Talk About Marriage banner
Status
Not open for further replies.

after d-day stuff..

155K views 544 replies 57 participants last post by  Shaggy 
#1 ·
a short version of my story..
been together since HS. dated on/off for 10 years..married in 2004. 1 3yr old boy.
noticed her texts messages slowly rise since mid last year, but thought nothing of it till it hit the 4000 mark..in jan.11. went back to review and noticed a high percentage to one of her coworkers... he was in unhappy marriage and was on verge of geting divorce (which he filed for in dec.10). found evidence of sext pics dating to late sept. (timestamped with pic message sent 1 min after)
. late jan i confront about the txts (not the pic i found that out later) she denies, just friends, no attraction etc.
decide to use software for blackberry to log texts (which shesbeen deleting) got 4 days worth of stuff...

finds out they have been together but for unknown amount of time..i sit on this info trying to gather more, hoping shell wake up and leave him...start doing reserch on affairs and how to handle them properly...

anyway. decided i want to save the marriage. so i confront her with my evidence on sunday...at first she denies, then says its only a EA. then i bring in other text that establish a PA (in that time she says its not cheating because no physical stuff, its not a big deal, and they broke it off weeks ago...all untrue, also said only lasted 2 1/2 months)

she does the phone call to let him know i know about affair...she cant transfer or anything i know hes not willing because hes a dept. head. but she made the decision to break it of (reluctantly) and so far stay for her family( not really me, but son..has no where to go and she knows i wont let her take him)

shes showing signs of transperancy, letting me see all texts, informing me of stuff, though shes undecided if she wants to stay in marriage. weve been going through therapy and have session next tues.

but heres my big problem and the issue i have right now.

Watching her get over the heartbreak of losing the other relationship/friendship. its killing me because shes so not engaged with me besides small talk. shes angry and says she hates me...but shes trying...she says shes lost and depressed. i dont know if they talk at work (the work together 3 days). i sent him a stern warning that i know about them and he should move on or ill go to his exwife who works for same company as well as his mom(hes a big mamas boy)

any advice how to get through this phase because i really didnt expect it to be so hard, even with a month of resaerch and prep...
 
See less See more
#342 ·
alll righty then...

so another update...


i found out a little later that during that zoo trip i mentioned, while we were at the zoo, she went to target/home depot with him...and his mom!

now shes often said that hes a mommas boy, but she really got a taste of it first hand. they rode in her minivan, and asa they talked she said it was like she wasnt even there, and when they went to check out, he was ilse away and came dashing to help her unload her cart...all while forgetting about my wife...she said it was quite the eye opener...

after that i hadnt talked to her much, except about our son...


last weekend was out 7th anniversary (or what should have been). she had our son and i was left to wallow. she had a couple of her girlfriends over to bake with their kids....and talk.

i found out the next day that she had broken up with him...again. but this time is seeming ly different the day after she got into a nother huge fight with him where he basically called her crazy and that she needed to heal becuse she was broken...

and she vented abit as well....

and the final little punchline....he was seen being a little too friendly with a coworker, who is basically a young, thinner version of his ex...nothing confirmed, but when she has questoned him, hes dodged them big time....

so this week shes been struggling a bit to get threw the withdrawl phase. theres been no sighn of going back, and everyday she tells me how getting stronger and all this other crap...she hasnt talked to him, and if she get the urge she has a note on her phone that reminds her that its all a game and he really doesnt care...

shes shown no signs of coming back to the marriage...but one step at a time i guess...

theres a bunch of other stuff im leaving out becasse im getting tired and cant remember them all

but thats it so far..i continue to work on my self, just in case, and keeping an eye...
 
#343 ·
Thanks, my thoughts are: you are still to close to her and her fantasy. She is building herself up to walk away from both you and the OM . I suggest while working on you start hardening the boundaries and work on ways to force more and more no contact with her .

She is pretending she is single with your blessing , the sessions she has with her therapist is at your expense and is for her to move on without you. She is no longer your wife nor is she your friend . If she divorces you how are you going to behave ? As her friend who has free access to your home , act like you are divorced and step away from her .

