Originally Posted by disbelief
This web site, nice active forum.
Affaircares seven steps
beyondaffairs.com...........find a local live in person support group.
Now for all those who were guiding me months ago and i didn't get it. Time has cleared my head, for those of you wondering how to respond this book I am reading I think is great. If you need to know why the "elder" of this sight reccomend certain actions I think this book hits it pretty good.
Love Must be Tough Dr james Dobson. e-book or hard copy.
Keep the faith have hope seek knowledge and you will get through this!!
Please everyone add to this.
I favor books about understanding the human dynamic over "save your marriage" books.
Every situation is so different that a real understanding of how people work, how certain personality types behave and a firm grasp of how the entire communication process works is far more useful than "do this" advice.
For me, the process is about figuring yourself out and figuring out the spouses intentions and attitude. If you have those answers then the path you need to take is usually pretty clear.
Read books on conflict resolution, relating to people, and understanding how people encode and decode messages. Those books will be far superior to any rescue guide.
Some books to consider:
The 5 love languages (encoding and decoding)
The 5 languages of apology ( decoding forgiveness)
The handbook of conflict resolution: theory and practice (conflict resolution)
A Three-Dimensional Model of Human Behavior (the human dynamic)
Just to name a few.
You can have the best advice in the world, but if you dont know how to implement that advice, then it is useless.
You must understand a process before you can make an educated decision on how to handle that process. For that reason, I suggest learning what makes your spouse tick and what makes you tick.
When someone says " my spouse is not trying" - you must understand the principles of motivation to deal with that in an effective manner.
When someone says " I dont know what I want" you must understand those needs and the equation to meet them.
When someone says "They wont talk to me" you must understand the most effective way to communicate with a person who avoids or accommodates.
When someone asks "How do i get them to stop seeing the OM/OW" they must understand the purpose for that persons communication to the other love interest.
That is where I have educated myself, and I have seen very positive results.
Books with "answers" to the cheating equation are not nearly as effective as true knowledge of the human dynamic imo.