disbelief

This web site, nice active forum.
Affaircares seven steps
Marriage builders
survivinginfidelity.com
beyondaffairs.com...........find a local live in person support group.


Now for all those who were guiding me months ago and i didn't get it. Time has cleared my head, for those of you wondering how to respond this book I am reading I think is great. If you need to know why the "elder" of this sight reccomend certain actions I think this book hits it pretty good.

Love Must be Tough Dr james Dobson. e-book or hard copy.

Keep the faith have hope seek knowledge and you will get through this!!

Please everyone add to this.

alphaomega

Yeah....
Nobody "gets it" at the start. Your mind is reeling, your nerves are on on high alert, your stressed, you can't stop thinking about it, why it happened, how do I make it stop, you can't eat. Can't sleep. Your looking desperately for that magic bullet that can sav everything.

I didn't get it until I fully realized that it was going to play out for the long haul. After that, I detached and could think straighter, and found tough love. I also found my self respect in the process.
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twotimeloser

I favor books about understanding the human dynamic over "save your marriage" books.

Every situation is so different that a real understanding of how people work, how certain personality types behave and a firm grasp of how the entire communication process works is far more useful than "do this" advice.

For me, the process is about figuring yourself out and figuring out the spouses intentions and attitude. If you have those answers then the path you need to take is usually pretty clear.

Read books on conflict resolution, relating to people, and understanding how people encode and decode messages. Those books will be far superior to any rescue guide.

Some books to consider:

The 5 love languages (encoding and decoding)
The 5 languages of apology ( decoding forgiveness)
The handbook of conflict resolution: theory and practice (conflict resolution)
A Three-Dimensional Model of Human Behavior (the human dynamic)

Just to name a few.

You can have the best advice in the world, but if you dont know how to implement that advice, then it is useless.

You must understand a process before you can make an educated decision on how to handle that process. For that reason, I suggest learning what makes your spouse tick and what makes you tick.

When someone says " my spouse is not trying" - you must understand the principles of motivation to deal with that in an effective manner.

When someone says " I dont know what I want" you must understand those needs and the equation to meet them.

When someone says "They wont talk to me" you must understand the most effective way to communicate with a person who avoids or accommodates.

When someone asks "How do i get them to stop seeing the OM/OW" they must understand the purpose for that persons communication to the other love interest.

That is where I have educated myself, and I have seen very positive results.

Books with "answers" to the cheating equation are not nearly as effective as true knowledge of the human dynamic imo.

__________________
***Expectation is premeditated resentment***

alphaomega

Well said. How is the three-d model book? It's the only one I haven't read of those you listed.
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twotimeloser

fantastic and expensive. LOL

__________________
***Expectation is premeditated resentment***

alphaomega

Where did u get it? Is it an Amazon titlle? I guess I COULD get off my a$$ and do some searching, but I'm feeling soooo lazy right now.....lol
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twotimeloser

A Three-Dimensional Model of Human Behavior, Michael Pak, (9781403340764) Paperback - Barnes & Noble

wow.. 12 bucks... I paid 60 bucks... screwed again. LOL

__________________
***Expectation is premeditated resentment***

disbelief

Thanks twotime, Is the 3-d an overall "lesson" on behavior? I hate this infidelity thing but I am certainly growing. And learning from all my reading.
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Ser Pounce-A-Lot

I agree with "twotimeloser" on this one. You need to understanding what a marriage is and the human dynamics between two people. "Save your marriage" books are generally quick fixes that may (or may not) fix your marriage only in the short term until the same problems arise again.

I found that personal change and understanding what love is helped me enormously. I did meditation, went to a personal counsellor for my self-confidence, and most significantly did a program called Marriage Fitness (by myself). This was amazing at healing me and my marriage. There is a complete 7-week program, or another option is to buy the book on Amazon.

That 3-d model book sounds great. Thanks for the recommendation. I'll see if I can track it down on eBay