Be prepared for the worst and do not support or communicate with her unless it is for your son .
Posted via Mobile Device
 
#345 ·
i see where your coming from with this, but in the past week she has done nothing but tried to fill her time to help her get through this. including scheduling a whole bunch of family based events...

the holidays are coming up. my wifes favorite time of year. and while i agree, she isnt my "wife" in terms of her mindset right now. she definitely sees me as her friend. (her best friend in her words, something the OM has had a huge problem with, something he vented to a coworker he didnt know i was in contact with)

that said, i agree with tunera, and it it was said by rob x, who was quoted it the "let her go" thread, from another forum entirely.

his whole premise is sound as a pound, and something ive been using to various degrees with pretty interesting results (like me taking my son to the zoo)

in reality as shes healing, she doenst see me as an attractive altrnative at this point till shes through it. but after that, i have a chance to bring her back into the fold and we can work from there
 
#346 ·
Do you know what the biggest mistake is that a man can make when he wants a woman to desire him?

It's to be her friend.

Especially after they have once been lovers.

If you get pigeonholed into the Friend Zone, you'll never get out.

Tell her 'I love you, I want you, but I can't and won't be your friend while you test the waters with other men.'

And then walk away.
 
#347 ·
totally agree!

and as said as much, although it was 'as long as hes in your life, im not"

the thing is, there have been times when she talked to me, or made comments, that weren't just made with a friendly connotation. and were pretty much flirting. ( commenting on how ive been working out, look more defined or bigger. texted me her in a new outfit she got both with and without top)

sure, it could very well be cake eating, but she does know im serious about moving on. shes gonna heal from her break up, but she knows i may not stay around and is aware that its what me and my therapist have been working on.

ive dont my best to meet her emotional needs, but my needs havnet been met, and why not try and do so, after all, thats whet she did..

that said, im also balancing keeping a decent family life, esp. for my soon, who i think is just too young to deal with it.


that said, hes made several comments to her about coming home and leaving her place because he doesnt like it (of course he also says she doesnt have enough toys, so what can you do...hes 4)
 
#348 ·
The thing is, when she flirts with you, it's a perfect time to make your point - get a truth dart at her. "I really enjoy times like this, but it reminds me that what I want is a wife who will take me seriously and treat me with respect. You have done neither. Gotta go."

Leave her wanting more.
 
#352 ·
i think im getting to the point of weekly updates with the hope that they get more and more positive as we go along...
and why. i dont know. there seems to be less turmoil, and im hoping what progress i go through can help anybody see that there are so many variations of how affairs go, so many differenet details. and so many ways to handle it..

yet at the same time, the script seems to remain the same. the progression, the statistics...


as well, it just helps to get this stuff out.

i also want to say, that this forum has been immensly helpful and positive and supportive (unlike others that i have visited) thank you to the members, the links, and the patience.


here we go...

it seems that she has done a fairly good job at trying to distance herself from the OM. for the record, still shows no sign of coming back to the marriage, so i cant be ultra inquisitive and make demands like id want to, but there is progress.
she is continuing her leave of absence from work. this may continue into early dec. after then shell have to face the music.

shes telling coworkers and her supervisor that is it over. that she realized there is no future. i still think she harbors feeling for him, but there is nothing i can do at this point. but i think hes going to do the work for me...
he contacts her every couple of days, she tries to ignore him, but hes enlisted his sister to try to do some of the talking for him.
but hes made things worse for himself.

i mentioned that he was seen fraternizing with a coworker. its an unconfirmed relationship, but hes been extremely defensive, and theyve gotten in a few fights since. but the big kicker is the one who "leaked" the info is one of our good friends. when my wife brought up the incident with him he started asking who told her, but she gave nothing up. he has since asked around his whole staff to try and figure it out. hes tried to ask questions on the sly, so worried about who the leak was. he finally confronted our friend who is the leak (but hes still not sure) and basically threatened to expose him. with what we dont know. as well, his girlfriend works at the same store, so thats unleashed a whole new set of problems for him. and in my wifes view, not only made him look like a total ass, but wonders why hes acting so defensive if nothings going on with the other female coworker...
as well, that same friend has gone to his boss (hes a vendor for her job) and the OMs HR department because the way the OM approched him could very easily be considered harrasment/bullying.

so thats ongoing, and with every text he looks worse and worse.

that said, ive had to just keep my mouth shut and let it happen. let it continue to "die a natural death". as the holidays grow closer itll be hard not to do things with her, just because of our son, whos birthday is also right around the corner. but i am trying to still create a little bit of distance and filling my freetime with my own personal endevors. ive revamped my workout to give myself that extra oomph. knowing that not only is it helping my confidance (which is still kinda low) but is also getting my mind right if/when i begin to date. (which there has been an increase in random conversations with members of the female kind)


well see how halloween goes...but my son is finally into it, and he got his real first case of candy...
 
