Synopsis & Update on ongoing? emotional affair

HurtinginTN · 05-10-2011, 01:48 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Eli-Zor

Have you barred the phone? No one is picking on you, you should create a list of to do's and follow them through. Without scanning your thread do you have a copy of the 180 or do you require a copy to be posted.
Posted via Mobile Device

Not yet for reasons I will disclose at some point in the future on the phone.

I do have a copy of the 180.

Thanks for all of your help.

HurtinginTN · 05-10-2011, 01:55 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by turnera

But I thought you were going to have a talk with her? I thought you asked FIL to watch the kids so you could?

What happened?

We did talk, with MIL and SIL in the room to defuse the situation. We hit many points. Their advice was to not do anything hasty, to pray about it, and think deeply about the effect on the children. Some of their advice was sound. It is in line with the 180.

They drove the point home pretty well that she has to leave the OM, agree to marriage counselling, etc. I will not push the marriage counselling for now. I'll let her think about things really hard the next few days while I'm gone. I will know if there is further contact with OM. I'll work harder on the 180 and see how things play out.

My counsellor suggested laying out what a divorce will look like for her. She thinks she gets to keep her life like it is, just having me out of the way. Maybe a dose of reality on what it will really look like would help. But that goes against the "no relationship talk" part, so I'll hold off for now on that discussion.

turnera · 05-10-2011, 03:20 PM

Maybe you could just draw up y'all's finances on a spreadsheet. Show her how the entire family income is already being spent.

Jellybeans · 05-10-2011, 03:33 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by HurtinginTN

My counsellor suggested laying out what a divorce will look like for her.

How about just SHOWING her what D will look like through actions.

TN, you have let her cake-eat for far too long.

What has changed?

turnera · 05-10-2011, 03:43 PM

I have to agree. You are being WAY too nice to her for nothing in return. Where is your indignation, anger?

HurtinginTN · 05-10-2011, 05:07 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Jellybeans

How about just SHOWING her what D will look like through actions.

That is the first step of the action. Decide how we are going to split the property. I will try first for an uncontested divorce if we can come to an agreement on everything.

Grayson · 05-10-2011, 05:21 PM

Hurting, I'm sorry your gut was right, even if I'm not surprised it was right. Even if she's not truly an addict (of alcohol, sex/love or any other behavior or controlled substance) you'll find (and many here will probably agree) that right now, she's acting exactly like an addict whose addiction has been discovered. And, no...it's definitely not a pretty sight to behold. You're being given some great advice here...probably better than I would give. My own "addict" seems to be earnestly trying to overcome her addiction and make amends for what she's done, both to me and others in her past, but I remain vigilant.
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HurtinginTN · 05-10-2011, 07:59 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Grayson

Hurting, I'm sorry your gut was right, even if I'm not surprised it was right.

My own "addict" seems to be earnestly trying to overcome her addiction and make amends for what she's done, both to me and others in her past, but I remain vigilant.
Posted via Mobile Device

Thanks! I'm not surprised either. Hang in there. I hear this can be overcome when the wayward spouse is remorseful, etc. Maybe someday I can state that with more confidence.

MrQuatto · 05-10-2011, 08:11 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by turnera

Did you call her family and tell them she's still cheating?

Actually, in Texas you are allowed to record your own conversation with someone without telling them. There was a lawyer on tv the other morning talking about it.

Hurt, you are in control now. SHE wants a divorce. That means that, to GET it, she will have to agree with what YOU want, or end up duking it out in front of a judge. So tell her:

"Fine. You can have a divorce on THESE conditions: (1) YOU leave and the kids stay with me. You can have visitation, but they stay here and you move out. (2) My children will NEVER be allowed to meet your lover boy. It will be stipulated in the divorce proceedings that, if you ever bring him around them before they all turn 18, you will be violating a judge's orders and XYZ will happen (whatever works where you are). (3) You can take whatever you brought into the marriage; everything else stays here for the kids and me. (4) Since you will not be having primary custody, any child support etc. will reflect it as such; you'll probably end up paying ME child support. Good luck."

Am I missing anything, guys?

I think TN can also file a restraining order against the OM for the family. That make calls to the house and him near the kids illegal. Unless I'm mistaken.

Q~

HurtinginTN · 05-11-2011, 11:44 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by MrQuatto

I think TN can also file a restraining order against the OM for the family. That make calls to the house and him near the kids illegal. Unless I'm mistaken.

Q~

I had asked that question a while ago. I was told that a restraining order is usually only issued if there has already been physical violence. Kind of a screwed up system, huh?

Eli-Zor · 05-11-2011, 11:59 AM

The closest you can come to a restraining order is laying a harassment charge, search the web for preconditions.
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turnera · 05-11-2011, 12:08 PM

I know that, when people were spreading rumors about my husband, we had the option to slap a lawsuit on them to cease and desist. There may be something like that out there.

HurtinginTN · 05-11-2011, 12:41 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Eli-Zor

The closest you can come to a restraining order is laying a harassment charge, search the web for preconditions.
Posted via Mobile Device

That might backfire on me. I imagine he saved all those voice mails I left him cussing him out. If I try to file harassment charges on him, he may reciprocate.

Shooboomafoo · 05-11-2011, 09:52 PM

Take a 401K loan (if you live in a community property state) and pay off as much debt as you can.
prepare for half of it going to her.
and perpare to be in good standing for the new home loan.

tacoma · 05-11-2011, 09:58 PM

I believe if you had simply had her served divorce papers this would have been over with ages ago.

She would have crumbled and you`d be well on your way to reconciliation.

I don`t know why so many betrayed spouses dance around what needs to be done.