lordmayhem

How have you verified that there is no contact? Do you have a keylogger installed on the computer? There's always the possibility that she's taken it further underground. She needs counseling, otherwise there is the possibility that the next time this happens, the OM may not be several states away, but several miles away.

Don't fall into a false sense of security from all the sex in your Hysterical Bonding period.

HurtinginTN

OK, my gut tells me she is still communicating with him. I don't know how or when, but my gut says he is still in the picture. Is your gut instinct ever wrong? Is this paranoia? Is this the reason reconciliation is very tough, since the trust level is zero?

I have played my hand prematurely so many times, she knows all of my tricks. Every time, it went deeper underground. Can you ever truly know that it is over? I know, the polygraph route supposedly would be the most telling. Perhaps that will be required.

Do I give it time and remain careful and observant? IF she is that deep underground, she will slip up sooner or later. I don't think it is time to spring the nuclear bomb of a polygraph. I just don't know if I'm crazy or my gut is accurate.

Continue the 180 and keep working on myself? That is hard. It was easy doing the 180 when I thought it was still going on. I was done with my relationship and was working on getting things in order to end it. Now, I have that small glimmer of hope that the marriage can be saved. I want to work on the marriage and open myself back up to her. However, I don't want to get crushed again.

I told her last night that my gut says she is still contacting him. If she is, I would rather her tell me now while I'm still somewhat crushed. I don't want to re-build only to be crushed again.

So, do I assume it is over and act accordingly? Or do I assume it is still ongoing and act accordingly? Keep my feelings toward her closed off or open myself back up to her? Wow, it seems harder right now trying to decide which way to go than it did early on. The pain isn't nearly as deep as the wounds are healing, but I am somewhat at a loss as to what to do now.

Lilyana

My advice...

Tread lightly, gaurd your heart, never trust 100%, and always trust your gut.

Jellybeans

TN, what is making you think they're still in contact?

My gut is hardly ever wrong, sadly.

HurtinginTN

Nothing overt. Nothing I can put my finger on. She has been taking walks at night. However, she is trying to lose weight and had been walking a lot lately. She had been walking with the kids during the day, but started taking her walks at night.

I have gone out to "walk the dog" a few times at appropriate times during her walks. Each time, I have been able to observe from afar on her approach back to the house. Each time, she has been on her regular walk route with nothing in her hands. The timing and my observation tie to the normal walk route. Also, the sweat level matches. However, my gut says something ain't quite right about it. Perhaps I am being paranoid.

Eli-Zor

You are not paranoid, discretly follow her , with the dog of course. She may be going to a friend who is covering her arse and supporting the affair. I am back to this change is to sudden, her behaviour is out of kilto with a wayward wife who has lost emotional contact with the OM. Particularly since you had serious difficulty breaking the affair, it does not add up. Do not fret about it , assume they have found another way to talk and keep tabs on her, if we are wrong happy days however.....
Posted via Mobile Device

turnera

Ask a friend to follow her on her walks.

Lilyana

Or better yet.. volunteer to go on these walks with her

HurtinginTN

I do. Actually, we do. My 9 year old daughter cries her eyes out when Mommy goes on these walks. My wife says she needs to get out of the house and have some time alone. I can understand that since she is with the kids all day. My daughter is extremely clingy and doesn't want Mommy out of her sight. About half or more of the time she's gone, I am trying to calm her down. She has thrown quite a fit the last couple of times.

My wife says she wants to go on the walks for some time alone. That is the problem. It is certainly justifiable. It is good to be alone sometimes. It makes logical sense. However, I can't get the thought out of my head that is just an excuse.

Pit-of-my-stomach

your not wrong dude. I didnt have the heart to piss in your cornflakes when you announced ur wife's recent change of heart and your excitement.

Her behavior and this recent turn about don't even come close to the "SCRIPT" for a recovering DS, or anything remotely close. They do lend themselves to several other much more realistic scenario's though... You won't like hearing any of them.

I know that everyone is different and people are complicated... but, that's the thing. DS's and affair situations are not. These are addicts. So highly predicatable it borders on creepy.

You have to have noticed that almost every, if not every DS script and storyline is the same right? There is a reason. Along that same vein, a healing addict at the level of dependance your wife has shown will follow a script, a extremely predicatable process of internal healing takes place. Behaviors change gradually, tell tale emotional "events" show themselves... That's not happening. Your gut is tipping you, to where your self protecting mind doesn't really want to go... Cause the truth sucks, and it hurts.

Protect yourself dude. Your still a step behind, You have to get one step ahead of her. Keep trying to reconcile if you must, maybe you just haven't had enough pain and misery to face letting go... whatever. Don't you feel the tick, tick, tick thing? Just back off emotionally. When that things goes off you don't want to be right in the blast radius. Maybe it turns out to be a dud, but that thing can't be trusted. Back off.

__________________
Never say Never- The Fog
4 No0bs

HurtinginTN

You are talking about backing off emotionally, correct? Keep up the 180 as if it is over. As Eli-zor said before, my marriage is over until she commits to recovery (if that ever happens). Yes, I want very much to believe last Saturday night. If that had kept up, my trust would probably be re-building.

I will continue the 180 and continue my observations. My gut says that they have just gone deep underground. I don't see how it could possibly survive so deep down. They can't spend nearly as much time together as they were. Also, he is still several states away (I am assuming). I suppose it is possible he has moved here, but I don't think so from everything I saw from him over these past few months. If they are still involved, it will come out before long.

She's mad at me today for saying I think she is still involved with him. I have total freedom and she is trapped in the house all day every day. She deserves to get out of the house too. That is my problem. That comment is very true. I'm glad she is getting out of the house instead of sitting in front of the computer. However, with her sneakiness over all these months, it sure looks like it is to contact him.

HurtinginTN

I know I won't like hearing them. What are they?

Yes, it is scary how many of the posts on here I could have written myself, including yours. What are the signs of a recovering addict that should be showing up? Remorse, I suppose would be one. What else?

Any ideas on how to pass?

turnera

Does she take her phone when she walks? Can you monitor the phone use?

The 13th_Floor

God damnit, TN! Yes! Pit is saying stay away from her emotionally. You told her she's still in love with him? How is that a 180? If I carried a purse I'd smack you with it!

TN, my ****ing god, dude. What's the sense of getting your wife back to her senses just for you to start an argument with her? KEEP UP THE 180!

The 13th_Floor

Uh, gee, a 180 maybe?