#355 ·
knowing that not only is it helping my confidance (which is still kinda low) but is also getting my mind right if/when i begin to date. (which there has been an increase in random conversations with members of the female kind).
I made some real good female friends 6 months after my divorce who are also now friends with my girlfriend. While I enjoy spending time with my male buddies, the competitiveness between us can sometimes get to be a bit too much at times. So it's like a breath of fresh air when I get to spend some time talking to one of my female best friends about other non-sport related stuff.

Keep the non-sexual, non-romantic conversations with women going. Take it from me, nothing helps the poor battered male ego better than having a fun conversation with a good and kindly woman.
 
#356 · (Edited)
somebody asked me for an update on how things were doing so i thought id throw it in here...


since my last update, everything seemed to be going good. my wief had apperently broken the affair, and we were talking. not to much because i was weary...

then right after thanksgiving i got that in the gut feeling again.

she accidently left her cell acct. info in our sons travel bag. so i was able to log on....and i found out that things died down for a week or so, but then they were texting all over again. like things were normal. she was held accountable during that time for her location between me and her family, so out side of work the posibility of them getting together was like 5% chance. but the texting kept going.

i confronted my "wife" at that point on the phone while she was at work

now mind you she still hasnt recommitted to the marriage yet then, or now for that matter

she broke down then and there and said shed do anything to not lose me in her life (not husband or marriage though)

i found out later that day she went up to him in front of several employees and yelled and screamed at him that he ruined her life na d to leave her alone.

a few days later she changed her cell phone number and gave me the passwords to access the acct.

now around that time the OM got in to/harrased a vendor who supplies the grocery store they work at (the vendor is also a good friend of mine too.)

a week later he got into a verbal altercation with an 80 year old customer to the point where the OM had to be held back (the man was also a freind of the family)

and then finally the day after she changed her number i called HR to let them know what she had done. they came in a week later to interview all but the OM. that same day he emailed his superiors and requested a transfer (out of emotional duress, which he later revoked 2 days later)

the holidays went well. she seems to be over or working past the situation, she disconnect her land line at night (verified by random calls from me)

but at the same time HR hasnt done squat and they are still working together.
several employees that i know keep me updated on the situation. and a handful of people have let me know that he keeps trying to come up to her and talk to her and she walks away and wont take no for an answer.

as recently as 2 weeks ago. shes had several people walk her to her car to avoid him.


however, again they still work together.

he isnt that special at his job, so either hr is just lagging or she spoke on his behalf. although not really actively. i know what your gonna say, then if he keeps bothering her, why doenst she just tell HR again, since its basically and sex harrasment case waiting to happen.
1. shes passive. shes as much said that she doenst want to be the one to get somebody transfered or fired. but that inexcusable and crap because the OM would do it in a sec.
2. she sstill talking to him one way or another and it would comeback to bite her in the butt.


the reality is her actions still prove her decision. as lost and confused as she says she is, i think its more her identity and her perecption of her in my eyes.

i think shes very much still emotionally attached, if not involved. but her head is telling her other wise , as well as our son.

she is guilty until proven, and while nothing has shown up on her cell phone, there are still othr means.

my therapist has told me that the relationship is pretty much dead. if not physically, it died when i exposed it and they justhavent figured it out yet.

my wife has broken up with him 5 times in the span of 4 months, and he just wont leave her alone. that said shes said something to him to keep him pursuing.

shes trying to break the addiction. shes listed dozens of reasons vs a hand ful as to stay or go.

but i think its her shame and pride that keeps the mess still going.

the only thing is i cant prove that shes talking to him.

