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Coping with Infidelity Relationship recovery from the destructiveness of infidelity.

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Old 04-19-2011, 01:32 PM   #61 (permalink)
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Default Re: Synopsis & Update on ongoing? emotional affair

Quote:
Originally Posted by HurtinginTN View Post
I sat down with my sister-in-law today for a while and talked. She is convinced the affair is over, but also pointed out that is not the real issue. The real issue is the deeper problems that caused the affair.
No, it's not the real issue. The "real issue" and ONLY issue right now is that you wife is having an affair...

Yes, your "home" has a unstable foundation. yes, it needs a new roof. yes, it could use a paint job and new flooring but the issue is the damn thing is ON FIRE!!! Until you put out the fire nothing else matters.


Quote:
Originally Posted by HurtinginTN View Post
By the way, I did start reading your thread. I haven't read all of it, but the first few pages were dead on with my situation as well.
Keep reading when you have a chance, ask anything you like.
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Old 04-19-2011, 02:19 PM   #62 (permalink)
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Default Re: Synopsis & Update on ongoing? emotional affair

Of course she needs the phone, it's her way to communicate with him.
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Old 04-19-2011, 02:58 PM   #63 (permalink)
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Default Re: Synopsis & Update on ongoing? emotional affair

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Originally Posted by Pit-of-my-stomach View Post
Keep reading when you have a chance, ask anything you like.
Wow, I see why you relate. I could have written most of your thread myself. I'm currently on page 4, will read more later. At that stage, the only difference is that my wife's family is more agreeable with me than your in-laws were.
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Old 04-19-2011, 06:05 PM   #64 (permalink)
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Default Re: Synopsis & Update on ongoing? emotional affair

How long do you intend to accept such treatment without finding a boundary?
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Old 04-19-2011, 06:06 PM   #65 (permalink)
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Default Re: Synopsis & Update on ongoing? emotional affair

PS. People (not just you, Hurting), when you start a new thread, please let people watching your old thread know, back on THAT thread! We may never know you've moved!
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Old 04-19-2011, 10:47 PM   #66 (permalink)
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Default Re: Synopsis & Update on ongoing? emotional affair

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Originally Posted by Pit-of-my-stomach View Post
Brother,

Outside of trying to reason with my fogged wife, you are probably the most frustrating person I've ever interacted with. You seem to be a nice guy, and you actually seem to be intelligent, thoughtfull and reasonably receptive at times...

but you just can't get the f*uck outta your own way, and your head is so far up your as$ at times it's maddening.

lol.

Nothing has changed. (and seriously dude, why the F would it?)
She is managing you. Affair is NOT over, paused perhaps, managing you has become her priority. Your in the way... your fu*cking up her grand laid plans and putting glitches in her fantasy scenario... She has to get you "back in line".

I totally agree! I read the previous thread, all of it, all 31 pages and I was getting more and more frustrated page by page.

Last edited by KathyGriffinFan; 04-19-2011 at 10:58 PM.
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Old 04-19-2011, 10:56 PM   #67 (permalink)
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Default Re: Synopsis & Update on ongoing? emotional affair

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I am obsessed with that darn phone. I bring it up daily. I tell her it would be so easy to just give it up and give me the passwords. That would be a great start to re-building trust. However, she insists that she "needs" something that is her own. Yes, I know, that is most likely an excuse.

For my sanity, I have to stop obsessing. I have to drop it. Fighting constantly over the darn phone is no good. How do I stop obsessing?

I suspect it will come to the surface in a few weeks. We will be getting another vehicle. I signed up for a motorcycle class at the end of the month. I am searching for a motorcycle with the intent to buy one in the next couple of weeks. She said she would like to go to the class also. We are both going to spend the weekend together at the class.

That has 2 possibilities. It could a new, exciting thing we can do together. Right now, we will just be buying one motorcycle, but my father-in-law has one we could use to go on bike rides together.

Of course, the other possibility is that she'll take off on it to Colorado.
Are you serious? You're really talking about "we"?? "Right now we will just be buying one." No sir, YOU WILL BE BUYING ONE, all the while your adulterous wife is using you.

What do you mean we? Do you not get what she's done? What she continues to do? The lack of respect that she has for you? The inevitable blow up and continued hostility that will be impossible to contain, before it spews out in front of the kids (if it hasn't already).

Stop using these excuses and OWN the direction you are heading. With all due respect, you're being wish-washy. In one paragraph, you're acknowledging the marriage being over and the probability that she will continue to lie to you, but now you're talking about giving her another avenue to visit her lover/man/whatever you wanna call him. Whyyyyyy? Don't take her with you for that. If you're interested in getting a M1 license, do it for yourself on your own. Don't reward the adulterous wife.

