karole

TN, just this once, follow the advice that you have been given - word for word - no deviations. PLEASE! You have had the same sermon preached to you from day one, each time you choose to ignore it and do things your way, which never works and then you are back here posting the failure and getting the same advice again. I do not understand your reasoning. You are supposed to be the head of your household, the leader of your family, you were a Marine for God's sake - it's time to let go of the nice guy persona and grow some balls! Do what you have to without worrying about how your wife will react - do what has to be done.

Eli-Zor

One of the check list items you must have ready is if she does move out , or there is a separation or divorce build into the conditions that your children are never to be near the OM or leave the state without your prior approval, this is done often , she will challenge it, hold the line on this.
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Pit-of-my-stomach

TN,

I'm sorry.

Rather than try to "reach" you as I have been doing with every conceivable communication style. I'll just point blank it for you. (As if I haven’t already done that several times)

I will piss into the wind one more time and give you my opinion.

Your marriage is over.

You are participating in hurting your children now. You are NOT teaching them how to be a good father/husband or a good person anymore. This is no longer teaching them character, or loyalty. Your wife is teaching them to be disgusting, selfish liars and damaging any moral compass that they have. You are showing them it’s Ok to allow people to do this to you, therefore validating her lessons. You’re not standing up for yourself, and you are not standing up for them.

This is not about “saving” them anymore. Being exposed any further to the dynamic between you and your wife is tantamount to emotional neglect. It is psychologically abusive to allow this to continue.

Here is an analogy which I think fits….

IF and I mean huge IF you "save" or resuscitate this corpse now it will be similar to the movie/book "pet cemetery"....

You just couldn’t let the dead thing go, couldn’t deal with the loss so you brought it back but the thing you brought back is not the thing you remember, it is a dangerous sick echo of a memory. It will hurt and destroy everything in it's path (your children’s emotional well being and any future relationships they hoped to have) before you eventually have to FINALLY "put it down" again. But not before it makes you crazy and reeks further havoc on your world.

I think the tagline from that movie was "Sometimes dead is better."

Stop this crap. Wake up. Your W is the aggressor, she is telling him anything she needs to tell him, she’s lying and turning you into the monster. She is painting a picture and telling him what he needs to hear to keep him close and keep her fantasy alive. This is not him doing this to you and I doubt it’s even 50/50, probably 90/10. This guy is probably not the monster you have in your head; time to open your eyes. Your WIFE IS THE MONSTER.

Go ahead, Follow the directions your being given (again) to the letter, but if your able to get this monster to raise from the dead you better keep your finger on the trigger and be prepared to put it back down before it before it destroys everything.

__________________
Never say Never- The Fog
4 No0bs

KathyGriffinFan

I dunno why, but reading the above, it sent shivers down my spine.

Yup, it's time to realize that your marriage is dead, ain't nada to hold on to anymore...and like everyone else has said, this isn't about your FIL/SIL's, it's about you and your wife. Don't worry about what they say.

HurtinginTN

I'm not worried about what they say. They actually say they can't believe that I've stuck around this long. They said that is admirable. I said it is more stupid than admirable. Anyway, it's about time to stop beating this dead horse. Either the horse starts running (about the same odds as me hitting the powerball), or it's time to bury it.

HurtinginTN

Pit, you certainly can't be a professional boxer. Don't they get in trouble for hitting below the belt? lol

I know. This situation is definitely intolerable and will not continue. I know divorce will be devastating on them. Especially, the half with Mommy. I will be firm in stating that OM will never be around my children. However, if she calls him now while we are married in our home, I'm not foolish enough to believe that she would respect some little sentence in a divorce decree. They'll be witness to the short-lived terrible relationship between those two. That is one thing you told me early on. They will have a life-time pass to all the rides on Dysfunction Land if we get a divorce.

