Powerbane

Hang in there Hurt!

HurtinginTN

One day at a time. Got home late and she went to bed as soon as we got home. We didn't talk at all. We had a few short conversations the last couple of days. Short, to-the-point, business-like conversations. No talk of the affair or relationship. No fighting. Basically, nothing.

I did talk to the pastor that married us last night at church. He is still at the church that we have been going to (me and the kids). My in-laws have always gone there and took the kids. I just started going again recently. I asked him to pray for our marriage, but couldn't get into details.

His wife pulled me aside shortly after and asked why my wife wasn't coming with us. I don't think she knew I had talked to her husband at that point since she was in a different room. I told her we were close to a divorce since she had been seeing another man. We talked for a while. I don't know what they will do, if anything. All of her family has talked to her. Her mother, of course, puts all of the blame on me, but that is to be expected. The rest of her family is supportive of me.

It may very well be over with him this time. I will keep watching to see, but there has been no indication so far of any contact since Friday night. Even so, I may be past the point of no return from the level of deceit she has displayed.

She did give up the passwords Friday night. I have the printouts of the call logs. They are horrifying. I have compared some of the dates and times to my notes. They show a level of addiction that is quite shocking. Also, there were some voice mails she wasn't able to get and erase after I found and took the charger. They are quite disturbing. I have a copy of them as well (several, actually). I still have the phone, so she is not using that.

I am back to the barely being able to eat stage after seeing all of this. However, this time won't last as long, I'm sure. I've lost 4 pounds in as many days. One day at a time. That is what I keep telling myself.

My kids said they missed me when I stayed in a hotel Tuesday night. All 3 gave me great big hugs when I saw them last night. For their sakes, I will not push the divorce at this time. However, I will remain diligent in watching for any further communication between the two of them. As long as I don't get anything, I won't push the divorce at this point in time. I will continue on the 180 and keep making preparations in the background. If I get another hit, I will discuss it here before playing my cards with her.

Eli-Zor

Hang in there keep your eyes open and at this stage focus on yourself , if after a week or so she has not changed and actively working to repair the marriage plan for a big step, do this in your time, even if it takes months, plan plan plan , move monies each month in case you need a slush fund, run the 180 and do not let slip what you are doing.

You can't force her read the SAA book but you can leave it where she can see it. As for your mother in law , if she is not pro marriage ban her from your house and from seeing your children, if she says anything be nice and respond why would you want anyone around who is not actively supporting the marriage.
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Eli-Zor

If this is really over you have passed the easy step, recovery is very difficult and requires a lot of open honest communication, husband and wife time , listening and activly working on the marriage , two years on average, your wife best start doing some of the heavy lifting, over the next week or so try get het to register on the MB site, keep this site as your haven.

Be positive this can work out , so far she has worked to script , item outstanding is the OM he has had no consequences and will contact her again. A NC letter will help as if he does contact her you can charge him with harrassment despite your previouse voicemails.
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lordmayhem

The calls and voicemails were probably worse than you had imagined. Sorry to hear that.

Sounds like you have a plan. I'm pulling for you. I agree with Eli-Zor, the OM has suffered no consequences. OM has lied to you before. Keep monitoring. EXPECT him to try and fish.

HurtinginTN

She is pro-marriage, just not pro-me. She told me straight up when we were talking, "She is my daughter. Of course, I will take her side. Why is she looking for another man?" Well, I told her I have admitted and did admit to her that I could have been a better husband. However, that does not excuse the affair. She has no idea how deep it was, but I did give her a few clues.

She hit the nail on the head. She said I have been a wimp. She don't understand how a man that led 40+ Marines in could just let his wife have total control over him. I agreed. I have been. I have very rarely, if ever, told my wife no. I admitted that I have done many things I knew weren't right in order to try to please her. I will be paying for those mistakes for a long time. We were mainly talking about financial mistakes at that point. Too big of a house, new instead of used cars, Stuff that fills every room of the house, paintings, jewelry, etc. And my wife fusses about not having any money now. That is because I was too weak to tell her no and went over my head in debt to try to please her.

My MIL pointed out that is my fault. I agree. As she rightfully said, as the husband, I should have been the leader of the house. My wife pointed out that she didn't buy anything without asking me. I pointed out that I never said, "No", even when I knew full well it wasn't a good plan. I suppose part of it was that I always had high hopes of making more money.

When I was self-employed, I had a streak where I could have made 10's, if not 100's, of thousands of dollars more than I did. That window of opportunity came at a time when my son was small and having many health problems. I stayed at home to care for him most of the time. I consider myself to be extremely blessed to have been able to stay home with my children so much their first few years. I was able to work basically a few days most months and a couple of weeks a few months per year and still make almost double what I am making now working 45+ hours per week with a weekly commute of 12+ hours.

Changes in the health care system unfortunately took away that very unique opportunity. The point is that I could have made tons of money. I chose to put my emphasis on my family. Now, a major complaint is that we don't have enough money.

I guess this is all off topic, sort of. I'm just sorting through my emotions and got carried away. Sorry to bore you all.

turnera

My brother's best friend married a somewhat rich woman who expected to stay at the same level. By the time she finally divorced him for not giving her enough money, he had 2 full-time jobs, got up at 4am to throw papers, and delivered pizza at night. All given to her. And their daughter turned out to be a spitting image of her mother. Because he never stood up to her.

Best that you know now.

lordmayhem

HurtinginTN, I can certainly identify with your situation. You are an exception to the marines that I've known, as you didn't take your work life home with you. As a 23 year Air Force vet turned LEO myself, I've seen way too many people in my time take their work attitude home with them. That's why so many in the military and law enforcement end up divorced.

Is it possible that in your effort to separate your home life from your military life you overcompensated by accomodating your wife too much? Anyway, there are lessons to be learned from this situation.

HurtinginTN

I most definitely 100% accomodated my wife too much. That could have something to do with it. What works with a platoon of Marines certainly does not work with a wife or children. lol Still, I should have used the leadership skills I cultivated in the Marine Corps in my marriage. I just should have used a different delivery system. There are many lessons to be learned here. I will come out of this a better man. Whether that is with her or without her I don't know at this point. But I will come out a better man.

lordmayhem

I don't doubt that you will be a better man even if this marriage goes south. If it does, you can still be the outstanding dad that you are and will make a lucky woman very happy and who will make you happy in return.

HurtinginTN

You mean that is supposed to go both ways? Wow, I am learning a lot. lol

The 13th_Floor

TN -

You're a Marine? I never would have guessed. Never in a million years! Dude, respect.
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HurtinginTN

Yeah, give me a platoon of Marines and I can take a small city. Give me a 60 mm mortar and I can put rounds anywhere within a 2.5 mile radius. Give me an M16 and I can put rounds center mass consistently at 500 yards.

Give me a wife and I'll screw it completely up. lol

HurtinginTN

I forgot to mention something. Thank you for your service. 23 years? Were you in Desert Storm? I was guarding a Harrier base at one point in that war. I loved watching them land. Come in, hover, and go straight down. Take off was on a runway since they went out fully loaded. They were a little lighter coming back in.

Affaircare

That would be because you can't aim a wife with any accuracy.

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