but i shouldnt have to . she should prove to me that she isnt. if she wants to regain my trust. and she has tried, but its been more defensive and rug sweeping guilt vs remorse and returnt o the marriage.

so ive had no course but to truly drop the rope.

the past couple weeks weve only really seen each other for drop off s and pickups, and her moms birthday.
and she seems a little afraid.
complementing me on my haircut.
wearing jewelry i got her years ago i havent seen in a while.giving me dinner to take home when i pick my son up.

yet she still lives on her own.

i know she doesnt want back in the house i live in and is maybe waiting me to move . (ill be short selling it soon)

but more than likely she is still emotionally attached to him and not attracted to me.

at this point it doesnt matter. i have no control anymore. it took my therapist months to get that through my head, i can only control myself.

and i have new wardrobe for the new year. ive been working out like crazy (derailded during the holidays, you know how that goes) and actually alomost had a date with this hot young thing from jamba juice, but i chickend out and couldnt close the deal, but it felt good anyway.

ive come to terms that ive done all i can. im just going to focus on my self and my son. (which i have 5 nights of the week) ill be moving soon. and really cant do anything else. shell either want to comeback or she wont. (my therapist says its just a matter of time and the turn around may be quick)


she still hasnt filed the response papers as well.




i have to say this though.

i wished i wouldve followed some of the advice i got here and on another site (check the letting go thread, theres a link there to the robX stuff)

i think that that really has the most effect. that said, before all of this i did my best to meet her emotional needs. esp when i though they had broken up. i showed her that i had gotten back to what made her fallin love with me, as well as figuring out what our main issues were. the setup to comeback couldnt be anybetter.


or the setup for another woman couldnt be better either.
 
#357 ·
But ive learned this.

and affair will break you down. make you question everything about yourself. from the biggest to the smallest. every aspect of your relationship and your person.

i questioned the physical, the mental, the spirtual, the sexual.

and at the end of the day, you have to find it in yourself to rebuild yourself. by yourself. become stronger. become confident again.


that will be the key to finding love again. with your wife or someone else.


during that, try what you can. the 180 is a great start. and at the same time, LET GO.


let them go. let go of control. you have none, save yourself. thats where the focus needs to be.

i had spies everywhere, software on the cell. and it drove me mad. i was never this way, and the affair turned me into somebody i didnt like.

no wonder she didnt want to come back.

i became a controlling whining sniviling little *****.

in a lot of ways i was no better than the vagina she was dating.


so you have to let go of that, let them go and let them fall on thier face. then only if they comeback, re engage the spying BS to confirm. but remember, they are guilty until they prove themselves innocent.

and most of the scripts/statistics seem to be correct. theyre always exceptions. and most of the time the exceptions are how the BS handles it and sets a precedence for recovery or not.

im open to it. for my son,and because quite frankly, i still love her and want to continue our journey together. but i wont die if it doesnt.

im becomeing an alpha again,


(of which websites like roissey (cheatau heartiste) and Athol (married man sex life) and some of their ilk have definatly helped me regain my confiedence and composure.


thats all i got so far, but im sure something else will pop into my head later.
 
#358 ·
So Elph, it's been over 9 months now. You've been up and you've been down, then down more, then down even more.

After all that time, I don't see where things have changed for the better for you. I don't see where you are reconciling or divorcing, it seems youa re in a sort of limbo here.

Am I missing something here? You say let go and I agree but I have seen that philosophy form you on more than one occasion. So WHERE ARE YOU?

Are you simply staying and hoping for the best, or filing or going for R or what here? A life in limbo is no life at all my friend.