However bad divorce will be on them, our marriage has to be approaching (if not past) the same level of damage to them. I agree that it has to change or end now. I will talk to my counsellor too, about what you said. Also, I have ordered that book you recommended. It should be here anyday. Actually, I thought it would have been here by now. I thought I would have some time to read it before she slipped up again. Either I'm getting better at the spy game or they are getting more careless. I could always apply for a job with the CIA.

Jellybeans

It's not "hitting below the belt." It's stating the truth based on the facts.

The facts are that you have an open marriage.
The facts are that your wife will not give up her affair.
The facts are both you and wife are showing your kids it's ok for one spouse to have a yearlong affair and it's fine to just stand by and let that happen.
The facts are you have done nothing different.
The facts are you can expect more of the same.

We're not being mean/rude to you. We are telling you the truth.

On TAM, yours is one of the saddest stories I've ever read. It is the go-to-guide on what to do if you want to be stuck in limbo forever and how to stand by idly while your spouse does whatever they want w/ zero consequences for their actions.

Nothing will change unless you do something different. She has already shown you she isn't willing to change.

Ronin

You should try to reconcile. You seem to enjoy an open marriage, you might as well stay and keep watching the kids while she sleeps with other men. Who are you to limit her fun. Also stop being so jealous and controlling, its just sex.

Ronin

pidge70

Ronin, did you even bother to read his story? His W has not "slept" with anyone.
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lordmayhem

No 2x4s from me. All that's needed to said has been said so much better by the others above.

This is like watching a train wreck in agonizingly slow motion.

pidge70

pidge70

She thinks she has become a master of manipulation. She keeps doing this and will keep doing it because you let her. She has you by the short hairs because she knows how much you love your children. Nothing will ever change, your words/threats/ultimatums/begging are falling on deaf ears.

I can guarantee MC is not going to make a difference. She is doing it to appease you and her family.

How many times has she "ended" it now?

I am not trying to be mean, I so hoped it would have worked out for you. Right now, you are not doing you or your children any favors. I am sure you can make it a condition of D that she cannot take the children out of state without your consent if it were to come to that.

I bet the reason she was so p*ssed about failing that motorcycle test makes sense to you now.

HurtinginTN

Yes, that is painfully clear. That is likely the reason she failed it, actually. Evil intentions are rarely blessed.

Shooboomafoo

Hurtin,
I have a mediation meeting with my STBX on Monday.
There was no willingness to work on anything from her, she wanted her freedom to continue her life the way it ultimately destroyed ours together.
I think for me, it hasnt quite sunk in yet, and doubt it will even after the ink is dry on the final decree. I remind you I have a D9, and we have been a family for 10 years.
If I may suggest, taking a look at dadsdivorce.com and seeing if there are any posts or parts of the forum to glean some advice from for this point in your life.
I loved my wife, and really really wanted this to work out, but the OM was the dealbreaker, not really only on my part, but for the fact that her involvement with him was removed all rational thought from her. I dont think I will ever get over it, I may be able to forgive, but from a distance.
I would say it at least looks like you have a strong case for custody and obtaining support. Get an attorney if you havent yet.
I find it incredibly difficult from one day to the next to focus on work, on life in general, just being able to get up and shave/shower/ etc., knowing whats ahead in the coming months of trying to get this all behind me.
Just know you are not alone, this was all a huge bomb to me in my life, devastating everything, and the ability to "do" anything about it was completely removed from me.
Start setting yourself up to be somewhere solid, and supportive and strong for your kids.
As much as I hope that I can get through this, as it has yet to even begin "officially", I hope you can too.

HurtinginTN

I will. Thanks for the advice.

Yes, I understand this completely. Reality will set in for them someday. Unfortunately, it looks like it will be way too late for any reconciliation.

I have quite a large book of documentation. However, in my talk to an attorney, affairs don't matter too much on custody issues. That don't make a bit of sense to me, but that is apparently true. It plays some factor in alimony, but not custody.

Well, you are certainly not alone either. I know exactly how you feel.

We will both get through this. We both deserve someone that does respect us, marriage, and family. One day at a time is what I keep telling myself.