Where is the smiley that shows the head smashing against the wall? That is how I feel reading this, lol. No disrespect TN, I'm on your side, but if my brother or sister came to me with this, at some point I would wash my hands of them in regards to this problem, because it's emotionally draining to stand idly by as someone you love/care about is treated so badly...and they tolerate it and even ask for more and put themselves in the position of receiving more pain.

I truly believe that it boils down to you not wanting to let her go. You refuse to even separate from her. She's mean, rude, disrespectful and you two have so many issues to begin working on together but she has not even begun to be honest.

You made a point to say that she told some relatives that the affair was over. IMHO, without knowing her, it's common sense to say that. She doesn't wanna be the bad guy in the eyes of others. You're the awful husband that drove her to this (in her mind).

I feel like you're a good guy, and that is why it is so damn frustrating to read this. You're being used and abused, you're being treated like a doormat and you keep running back for more and asking for more punishment. It's almost as if you don't wanna bite the bullet.


You can separate, you probably have facilities in your local county that will assist you with separation papers. I don't believe you want to bite the bullet. Are you afraid that the relationship your wife might still have with this dude, will become physical? Maybe you're just afraid that if it does become physical, it will seal the deal that you seem to be in denial about. Maybe you're just too darn afraid to realize this. It would hurt too much.

Good luck TN, I really am pulling for you, but I agree with "Pit" that you just can't get out of your own way. You refuse to accept things and keep being angered at new evidence, but then you don't follow through with threats and ultimatums, and then you're on to find the next piece of evidence and the cycle repeats. Nothing changes. I cannot even fathom what your wife is thinking.
PA's and EA's are one thing, but when you have to deal with your spouse continuing the EA right in front of you, throwing it in your face, consistently lying, and putting you through so much pain...either she has emotional problems or she just doesn't love you and is using you.

Last edited by KathyGriffinFan; 04-19-2011 at 11:42 PM.
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Old 04-19-2011, 11:28 PM   #68 (permalink)
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Default Re: Synopsis & Update on ongoing? emotional affair

Hurt,

People can tell you to "man up" all you want. but in the end, you have to take the steps and youhave to deal with the backlash. WE GET THAT.

After reading all yur posts and seeing you walk in the same circle, wearing a hole in the carpet... I can only say to youthat nothing will get better in your life until you take those steps.

If you want to suffer, then that is on you. We are all responsible for two things in our lives... Our happiness and our suffering. You are crushing your happiness and amplifying your suffering exponentially.

You know this already, but have chosen to take no action.

If you become a man and lay the law down, you risk nothing. Because you have nothing to risk right now. Your marriage is effectively over at this very moment.

It takes a strong man to leave, and a stronger man to stay, at this point, I only hope that reach a level of strength to leave.

I dont know what happened to make you so afraid, but whatever it is, I pray that it is worth your suffering.
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Old 04-19-2011, 11:38 PM   #69 (permalink)
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Default Re: Synopsis & Update on ongoing? emotional affair

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Originally Posted by HurtinginTN View Post
I do believe the affair is over. I went drinking with my brother-in-law last night. She has talked to her sister several times lately. She told her sister it was over and she can't understand why I'm not happy with that. She aslo told our daughter that it was over. She has lied to me consistently, but I don't believe she would lie to our daughter and her sister that it is over.

Of course, I am still not completely convinced. About 75%, I would say. You are right about the problems running much deeper than the affair. We had our biggest fight to date last night. It was not related to the affair. I slept in a hotel room last night. There was no physical violence, but the words were biting in both directions. I got the "I don't need a father" speech again because of her playing games and chatting online. She was talking to another man who asked where she lives. She told him and he was asking more details as to the location.

I pulled the modem and told her she don't need to be chatting with any men period. She said she was just having polite conversation. I told her polite conversation doesn't require telling a man where you live, especially considering our past nine months.

I agree about the partnership, or lack thereof. Even with the affair over, there are still many issues that may or may not be resolvable.
Not only is that inappropriate, it's reckless and dangerous. I would be wary of every man she connects with through use of the internet. Perhaps this is her escapism, as you commented that she doesn't leave the house too often.
And why should she? You're at her beck-and-call, and she has her fantasy world at the tip of her fingers.
I would tell you to stop enabling her, but you've been told that a million times already.
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Old 04-20-2011, 11:15 AM   #70 (permalink)
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Default Re: Synopsis & Update on ongoing? emotional affair

Yes, my smog has been as bad as, if not worse than, my wife's fog. There are small glimmers of clarity of thought, but most of the the past couple of months I haven't been able to see my hand in front of my face for the smog. The smog is dissipating.