Q~
 
#359 ·
true enough,

everytime she broke up with him, we (and by we i mean her family too) did all we can to support her and help her heal , knowing that if she was away from him that would hopefully get her out of the fog completely, and shed want to come back to the marriage.


and she was good at it too.

a few weeks after she moved out she broke up and he came by . (his "im not the kind of guy you just send away" speech)
after her birthday, she said she did it for her son.
on our anniversary, she knew there was no future.
and then the after thanksgiving breakup with the cell number change.


each time she lured me back.
each time i wanted to believe she was going to heal.
each time she had talked about a possible future.
each time, she did just enough to convince us it was over.

and each time he would pull her back in. or she would choose to not give him up.


each time i wanted to believe that she was a good person.


each time i was wrong.

she would say how deep down she knew what was right, yet her heart kept her going back to him. she seemd determined to drive the car till the wheels fell off.

and each time i would be there in waiting.


then new years came and i said i was tired of being in limbo, wither were married or were not.

and each time we fought shed bring up the old..."if you though we were going to get back together, now this changes it". i cant tell you how many times i heard that.

like i said, she hasnt even filed her response papers yet.

im not living in limbo.

the way i look at it is im a free agent. i go to the "highest bidder"

if its her, then she has to prove that she wants me to be her starting QB (and her my tight end...sorry, couldnt help it)

if not, then fine, i move on...or till then, i go play in the canadian league....no worries.ive got plenty on my plate for the new year. thinking of going back to school too. so the relationship is the least of my worries. i cant work on it by myself....


so yes, ive said this before.i was fooled, much like a bunch of has been. because we all want to believe.


the only thing i believe now is that my wife isnt a special little snowflake...she just like everybody else...
 
#360 ·
No consequences to their actions equals no motivation to change. Where should she change since there are no consequences? She has a husband who is constantly willing to endure humiliation and disrespect time and time again. The old definition of insanity is doing the same things over and over again and expecting different results.

If the roles were reversed do you think she would have continued to accept this constant humiliation and disrespect from you? I doubt it. If you do not respect yourself then who will?
 
#361 ·
heres the thing though...

everytime, pretty much, she broke up with him of her own accord,save the last time.

she did it...on her own.

i didnt threaten her. i didnt encourage her.

the only thing i said to her those times was, if hes in your life, im not.


it was only the last time when she did something to distance her self from him.

but as ive learned, its like any other addiction. you need a bigger high each time because youve grown acustomed to the it.

each time she did just enough to prove to us that it was over. listed a long list of what was wrong with him and his family. things he had said. ,

the last time she said she had though that they could be friends.

even her therapist has told her to go cold turkey...

the only thing weve been willing to do is help her heal.

oddly enough she has several cousins whove gone through AA, and they all say the same thing....she has to hit rock bottom.

they can tell shes trying to get out of it and break the cycle....theyve been there before, just with alcohol...

as of the last two weeks ive been trying to intoduce those consequences, our son has, in his own way as well.


she took a leave of absence sept-nov, for what we thought was to get a way and heal as well...we were all lied to...

at the same time she bonded with our son pretty good...

however the past month thats all been erased...hes a smart little 4 yr old and me and him have become so much closer...its like hes chosen me...and she knows it, and thats breaking her heart...

shes tried to stay the night to hang out with him and me, to no avail. shes tried to have me come over and fix stuff, to no avail.


im just not there any more. and my son is withdrowing from her to.


part of me hopes they both get transfered...heck, i kinda wish shed lose her job.

shed blame me, but we all know the truth..
 
#362 ·
The thing is one day this is allgoing to sink in and you will look at her like" Who the hell are you and what do you want?"

Whether or not she comes back inthe future, stopping with the OM doesn't mean anything. At this pace she will be seeing other guys before you see other women.

You can kill two birds with one stone. Go out onsome dates. Actually, by you sitting home al lthe time ,you are making yourself unattractive to your wife. You are not in the race. She doesn't have to do anything to keep you in line, keep you attracted to her.

You are really holding back reconiling or moveing on by sitting aronud waiting. You say you are moving on and what you have done is great, except fopr this one fatal flaw. You need to go out on some dates and then let her know you have with out being obvious of course.

Right now she thinks you can't live without her no matter how she acts/talks.

The best defenses a good offense. Time for you to quit sitting on the bench, get up to bat and start swinging the bat.

At the rate you are going now, I don't believe she will ever come back unless you do something. Jealousy is a prime motivator among people, especially women. Hell, there ready to go after each others throat over a pair of shoes.
 
#363 ·
Yeah. I'm gonna hit that jamba juice up this week. Hopefully the girl will be working there.

And I know what your saying. I remember in that link for the letting go thread where they had this great debate whether one should date or not. And an argument can. E made for or against. Morality. Legally, what have you.

