to tolerate it. get a lawyer an file and well work it all out nad go our seperate ways. i then didnt here from her for the rest of the afternoon.
i dropped him off that night and we didnt say much to each other than an update about our son and his day. her girlfriend was over there at the time just keeping her company. she left the same time i did.

i was goin over to her girlfriends house the next day to watch football with her husband (were friends too) and she decided to show up with our son so he and their daughtere could play for the day and make cupcakes. and then she acted like nothing was wrong. but i had to reiterate that i wasnt trying to be a jerk, but if your talking to him, your not to me. end of story. and again, if your gonna file, file. ive accepted that the marriage is over and that theres nohope of us getting back together...

she looked suprised by my words. but remained cordial till it was time to leave.

and thats hw its been. she got back togehter or something with him. and were back to square one.

except its different this time. Im letting go. ive done all i can. i know that shes got 3 more break ups in her before it s final. i know that itll happen before the holidays. but i just have no desire to be around her right now. too much anger and frustration. and im starting to hate her at this point, and i done t want to, if anything for my son...

but ive dont all i can.

time to start scheduling some me time and me events. do stuff ive always wanted to do. meet some new people. time to let go and move on. and if she comes back, fine, if not, well i have no control. ive given it up...i hope i can make it stick...





funny story too...her girlfriend was talking to me after we left and she relayed a story about them and some of thier "dates".
she said when it was time to go out to dinner soemtimes, he would call her and said to not bother and come over to his moms house because she had cooked dinner already. (loser fact #2)

i kid you not.
we already knew he was a mommas boy. and the STBXW called this one months ago. how he would fall into the patterns that bugged her about his family. and my wife wasnt just telling her friend that, she was complaining for sure. and its hilarious...

it reinvigorates me to really improve myself, not only to become better person, but to show her what shes giving up...and that i can cook my own meals..


what shes dong is beyond me, but im at the point where im just laughing and yet feeling a little pity because shes stupid enough to put herself through this...
 
#335 ·
If there is any justice to marital betrayal is how many times the unfaithful spouse trades down instead of up. Her ego has been stroked by POSOM (piece of sh*t OM) pursuing her and a loving husband who has shown a desire to forgive and reconciliate. Sadly for her she will end up like many cheating wives with neither husband nor lover.
 
#336 ·
You need to find a way of not responding to her, part of what is happening is she still has enough contact with you that then brings up conflict and she is able to rationalise that the OM is better. You have to work out a way of going dark and not being I'm her circle.

Work on yourself, assume she is not comming back, in your words and deeds prepare for a future without her. It may still work out or it may not , from what I have seen there is a greater chance of divorce once one person moves out of the house unless something radical happens. At the moment your wife is still feeding off you and seeing you enough not to feel the total loss of you in her life.

I suggest you draw a timeline as to when you want to formalise this , do not share this with anyone except your lawyer, if or when you take the step it must be unexpected and on your terms. You cannot sit back and be your wifes backup plan , she is currently content because she gets to play and knows in her heart you are there for her. You need to decide when to pull that security rug away from her. What is important for you is to do this when you are ready , she has no say in the timing.
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#338 ·
I filed for separation a while ago. She keeps using the whole I change it to divorce thing as a threat.

She can't afford a lawyer. And she's waiting on the estimate for her car accident. They may total it, which means shell have to get a new car after all the insurance stuff is taken care off. And that's more money.

The reality is she's fence sitting big time. But I'm not taking it anymore and she's scared. She's lashing out. Shes afraid I won't be there when it fizzles out, something she knows is going to happen. It's quite sad and pathetic at this point. She's acting like a little spoiled child trying to have it all.

Shell soon realize that if she continues, shell have nothing.
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#341 ·
nice idea, but she niether uses a smartphone or has a computer...nor is she looking to get one. she just uses the one i have when she watches my son at my place (he loves his back yard ans such)
and thats fine by me, she gets a computer, it would be just another way to go underground if she ever really figures things out...
 
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