This whole thing hit me like a ton of bricks. Going back and re-reading my posts, I want to reach through the computer screen and shake myself. Pit of my stomach, I see especially why you get so frustrated with me. It looks like you went through the same thing, to some extent. The wanting to believe her, etc.

I don't want to let her go. That is true. There are many reasons. At times, the only reason is my very strong belief that our wonderful children deserve to have both of their parents in their lives. Not just staying married for the sake of the kids, but developing a wonderful marriage for the sake of the kids. I firmly believe that how our marriage works out will very likely be the way my children's marriages work out.

I fully understand that takes two. I also fully understand I have played a major part in how horrible our marriage is at this point. Both before the affair started and my actions (inactions) the past couple of months. I know I have made and continue to make plenty of mistakes. However, the smog is very slowly dissipating and clarity of mind is growing.

Part of the 180 is to not talk about the relationship or future. That is one area I have fallen short on consistently. Last night, I was able to refrain from any talk at all about the current or future status of our relationship. As Eli-Zor pointed out one time, I do have two distinct advantages. One is the distance between her and the other man. The other is our three kids. Regardless of what she thinks of me as a husband, she does know and admit that I am a good father to our children.

We have a date for Saturday night, sort of. There is a cool band playing at a local winery that we are the 2 biggest fans of. Our kids all take music lessons. Their teacher is playing at the winery. He has invited them to come play some songs with him. I told them I was going from the beginning. I asked her last night if she was planning on going to be polite. I fully expected her to say no. She said she is planning on it.

As far as the motorcycle, I am doing that for me. The first reason for that is the ever-increasing price of gas and my long commute to work. I'll save a few hundred dollars per month on gas alone. Also, I think it will be very fun. When she expressed interest in also going to the class, I readily offered to pay for her class as well. It will be fun to take the class together.

Regardless of how our marriage ends up, we need to develop a respectful, peaceful relationship. We are tied together for life as the parents of those kids. Birthdays, weddings, visitation, etc. will always keep our relationship open, regardless of whether that is as spouses or not. I can't control her thoughts or actions, but I can work on mine. I will continue to do so.
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Old 04-20-2011, 12:02 PM   #71 (permalink)
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Default Re: Synopsis & Update on ongoing? emotional affair

TN, you may have played a major part in the "horrible" marriage but she is single-handedly destroying it by being involved in an active affair AND also now hitting up other men on the internet as well.

I wish you good luck. Cause nothing is going to change unless you take a stand.
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Old 04-20-2011, 12:33 PM   #72 (permalink)
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Default Re: Synopsis & Update on ongoing? emotional affair

I've been following both threads... My thoughts are the same. People have been giving you advice and insight for quite some time, but you are still stuck in your ways, blinded by love/whatever into still being strewn along by this woman. To me, this hardly sounds like love, it sounds like infatuation.

If you think this is just a problem with the forum though, I'd suggest you re-examine a bit. Your "I hear you but..." attitude is something she WILL see, WILL notice, and WILL exploit. She will see you don't have the willpower to change, to stand up for yourself, and to fight for your marriage, and as such, she will continue to walk all over you. Standing up for yourself once or twice is not enough, as there needs to be a pattern for her subconscious to pick up on it. Your indecision, this "smog" will be your downfall and you will continue to be hurt until you decide to do this for yourself.
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Old 04-20-2011, 01:40 PM   #73 (permalink)
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Let me get this straight.

She is surfing the web and chatting up men on the web in YOUR house in front of YOU?

And you just sit there and let her?
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Old 04-20-2011, 01:46 PM   #74 (permalink)
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Default Re: Synopsis & Update on ongoing? emotional affair

turn off the internet Hurt....take away all access to your money, you buy the groceries, put gas in, she should be home schooling the kids anyways, there are other things to do than play card games on the internet, or better yet put a password lock on the computer that you only know. Whether you pw lock it or shut it off, then there you go, she can't play games with him or anyone else. Find her phone, destroy it, and since you will have taken away access to the money, she'd have a heck of a time getting a new one. I just finally stood up to hubby other night, it is taking me a bit like you, but you can do it, come on man I am rooting for you.
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Old 04-20-2011, 01:50 PM   #75 (permalink)
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turn off the internet Hurt....take away all access to your money, you buy the groceries, put gas in, she should be home schooling the kids anyways, there are other things to do than play card games on the internet, or better yet put a password lock on the computer that you only know. Whether you pw lock it or shut it off, then there you go, she can't play games with him or anyone else. Find her phone, destroy it, and since you will have taken away access to the money, she'd have a heck of a time getting a new one. I just finally stood up to hubby other night, it is taking me a bit like you, but you can do it, come on man I am rooting for you.
Yep.
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