And it's tough when you don't feel like your quite there yet. I'd say I'm 85% But still hesitant. And quite frankly a little afraid. I mean it's. BEen 17 yrs since I date someone other than my wife. And that was in high school. I sucked at it then. Thought I'd. Ever have to deal with it again. And yet here I am.


Soon enough I'm sure.
Posted via Mobile Device
 
#364 ·
The only caveat with dating is to keep it light and easy. The purpose is to have fun and not get into a rebound relationship. If the women you date know this, they'll be more apt to respect you for they will know that you have no hidden agenda with them.
 
#365 ·
I would (1) contact HR again and ask them why they didn't separate them and hint that you may, as her husband, consider legal action for the company's inaction to stop the sexual harassment (they hate that!), and (2) let her know your timeline is up and you are preparing to move on; that you've started noticing other women, so you know it's time to throw in the towel and get the legal papers in order. Then DO move on and see if she runs to catch up. Either way, you've got closure.
 
#368 · (Edited)
The one thing about contacting hr again is this. I don't know if she hasn't contacted hr on his behalf or at bare minimum asked him. OT to be transferred or tod them that she doesn't wanted to b the one who gets him transfered or fired. As well they know we're seperated, how can I act on her behalf to get that done.

I don't want to go in bluffing.

I'm assuming that theyre just waiting for one more complaint from her specifically. Since they know about the changed number they mayve given him a warning to leave her alone. The one thing I told them is that he's bothering her at home ( landline phone calls) and the rep told me they can't do anything about anything offsite.

At this point I've. Been going with the other advice. I told her flat out, I'm not your friend. I'm your sons father. I'll do anything for him, but you've had your chance. It was set up to make it as easy as possible. (mind you by easy I mean my advancement on healing myself, she still would have to do the heavy lifting). I let her know that she had her chance. And have cut things down to bare minimum.

My therapist also suggested 2 things. Look my best everytime I see her. And expect her to react angrily but take nothing less than her total submission. If not, it's not true remorse. That will be the key

But really I'm. Not even looking for that now. If she comes back great. But it is time to get out there. Even if it's only casually.
Posted via Mobile Device
 
#370 ·
File for divorce and have her served. Limit the contact and talk to only matters related to your son. You gain nothing by continuing with the status quo. It's time to cut your losses and move on with your life without her.
 
#371 ·
Well I was at her house visiting my son. She called on the way back from her therapy and after I got off the phone with her I checked her caller Id. Sure enough he has called her several times last week
I confronted her and she admitted to talking to him.

I basically told her she f'd her self. HR was on her side. She could've gotten rid of him with a word. But since he calls from his cell he has records and can dispell anything she says. He's made himself invincible. So she'll have to deal. She had the audacity to tell me that when she's done she'll have no prob working there with him. She told me that shes no longer in love with him. She knows it's going to end soon and that her last two sessions have been really good.

I laughed because if she knew it wasn't going to last then just end it now. I of course know that it's not that easy,brain chemicals and all. But still.

Suffice to say I called the mediator today and have an appt for mon the 13. To start furthing the process. Shell get what she wants and I'll continue moving on

Of course she wasn't happy when I told her. She said she's gonna get a lawyer and fight me on everything. Which is funny because everything's been decided for months Now. She asked me why we needed a mediator. That it's only there if your fighting. That we shouldn't need one. I reminded her that it's on step in the seperation process.

She ten went on to tell me that if I didn't kick her out she probably would have ended it sooner. And asked again why we needed a mediator. It seemed like she wanted to avoid.

I reminded her that he and I don't exsist in the same universe. She mentioned reconcilliation for the first time ever. I told her so long as they work together, so long as he's in her life in any capacity reconcilliation is IMPOSSILE!!! That I deserve to find somebody who wants to be with me. I'm tired of coming home to an empty house. I wanted reconcilliation and
Are it as easy as possible ( by giving her the resources). Did what I could to get him out of there.

Now she's out of chances. She has to transfer or get him transfered and beg for a second chance.

It's sad and this valentines is gonna suck. But hey. Not my fault
Posted via Mobile Device
 
Status
Not open for further replies.
You have insufficient privileges to reply here.
Top